Over-freakin-whelmed

I am at the end of my rope.  All I want to do right now is drive to the closest place where I can get booze and go for it.  I have had a super stressful week with my 2 yo hitting basically everyone and nothing I do seems to work.  My 4yo has been screaming/ whining/ crying in response.  Add to this that we are trying to make an offer on a house and I'm getting one story from my lawyer, and a different one from the real estate agent and then I guess the lawyer learned that the real estate agent had the story right and she forgot to return all my calls and emails.  I just lost it, screamed and one son, hit the other (which I swore I'd never do).  My husband is out at a work party and drinking and thinks it's ok when it makes it that much harder for me.

Kids attacking me.  Must go.

A bit of boring stuff, really. Just felt like writing

Woke up this morning a bit angry at the world!  Now that I've eaten I feel much better :)  I actually had a really good, filling breakfast.  Who knew eating healthy could make one so full?!  Considering my old diet consisted of coffee, coffee, coffee, HUGE lunch because I was starving, then continue eating rubbish til bed.  Seems I replaced alcohol with food there for a while.  But I'm on track now, I've kept up with healthy eating all day yesterday (yey - not one cheat!) and have done 17 minutes of cardio every morning this week - that makes 4 days in a row.  Even lifted a few weights this morning.  Ok they were only 1 kg weights but I felt it.  Should give you an indication of how out of shape I am/ was!

I did up my to do list yesterday too.  I had 3 things on it and got them all done.  Pretty proud of myself.  Funny though, I did these three things and somehow my house ended up a mess.  None of the things were tidy the house.  So I need to account for that and not just take housework as a given. 

Today's list:
- call the bank
- call real estate agent about a house we like (yey!)
- vacumm house (haha - needs to be done!)

Also need to take the kids out this morning and oh ya - there is a sale on at our local fabric shop so obviously I have to go there! 

Must be on my way... so much to do :)

Best laid plans

Well so much for accomplishing my to do list yesterday - I didn't even get around to making one!!  You know how it goes, so much on the go.  I need to do my list first thing or the day just takes hold of me and drags me along from one thing to the next.

BUT I did recognise all the things I DID do.  Including a date night with my husband.  First time in I don't even know how long.  We went to see the final chapter in the Twilight saga and man it was awesome!  But man I've never been to the cinema here, and haven't been out at all in the evening since I stopped drinking and the frigging theatre sold alcohol!  As if!!  I walked in and saw a group of women sitting around with their little wine bottles, one obviously well on her way.  Panic!  But whatever, I treated myself to a mocha and my husband and I rolled in to the theatre.  I noticed people coming in and bringing their drinks.  No one made a second trip to the bar during the movie.  I mean I wasn't focussed on this, I was watching the movie...  but when it was done it struck me that had that been 3 months ago, I would've probably suggested we go for dinner first so I could have a drink.  At the very least I would've gotton wine once there and then the movie would've become secondary.  I would've had to go back to the bar.  I would've wanted to get drunk, or at least tipsy.

So glad those days are behind me!  We had such a good time last night :)

Small Goals

Well I fell off the eating waggon so to speak.  I was going along nicely but on Sunday night I had a 'treat' meal .. chicken tikka massala (yum!!!) which is fine.  But then I did it again yesterday.  This is a slippery slope for me, I need to get back on track.  So I've decided to write down small goals I'd like to achieve.  Sometimes the goal of losing 20kg is way too overwhelming - much like the ''I'll never drink again in my entire life'.  It's easier to take it day by day, step by step.

So these are my goals:

1.  Fitness goal:  I will go for  17 minute run every morning.  This is the great thing with the 17 day diet.  You only need to do 17 minutes a day.. so it's 7:30 am and I am technically done all my exercise for the day (whopee!!).  '

2.  Weight goal:  Be in the 70kg's by the week of the 26th.  Not really sure how to word this but right now I weigh 82.1 kg and I want to drop into the 70's by next week.  I will be really happy to hit that and see my number starting with a 7!

That's it.  Those are my goals.  Pretty attainable but still require some work - exactly as I feel goals should be.

I'm also applying this to my daily life.  I have a small business and never know what I'm doing with it.  I want to be more organised with it.  Small goals.  I also feel like I'm 'just' a stay at home mum and that I need to justify my existence.  I recently read an awesome blog where the woman says really, she does so much during the day and I think ya I do too!  So I'm going to notice what I do... from the packed lunches to the million snacks to the grocery shopping and house tidying... never mind keeping the kids happy and fed and clothed and loved (oh so much love now that I'm not drinking!).  PLUS organising the finances, making sure the house we are going to buy (whichever house that may be) is something we can afford and still have room to breathe, live and maybe even take the occasional trip somewhere. 

So my plan for all that is to do one massive to do list (done!) and then put them in priority.... right now my top priority is to get our finances in order so anything costing us money (paper bank statements, unused bank accounts etc etc) are top priority.  Then I will chose 1 or 2 a day and try (try!) to get those done.

Sound complicated?  Maybe, but I like to be organised and this is my way to get back on track.  It actually simplifies things in that I know what I'm doing.  And it's important to me to accomplish things.  Even if it is just 'wash all the bed clothes today'.  I like to tick things off my to do list!  But it's also very important to me not to get overwhelmed!

I feel like things are clicking in place.  I know that without being sober, I wouldn't feel like this.  I never in a hundred years ever imagined I'd be someone who DOESN'T want to drink.  I always thought if I didn't do it, I'd miss it.  I'd have to spend the rest of my life missing it.  But it turns out that it's like smoking.  Once I quit, I realised how senseless it was - that it did nothing for me and in fact just took away from my life.  This is the way I feel today anyway!

My 40th Birthday

So here's something that's been plaguing me.  My 40th birthday is coming up in December.  I always sort of pictured a big blow-out party for it where heaps  of people come and we have a blast.  We don't have 21st's in Canada and my husband and I opted for a small wedding.. .I was looking forward to my 40th because I thought it would be one big bash.

A couple of problems.  The first is that I don't have many friends here.  I had a larger group of acquaintances, but not close friends.  The friends I do have are awesome, very good people, I'm very close to them and we would have lots of fun.  They all know I am addicted to alcohol (why does calling myself an alcoholic still seem weird and fake?).  So the party will only be about 9 people and their kids.  The second problem of course is that there will be no alcohol.  I have no desire to sit around on my birthday and watch other people get pissed.  So I feel like... will this even be a party?  Does 9 people and no alcohol constitute a party??  And 2 of those 9 will have to travel.

But I'm thinking a family bbq/ pool party.  It will be fun.  Probably won't be too lame.  I guess I just like everything else, I have to readjust my thinking.  I just assume it won't be a party without alcohol and loads of drunk people.  Do people even have sober parties?  Anyone out there celebrate a milestone without alcohol??

Sugar sugar, turns out you are not my friend

So after three weeks of being sober I decided to start a diet.  I'm really unhappy with my weight and need to lose about 20 kg.  I did the whole counting calories thing and by the first weekend I was ready for a drink.  I quickly decided that I would not diet and cancelled the whole thing because I realised that when I drank, I used to not eat so that the alcohol would affect me faster/ better etc.  So when I'm really hungry, I crave red wine.  So no calorie counting for me!  Too risky.

But I was still really unhappy with my energy levels, my weight and my exhaustion.  I had a friend come visit for a couple of weeks and she did the 17 day diet.  I'm sure everyone else has heard of this but apparently I have been living under a rock and I hadn't.  I've tried to do cleanses before and have failed miserably.  But this one seems safe, seems like you still get lots of nutrition but can still rid your body of all the toxins.  I figure since I've ridded myself of alcohol, I should get the sugar out too.

Today is the morning of day 4 and I honestly can't believe what a difference I feel!  You know I hate people that go on and on about the perils of sugar - mostly because I felt guilty because I love sugar and all the yummy good-flavour it brings.  But man - I was addicted to sugar too!  How do I know?  Withdrawals.  But my experience with coming off alcohol has taught me to recognise what they are and not mistake them for cravings.  So ya, no sugar for 3 days and today I have so much energy.  Last night I slept like a log and was even able to fall quickly back to sleep after each boy woke through the night (normally I'd be up for an hour or so).  I even got out of bed with my oldest and was able to nap on the couch for a bit while he watched tv (bad mum but good rest!).  Heaps of energy!  It's awesome!!  Especially when I have 2 and 4 year old boys!!  And I'm just in a better mood, happier.  Who knew?

And the best is that my husband and I and a small group of friends are doing a 'biggest loser' competition.  We've all put in $20 and whoever loses the most by Christmas gets the pot.  Not that it's about the money - it's about the glory haha!!! 

3 months and counting

Haven't had a drink in over 3 months now.  Feels sort of normal actually... which is a bit weird I suppose.  I am just a non-drinker now. 

I haven't been around alcohol yet though, I've pretty much avoided it.  My husband has had a few after work drinks twice and it didn't bother me at all which is great.  In fact the last time I told him to go do it!  I thought that would bug me but it didn't.

Had a friend come visit from back home for 2 weeks and we didn't have a drop.  She has an occasional drink and I find myself thinking - is that actually what people do?  Like she can go on holiday for 2 weeks and not care at all about not drinking?  I couldn't.  Not when I drank.  In fact, even if I was the visitee and not the visitor - hell I would've been drunk every night she was here.  It would've been awful for so many reasons.

Anyway, just a quick post to say I'm still standing.  I'm still trying to find my feet.  Not drinking is the norm, but life is not normal.  I find I have to find different ways to deal with things now.  That is I actually have to deal with them.  I can't just use it as an excuse to drink and know that no one will get mad at me for drinking because they've pissed me off and I drink instead of discussing it.  Now I have to discuss it.  It's all new territory but I  must say I'm feeling pretty strong....

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Well it's been 10 weeks if you can believe it.  I can't, I just had to count.  I thought it was 8, maybe 9.  Just goes to show, time ticks on.  I was working for a few weeks but now I'm back home.  I want to post more on here.  I am keen to tell my story.  So I'm going to commit to more posts....  I have so much to say!!  And all the non-alcohol dependent people in my life don't really get it - CAN'T really get it.

So here's a brief review of what's been happening and how it's been going.

THE GOOD

Well there are the obvious things - not waking hungover, not going through life bleary eyed and feeling like crap, not beating myself up, feeling guilty and being angry with myself all the time... but now that some time has passed, there are more benefits.  I have been sewing heaps, and loving it... I have been working on my business.  My relationship with my husband is improving.  We're not there yet but we are joking around and sleeping in the same bed again and this is a huge change.  So we're on the right track.  And I'm able to see his side of things a bit now with finances, working etc.  We're back to being a team which is nice.  And when I'm upset, I feel I have reason to be and not because my mind is all fuddled and I'm making it up.  And I just handle it better.  I'm really enjoying my kids.  In the evening we all sit in the lounge together and my husband and I watch them play and play along.  The days seemed so long at first, and that was initially part of why I drank.  When I stopped, the days seemed long but in a good way, and I liked it... because it meant more time for me to sew!

THE BAD

It's not all roses.  At first I really felt alcohol was missing.  Daily.  It just seemed so weird to never drink and I missed it.  When I worked, that first friday I was driving home and I just felt a lacking.  In my adult life I've never had a friday where I didn't have a drink.  20 years of classical conditioning is hard to break I suppose.  I knew I could easily go home and drink.  I was dieting too so that had to stop - it was risking my sobriety.  

Also, life is a bit hum drum.  By that I mean it just ticks along - no drama.  I guess because there is no internal struggle on whether I drink or don't drink and then eventually succumb to drinking and then have the regret... the cycle isn't there so no drama.  I'm not picking fights with my husband.  I'm not apologising in the morning to him, feeling like a bad mum.  There is just no drama.  I have a problem, I try to deal with it rather than using it as an excuse to drink.  I love my life now, I'm enjoying it, but sometimes it just feels a bit... easy.  I know that may sound weird, but after years of the drinking dramas, it is just different living this way.

THE UGLY

There are times when I think about drinking.  There are times when I think 'ya I could easily down enough alcohol to send myself into oblivion.'  And if I follow that line of thinking a bit longer, I know I would like it.  Regardless of knowing all there reasons why I don't, I still know, I would like the feeling of not feeling, being.  So I quickly change my thoughts and don't continue to think about THAT.

I can't think about never drinking again.  I can't think about Christmas, visiting my in-laws, I can't even plan my 40th birthday.  Because it's too hard to imagine all those things without alcohol.  I can't imagine people will want to come to my birthday when there is no alcohol.  And there's no way I'd have a party where everyone else can drink but I can't.

And the ugly below all this is that feeling that I get.... that thought that I get... that I can control my drinking.  That idea that forms that it's ok, that I could control it now.  I don't listen to her.  I think that must be the addiction.  Must be part of this recovery... that part of my brain that tries to tell me it's not so bad, that now that I've gone this long, having one drink would be ok.  Drinking on holiday would be ok.  Drinking at Christmas would be ok.  But I shut that down right away.  In the end, I know it's not and it won't be just one.  I would slide down that slope right back into a pool of alcohol dependency.  So I just slam that door and run from those thoughts.

Just over two weeks!

Well who's counting the days but ya, this Wednesday it will be 3 weeks since I've had a drink!  And seriously, I'm not counting but I am aware of how far of come.

How far have I come do you ask??   Well, I feel freakin fantastic!  I am actually loving life!  Like I am happy for the first time in years...  I still have my struggles.. like yesterday I was having a hard tiring day (because sometimes, that's life) and I thought man I'd have a drink right now.  But then my thoughts don't follow that, the romantic thinking of kicking off my shoes and sitting down, feet up with a relaxing glass of wine.  Because that is not what happens.  Instead my mind goes next to a vision of me sitting at the table or in the kitchen avoiding my family and chugging back wine until I get to the point where everything is numb (haha I almost wrote dumb - Freudian slip!).  And then perhaps picking a fight with my husband, going to bed, waking at 2 and lying awake for 2 hours feeling bad about myself, waking in the morning with a hangover but pretending I don't have one, bumbling around the kitchen trying to get breakfast, throwing back a coffee in the hopes that it helps, not looking my husband in the eye because I'm not sure if I've been mean to him or what I've said and I was sometimes not even sure what I ate.  That's where my mind goes next because THAT is the reality.  And I have no desire, whatsoever, to go back there. 

So life is pretty good.  I just feel better.  I am going for walks and enjoying feeling good.  This past week I've been so tired so I've been going to bed early which sucks because I was enjoying that time in the evening but oh well... I'm listening to my body.

Now that it's nearly been 3 weeks and the alcohol is out of my system I am starting eating healthier... starting today..  I am currently at 86.4 kg which is over 20 kg over my 'normal' weight - which is the weight I was up til I had kids.  My goal is to reach my goal weight, or be as close as possible by my 40th birthday in December.  I lost weight in my late twenties so I know how to do it.... but back then I was drinking.  And now I'm not.  So I figure this time I can treat myself to some extra bread or some cheese instead of a night of drinking ;)  I'm really excited about this - especially since I know it will help me to feel better by eating a balanced diet... and getting exercise.  And it's spring here so perfect timing!  As I'm typing I hear the birds chirping :)

I want to drink... but I don't want to drink

Today is the type of day that makes me want to give up and have a drink.  I'm pretty upset with my current situation in life - suffice to say my husband's last day at work is this Friday and we have no means of income after that.  I feel like I'm tired of always cleaning up the messes, of fixing everything up.

I feel like I have done so much in the past 4 years.  I have been staying home raising our two boys and have struggled a lot with that.  I had post natal depression - well still do I suppose.  And there were days when I wish I'd die... not that I'd actually do anything to myself, but if say a tree fell on me, at that point, I'd have been ok with that.  Through counselling and medication and lots of self-work, I have built myself back up.  I feel - some days - like the person I used to be.. look forward to life and get joy at points.

I have also been building up my business, working to create new things and also trying to market my business and products. 

I have made a new friend with common interests and she doesn't drink which is even better.

I have taken parenting courses to both improve my skills as a parent and gain confidence in my parenting.

I have tried to implement budgets.  I eat out less, I make more food from scratch.  I am adding personal touches to our home.

This is what I wished for - what I have been working towards and you know, I'm happy.

I am working on my drinking, 7th day sober today and I know this is the next thing I'm meant to be working on, but I am happy and I feel like life is going pretty smoothly.

But my husband is miserable.  He hates his stressful job and can't do it anymore.  I get that, I really do.  But the thing I don't get is that he quit with nothing else lined up.  And he wanted to move AGAIN.  So I said in the heat of the moment an din panic that if we didn't move, I'd work.  But I don't want to work.  I've done all the hard yards and I want to reap the benefits of all the labour I've put in over the last 4 years.  Things were finally going smoothly and all was well and now I'm expected to go to work to support the family??
We have no savings, heaps of expenses and no one is doing anything about planning for what we are going to do next week when we have no job.  I tried to talk to my husband to make a plan but all he said was 'we have to find work'.  He's not filed a tax return in years - we could be getting money back from that.  We could be doing heaps of other things in the interim.. but all he thinks is we have to get work.  Like it's that easy - and that fast.

And then last night he's looking at houses that are on the market.  He always seems to look for the quick fixes.  Like selling our house at a loss and buying another will solve our problems.  Or moving to a different city.

I feel like he's really put us in a bind but I felt I couldn't say anything because he's miserable and I don't want him to be miserable.

And now I am the one who has to go through all the finances agian, cancel all the extras etc etc.  And it's such bad timing because I am trying to get ready for two huge craft markets in the next two weeks and I had commited to these long before my husband resigned.

I just feel like it's always me fixing things.  I am so angry.  And it's only 1:15 and I want to drink.  I usually start drinking at 3pm so that I can escape from this.  It's all just built up today and I'm not sure what to do or how to get through this.  

The difference with this time

Last year I gave up alcohol for 2 months from October to December.  This time around things are different.  I keep thinking about what I thought then and what I feel now and want to get it out.

Last time I thought I'd give up alcohol and automatically everything will be better.  I would feel better, feel rested, lose weight, be happy.  When I woke up feeling like crap I would think to myself 'well I feel like crap anyway, I may as well drink if I'm going to feel like this!'   This time I realise that I'm actually going through withdrawl.  I feel like crap because my body is working extra hard to get rid of its dependancy on alcohol.  I feel like crap because my body is recovering from being used to having alcohol in my body on a daily basis and it is fighting this need along with trying to repair itself.

Last time I thought I'd lose weight right away.  This time I'm not worrying about that right now.  I am treating myself to other things, eating what I want and what my body wants and then once I'm through this initial withdrawl and I start to feel better I will work on my weight.

Last time I thought that I would have all this free time in the evenings because I'm not drinking.  This time I realise that I am just really tired as I work through the withdrawls both physically and mentally and I just go to bed when I am tired.

Last time I looked at the big picture - wanted all these changes N-O-W and expected them asap.  I overlooked all the little things that were happening.  This time I am paying attention to those little things. Things like I just look at my kids and see how cute they are and how nice they are and how much I was missing.  I think about how I'm not stressed out first thing in the morning trying to get breakfast ready and fighting the blurry hangover state I was in.  This time I notice that I have a few spare minutes during the day to sit at my sewing machine and do a few stitches.  This time I enjoy being able to look my husband in the eye (not avoid eye contact because I'm too embarrased and ashamed) and have a silly laugh about something totally dumb that we find funny.  This time I am giving myself a break for being grumpy and I don't expect myself to be all happy and roses... I realise this is a tough time and it's ok to be miserable sometimes.  I don't have to be happy and perfect just cuz I'm not drinking.

It's still a struggle.  Especially when 3 pm hits and that's the time I usually start drinking.  Today will be a test because my husband won't be home til 5:30.  I might have to go pick him up from work to keep the gremlins away.  So it's not super easy and there are still times when I want to drink.  And I don't ever think about how I'm 'never going to drink again'.  But this time I realise there is a lot more going on inside of me and I have to have patience.  I just keep thinking that I'm not losing weight right now just because I've stopped drinking and my business isn't an overnight success and my husband and I aren't holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes all madly in love.. none of this has automatically happened... but I keep thinking that there is no way that any of that would happen while I was drinking the way I was.  At least now I have a chance for all of this to happen in the future.  And I have faith that it will.

Day 6

Well here I am again, and this time I've partly ended up here by accident.

I've been seeing my Alcohol Counsellor (AC) and this is my 3rd one and she really suits me.  She is very logical, full of information and comes at it (at least with me) with an intellectual perspective.  What I mean is she explains heaps to me like the actual physical effects of alcohol on, say, my liver.  And she explains how giving up alcohol will bring me through the 5 stages of grief.  And she explained where I am on the spectrum of alcohol consumers.... from non-drinker on the far left to alcohol dependent on the far right.  I am alcohol dependent but she says within that range I am on the far left of the spectrum in that I still have control. And she says it's important that I do because I don't want to step over that line.

And then she put the labelling alcohol chart away and we won't talk about it again.  She doesn't use the word alcoholic and says it's old fashioned and out dated.  I am happy with all these things.  I also think it's good that a professional has finally told me I have a problem.  I still sometimes think I don't (denial I suppose) but I know I do.

And then we worked on a plan to get to abstinence which would take 4 weeks of reducing my alcohol intake in conjuction with growing the number of alcohol free days in a row.  We're doing it this way just so we can avoid any potentially harmful withdrawls.  Apparently I was at risk of having siezures, a stroke etc.  Man that was a real eye opener... to realise my body has become that dependant on alcohol that I actually risk such harmful withdrawl symptoms!

So I'm on week 2.  Week 1 was drink no more than 1 bottle of wine per session and 2 alcohol free days in a row.  I didn't think I did well but she thought I did.  Week 2 is 2 alcohol free days in a row plus one other alcohol free day and then keep to 1/2 a bottle of wine per session.  I was a bit worried about how I would open a bottle of wine and not finish but but lo-and-behold I caught the flu.  I got super sick on Thursday which was the 2nd day of week two (my appointments are on Wednesday and therefore that is the 'start' of my alcohol week).   I am still sick today.  I have been suffering withdrawl symptoms and yesterday was pretty bad but because I have the flu, I can't possibly drink.  I did think about it yesterday just to allieviate the withdrawl symptoms but I knew this would only delay the inevitable and next week I'd just have to go through them again.  I guess I'm just ripping the bandage off quickly this time. 

I have so much to say, and so much I've been wanting to write.  Just wanted to give an update to say where I am on this journey.  I hopefully will be posting more and more to help me through this - to understand what I'm going through, to work things through.

And yet I still feel guilty

So I'm sticking to my 'maximum alloted drinks' and even to the number of alcohol free days each week.  Sunday I didn't drink.  Monday I did.  I stuck to 8 drinks (ya I know that's a lot but still, heaps less then I had been drinking).  I woke up Tuesday feeling guitly.  Drank Tuesday night.  Woke up Wednesday feeling a bit self-righteous.  Today I woke at 4 and barely slept since.  My feelings today were a mixture of anger at others, self-loathing, feeling there is nothing for me in life, depressed, lonely and the rest. 

I seem to notice this pattern when I drink in successive days.  Like one day is ok.  Two is not.  Three is horrible.  By 4 I hate everyone in my life.  Or at least those closest to me.  I think about leaving it all. 

In the end I know I have to stop drinking.  If I don't, I will be on this ride for eternity.  But you know, I was so tired today and so upset that I was thinking the last thing I need to do is drink.  But then I was also thinking about how much I wanted to drink to forget it all.  We all know that doesn't happen.  I forget for a while but really all I'm doing is stewing in these 'juices'.  I stick to my 8 maximum but all the while I really want more. Life was easier when I quit for 2 months.  I was still miserable but at least my hatred wasn't inwardly directed. 

Life was so much easier when I was amongst university students, or a young single professional in Canada's capital.  But now I have people to answer to.  I'm not living alone.  I know what this is doing.  And it's not even so much what I'm doing to my family, because I try soooo hard to be good. It's what I'm left with at the end of the day when I'm alone. 

The thing is... I can't handle thinking about family parties in the future without alcohol.  I'll be missing out.

Well, maybe not.  The more this continues, the less I see that as a reason to quit drinking. 

Update time

Hi all,

Been a bit absent.  We went on holiday for a week so didn't post .. got back and just got busy with life.

Things have been going well for the most part.  Been a bit stressful with the move and not knowing what we're going to be doing but we've just realised selling the house right now would mean making a huge loss so we've decided to stay put for the time being.  HUGE stress off my shoulders.

As for the drinking, I've been seeing my alcohol counsellor.  Bit tough as she actually said I was addicted to alcohol and anyone who is should abstain.  That was a real shock to hear and I think part of me is still in disbelief even though I know I have a problem... if that makes sense.  Up til now everyone I have sought out has sort of laughed at me thinking I had a problem.  She left my goal up to me and for now I'm still trying to control my drinking.  I am doing this for a couple of reasons.  One is that I need to prove to myself that I can (or more likely can't) control my drinking.  That way if and when I do decide to abstain I will know for sure that I couldn't control it.. not like last time where I doubted if I had a problem.  The second is of course that I don't want to stop drinking.  Of course.

So it's been ok.  When I don't drink, I find it pretty easy peasy.  When I do drink I have been keeping to my set limit with my counsellor... except one night I overdid it drinking with family.  So right now my limit is still pretty high - one bottle of wine (yikes!) per session which is fairly easy to control because I only have a bottle of wine in the house at any given time so I can't continue.  Still, it's hard once I start.  But then the next day I realise that I'm still pretty hung over and feel quite crappy.  At least I don't have the guilt (as much) because i'm working towards a goal.

So that's where things stand at the moment. 

Today I am not going to drink

That's right.  I am staying strong in my resolve and not even allowing myself one thought of 'maybe'.  Today I am not going to drink.  I have decided that since Monday nights have the one or two tv shows that my husband and I like, I'm not going to drink today and instead I'm going to do everything I can to look forward to that time together at the end of the day when our kids are asleep.

It's a good day for it too.  Both kids are in care and I'm at home by myself.  I can do anything I want until 3pm and I'm going to.  Then they can come home, we'll have a snack (so I won't be hungry because that's always when I want to drink- it has the greatest and quickest effect on an empty stomach!).  And we'll wait to have dinner with my hubby at 5:30.  Once he's home and I've eaten, I'm in the clear.  Just need to get through from 3:30 to 5:30.  But I'm strong in my resolve.

I've been to the doctor.  It was quite good going, she did a physical exam so I know the alcohol hasn't destroyed me (yet).  She told me I'm not an alcoholic.  In some ways that is good to hear but in others it was a bit dissapointing.  I know I'm not an alcoholic, but if I was, there would be no other way than to quit.  This sort of opens the door to moderation etc.  She referred me to an alcohol counsellor.  One that is local (before I had to drive 40 minutes to the one I was seeing).

I went to the alcohol counsellor on Friday.  She is part of the Salvation Army Bridge Programme which I had never heard of before.  We spent about an hour and a half discussing basically my medical history.  I have an appointment on Wednesday this week and she said this week we are going to delve in to my alcohol history in depth and also work on some coping strategies.  My only requirement is that I need to be sober for the 24 hours before going.  So that means no drinking tomorrow either.  I'm determined to do this.  I feel like crap today so it will be somewhat easy not to drink today.

Friday's appointment was a bit difficult.  I had to talk about a couple of things that I tend not to think are a big deal but given her reaction, they probably are.  Friday night my husband and I had a few drinks and we had a real heart to heart about our move.  The rest of the weekend was pretty good as we are on a real positive note with our relationship, our move and our lives on the whole.  So for this reason, I feel less the need to drink and more the need to sit on the couch and have a cuppa and a relaxing time together.  He really opened up to me and I now see the troubles he is going through as well.  We have a great game plan for the move and what we are going to do once we get there.

But I still drank heaps last night.  A bottle of red and a bunch of bubbly because that was the only thing left in the house.  I woke at 2 am and started my ritual of regret but at least I could tell myself 'I'm doing something about it'.  I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor.

I was going to spend the day working on my business but instead I think I'll just relax.  I need to keep in this frame of mind.  I'm a bit lonely today too.  Maybe I need a bit more sleep.

Feeling like crap

So I'm not drinking today, I'm determined not to.  And I know tomorrow I will still be tired but at least I won't be hung over.  I'm writing this so that I can remember exactly how I feel the day after I drink... or how I feel after drinking for 3 weeks straight and finally stopping.

See the thing is, I wake up feeling fine.  I don't really feel tired or hungover... but after I eat lunch it hits.  I feel tired and seedy... bit groggy and almost like I've smoked a pack of cigarettes (I don't smoke).  And cold.  I'm freezing!  It always hits me in the afternoon I think.. but by this point I've usually already decided that I'm going to drink so I only have to hang out for an hour or two and then I know I can have my wine so I think that makes me not 'feel' so bad... or at least not pay attention to how bad I feel.

But today, I know I'm not going to drink so I don't have that little ray of hope to hang on to.  Instead though, I am focussing on how when the kids go to bed at 7 I can then relax and watch tv under a blanket, read a book or go to bed early.  I only have to make it til 7 and I'll be fine.  And really, that's only 2 hours later than I have to make it to have a drink so it's not really that long.  And I know I'll feel good tomorrow.  I won't wake at 2 am and not be able to get back to sleep because of my self loathing.  I will wake up feeling good about myself and the fact that I didn't drink.  And I will just feel better because I won't be hung over.

I just want to be able to remind myself of this.

I'm off to see the doctor shortly to talk about my drinking.  May be back later to say how it went.  Wish me luck!  And strength.

Habit or addiction?

So I've been drinking, every day again.   Still.  I'm trying so hard to break it but I can't seem to do it.  I can easily justify it because of the stress of my life... but then I can easily see that drinking does not make it better.  That it makes it worse.

It's hard because I constantly ask is this just a habit or an addiction.  Then a few days ago I read a post on the Drinking Diaries about Chardonnay Housewives and it spoke to me.  Especially this line:  '...Dublin doctor who specializes in addiction, sees is the one who had engaged in “social, sitting at home, bottle of wine” kind of drinking, which at first seems harmless. The problem is when the ritual moves into a habit, then a full-blown craving, and finally, a need.'

And I think... that is totally me.  It has now become a need.  And I do crave it.  The other day I actually had the shakes and that scared the crap out of me.  And at the same time I felt strangely relieved because now I know it's a problem. 

I was going to make an appointment with my Dr but I made the mistake of talking to my husband about it.  I say mistake becuase he doesn't understand it.  He sees me as a person in total control and just says 'if you want to drink, drink.  Don't feel guilty about it'.  And I"m realising that he's not a jerk, he just doesn't get it.  I don't want to drink and I drink.  I want to drink and I drink.  I swear I won't drink and I drink.  It has nothing to do with want anymore.  And I always feel guilty.  I wake at 2 am and lie there beating myself up, swearing I won't drink today... I lay awake for hours.  In the morning, I slowly start to realise that I will drink today.

The other line in the article that hit home with me was:  ' ... given the Russian Roulette nature of addiction (you don’t know you’re an addict until you’re hooked, and then the denial kicks in)...' which is of course where I sit right now... but then it goes on to say '...it might be a good idea for women to learn to untangle wine from need, and make it a weekend treat instead of something to look forward to “each and every day."' which makes me feel like I can do what I want - control it and keep it to the weekends.  But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get to that point.

I have no idea how to kick this. It seems bigger than what I can do on my own. I try to not drink, I try to control/ limit the alcohol but I'm realising that I can't just do it on my own. I'm going to call the doctor today and talk to her about it. I'm so embarrased though. I don't want to admit my problem to her. I don't want her to realise what a mess I am.

Reading Recommendations?

Just looking for some book suggestions on alcohol/ alcoholism.  I'm struggling to figure out what I'm going through and since I read up on everything else, I'd like to read about this too.  I went to the library but wasn't sure what to get... so I'm turning to you.

Could you please suggest some books for me?  I'm looking for information on what alcohol does to you (the hard truth so I can no longer deny that there's no harm) and also maybe some biographies of people who have gone through this... but I'm not looking for ones on hardcore drug addicts/ alcoholics... I'm more looking at people who drink like me... like obviously way too much but are still able to function etc etc.....

Any suggestions are welcome - thanks.
Rosie

Down in the dumps

It sort of seems like nothing is going right in my life at the moment.  I'm pretty down about it all. I've been drinking again and it would be easy to blame it all on the alcohol but it's not just the drinking.  The drinking is a side effect of everything else going on.  And I know it makes it worse and that if I quit, once I get through the inital rough bit (however many days, weeks, months, years that takes) it will get better - or so I'm told.  But right now, I can't see life being any better without alcohol.

I'm being completely honest here - and I have been worried about writing because I don't want to look like a complete idiot to all of you who have been through this before and have come out the other side.  I can almost hear shouts of 'how can you do this to yourself' or worse - how can I be so stupid?  Why do I keep giving in.

Truth is, I'm lost right now.  I have no idea what to do.  There really isn't any part of me that wants to completely quit drinking.  There is a part of me that is saying 'screw it' and just giving in.  The biggest part of me wants to just control my drinking and that's what I've been working on doing - at least until this part of my life is over.

This part - this moving to a new place.  This life it total upheaveal part.  I mean I know there will always be ups and downs in life but right now I'm feeling really down.  The idea of moving to a new place and starting all over again is not a great one.  And at this moment in time, I feel like I have no one to talk to.  I tried talking to my husband last night but he told me I wasn't being nice.  So there - no friends that I can talk to about how down I feel (no one I feel I can really open up to), a husband that outright rejects me, a 2 year old who always wants to sit on me and be with me 24/7, I'm trying to get my business going but no one seems to want my stuff (more rejection - I've been to two craft markets and have only sold a couple of things - not even covering my costs), bills have piled up and we can't pay them... etc etc etc.  I feel so down and I can't even turn to sewing because it messes up the house.

And we're going away this weekend to go look at houses and it will be left up to me to pack the car and clean the house because we will have an open home when we are gone.

I feel there is too much going on and on top of it, I have to take care of my 3 and 1 year old (of course) and my husband coaches rugby on the weekends so starting saturday morning he is totally occupied with that and then he's gone half the day.  He's not an ass, he's a great guy, but he's miserable right now because of work so I do feel he needs his rugby.  But then where does it leave me?

Alone.  And lonely.  With no one to talk to. 

Far out!

Man I am having a hell of a day.  So here's what's been happening... my husband took my car today because he is doing volunteer work and his car doesn't have a renewed rego (and he already got a $400 ticket because of this but that's another story).  So I decided to walk the 40 minutes to a restaurant to meet other mums from my sons kindy. 

I had both boys there so that was a bit of a mission but I wasn't hungover so was able to cope.  We walked back home another 40 min so I was pretty tuckered out.. my littlest fell asleep in the pram so I carried him in but of course he woke up.  So now it's no rest time, right in to lunch etc. 

Then I had to tidy the house for a viewing at 1:45 (house is on the market and though we agreed we would have open homes only, there seems to be heaps of viewings by appointment and you can imagine the nightmare that is with a 1 and a 3 year old!).  So I vaccumed, hung the washing, folded all other washing and put away, picked up all the toys, did all the dishes, cleaned the counter tops etc etc.... got the boys out the door (another misison since we had been out all morning and they wanted to stay home).

We went for a walk and in all actuallity I was starting to feel better.  I felt like phew - Bwendo is right, just go for a walk... we went to a little park, looked at some fallen leaves and had a good play.  We came back to the house but the cars were still here.. 45 min later!  So we carried on walking.  After another 20 min we came back and the real estate agent was still here.  She said the couple also looked at the house across the street because it is coming on the market next week.  CRAP!  A house across the street - that sucks.

So I come in and decide to treat myself to  a fizzy drink (which I try to limit but am allowing myself because I'm not having alcohol and I feel I need something).  I open the fridge door and out the pepsi comes, flying across the room, lid breaks and fizzy drink (soda) goes EVERYWHERE!  This after I had just cleaned the whole house!  So I had to get towels etc and clean it up - of course with my 3 year old asking me why I did that (if I weren't so overwhelmed, I'd find that hilarious).  So I clean it up.. they start asking for snacks so I have to get the sheets to put on the floor because we have carpets in the eating area and we've cleaned the carpets and don't want to stain them again... the kids are making their regular demands about what they want to eat and I just lose it. 

I thought I'd be able to cope better without alcohol but at least at the end of the day I can have a drink and calm down.  I find this is all too much for me.  I don't know if it's becuase there is so much going on or if this is normal for people trying to stop drinking.  I keep thinking maybe this isn't the right time then I think is that just an excuse?  All I know is that I am a millimetre away from saying fuck it.  And drinking.

It's day 4 and I want a drink

That's about the size of it.  Already my mind is starting with the 'it wasn't so bad' and 'who really cares, I should just have a drink' and a million other things like that.  I can taste the wine in my mouth.  I guess I am craving it .... I don't really want to drink but I do if that makes any sense.  I'm not going to.  I mean there is no way I am going to today.  It's just forever that scares me.  I still want to keep drinking to the weekends.  But then I know it'll seep out in to the week and before I know it I'll be back to 1.5 bottles a day.  Anyway, just had to get out of my head and write it out and put it out there.  I want to drink.

3rd Day Sober

I made it through a Saturday night and a Sunday sober.  It was really good because I had a craft fair yesterday and it was fantastic spending the day there and not being hung over...  It was also great to wake up sober and not feel like crap all day.

I'm writing because last time I 'quit drinking' (I am using quotes because I only paused my drinking... stopped for 2 months then started again) I didn't really write about the good things.  I know when I quit I expected life to instantly be better, that I wouldn't be tired anymore, I'd have heaps of time for my business, time to read, run, do all these things and lose weight... but in actual fact, none of these things happened.  I was still exhausted most of the time, I turned to food instead of alcohol to 'treat' myself...

This time things are different.  I realise that I am in recovery.  I realise now that the exhaustion probably has a lot to do with that recovery.  I also feel that this time around I am going to take it easy on myself.  My main goal right now is to live a sober life.  Sure I want to lose weight.. but not at the expense of returning to drinking.  I think I really need to prioritise here and not drinking has to be at the top of my list.  If I also work on my business, great - but that's just a bonus.

I also know that I have to listen to my body.  I need to sleep when I'm tired, even if I really want to do something else ... or rest when the kids are here and play games laying on the floor if I have to!  I also know I need to eat when I'm hungry ... my usual M.O. is to starve myself so that I lose weight, but in the end I'd always end up drinking when I was super hungry - or making really bad food decisions.  I am going to make healthier food choices because this is all about a time where I need to treat myself well.

Easier said than done I know... even now as I sit here with both kids off to kindy/ day care, I feel like I should be doing something when all I really want to do is go and lay on the couch.  This is something I need to actively work on, and give myself a break for.  I am going through recovery and I need to take care of myself. 

I no longer expect miracles.  I no longer expect life to be perfect.  I no longer expect to be angry about every little thing and allowed to act on it simply because I have given up alcohol - my outlet, my coping mechanism.

But I do want to write about the small things that make a difference so that when I feel like drinking, I can look back and see that life really is better without alcohol.  I didn't do that last time... I didn't look at how all the little things added up so that when I wanted to drink I thought 'why not, nothing's really changed'.  I don't want to do that this time because I know that all the little things add up to a better life.  A bigger life.

Today is Monday and I feel ok.  In fact this morning I actually felt joy - real happiness... which is something I haven't felt in ages.  It wasn't huge and didn't last for a long time, but it happened because I remember thinking 'man I feel good!'.  It's Monday and I feel ok, not great, still a bit weird at being home by myself.  I didn't get much sleep last night due to a waking baby, but I'm sober, I'm not hung over and I'm not beating myself up.  I realise it's ok to be tired.  Life goes on.  I am feeling ok today and that is a big little thing. 

Time for a change

Well I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good, though a bit groggy.  Somewhere along my daily journeys I decided that I would drink last night.  I had a bottle and a half of wine, which is now the norm since a bottle doesn't quite do it.  I ended up getting really upset with my husband about something that was very important to me ... but today I can't even remember what it was.  And that was the second time I did that over the past week.

This morning my husband gave me a big cuddle and said it was because of what happened last night.  I am so ashamed that I don't know what it is, and I don't want to know what I said.  He knows I can't remember.

It's definitely time for me to quit.  I don't know how I did it before for 2 months.  But it's definietly time.  I'm not drinking tonight  - and it has been hard.  But the good thing is that I have a craft market tomorrow and it will be awesome not to wake up hung over and to be able to get through the day without feeling awful and tired.

I'm doing ok right now.  I'm home alone because my husband and boys are out at the rugby club .. I didn't want to stay because I don't want to drink.  Actually that's not true - I'm tired and I just don't want to be there so I came home.  It's nice, just doing some sewing and watching tv.  I'm going to make dinner now and eat before they get home (they're having dinner there - don't know why I felt the need to mention that haha!) so that I am even less tempted to drink.  I always drink on an empty stomach and usually stop once I've eaten.  Once I eat tonight I know any thoughts of having alcohol will be gone.  Then I can go to bed nice and early and get a good night's sleep.

Today is the first day of me being sober.

It's 8:55 pm and I'm sober

Yes, it's true!  And I'm so proud.  This is the first day in at least a week - possibly two - that I haven't drank.  And I haven't wanted to.  I've been meaning to write all day about things going through my head but have been so busy with... life.  I just want to write that I am not drinking today and I feel great about it (although quite hungover from yesterday... but allowing the hangover to happen rather than delaying it one more day by drinking again).

More tomorrow hopefully.... I hope to get time to write tomorrow!

I drank again last night

I really don't know how to stop this.  It's 9:15 in the morning and I feel like crap and all I want to do is eat junk food and yet I'm still contemplating getting a bottle of wine for tonight just in case I want to have a drink.  Which of course means I will.

How did I get like this?  Or have I always been like this but now the blinders are off and I can see what I'm doing.  I know it's the latter... I used to drink like this - or more - but I lived on my own and I guess I was hugely in denial.  Like I knew it was bad to drink every day but oh well, it wasn't that big of a deal to me then. 

But now it is.  And I have no idea how to stop.  I have no idea how to go just one day without a drink.  I've gotten back in to the pattern of drinking every day.  I guess I am really an addict.  Like sometimes I think what's wrong with me?  But then I think alcohol is a drug - a socially acceptable one though.  Like no one would believe it if a heroin addict said 'ahhhh, I'll just shoot up on the weekend, that way I can control it'.  Like what??  Of course that's not controlling it - that's just limiting the destruction a bit.  And opening the door to doing it once during the week, then twice, then every day.  And yet I think it's hilarious to speak this way about heroin (ok I don't do any drug other than alcohol so I'm not speaking from experience here but just how it would sound to me if someone told me they were only going to do a bit of a drug) but for some reason, it doesn't seem as absurd when I say 'oh I'll just drink on the weekends'.  Probably because that's what so many people do.

So it's obvious to me what I have to do.  But fuck I don't want to live life without alcohol.  Dumb dumb dumb!!!

It's a slippery slope

I haven't written in ages.  I've been drinking. 

Things had been going ok.  I was happy with keeping my drinking to the weekends - I was even tossing half a glass of wine if I didn't actually feel like drinking it.  I was doing well, happy to be sober during the week and happy to have a few on the weekends. 

But of course, it's a slippery slope for me.

We had some houseguests for a week and a half... a glass of wine or two at dinner and I thought sure, we have company.  But I knew full well that I was using it as an excuse to break my own rule.  Then we had another visitor... then we went to a family farm for the weekend and my husband and I came back determined to move up there.

Then the stress of having the upheaval of moving.  Getting the house ready to sell while a 1 and 3 year old follow me around undoing everything I do!  I knew the burden would fall mostly on me because I'm the one at home.  I feel like I was finally at a point where things were under control, that life was good.  I was spending my 2 days a week while the kids are at care working on my business.  I've even done a craft market.  Then this happened.

Basically my husband is very unhappy in his work.  I'm not so thrilled about the long hours he's away from home.  When we went to the farm we realised how much family is there and how we wouldn't be on our own.... cousins for the boys to play with, etc.  We've always wanted to live on a farm so that's what we're going to do.

I know this is a great move for us.  I'm not even that worried about moving to a new town and leaving this one.  I mean I've made friends here but my husband is the person I enjoy spending time with and I know we'll have more of that when we move.  But it's still all very hard.  Just trying to get the house together (and we've not done a lot of the 'extras' in keeping a house up to standard like weeding the gardens etc because it's so hard with 2 young kids to even keep the house clean!) and I don't really know what else but it's just been hard.

So I continued to drink.  I do it to help cope but that's a big lie because it only succeeds in making it harder to cope because I end up not doing stuff in the evenings because I'm drinking and then I'm hung over the next day so not doing things... and things are falling apart.  Our bills aren't getting paid, I'm not doing my business, I had started losing weight and now I'm gaining it back, I'm waking up in the middle of the night beating myself up mentally and emotionally and I'm up for hours... it's just all falling to pieces. 

It's insane because I know I just need to not drink.  But even as I write this, even as I vowed that I will not drink during the week, a huge part of me just wants to pick up a bottle of wine to have tonight.

Another sad Monday

Well I haven't written because - you guessed it - I've been drinking.  We've had family visiting for the past week and a bit and of course I've used it as an excuse to break my 'no drinking during the week rule'.  And it all came to the final epic drink I had at a wedding this past weekend.  No, I didn't do anything stupid, I was fine.  But I woke yesterday (Sunday) just feeling like total crap.  I was physically ill for most of the early hours of the morning.  Thankfully the kids stayed overnight at a friend's so I could recover.  But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain.  And not just the beating myself up.. but also the feeling of just being so down.

And I still feel that way today.  I know a couple of weeks ago I wrote that I thought drinking on the weekend was part of the reason for my monday morning blues... but wondered if it was also because I was on my own on Mondays.. but I don't feel that way when I'm on my own on Wednesdays.  But also - today I still have company here and I still feel so lonely and down and have a hollow, empty feeling in my chest.  I often felt this way throughout my drinking 'career' .... just so yuck the next day.  Course this lessened during those times that I decided not to stop drinking just because it was a weekday. 

The more I carry on with this drinking, the more clear it becomes to me.  I can't just keep drinking on the weekends.  For one, it just keeps the door open to having 'just one' drink during the week (which inevitably will become more) and also because feeling this way is just so horrible.

But then why do I still feel like on Friday night I'll want to have a drink?  What is it that I am getting out of it?  Or is it just a habit?  Very down.  Just want this to stop :(

It's all in the way we think

This is something I have been hearing about since my mid-twenties.  It's not so much the situation that we are in, it's how we interpret it that makes the difference.   The book The Secret calls it the Law of Attraction - that what we put out in the universe comes back to us.  Louise Hay talks about vibrations and energy and what we put out in the universe we get back.  I really want to buy in to all this, but at the very least, I believe that what we focus on - what I focus on - is what I pay attention to more so that's what I experience more of .. if that makes sense.

For example.  Losing weight.. still focussing on the weight.  And of course - stop drinking... still really focusing on the 'drinking'.  Instead think of being thin or living a sober, brilliant life!

I try really hard to retrain my brain but I find that since I had kids, and since the depression, I am stuck a lot in my brain.  Well that's probably not entirely true.  I think this has always been the way I am but now that I'm not rushing off to work and 'busy' all day I just have more time to think about things.  More time to realise things.  More time to see how my thoughts are shaping my world.

I know that today, when I have both kids home and no money in the bank and no glass of wine at the end of the tunnel, I start thinking 'this is going to be a long day'.  That is going to make it a long day.
The problem for me is how do I change the way I think?  Is it small steps?  A major overhaul?  It seems overwhelming.  But it's something I want to work on because I can only imagine how wonderful my life would be if my first thougths in the morning are 'how great it is to be alive!  I am ready to start this day!'

An Update on my Drinking

Ok so I've said that I have still been drinking but keeping it to the weekends only and I've also said that I'm ok with this.  I'm starting to think I'm not actually ok with this.

I woke up today feeling down.  I know it's the day my kids go to care/ kindy so I have the day to myself.  Not sure why I feel down - I start thinking maybe it's because I'm working on my business today and I'm scared that it won't be successful or that I'm selfish for spending the day doing that or that maybe it's because I don't want to be stuck in a room all alone sewing all day.  Not really sure why I feel this way, I carry on with my morning (because I have to!  I have two young kids haha).

So I am driving back home after dropping them off feeling really low.  I've seen a friend this morning and she's so thin and trim and I'm reminded of how much weight I've put on while overseas... but it motivates me to hop on the crosstrainer.  I picked up my book 'The Easyway to Control Your Drinking' by Allen Carr (yes, still haven't finished it - man it's taking me a long time but you know why - because I fear once I finish it I will indeed have to quit).  As I pick up the book, it dawns on me that it's entirely possible that I am feeling low because I drank all weekend.  And I don't really mean feeling low because I am disappointed in myself (because that is true too).  I mean just feeling low because of the physical effects of the alcohol.  It is a depressant.  So is it possible that I am feeling down because I've been taking a depressant all weekend?   I'm seriously asking you this - yes you - anyone reading this - please share your thoughts!  I'm feeling all alone out here.....

And yes, I do feel ... something... that I've been drinking.  I know I've been saying I'm all good with it, but that is probably just wishful thinking.  I ended up drinking a bottle and a half of wine on Friday night where I had been sticking to just one bottle (haha - even reading that is insane!  'just' one bottle.  Ya that's a lot of alcohol people!).  Then the other half on Saturday night with a few beers til we ran out.  Then a glass of wine yesterday at a function I was at.

I mean clearly the increase in the amount I'm drinking is evidence that I am never going to be free of this by trying to control it.  The amount will always increase.  I felt sooooo sick on Saturday because I'm not used to drinking that much - but still drank Saturday night.  So clearly my problem hasn't changed, it's just been contained to two nights (and perhaps part of Sunday).

But I still maintain that I do not want to be sitting around a table in 20 years, 3 nights a week, talking about how I'm one drink away from annihilation.  That's  the thing Mr. Carr speaks about.. and I believe he is right.  It's not the quitting that is the hard part, it's the fear of feeling deprived for the rest of our lives.  If I have to chose between drinking and feeling awful about it or being sober and feeling awful about it... well I know who's going to win out in that war.  I KNOW there is a way to quit and not feel like I've quit.  I feel like I'm on the cusp of it. 

But I need to be truthful again.  I've been trying to focus on other things - healthy lifestyle (I need to update my 30 days because I have been doing it!!), working on my business etc etc.. but I'm trying to by-pass the alcohol thing.  I think today I realise that is not going to happen.  I'm feeling guilty, low, sad and alone.  Boo hoo!!  Time to move on to something else before I cry in my coffee :)

When the kids rule the roost

I keep thinking this blog is no longer about alcohol but it dawned on me today that because I'm no longer using alcohol as a coping mechanism - this is the reason all these other things are coming to light!  Like usually, kids bugging me, drink.. spouse annoyed me... drink.... stressed trying to cook dinner... drink... sunny day ... well you get the picture!

But now I'm faced with all these things - life's challenges - and I have to actually deal with them.

So I've had it with the kids ruling my world.  And like I know, kids come first and they always have.  But I soooo accommodate them with every.. little... thing....and I mean everything.  I have this thing in my that my kids must not be upset.  Or wanting.  Or lacking.  Or anything really.  So when J-bird wants to watch a tv show - great.  But then he wants to watch something different so I change it.  Then he wants a different part  of the show.  So I change it.  Ad nauseum. 

I don't know how I didn't see this before.  OF COURSE it is going to do my head in.  Like running around like a headless chicken trying to satisfy children who don't even have a clue what they want?!  But I don't want them raised like I was so I try to give them everything they need.

No more.  In the end I just end up snapping.  Like how can I not?  I am a patient person and I can last for ages, but when I know it's an endless cycle of this, of course I can't take it.  I don't think anyone can.  And this is probably the second biggest reason why I want to work (the first being money money money monnnneeeey!).  I just want to/ need to get away. 

But now I want to work on my own business.  And my husband is tired of hearing me complain about how hard it is at home - he wants me to do something.  Like make a change.  Like go to work.  So here I am, on my own, trying to deal with it.  I don't want to be away from my kids 5 days a week.  But I don't want to continue like this.

So today I figured it out.  I need stronger boundaries.  And not the kind where I put a rule in place and then I feel like I'm being 'mean' to the kids so I hug them and apologise and give in to something else.  I mean rules.  Strong rules.  Fair rules, but strong none-the-less.  So here I am, making the rules.  The kids were throwing food around at dinner so I turned the tvs off and made them pick it all up.  Then the tv didn't go back on.  They had to play and be good. 

Ok all this probably sounds pretty straightforward and obvious but for me it hasn't been.  Between my PND, my upbringing of being hit and basically ignored, and not knowing what to do instead I have been running around trying to make EVERYONE else happy and making myself insane in the process.

Small steps, but today I actually did something to take control.  I'm sure for my kids this is out of the norm but it will soon become the norm.  I need to sit down and think of the rules I want in my house and a way I can deal with them. 

Speaking of which.. must go deal with them now!

 

I'm a bit annoyed

Ok I don't know if this is the proper forum, but I need to get something off my chest.  I am a bit annoyed with how involved everyone seems to be in my life at the moment.  For some reason, everyone feels like they have a say in what I do.  I currently have tester paint on my walls as I'm trying to decide what colours to paint... everyone that walks in sees it as an opening to discuss their opinion.  Which is fine, ok offer advice and tell me what you like... but don't tell me what I 'have' to do... I don't care if houses sell better when they are in neutral colours - we're not planning on selling!  I even had one friend come in and say 'well I'm the wrong person to ask because I like grey'.  Oh right - did I ask you??

And it's not just the paint.  My working friends tell me how I must work because they know me and that would be the best thing for me.  My friends who work part time tell me that part time is the best because it's the best of both worlds.  My stay at home mum friends tell me that I need time for myself and that working will just make me have 2 full time jobs (work and taking care of the house/ kids).

I'm also told how I have to garden, how I have to relax.... and everyone is coming at me like they are the experts on everything. 

I have opinions too.  No one seems to want to know how I feel about things, about what I want to do.  When I start to say what I want, I'm told 'No, mate, you don't want that, you gotta do this...'

And frankly, it's making me really, really angry!  I've been angry all week.  I feel like just closing the outside world out and curling up and not talking to anyone but my husband and kids.  I have no idea why this is going on.  Is this all part of the not drinking thing?  Is it because I'm not stuffing down my feelings?  Or is it just part of coming off an addiction... or what??  All I know is that I am massively annoyed at people and it is exhausting.  I've been sooooo tired all week.  No idea what's going on. 

I have hesitated to blog about this because I think focussing on something is just attracting more of it in to my life... but then I can't stop thinking about it so I'm focussing all my energy on it anyway.  I wonder if I can just put it out there to get it off my chest and then maybe it will be lifted from me.  I just can't even seem to relax this week.  Not sure what it's all about.. if it's normal or what.  But I'm not loving it!  I don't like having anger.  I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud of angriness - like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of my ears.  I want this gone!!

About Me

I realise that I haven't really talked much about who I am and I figure it's time.  Rosie is not my real name, and neither are the names of my kids etc.  I feel some need to remain annonymous because it allows me an honesty I wouldn't otherwise have.  So here goes - a bit about me....

I'm 39 years old, originally from Canada but currently living in New Zealand with my husband and two boys. I lived in Scotland for 4 years and that's where I met my man... we got engaged and decided to head for NZ but stopped in Australia on our way and lived there for 2 years. During that time we got married, had our first son (J-bird) and got pregnant with our second (Nicky) and decided it was time to settle down. We moved to NZ when I was very pregnant, sold the house my husband already owned here, bought a new one and have stayed put since!


Pretty much since I fell pregnant with J-bird I suffered from Postnatal Depression (as it is called here in NZ, but it's called Postpartum Depression in Canada... I'll refer to it as PND/ PPD). Moving countries, knowing noone, having no support network and being undiagnosed for ages caused us years of grief. And a lot of drinking on my part. I didn't drink during either of my pregnancies, but spent a lot of time 'self medicating' on alcohol outside of my pregnancies. But my alcohol abuse goes back further than that - I have used alcohol to deal with the pressures of life, to celebrate happy events, to drown my sorrows pretty much since I was a teanager. I think not being able to drink during my pregnancies caused me a lot of grief because I really felt like I was going without - being deprived of my constant companion.

Now I'm doing much better. After being on anti-depressants for a year, I am finally off them and able to take better care of myself. I am trying to get healthy and fit - both physically and mentally. I have cut down on my drinking, not quitting quite yet. I leave it to the weekends and for the most part I am ok with my still drinking. I don't miss it during the week and never think of having it on weekdays anymore. For this reason, I am in a much better place all around.

Because my alcohol is 'under control' I realise I have many other issues that haven't been addressed. I will talk a lot about my alcohol on this blog, but also I am starting to talk more about some of the other issues I face. I am working through things to live a better life. I think we all have things we'd like to change. Alcohol is just one of them for me. I know most people have been reading this because of my many posts about alcohol and me - but I hope you will continue to join me on my journey as I branch out and discuss other things, working through them to live the best life I possibly can.

Thanks forn reading :)

Stress, stress and more stress

This morning I woke up a bit tired and groggy but otherwise ok (no hangover!!).  But by the time I had made the kids their milo and made my eldest son's breakfast, I realised I was really stressed.  This used to happen to me a lot when I had postnatal depression and I learned not to do too much in the morings because that was a major cause of the stress.  But today I didn't really have much to be stressed about... not really sure what was going on.

I dropped both my kids off - one at kindy, the other to daycare.  I think I mentioned I've got my little one in daycare to ease him in to the transition when I start working....  But anyway, I was on my way back home thinking thinking thinking about what is going on with me.  I'm stressed about working, I don't want to work, I do want to work.  Everyone has their opinion on whether or not I should work.  I need to talk about it but everyone has their own agenda.  I decide I'm going to call the counsellor I used to go to last year and talk to her.  She's a half hour drive away but it would be worth it...

BUT ... then I decided to hop on my crosstrainer.  I decided I would 'do nothing' to solve my problem.  I'm the type of person who's focused on finding a solution now.  But this time I decided not to.  Twenty minutes of cardio later and I figured something out.  If I had gone to my counsellor, it would take over 2 hours out of my 'day off'.  By day off I mean the kids are not here.  And I realised maybe that's why I'm stressing and wanting to go talk to someone.  I'm scared... either to have time to myself, to take time for myself or ... even bigger... to work on my business.  I could spend that 2 hours sewing and creating.  But I was going to chose not too. 
I've now changed my mind and am going to stay home to sew and generally do what I want (and not the things that need to be done like cleaning the fridge or mowing the lawn).  But I've also realised over this past week that I need to find a way to handle my stress.  I always used to stuff down the stress and 'reward' myself with a drink.  I mean my parents ALWAYS had a drink after the end of the workday to 'wind down'' so it's what's been modelled to me.  But I need to find another way.  Now, after 20 years of doing it this way (ok in my 20's I didn't drink every day but I got bombed on the weekends so that was my reward - and I could hold off during the week knowing I was going out on the weekends) I am open to learning new ways to handle stress.  I have been doing a lot of deep breathing, talking quietly to my kids... thinking about taking a meditation course in stress....

Overall I'm feeling much better now and am happy I didn't race off to the next thing that would 'make me feel better'.  I realise today that sometimes it isn't about doing something - it's nothing at all.

I have SO much to write about... really want to be blogging more!  Where to find time...

Feelin Pain

So last night I was talking to my husband about something I felt bad about doing and he agreed (in a very nice way!) that ya it wasn't the best.  At first I was upset at him because I had wanted him to make me feel better.  But then I was glad that he spoke his mind.  He often doesn't... and then he comes down hard on me when I get upset about something - which I've only just recently learned.  Oops... going off track!

This was one of the first times I didn't even THINK of reaching for a glass/ bottle of wine to 'deal' with the pain.  I decided to just sit with it (the pain that is, not the wine haha!).  I knew that it would hurt, I knew I'd feel bad, but I also knew it wouldn't kill me.  I felt the prickly feeling in my nose that I get just before tears come.  And I just sat.  And without even thinking about it, I just knew I would change my behaviour for the better.  It was about my kids and just having more patience.  I was so upset with myself for not being so patient and sometimes losing my cool.  But it was a good wake up call for me.  To feel that way and to know I was going to change it.  Not so long ago - like really not long, a couple of weeks ago - I would've just drank away the pain and not learned anything from it.

Sure it hurt, it felt horrible, but it's not the end of the world.  Today I would up feeling good, and I still feel good. 

Just a short post but man that is a massive thing for me.  To just feel pain and not do anything about it.  Especially not drink.  Wow.

Oh - btw - haven't blogged for a while because I had a job interview this week and it totally threw me off.. had two days to prepare for the interview and get clothes (nothing fits!) and all the stress.... which is why I've been less patient than usual but still not an excuse.  Hectic week - glad it's friday!!!

It's not only about the alcohol - 30 days of positive change

Of course there are many factors in my life and right now - and especially here - I am focussing on my drinking.  I know this is the biggest factor in my life right now but I also hope to write a bit more about other aspects of my life.  I think I have a pretty good life over all and I like who I am... I have lots of different interests and thoughts on different things.  I do hope to spend some time talking about those.  A part of me feels that if I always talk about the alcohol, I'll always focus on the alcohol.  I didn't want it to be a central part of my life when I was drinking, and I certainly don't want it to be the focal point when I'm not!!

So today I'm talking about something else.  I've been feeling like crap lately.  I know the drinking has been a huge part of that but also a huge part of me not taking care of myself.  I am tired of feeling so horrible/ lethargic/ bloated/ overweight etc etc etc.  No this is not a public flogging, this is just saying where I'm at.  I am now almost back to the weight I was when my second son was born (boo hoo!).

BUT I'm making a change.  My usual method is to say 'Ok no more drinking AND I'm going to cut out sugar, junk food, fizzies, full-fat dairy etc AND I'm going to only eat natural, whole foods'.  Which lasts about a day and then I go insane and I"m guzzling wine all night, have a big binge of food to soak up all that booze and then I'm at Burger King the next day getting a greasy/ sugar fix to make me feel better.

So I'm not going to do that.  But I do want to feel better.  I'm very aware that taking on too much right now is not good for me in my plight against alcohol.  I am also very aware that I have never been this healthy in my life.

I've decided that instead of elimintaing things and making myself feel deprived, I am going to add healthy things to my diet instead.  Thus I've started 30 Days of Positive Change.  I'm on day four and here's how it's looking:

Day 1:  Swap white bread for whole grain bread
Day 2:  Chose low-fat dairy
Day 3:  Drink 4 large glasses of water (measured mine and it works out to 1.2 litres)
Day 4:  Take a multi-vitamin


These things are cumulative - so once I've added it to the list, no going back.  The idea is that it takes 21 days to form a habit so hopefully by the end of these 30 days I'll be well on my way to having made at least some of these things a regular habit that I no longer think about.  I'm going to put this list as a page here to keep me honest (last night I almost caved and almost had white bread with dinner but this will help keep me straight!). 

After the 30 days I will then plan to start cutting out the 'bad' stuff.  But right now, I want to focus on treating myself well and giving myself more - so this mindset is going to help that - and help me not feel deprived.

It's working.  Today I feel really good about myself.  It's my 4th day of not drinking and I am over the withdrawl symptoms I had.. and I'm feeling really good mentally and better a bit physically.  And I'm a bit proud of myself :)

And drink I did

Yep.  I had decided that I was going to drink on Tuesday and I definitely did.  Even though I actually didn't want to.  Even though I had to actually talk myself in to it.  Who knows why I did that.. but I drank.

And it was messy.  I've always been pretty good for the most part when I drink but not lately.  Lately I have to drink more than a bottle of wine and I get messy.  I start talking trash.. saying dumb things.  I don't really want to get it in to but man, that is not the life I want.

I have drawn yet another line in the sand.  I didn't drink last night (yey!) and I'm not drinking tonight.  I've made an appointment with an alcohol counsellor.

The thing is - I know none of this is going to magically make me want to stop drinking.  The want thing needs to not matter.  The fact is that I HAVE to stop drinking the way that I do.  I either have to learn how to moderate, or quit completely. 

So now I figure out HOW to do that.  I was thinking today about how I always seem to (lately) 'treat' myself with food or booze.  The food is always food that is bad for me... makes me wonder how I ever developed the idea of treating myself by damaging myself.  I see it everywhere though - oh I've been good all week, I'll treat myself with a piece of cake.  What???  There are many things that we can treat ourselves with that do not have to be ingested!  What about a nice bath, a massage?  A facial.  All these things that I always think I don't have enough money for... but I always have $8 lying around for a bottle of wine.  A bottle of wine a week is $56 a week.  And let's be honest, on the weekends it's more like 2 bottles of wine a night because it's party time! 

It's time for me to start thinking about what I gain from being sober and present in the moment.  Small things like having a hearty laugh the other night with my husband over something silly.  Big things like starting my own business.  Medium things like just going through the day not being irritable and impatient because I'm hung over/ want a drink. 

There are so many things I want to do - I love to sew, to read, to go out for coffee in the evenings.  Last time I quit I thought I'd automatically be able to do all these things right away but I was still so tired so I started thinking 'I may as well drink, I can't do anything else'.  And of course there were so many people that helped me convince myself that it's all ok, I'm too hard on myself.  I am a mum of 2 young kids and I need my time to relax.

Why can't I relax with a run?  A walk?  A book?  Really, drinking doesn't make me relax does it?  I am constantly worried - is my glass full enough or will I have to get back up?  Don't spill my wine!  What time is it?  Is it too soon to start?  Do I have enough for tonight?  Ya that sounds really relaxing doesn't it?  And the reality is that once I start, I'm in my own world.  Literally.  I mean it's a drug - it alters our perception.  It distorts reality.  It slows down the though process... how can I be in any other world but my own once I start.

Yes, knowing all this and breaking the habit/ addiction are two different things.  I need to write more.  As muddled and all over the place this post is, it's about me working through what I'm doing.  And right now I am all over the place because even as I post this I'm secretly thinking... can I have a drink on Friday?  Just once a week?  I KNOW the answer is no.  I'm working on how to make that my reality.

Here I go again...

So I haven't been writing because (you've guessed it) I've been drinking.  Excessively.  Over a bottle of wine a night.  I feel like I'm back at square one again.  Though I know I am not because the first time I quit I thought my life would immediately get better and all my problems would go away because drinking was my only problem. 

But now I know better.  I know that I'll still be tired, I'll still have stress, my excess weight won't automatically start falling off... but I know I will NOT be hungover, as cranky, tired and miserable.  I won't have to deal with every day feeling like crap.  And I won't be beating myself up in the middle of the night when I wake, causing me to be unable to fall back asleep... then be sooo tired in the morning from the combined lack of sleep and alcohol.

So here I am at day 2.  I feel pretty good today and even better, I feel better about myself.  But it's 11:18 and I'm already deciding that I want to have a drink tonight.  This is not right.  This constant battle is insane.

I'm reading Allen Carr's Easy way book...  I swear I used to smoke and thought I could not face life without the ciggies - thought I wouldn't be able to deal with the stress without my smokes, wouldn't have fun without them... and get this - I didn't see the point of drinking because what's drinking without the smoking??  But then I read his Easy Way to Stop Smoking and it CHANGED my life.  It changed the way I thought about ciggarettes.  I did not pick up another smoke after that - sober.  Drinking, ya I occaisionally have one after all my defences are down and someone around me is smoking. 

So I'm reading his book on stopping/ cutting down drinking.  One of the 7 rules is to not quit or cut down while reading the book.  'Great' I thought!  I can continue reading the book and still drink excuse/ guilt free!  Only one problem, when I'm drinking from 5 pm on and hung over most of the day, I can't really read the book can I?  And one of the other 7 rules is to not read while drinking. 

So yesterday I read heaps of the book and it makes total sense.  Now today, back to the grind of Monday... I can feel the 'Justification Rosie' coming out.  The one that says that Allen Carr must be on to something and knows there's a valid reason for continuing to drink while reading the book so go on - follow his method.  Have a drink.  Go on.

Hmm... still not sure what I"ll do.  I do know that Allen Carr is the way for me.  He nails the EXACT reasons that I have a problem with AA (sorry all AA goers out there - we all know it isn't for everyone and I have said before how I feel that it is fraught with Catch 22's).  Mr Carr also talks about how willpower is a farce.  I agree - I never thought of this before I read his smoking book but something just clicked with me. 

Another thing he talks about is how when he quit smoking and drinking he thought there would always be a void in his life - that he would go about always feeling like his life was lacking.  I feel the same way about my drinking.  I used to feel the same way about smoking but now I don't even remotly want/ think about/ crave/ desire a ciggarette when I'm stressed.  It worked once..

I'm really hoping that it works again and this time with the drinking - because let's face it - I'm looking for an EASY WAY!!! 

Domestics, Domestics

So the other day hubbie and I had an arguement.  It was Monday when I was having a rough day.  He was so insensitive which is fairly unusual but I think he's just fed up with me having a hard time because all I do is stay home and (as he put it) I can chose to do things or not do anything all day if I like.  He said a lot of really mean things to me - like I'm lazy and he wants to trade places but he said he thinks I'm scared that he'll do a better job than me.  Man he was so rotten to me, it was awful.  It all started because I made a comment about how I do all the housework.

But this is how it is and how it's been for the 8 years we've been together.  He kicks me when I'm down.  I have a hard day and he lays in to me.  I get upset about something he does and one hand he tells me I should be building him up and telling him what he does do that is good and on the other hand he says that he could list all the things wrong with me and he does.  EVERY time I have a problem, he comes at me with all the things wrong with me.

Is it any wonder I drink to keep my feelings in?  I'm not using him as an excuse because I drank before him.  But I definitely hold my tongue a long time (which is not my style!) because if I have a problem, the last thing I need is to be so fiercely attacked.  It sucks big time to put it midly.

So it ended with me having to get a job.  Yup.  Even though not even a week ago we put this idea to rest once and for all that I would be home with the kids til they are in school, I've now been told to get a job.

I've agreed because I'm sick of this arguement.  I think we should spend less, he thinks we should earn more.  He says sure we can scrimp and save but we both really like our lifestyle and neither of us really want to change it, but we can't get ahead this way.  I agree after looking at the numbers.  He also said - and he said he doesn't want to speak for me - but he thinks I would be happy being around other adults etc.  I can't say I disagree.  I often wonder that myself and feel like it might be time.  I'm VERY worried about having 2 full time jobs though - one in the office and one doing all the house stuff.  I know he won't do 50% of the housework (even though he thinks he does) because he never has in all the time we've been together.  But I can't keep having this arguement with him.  Every time I have a hard day with the kids, every time we talk about money - the answer is always the same, I need to work.  So there, I'll work. 

I just don't get why he has to kick me in the guts (figuratively) when I'm down.  He always does it and I hate it.  Last night I asked him a question about something that was bugging me and he told me I had a lot of courage coming out and just asking him.  He said he usually has to wait until a fight to say what bugs him.  But how horrible is that?  I'd rather he just tell me when something is bugging him rather than waiting until I have a problem and him attacking me.  Because then my problem never gets addressed.  And I feel like total crapola even 4 days later.  I'm still pretty sad.  I hate talking about him because I do think he's a pretty good guy, he can just be pretty awful at times.  Sigh.  Sadness.  I'm just swallowing it up with wine though.  And I bought crap tasting wine which sucks but oh well.  It will do the damage just the same.

Monday morning blues

I'm a bit down today and part of it is because it's Monday, hubbie went back to work, gone 10 hours a day and I'm at home with the kids all that time with nothing on, no plans.... but mostly I'm down because this morning I decided that I would not drink today.  I decided that I would not drink during the week so that I'm 100% and can do things in the evening etc etc... all the reasons why I always say I will quit drinking.

But now I'm down.  Like really down.  The thought of being here for another 7 hours until my husband comes home with nothing else to look forward to depresses me.  I like the thought of having a drink at the end of the day, to help me get through.

But let's be honest.  Being a SAHM is not what is causing me to drink.  When I used to work I also loved looking forward to having a drink at the end of the day to unwind.  For some reason, it's always been alcohol. 

I'm back in that battle - the I won't drink, maybe just one, maybe tomorrow I won't drink.. the 'no you can't'/ 'yes I can' battle with myself.  It's horrible.  I hate it.  I get so frustrated and annoyed.  And then I just give in and drink because I can't handle it anymore.

I know that when I stopped drinking completely for those two months I at least didn't have this internal war.  At least I had peace.  But I was also miserable about the thought of never drinking.  In an ideal world I'd just have a few drinks on a Friday and that's it.  In the real world, I try to have a drink and alternate with water and stop after a couple but once I start, I just want to get drunk.  What is it with that??  Last night I didn't want to open a second bottle of wine so I started in to bailey's.  On a Sunday night, after everyone else was in bed.

I'd say I'm ashamed, but more so I'm just pissed off that I can't seem to just break this habit/ cycle/ addiction (?).  It's such a waste of time and mindspace.  And the constant beating up on myself just makes me feel like crap.

I see three options here with problems associated with each.  One:  I give in to the drinking and stop fighting with myself over it.  Problem - I'll hate myself, I don't want to do this (obviously!).   Two:  I quit drinking altogether.  Problem - I am miserable with the thought of NEVER having another drink.  Three - Moderate my drinking.  Problem - I think this is great in theory but every time I have that first sip, I no longer want to moderate my drinking.  No matter what.  I just want to drink to get drunk.

I hate this.  I wish there was a magic wand that someone could wave to just take this problem away.  I don't understand why I have to go through this.  I am angry about the whole thing.

I heard this quote the other day:  “. . . hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else . . . . Wanting life to be different from what it is."  So I guess this means I'm in hell.