It sort of seems like nothing is going right in my life at the moment. I'm pretty down about it all. I've been drinking again and it would be easy to blame it all on the alcohol but it's not just the drinking. The drinking is a side effect of everything else going on. And I know it makes it worse and that if I quit, once I get through the inital rough bit (however many days, weeks, months, years that takes) it will get better - or so I'm told. But right now, I can't see life being any better without alcohol.
I'm being completely honest here - and I have been worried about writing because I don't want to look like a complete idiot to all of you who have been through this before and have come out the other side. I can almost hear shouts of 'how can you do this to yourself' or worse - how can I be so stupid? Why do I keep giving in.
Truth is, I'm lost right now. I have no idea what to do. There really isn't any part of me that wants to completely quit drinking. There is a part of me that is saying 'screw it' and just giving in. The biggest part of me wants to just control my drinking and that's what I've been working on doing - at least until this part of my life is over.
This part - this moving to a new place. This life it total upheaveal part. I mean I know there will always be ups and downs in life but right now I'm feeling really down. The idea of moving to a new place and starting all over again is not a great one. And at this moment in time, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my husband last night but he told me I wasn't being nice. So there - no friends that I can talk to about how down I feel (no one I feel I can really open up to), a husband that outright rejects me, a 2 year old who always wants to sit on me and be with me 24/7, I'm trying to get my business going but no one seems to want my stuff (more rejection - I've been to two craft markets and have only sold a couple of things - not even covering my costs), bills have piled up and we can't pay them... etc etc etc. I feel so down and I can't even turn to sewing because it messes up the house.
And we're going away this weekend to go look at houses and it will be left up to me to pack the car and clean the house because we will have an open home when we are gone.
I feel there is too much going on and on top of it, I have to take care of my 3 and 1 year old (of course) and my husband coaches rugby on the weekends so starting saturday morning he is totally occupied with that and then he's gone half the day. He's not an ass, he's a great guy, but he's miserable right now because of work so I do feel he needs his rugby. But then where does it leave me?
Alone. And lonely. With no one to talk to.
Oh dear, you sound miserable. Just keep on, keep on, keep on and surely things can only get better. Look into your kids eyes and just focus in on them .. that might help. And keep being honest, it's great that you're being honest about where you're at with the drinking etc... so many people live in denial about their drinking habits. That's the first step you have in being real about it. Where are you again I've forgotten? If it was in Auckland we could meet for a coffee! Send me an email if you want to talk privately, my email address is on my website. I'm in the same relocation hell as you. xxx
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