Yep. I had decided that I was going to drink on Tuesday and I definitely did. Even though I actually didn't want to. Even though I had to actually talk myself in to it. Who knows why I did that.. but I drank.
And it was messy. I've always been pretty good for the most part when I drink but not lately. Lately I have to drink more than a bottle of wine and I get messy. I start talking trash.. saying dumb things. I don't really want to get it in to but man, that is not the life I want.
I have drawn yet another line in the sand. I didn't drink last night (yey!) and I'm not drinking tonight. I've made an appointment with an alcohol counsellor.
The thing is - I know none of this is going to magically make me want to stop drinking. The want thing needs to not matter. The fact is that I HAVE to stop drinking the way that I do. I either have to learn how to moderate, or quit completely.
So now I figure out HOW to do that. I was thinking today about how I always seem to (lately) 'treat' myself with food or booze. The food is always food that is bad for me... makes me wonder how I ever developed the idea of treating myself by damaging myself. I see it everywhere though - oh I've been good all week, I'll treat myself with a piece of cake. What??? There are many things that we can treat ourselves with that do not have to be ingested! What about a nice bath, a massage? A facial. All these things that I always think I don't have enough money for... but I always have $8 lying around for a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine a week is $56 a week. And let's be honest, on the weekends it's more like 2 bottles of wine a night because it's party time!
It's time for me to start thinking about what I gain from being sober and present in the moment. Small things like having a hearty laugh the other night with my husband over something silly. Big things like starting my own business. Medium things like just going through the day not being irritable and impatient because I'm hung over/ want a drink.
There are so many things I want to do - I love to sew, to read, to go out for coffee in the evenings. Last time I quit I thought I'd automatically be able to do all these things right away but I was still so tired so I started thinking 'I may as well drink, I can't do anything else'. And of course there were so many people that helped me convince myself that it's all ok, I'm too hard on myself. I am a mum of 2 young kids and I need my time to relax.
Why can't I relax with a run? A walk? A book? Really, drinking doesn't make me relax does it? I am constantly worried - is my glass full enough or will I have to get back up? Don't spill my wine! What time is it? Is it too soon to start? Do I have enough for tonight? Ya that sounds really relaxing doesn't it? And the reality is that once I start, I'm in my own world. Literally. I mean it's a drug - it alters our perception. It distorts reality. It slows down the though process... how can I be in any other world but my own once I start.
Yes, knowing all this and breaking the habit/ addiction are two different things. I need to write more. As muddled and all over the place this post is, it's about me working through what I'm doing. And right now I am all over the place because even as I post this I'm secretly thinking... can I have a drink on Friday? Just once a week? I KNOW the answer is no. I'm working on how to make that my reality.
Hey there, all this thinking and writing is great stuff. You have all this emotion and thoughts whirling around in your head and I bet the biggest thought of all is HOW THE HELL DO I ACTUALLY LIVE WITHOUT ALCOHOL??!! WHO DOES THAT??? It seems so huge and crazy but I am telling you it is entirely possible and for us boozers it is such a much better, healthier, happier way to live. Yes sometimes I feel glum and left out, yes sometimes I feel boring, and yes sometimes I want to escape a low mood, or a boring Tuesday, or stress, or anger, with a wine (or 5) and I can't. But the alternative - to be that person that I didn't like or respect - is unfathomable to me now. One day it will hit you, 'I can actually do this right now and remove alcohol completely'. And then you'll be raising a glass of self respect regularly instead of that foul liquid. I am sending you big love and hugs and now I'm ranting but hang in there and be kind to yourself ok? Love xxxx
ReplyDeleteFunny Mrs D - I thought of you after I posted this and wondered 'how the heck did she do it.. and does she really enjoy life now??' I mean I know you have and I know you do but it's great to hear your feedback... that life gets better but no, it won't be perfect - but better than this. Thanks for your support, feedback and kind words!
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