Well I haven't written because - you guessed it - I've been drinking. We've had family visiting for the past week and a bit and of course I've used it as an excuse to break my 'no drinking during the week rule'. And it all came to the final epic drink I had at a wedding this past weekend. No, I didn't do anything stupid, I was fine. But I woke yesterday (Sunday) just feeling like total crap. I was physically ill for most of the early hours of the morning. Thankfully the kids stayed overnight at a friend's so I could recover. But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain. And not just the beating myself up.. but also the feeling of just being so down.
And I still feel that way today. I know a couple of weeks ago I wrote that I thought drinking on the weekend was part of the reason for my monday morning blues... but wondered if it was also because I was on my own on Mondays.. but I don't feel that way when I'm on my own on Wednesdays. But also - today I still have company here and I still feel so lonely and down and have a hollow, empty feeling in my chest. I often felt this way throughout my drinking 'career' .... just so yuck the next day. Course this lessened during those times that I decided not to stop drinking just because it was a weekday.
The more I carry on with this drinking, the more clear it becomes to me. I can't just keep drinking on the weekends. For one, it just keeps the door open to having 'just one' drink during the week (which inevitably will become more) and also because feeling this way is just so horrible.
But then why do I still feel like on Friday night I'll want to have a drink? What is it that I am getting out of it? Or is it just a habit? Very down. Just want this to stop :(
I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. I really do. How does it feel if you think about just taking the alcohol away altogether and living without it? Scary or possible? It is possible you know. xxxx
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty I think that is the only way - that I take the alcohol out all together. But for some reason I'm just not willing to do it just yet and I'm not really sure why. Do you still feel like this now that you don't have alcohol in your life?
DeleteI feel great without alcohol in my life. No more feeling shitty or guilty or just not feeling very together. I did get sad pangs in the first few months, it was hard at first, but the grieving and feeling like I'm the only boring non-drinker in the world is definitely fading. I honestly don't really care any more that the booze has gone, I am much happier and more proud of myself. You can be too! But try not to stress it too much .. you'll figure out what's best eventually. Get lots of books out and do lots of reading, that's what I did. And keep blogging, I am rooting for you xxxx
DeleteI haven't read much of your blog darling, but I feel for you and understand also. Everyone has their time, when that bridge appears before us. Its clear to me, and probably other alcoholics that your drinking and reasoning with drinking is a definite indicator of addiction. Not sure if you have had the awakening to that yet. I didn't until I tried to stop completely to be honest. My urge, need and mental state made my addiction to booze irrevocably apparent. The cycle is not an easy one, once your brain is clicked into the addiction my friend and the hardest thing I am having to chew on recently is the fact it wont ever change. I will always be someone who can not drink, ever. Short stick, maybe...but what if its not? What if we get more from the challenge and the clarity that never having to alter our mind gives us? Anyway, thanks for being honest - there's always hope when you have your integrity intact, however deep.
ReplyDeleteHey, it's Monday. I'm thinking of you xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI've been drinking too.
ReplyDeleteI'm popping over to your blog for a visit.
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