An Update on my Drinking

Ok so I've said that I have still been drinking but keeping it to the weekends only and I've also said that I'm ok with this.  I'm starting to think I'm not actually ok with this.

I woke up today feeling down.  I know it's the day my kids go to care/ kindy so I have the day to myself.  Not sure why I feel down - I start thinking maybe it's because I'm working on my business today and I'm scared that it won't be successful or that I'm selfish for spending the day doing that or that maybe it's because I don't want to be stuck in a room all alone sewing all day.  Not really sure why I feel this way, I carry on with my morning (because I have to!  I have two young kids haha).

So I am driving back home after dropping them off feeling really low.  I've seen a friend this morning and she's so thin and trim and I'm reminded of how much weight I've put on while overseas... but it motivates me to hop on the crosstrainer.  I picked up my book 'The Easyway to Control Your Drinking' by Allen Carr (yes, still haven't finished it - man it's taking me a long time but you know why - because I fear once I finish it I will indeed have to quit).  As I pick up the book, it dawns on me that it's entirely possible that I am feeling low because I drank all weekend.  And I don't really mean feeling low because I am disappointed in myself (because that is true too).  I mean just feeling low because of the physical effects of the alcohol.  It is a depressant.  So is it possible that I am feeling down because I've been taking a depressant all weekend?   I'm seriously asking you this - yes you - anyone reading this - please share your thoughts!  I'm feeling all alone out here.....

And yes, I do feel ... something... that I've been drinking.  I know I've been saying I'm all good with it, but that is probably just wishful thinking.  I ended up drinking a bottle and a half of wine on Friday night where I had been sticking to just one bottle (haha - even reading that is insane!  'just' one bottle.  Ya that's a lot of alcohol people!).  Then the other half on Saturday night with a few beers til we ran out.  Then a glass of wine yesterday at a function I was at.

I mean clearly the increase in the amount I'm drinking is evidence that I am never going to be free of this by trying to control it.  The amount will always increase.  I felt sooooo sick on Saturday because I'm not used to drinking that much - but still drank Saturday night.  So clearly my problem hasn't changed, it's just been contained to two nights (and perhaps part of Sunday).

But I still maintain that I do not want to be sitting around a table in 20 years, 3 nights a week, talking about how I'm one drink away from annihilation.  That's  the thing Mr. Carr speaks about.. and I believe he is right.  It's not the quitting that is the hard part, it's the fear of feeling deprived for the rest of our lives.  If I have to chose between drinking and feeling awful about it or being sober and feeling awful about it... well I know who's going to win out in that war.  I KNOW there is a way to quit and not feel like I've quit.  I feel like I'm on the cusp of it. 

But I need to be truthful again.  I've been trying to focus on other things - healthy lifestyle (I need to update my 30 days because I have been doing it!!), working on my business etc etc.. but I'm trying to by-pass the alcohol thing.  I think today I realise that is not going to happen.  I'm feeling guilty, low, sad and alone.  Boo hoo!!  Time to move on to something else before I cry in my coffee :)