I made it through a Saturday night and a Sunday sober. It was really good because I had a craft fair yesterday and it was fantastic spending the day there and not being hung over... It was also great to wake up sober and not feel like crap all day.
I'm writing because last time I 'quit drinking' (I am using quotes because I only paused my drinking... stopped for 2 months then started again) I didn't really write about the good things. I know when I quit I expected life to instantly be better, that I wouldn't be tired anymore, I'd have heaps of time for my business, time to read, run, do all these things and lose weight... but in actual fact, none of these things happened. I was still exhausted most of the time, I turned to food instead of alcohol to 'treat' myself...
This time things are different. I realise that I am in recovery. I realise now that the exhaustion probably has a lot to do with that recovery. I also feel that this time around I am going to take it easy on myself. My main goal right now is to live a sober life. Sure I want to lose weight.. but not at the expense of returning to drinking. I think I really need to prioritise here and not drinking has to be at the top of my list. If I also work on my business, great - but that's just a bonus.
I also know that I have to listen to my body. I need to sleep when I'm tired, even if I really want to do something else ... or rest when the kids are here and play games laying on the floor if I have to! I also know I need to eat when I'm hungry ... my usual M.O. is to starve myself so that I lose weight, but in the end I'd always end up drinking when I was super hungry - or making really bad food decisions. I am going to make healthier food choices because this is all about a time where I need to treat myself well.
Easier said than done I know... even now as I sit here with both kids off to kindy/ day care, I feel like I should be doing something when all I really want to do is go and lay on the couch. This is something I need to actively work on, and give myself a break for. I am going through recovery and I need to take care of myself.
I no longer expect miracles. I no longer expect life to be perfect. I no longer expect to be angry about every little thing and allowed to act on it simply because I have given up alcohol - my outlet, my coping mechanism.
But I do want to write about the small things that make a difference so that when I feel like drinking, I can look back and see that life really is better without alcohol. I didn't do that last time... I didn't look at how all the little things added up so that when I wanted to drink I thought 'why not, nothing's really changed'. I don't want to do that this time because I know that all the little things add up to a better life. A bigger life.
Today is Monday and I feel ok. In fact this morning I actually felt joy - real happiness... which is something I haven't felt in ages. It wasn't huge and didn't last for a long time, but it happened because I remember thinking 'man I feel good!'. It's Monday and I feel ok, not great, still a bit weird at being home by myself. I didn't get much sleep last night due to a waking baby, but I'm sober, I'm not hung over and I'm not beating myself up. I realise it's ok to be tired. Life goes on. I am feeling ok today and that is a big little thing.
Awesome to read this! And great to hear you're thinking of this as a long term habit change, so the choices have to be sustainable. No quick results but slow ones that are easier to maintain. The weight didn't come off me at first and I was really bummed but then slowly but surely it did and with it came a shift in my body shape. Stock up on good rubber gloves and cleaning products so that when you hit a rough day - at around 4-5pm - put those gloves on and clean clean clean your way through the urge to drink!! I did that a couple of times and by the time it was 7pm the house was clean and the urge had gone and I fell into bed tired and woke up hangover free and so so happy. xxxx oh and ps I have laid on the couch for hours watching reality tv when really i 'should' have been doing something else!! You've got to look after YOU! xxx
ReplyDeleteIs so beautiful to see you putting the simplicity of sobriety above other things - and having a little sleep when you are tired, instead of pushing on.
ReplyDeleteLife goes on, indeed, Rosie! And yes, you need to prioritize. Make a list of things that you desire to accomplish, and list the steps on how you think you'll achieve these. If you want to be better, you must convince yourself that you are worth the change. And let me tell you, YOU ARE WORTH IT. Sure, you may ask for professional help, but at the end of the day, it would still be you who will have control over yourself. So, stay strong and believe in yourself. Love yourself. =)
ReplyDeleteDinah Gerdts