The difference with this time

Last year I gave up alcohol for 2 months from October to December.  This time around things are different.  I keep thinking about what I thought then and what I feel now and want to get it out.

Last time I thought I'd give up alcohol and automatically everything will be better.  I would feel better, feel rested, lose weight, be happy.  When I woke up feeling like crap I would think to myself 'well I feel like crap anyway, I may as well drink if I'm going to feel like this!'   This time I realise that I'm actually going through withdrawl.  I feel like crap because my body is working extra hard to get rid of its dependancy on alcohol.  I feel like crap because my body is recovering from being used to having alcohol in my body on a daily basis and it is fighting this need along with trying to repair itself.

Last time I thought I'd lose weight right away.  This time I'm not worrying about that right now.  I am treating myself to other things, eating what I want and what my body wants and then once I'm through this initial withdrawl and I start to feel better I will work on my weight.

Last time I thought that I would have all this free time in the evenings because I'm not drinking.  This time I realise that I am just really tired as I work through the withdrawls both physically and mentally and I just go to bed when I am tired.

Last time I looked at the big picture - wanted all these changes N-O-W and expected them asap.  I overlooked all the little things that were happening.  This time I am paying attention to those little things. Things like I just look at my kids and see how cute they are and how nice they are and how much I was missing.  I think about how I'm not stressed out first thing in the morning trying to get breakfast ready and fighting the blurry hangover state I was in.  This time I notice that I have a few spare minutes during the day to sit at my sewing machine and do a few stitches.  This time I enjoy being able to look my husband in the eye (not avoid eye contact because I'm too embarrased and ashamed) and have a silly laugh about something totally dumb that we find funny.  This time I am giving myself a break for being grumpy and I don't expect myself to be all happy and roses... I realise this is a tough time and it's ok to be miserable sometimes.  I don't have to be happy and perfect just cuz I'm not drinking.

It's still a struggle.  Especially when 3 pm hits and that's the time I usually start drinking.  Today will be a test because my husband won't be home til 5:30.  I might have to go pick him up from work to keep the gremlins away.  So it's not super easy and there are still times when I want to drink.  And I don't ever think about how I'm 'never going to drink again'.  But this time I realise there is a lot more going on inside of me and I have to have patience.  I just keep thinking that I'm not losing weight right now just because I've stopped drinking and my business isn't an overnight success and my husband and I aren't holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes all madly in love.. none of this has automatically happened... but I keep thinking that there is no way that any of that would happen while I was drinking the way I was.  At least now I have a chance for all of this to happen in the future.  And I have faith that it will.