Ok so I've said that I have still been drinking but keeping it to the weekends only and I've also said that I'm ok with this. I'm starting to think I'm not actually ok with this.
I woke up today feeling down. I know it's the day my kids go to care/ kindy so I have the day to myself. Not sure why I feel down - I start thinking maybe it's because I'm working on my business today and I'm scared that it won't be successful or that I'm selfish for spending the day doing that or that maybe it's because I don't want to be stuck in a room all alone sewing all day. Not really sure why I feel this way, I carry on with my morning (because I have to! I have two young kids haha).
So I am driving back home after dropping them off feeling really low. I've seen a friend this morning and she's so thin and trim and I'm reminded of how much weight I've put on while overseas... but it motivates me to hop on the crosstrainer. I picked up my book 'The Easyway to Control Your Drinking' by Allen Carr (yes, still haven't finished it - man it's taking me a long time but you know why - because I fear once I finish it I will indeed have to quit). As I pick up the book, it dawns on me that it's entirely possible that I am feeling low because I drank all weekend. And I don't really mean feeling low because I am disappointed in myself (because that is true too). I mean just feeling low because of the physical effects of the alcohol. It is a depressant. So is it possible that I am feeling down because I've been taking a depressant all weekend? I'm seriously asking you this - yes you - anyone reading this - please share your thoughts! I'm feeling all alone out here.....
And yes, I do feel ... something... that I've been drinking. I know I've been saying I'm all good with it, but that is probably just wishful thinking. I ended up drinking a bottle and a half of wine on Friday night where I had been sticking to just one bottle (haha - even reading that is insane! 'just' one bottle. Ya that's a lot of alcohol people!). Then the other half on Saturday night with a few beers til we ran out. Then a glass of wine yesterday at a function I was at.
I mean clearly the increase in the amount I'm drinking is evidence that I am never going to be free of this by trying to control it. The amount will always increase. I felt sooooo sick on Saturday because I'm not used to drinking that much - but still drank Saturday night. So clearly my problem hasn't changed, it's just been contained to two nights (and perhaps part of Sunday).
But I still maintain that I do not want to be sitting around a table in 20 years, 3 nights a week, talking about how I'm one drink away from annihilation. That's the thing Mr. Carr speaks about.. and I believe he is right. It's not the quitting that is the hard part, it's the fear of feeling deprived for the rest of our lives. If I have to chose between drinking and feeling awful about it or being sober and feeling awful about it... well I know who's going to win out in that war. I KNOW there is a way to quit and not feel like I've quit. I feel like I'm on the cusp of it.
But I need to be truthful again. I've been trying to focus on other things - healthy lifestyle (I need to update my 30 days because I have been doing it!!), working on my business etc etc.. but I'm trying to by-pass the alcohol thing. I think today I realise that is not going to happen. I'm feeling guilty, low, sad and alone. Boo hoo!! Time to move on to something else before I cry in my coffee :)
The thing I can't understand is that some people drink like you are, and like I did, and never beat themselves up about it or seem to worry or give a shit that they might be over doing it or 'depressing' themselves all weekend. Yet we have this inner voice which drowns out all others going 'this is dysfunctional! this is dysfunctional!'. I had to take the drink away to silence that voice and have been discovering lots about myself since (I respect myself so much more now I'm sober). Also it sounds like we're similar in that it's the quiet alone times we find the most difficult. Is it that this Monday that you are all alone and that's why you're feeling low? Gotta work out what's inside of Rosie that needs nurturing to make her feel contented and happy. Seems to me that you're on the right track. Lots of love from me xxx
ReplyDeleteYou're so right Mrs D - when I first read your comment I thought is there something wrong with us for thinking it's dysfunctional (or rather knowing it is) or them for not questioning it... then I thought.. that's not what it's about.. it's not about who's right or who's wrong because we are all on our own journeys.. and right now mine is saying ya it's totally not right to drink this way - that it is destroying me... or at least a piece of me every time I do. And taking me away from other things that I could be doing. I do think being alone is a bit part of why I'm feeling low. Funny, all I ever dream about is having some time to myself but then when I do, I'm feeling this way. I do need to figure out what I need... but I have no idea how to do that. I really, really don't! Thanks for your post, I feel not so alone now :)
ReplyDeleteI too am questioning my drinking. Drinking to drown out my situation. I think of things to do that I use to love but somehow never get to do them. Kids out of the house and wondering what it was that I use to love to do. Had years of having parties and not drinking too much but now its a little out of control. I think I can just have one drink but then it turns into a bottle of wine. Its hard to think that I would have to stop forever. What about those times at parties, get together s, and weddings. What would I be without a few drinks. Its hard to stop.
ReplyDeleteThe thing with me stopping drinking, and getting over the idea of missing out is all about suffering. The idea that not drinking will be a kind of suffering for you, as if you will really really miss drinking so much you will be suffering without it.
ReplyDeleteYou choose suffering. So don't see drinking as something on a pedestal - it's dehydrating, depressing, angers the blood etc it is not that good at all! Reject suffering and you free yourself from it.
Ya that's exactly what I mean about feeling like I quit but not feeling like I've quit anything - instead feeling all of the benefits that I will get from it. That's what I was saying Allen Carr talks about - he demystifies all of the so called benefits from drinking alcohol and picks them apart one by one. The only one he doesn't really address is the reason why I drink - to forget everything. Though I suppose the next day, I remember everything PLUS feel awful about drinking. This is also why AA isn't for me... I'm not going to be sitting around in 20 years talking about how I was when I drank and how I'm one drink away from that life again... instead I am going to put the drinking behind me then it will just be a thing of the past for me, not something I commiserate about daily.
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