I really don't know how to stop this. It's 9:15 in the morning and I feel like crap and all I want to do is eat junk food and yet I'm still contemplating getting a bottle of wine for tonight just in case I want to have a drink. Which of course means I will.
How did I get like this? Or have I always been like this but now the blinders are off and I can see what I'm doing. I know it's the latter... I used to drink like this - or more - but I lived on my own and I guess I was hugely in denial. Like I knew it was bad to drink every day but oh well, it wasn't that big of a deal to me then.
But now it is. And I have no idea how to stop. I have no idea how to go just one day without a drink. I've gotten back in to the pattern of drinking every day. I guess I am really an addict. Like sometimes I think what's wrong with me? But then I think alcohol is a drug - a socially acceptable one though. Like no one would believe it if a heroin addict said 'ahhhh, I'll just shoot up on the weekend, that way I can control it'. Like what?? Of course that's not controlling it - that's just limiting the destruction a bit. And opening the door to doing it once during the week, then twice, then every day. And yet I think it's hilarious to speak this way about heroin (ok I don't do any drug other than alcohol so I'm not speaking from experience here but just how it would sound to me if someone told me they were only going to do a bit of a drug) but for some reason, it doesn't seem as absurd when I say 'oh I'll just drink on the weekends'. Probably because that's what so many people do.
So it's obvious to me what I have to do. But fuck I don't want to live life without alcohol. Dumb dumb dumb!!!
You got like this because alcohol is addictive and once it's got it's clutches in and it's bloody hard to get rid of. You don't want to live life without alcohol because it's really scary to imagine doing that when alcohol is your companion and a firm habit and you rely on it to help you deal with emotions. You're probably brimming full of emotions right now with this relocation so of course you turn to wine more because wine is your method of coping. I know it so well !!! I was exactly the same! Wine is your friend and confidant and soother and smoother and party pal. Except that it isn't. It isn't those things at all. Now would be a hard time to try and stop I imagine what with all the upheaval but just keep being really honest with yourself, it's so great that you are. One day you will have just had enough, I believe you're building up to that point. Maybe this year, maybe next. But one day you will have had enough and when you stop.. .believe me... it's amazing when you realize how a life without alcohol is totally possible, totally fine, and totally great. Hang in there and take care of yourself xxxx
ReplyDeleteI have bought alcohol just in case for years - kept it in the car just in case, drunk it driving home straight from the bottle just in case.
ReplyDeleteThere is an answer - sometimes it is going for a walk, or sleeping or running or anything that keeps you away from it for that one lonely hour.