Domestics, Domestics

So the other day hubbie and I had an arguement.  It was Monday when I was having a rough day.  He was so insensitive which is fairly unusual but I think he's just fed up with me having a hard time because all I do is stay home and (as he put it) I can chose to do things or not do anything all day if I like.  He said a lot of really mean things to me - like I'm lazy and he wants to trade places but he said he thinks I'm scared that he'll do a better job than me.  Man he was so rotten to me, it was awful.  It all started because I made a comment about how I do all the housework.

But this is how it is and how it's been for the 8 years we've been together.  He kicks me when I'm down.  I have a hard day and he lays in to me.  I get upset about something he does and one hand he tells me I should be building him up and telling him what he does do that is good and on the other hand he says that he could list all the things wrong with me and he does.  EVERY time I have a problem, he comes at me with all the things wrong with me.

Is it any wonder I drink to keep my feelings in?  I'm not using him as an excuse because I drank before him.  But I definitely hold my tongue a long time (which is not my style!) because if I have a problem, the last thing I need is to be so fiercely attacked.  It sucks big time to put it midly.

So it ended with me having to get a job.  Yup.  Even though not even a week ago we put this idea to rest once and for all that I would be home with the kids til they are in school, I've now been told to get a job.

I've agreed because I'm sick of this arguement.  I think we should spend less, he thinks we should earn more.  He says sure we can scrimp and save but we both really like our lifestyle and neither of us really want to change it, but we can't get ahead this way.  I agree after looking at the numbers.  He also said - and he said he doesn't want to speak for me - but he thinks I would be happy being around other adults etc.  I can't say I disagree.  I often wonder that myself and feel like it might be time.  I'm VERY worried about having 2 full time jobs though - one in the office and one doing all the house stuff.  I know he won't do 50% of the housework (even though he thinks he does) because he never has in all the time we've been together.  But I can't keep having this arguement with him.  Every time I have a hard day with the kids, every time we talk about money - the answer is always the same, I need to work.  So there, I'll work. 

I just don't get why he has to kick me in the guts (figuratively) when I'm down.  He always does it and I hate it.  Last night I asked him a question about something that was bugging me and he told me I had a lot of courage coming out and just asking him.  He said he usually has to wait until a fight to say what bugs him.  But how horrible is that?  I'd rather he just tell me when something is bugging him rather than waiting until I have a problem and him attacking me.  Because then my problem never gets addressed.  And I feel like total crapola even 4 days later.  I'm still pretty sad.  I hate talking about him because I do think he's a pretty good guy, he can just be pretty awful at times.  Sigh.  Sadness.  I'm just swallowing it up with wine though.  And I bought crap tasting wine which sucks but oh well.  It will do the damage just the same.