So I'm sticking to my 'maximum alloted drinks' and even to the number of alcohol free days each week. Sunday I didn't drink. Monday I did. I stuck to 8 drinks (ya I know that's a lot but still, heaps less then I had been drinking). I woke up Tuesday feeling guitly. Drank Tuesday night. Woke up Wednesday feeling a bit self-righteous. Today I woke at 4 and barely slept since. My feelings today were a mixture of anger at others, self-loathing, feeling there is nothing for me in life, depressed, lonely and the rest.
I seem to notice this pattern when I drink in successive days. Like one day is ok. Two is not. Three is horrible. By 4 I hate everyone in my life. Or at least those closest to me. I think about leaving it all.
In the end I know I have to stop drinking. If I don't, I will be on this ride for eternity. But you know, I was so tired today and so upset that I was thinking the last thing I need to do is drink. But then I was also thinking about how much I wanted to drink to forget it all. We all know that doesn't happen. I forget for a while but really all I'm doing is stewing in these 'juices'. I stick to my 8 maximum but all the while I really want more. Life was easier when I quit for 2 months. I was still miserable but at least my hatred wasn't inwardly directed.
Life was so much easier when I was amongst university students, or a young single professional in Canada's capital. But now I have people to answer to. I'm not living alone. I know what this is doing. And it's not even so much what I'm doing to my family, because I try soooo hard to be good. It's what I'm left with at the end of the day when I'm alone.
The thing is... I can't handle thinking about family parties in the future without alcohol. I'll be missing out.
Well, maybe not. The more this continues, the less I see that as a reason to quit drinking.
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