This morning I woke up a bit tired and groggy but otherwise ok (no hangover!!). But by the time I had made the kids their milo and made my eldest son's breakfast, I realised I was really stressed. This used to happen to me a lot when I had postnatal depression and I learned not to do too much in the morings because that was a major cause of the stress. But today I didn't really have much to be stressed about... not really sure what was going on.
I dropped both my kids off - one at kindy, the other to daycare. I think I mentioned I've got my little one in daycare to ease him in to the transition when I start working.... But anyway, I was on my way back home thinking thinking thinking about what is going on with me. I'm stressed about working, I don't want to work, I do want to work. Everyone has their opinion on whether or not I should work. I need to talk about it but everyone has their own agenda. I decide I'm going to call the counsellor I used to go to last year and talk to her. She's a half hour drive away but it would be worth it...
BUT ... then I decided to hop on my crosstrainer. I decided I would 'do nothing' to solve my problem. I'm the type of person who's focused on finding a solution now. But this time I decided not to. Twenty minutes of cardio later and I figured something out. If I had gone to my counsellor, it would take over 2 hours out of my 'day off'. By day off I mean the kids are not here. And I realised maybe that's why I'm stressing and wanting to go talk to someone. I'm scared... either to have time to myself, to take time for myself or ... even bigger... to work on my business. I could spend that 2 hours sewing and creating. But I was going to chose not too.
I've now changed my mind and am going to stay home to sew and generally do what I want (and not the things that need to be done like cleaning the fridge or mowing the lawn). But I've also realised over this past week that I need to find a way to handle my stress. I always used to stuff down the stress and 'reward' myself with a drink. I mean my parents ALWAYS had a drink after the end of the workday to 'wind down'' so it's what's been modelled to me. But I need to find another way. Now, after 20 years of doing it this way (ok in my 20's I didn't drink every day but I got bombed on the weekends so that was my reward - and I could hold off during the week knowing I was going out on the weekends) I am open to learning new ways to handle stress. I have been doing a lot of deep breathing, talking quietly to my kids... thinking about taking a meditation course in stress....
Overall I'm feeling much better now and am happy I didn't race off to the next thing that would 'make me feel better'. I realise today that sometimes it isn't about doing something - it's nothing at all.
I have SO much to write about... really want to be blogging more! Where to find time...
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