I think I've mentioned that I have had postnatal depression (PND or postpartum depression PPD - same thing). I have pretty much had it since I got pregnat with my first son (I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't drink anymore but that's another story for another time), but it got really bad after we moved country while I was pregnant with my second. Finally in November of last year I went to the Dr and asked to be put on antidepressants after speaking with my PND support group and hearing from them that it would really help.
So I've been on antidepressants for about 11 months. I have been feeling much better - in fact the meds started working after about 6 weeks and I've definitely returned to 'normal'. Since I've stopped drinking though, I've realised that I am not really feeling much joy. I am certainly not depressed or down, but I don't feel that flutter in my chest or stomach, that bit of excitement about life.. or about something that I'm going to do during the day. My feelings are just sort of level - no real highs.
Last weekend I felt really down. Coming in to Friday I was like woopie. It's the weekend. Big deal. Nothing to look forward to anyway... the weekend is just the same as the week only my husband is home. I don't really get a break - it's not like when I worked and the weekend was relax time... and party time. Now it's just one big blah of the same ole same ole. I wondered is this what life is going to be like without drink? The first two weekends were great because I was on a high from stopping. But last weekend was nothing spectacular... just the realisation that this is now how life is going to be from now on.
But then I started thinking - I actually have lots of exciting things going on in my life that I love. I love doing my crafts and sewing, I've been exercising, heck I'm going overseas in a week to see my family... I realised something else was going on. It wasn't so much that I was down, but the problem was that I wasn't feeling that joy.
So I decided to start coming off my antidepressants. I figure that the alcohol was keeping me from getting over that last hump of the depression - keeping me just sort of not really depressed, but not well enough to move on. After all - alcohol is a depressant. Yesterday I halved my pill instead of taking a whole one (have to come off antidpressants gradually) so that's what I'll do every second day. My doctor has told me that the drug I'm on (citalopram) comes out of the system relatively quickly so that is good news for me.
I'm really looking forward to feeling joy again. It's been quite a long time. I'll post when it happens!
Wednesday 19 October 2011
Monday 17 October 2011
Two big events coming up
I've learned over the past little while to live each moment as it's own - not to worry about the future and past. This is the only moment we can do something about, the past is over and the future has yet to come. I find this very useful and try my best to live in the moment. Except when I get stressed.
I have lots on my plate at the moment and I have a couple of big events coming up that I'm not sure how I will handle. As I said, I'm trying not to think about them or worry, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself and figure out some techniques to use when the time comes.
The first big event is a family reunion this coming weekend. It is my husband's family reunion and I am pretty sure everyone drinks. The biggest issue is that we are staying on the Marae (my husband is a Maori New Zealander and this is a sacred meeting place. Click the link for more info on Maori and Maraes) which means we will be staying for 3 nights. That means once the party starts going there will be no escape. Well almost. I plan to go to bed with the kids since we sleep on the Marae but in a different place than where people will be partying. Because the kids are so young I don't really want to leave them alone in there anyway.
But that's not really the problem of course. The problem is that I don't know how I'll be with all that partying going on. Last time I was there I had a 'great' time... read I got super trashed, danced and was the life of the party (or so I thought... who knows, maybe people were laughing AT me, not WITH me) and the next day I was so hungover and sick I could barely make it to the car for the 6 hour drive home. What will people think? Will they think I'm lame and boring? And lets face it, drunk people are annoying... so how long will I be able to suffer the repetative stories, slurred speech and general incoherence of drunk people while I'm sober? And will I feel like I miss the drinking?
So there's that.
And the other thing. I'm leaving in 10 days to go and spend 2.5 months with my family. That's right... I'm hoping on a plane (well 4 to be exact) with my 1 and 3 year old, on my own, to spend 2 weeks with my brother and his family and then 2 months with my parents. My husband won't be with us until December 15th because he has to work.
Did I mention they all drink? My parents drink excessivley. Not really sure how I'm going to handle all that.
I have lots on my plate at the moment and I have a couple of big events coming up that I'm not sure how I will handle. As I said, I'm trying not to think about them or worry, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself and figure out some techniques to use when the time comes.
The first big event is a family reunion this coming weekend. It is my husband's family reunion and I am pretty sure everyone drinks. The biggest issue is that we are staying on the Marae (my husband is a Maori New Zealander and this is a sacred meeting place. Click the link for more info on Maori and Maraes) which means we will be staying for 3 nights. That means once the party starts going there will be no escape. Well almost. I plan to go to bed with the kids since we sleep on the Marae but in a different place than where people will be partying. Because the kids are so young I don't really want to leave them alone in there anyway.
But that's not really the problem of course. The problem is that I don't know how I'll be with all that partying going on. Last time I was there I had a 'great' time... read I got super trashed, danced and was the life of the party (or so I thought... who knows, maybe people were laughing AT me, not WITH me) and the next day I was so hungover and sick I could barely make it to the car for the 6 hour drive home. What will people think? Will they think I'm lame and boring? And lets face it, drunk people are annoying... so how long will I be able to suffer the repetative stories, slurred speech and general incoherence of drunk people while I'm sober? And will I feel like I miss the drinking?
So there's that.
And the other thing. I'm leaving in 10 days to go and spend 2.5 months with my family. That's right... I'm hoping on a plane (well 4 to be exact) with my 1 and 3 year old, on my own, to spend 2 weeks with my brother and his family and then 2 months with my parents. My husband won't be with us until December 15th because he has to work.
Did I mention they all drink? My parents drink excessivley. Not really sure how I'm going to handle all that.
Sunday 16 October 2011
AA and me
So I've been going to AA meetings on Monday nights. I've eluded to this in earlier posts so here I am to talk about it. I've been to 3 Monday night meetings, tonight will be my 4th. I have a sponsor and she has come to my house once a week since I started with AA and she stays for about an hour. We read from 'The Big Book'.
The thing is, I don't really think AA is for me. I am hesitant to be blatently honest about my thoughts and feelings on AA because I don't want to offend anyone but I need to get this off my chest.
Ok, I love meeting up with other alcoholics and I do love hearing their stories. I relate to them more than I don't in that it seems to be a problem of control, and not how much one drinks or how often one drinks. It is good for me to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone. It's also something to look forward to when I'm having a bad time and I know that I can express my hard time with other people who understand.
But that's where the joy of AA ends for me. As with many groups, there is the gossip, the expert, the forboding warner of failing... etc etc. Also, the only requirement for someone in AA is meant to be the desire to stop drinking. BUT... they recommend that you follow the 12 steps, that you go to at least 3 meetings a week (a week!!) and meet with your sponsor once a week. And they strongly suggest this. Repeatedly. And you have to accept that you are powerless to alcohol and that only God (or your higher power of choice) can stop you from drinking. That you have no mental defence against that first drink.
I have several problems with this. The first is that I'm not totally sure that alcoholism is a disease. The second is that they say I have to admit that I can not control alcohol (fair enough) and that my life was out of control. My drinking was out of control, but my life wasn't out of control. I mean it definitely wasn't ideal and I was really tired and felt unwell most of the time but it wasn't out of control. I didn't have my kids taken off me, I didn't get told to go to AA (quite the opposite, in fact). I didn't hit rock bottom. I chose to go because I wanted a better life. My decision. My choice to stop drinking. Which they also don't believe in. I've only gotten as far as the second step so I don't really know what else is to come.
Another thing is that my sponsor comes over and we just read from 'The Big Book' which is the AA handbook... we just read. We don't really discuss what sort of problems we are facing with not drinking or how to deal with things... because apparently the answers are all there in the book. I'd rather discuss and work together to find soloutions.
Every meeting the new-ish people say that they look to the ones who have been there for a long time and the newbies say 'I want what they have'. I think to myself.. I don't! I don't want to be sitting here in 7 years, going to 3 AA meetings a week discussing how I am an alcoholic and how I am still working on it every day. Three meetings a week for 7 years?! That almost takes up more of my time than drinking did (almost).
Which leads me to my final problem and perhaps the biggest one that I have. AA is fraught with Catch-22s. If you don't believe in these steps you are doomed to fail. If you don't believe that your life with alcohol was out of control then you are doomed to fall off the wagon. If you don't go to 3 meetings a week then you are complacent and you will drink again.
There is no recognition of other methods used in conjunction with group meetings to get off the booze. For these reasons I don't think AA is for me. But... I keep going to my one meeting a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week. Why? For sure I like meeting up with other alcoholics and talking to them and hearing their stories. Also because I feel I need that bit of a safety net... having a group of people supporting me and there for me and to help me through potential rough times. And also, sadly, because I'm not sure if they're right or not and I'm a bit worried that maybe I am in denial and they're right - that I'm doing exactly what will make me drink in the long run. I don't really believe that, but I'm so new to this that I'm a bit scared and don't want to take the chance.
The thing is, I don't really think AA is for me. I am hesitant to be blatently honest about my thoughts and feelings on AA because I don't want to offend anyone but I need to get this off my chest.
Ok, I love meeting up with other alcoholics and I do love hearing their stories. I relate to them more than I don't in that it seems to be a problem of control, and not how much one drinks or how often one drinks. It is good for me to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone. It's also something to look forward to when I'm having a bad time and I know that I can express my hard time with other people who understand.
But that's where the joy of AA ends for me. As with many groups, there is the gossip, the expert, the forboding warner of failing... etc etc. Also, the only requirement for someone in AA is meant to be the desire to stop drinking. BUT... they recommend that you follow the 12 steps, that you go to at least 3 meetings a week (a week!!) and meet with your sponsor once a week. And they strongly suggest this. Repeatedly. And you have to accept that you are powerless to alcohol and that only God (or your higher power of choice) can stop you from drinking. That you have no mental defence against that first drink.
I have several problems with this. The first is that I'm not totally sure that alcoholism is a disease. The second is that they say I have to admit that I can not control alcohol (fair enough) and that my life was out of control. My drinking was out of control, but my life wasn't out of control. I mean it definitely wasn't ideal and I was really tired and felt unwell most of the time but it wasn't out of control. I didn't have my kids taken off me, I didn't get told to go to AA (quite the opposite, in fact). I didn't hit rock bottom. I chose to go because I wanted a better life. My decision. My choice to stop drinking. Which they also don't believe in. I've only gotten as far as the second step so I don't really know what else is to come.
Another thing is that my sponsor comes over and we just read from 'The Big Book' which is the AA handbook... we just read. We don't really discuss what sort of problems we are facing with not drinking or how to deal with things... because apparently the answers are all there in the book. I'd rather discuss and work together to find soloutions.
Every meeting the new-ish people say that they look to the ones who have been there for a long time and the newbies say 'I want what they have'. I think to myself.. I don't! I don't want to be sitting here in 7 years, going to 3 AA meetings a week discussing how I am an alcoholic and how I am still working on it every day. Three meetings a week for 7 years?! That almost takes up more of my time than drinking did (almost).
Which leads me to my final problem and perhaps the biggest one that I have. AA is fraught with Catch-22s. If you don't believe in these steps you are doomed to fail. If you don't believe that your life with alcohol was out of control then you are doomed to fall off the wagon. If you don't go to 3 meetings a week then you are complacent and you will drink again.
There is no recognition of other methods used in conjunction with group meetings to get off the booze. For these reasons I don't think AA is for me. But... I keep going to my one meeting a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week. Why? For sure I like meeting up with other alcoholics and talking to them and hearing their stories. Also because I feel I need that bit of a safety net... having a group of people supporting me and there for me and to help me through potential rough times. And also, sadly, because I'm not sure if they're right or not and I'm a bit worried that maybe I am in denial and they're right - that I'm doing exactly what will make me drink in the long run. I don't really believe that, but I'm so new to this that I'm a bit scared and don't want to take the chance.
Monday 10 October 2011
Hard day on Sunday
Sunday was my first born's 3rd birthday. Getting ready for the party, I was half pleased that I wasn't drinking during the prep and definitely felt little stress because I didn't have to think about when I could drink and how much to drink so I remained relatively sober while my mommy friends were here... and I was also half struggling because let's face it, I always 'celebrated' every occasion, good or bad, with wine. So it was a new experience. I was coping... until.....
A friend of mine showed up and I saw a wine bottle in her bag. Seriously. Like ok, she doesn't know I'm an 'alcoholic' or the extent of my drinking, but she does know that I quit drinking. On the one hand, who shows up to a 3 year old's party with booze? But on the other, just in May we had my youngest's 1st birthday and it was a booze blow out. And in her defence she doesn't know I'm struggling with quitting and I'm learning that for people who don't drink like I do it's no big deal to have one or two.. but on the other hand, at least ask if it's ok, no?
I had no idea how I was going to do it. I just felt this panic welling up inside me. I had also skyped with my parents earlier in the day and they were sitting there drinking so I had already been wondering how I was going to make it, visiting them for 2 months and not drinking... and now a friend shows up with wine so here I was wondering what the point was, did I pick the wrong time to stop? Should I just forget it? Go on, have a drink. But I knew where that would lead me.
So I'm in the kitchen, texting my sponsor (ya I did that) and my husband comes in and says he's just going to pop out to the shop. Ok fine. But then he asks me to hold putting the food out (which I'm just about to do) until he gets back. So I ask him what he's doing and he says getting a box [of beer]. What? Like ok, I get it. Up until 3 weeks ago I would've been saying ya get me wine too.. but I'm not. I'm not drinking anymore. And I was a bit upset. I mean are we really going to put the food on hold for booze? And I am in the process of quitting - can we have some respect for that? Anyway, I could feel I was reaching a desperation of sorts so I didn't say anything and he decided to change his mind (haha 'decided'). I stayed in the kitchen for a bit and started to feel better. I got a call from another aa memeber and it was half ok half a bit 'God-y' for me but regardless there was some good that came of it. I actually felt better as soon as I had started the text to my sponsor. It was just a release for me.
So the day carried on and I didn't think about alcohol again. My friend and her husband had a few and no one else did. I chatted with another friend who just doesn't drink who was at the party and that was good too. Everyone left and my husband's cousin had showed up from out of town and they sat around and started drinking. I was knackered from both the party and the emotional day I'd had so I went and watched tv. I had a nice relaxing time, thankful I didn't drink. I woke up the next day and was happy for the same reason.
Today I am 11 days sober and proud of it.
A friend of mine showed up and I saw a wine bottle in her bag. Seriously. Like ok, she doesn't know I'm an 'alcoholic' or the extent of my drinking, but she does know that I quit drinking. On the one hand, who shows up to a 3 year old's party with booze? But on the other, just in May we had my youngest's 1st birthday and it was a booze blow out. And in her defence she doesn't know I'm struggling with quitting and I'm learning that for people who don't drink like I do it's no big deal to have one or two.. but on the other hand, at least ask if it's ok, no?
I had no idea how I was going to do it. I just felt this panic welling up inside me. I had also skyped with my parents earlier in the day and they were sitting there drinking so I had already been wondering how I was going to make it, visiting them for 2 months and not drinking... and now a friend shows up with wine so here I was wondering what the point was, did I pick the wrong time to stop? Should I just forget it? Go on, have a drink. But I knew where that would lead me.
So I'm in the kitchen, texting my sponsor (ya I did that) and my husband comes in and says he's just going to pop out to the shop. Ok fine. But then he asks me to hold putting the food out (which I'm just about to do) until he gets back. So I ask him what he's doing and he says getting a box [of beer]. What? Like ok, I get it. Up until 3 weeks ago I would've been saying ya get me wine too.. but I'm not. I'm not drinking anymore. And I was a bit upset. I mean are we really going to put the food on hold for booze? And I am in the process of quitting - can we have some respect for that? Anyway, I could feel I was reaching a desperation of sorts so I didn't say anything and he decided to change his mind (haha 'decided'). I stayed in the kitchen for a bit and started to feel better. I got a call from another aa memeber and it was half ok half a bit 'God-y' for me but regardless there was some good that came of it. I actually felt better as soon as I had started the text to my sponsor. It was just a release for me.
So the day carried on and I didn't think about alcohol again. My friend and her husband had a few and no one else did. I chatted with another friend who just doesn't drink who was at the party and that was good too. Everyone left and my husband's cousin had showed up from out of town and they sat around and started drinking. I was knackered from both the party and the emotional day I'd had so I went and watched tv. I had a nice relaxing time, thankful I didn't drink. I woke up the next day and was happy for the same reason.
Today I am 11 days sober and proud of it.
Friday 7 October 2011
One Week Sober
I made it through Friday night. It wasn't that hard this week - I think last week did teach me a big lesson. I now realise I can't have just one... I don't actually want just one. When I drink, I have no interest in moderating my drinking. When I drink, I want to get drunk. So in many ways it is easier to just not drink than to try to moderate or 'control' my drinking.
In one week I already find things are better. Just the stress relief of not fighting with myself every day ... Do I drink? Not drink? I'll only have 1. Or 2. No I won't drink. And on and on.
Another thing that's better is just being present with my kids. And I'm not talking about how I wasn't present just when I was drinking.. it was most of the day .. thinking about drinking or trying to not drink. And I feel like I was basically always trying to run away from them, to just get to the end of the day so I could 'relax' with a drink. This past week - and I know it's early days - I have actually spent time with them, just sat with them. I have spent time out with them, at a cafe, at the mall, just having fun. I'm no longer stressed waiting for my husband to get home at 5:20. I now feel like it's no big deal. I can just sit with them at the end of the day... lay on the carpet and let them crawl all over me. I'm just more relaxed.
Is this actually possible? In one week? I love that drinking is just not an option. The first week I 'quit' before I had my friday night binge, I was sad the whole week when I thought of certain things - how would I celebrate New Year's without a drink? Next week we're going away, it's sad I'm the only one who won't be drinking... etc etc. Now I feel relief. I know I won't drink. I still have to figure out HOW I won't drink but I know I won't. It's not even an option for me.
Today is the first Saturday I have woken up in as long as I can remember not being hungover or still drunk. Today I woke up satisfied. Happy with myself. Tired, but still happy inside.
In one week I already find things are better. Just the stress relief of not fighting with myself every day ... Do I drink? Not drink? I'll only have 1. Or 2. No I won't drink. And on and on.
Another thing that's better is just being present with my kids. And I'm not talking about how I wasn't present just when I was drinking.. it was most of the day .. thinking about drinking or trying to not drink. And I feel like I was basically always trying to run away from them, to just get to the end of the day so I could 'relax' with a drink. This past week - and I know it's early days - I have actually spent time with them, just sat with them. I have spent time out with them, at a cafe, at the mall, just having fun. I'm no longer stressed waiting for my husband to get home at 5:20. I now feel like it's no big deal. I can just sit with them at the end of the day... lay on the carpet and let them crawl all over me. I'm just more relaxed.
Is this actually possible? In one week? I love that drinking is just not an option. The first week I 'quit' before I had my friday night binge, I was sad the whole week when I thought of certain things - how would I celebrate New Year's without a drink? Next week we're going away, it's sad I'm the only one who won't be drinking... etc etc. Now I feel relief. I know I won't drink. I still have to figure out HOW I won't drink but I know I won't. It's not even an option for me.
Today is the first Saturday I have woken up in as long as I can remember not being hungover or still drunk. Today I woke up satisfied. Happy with myself. Tired, but still happy inside.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
The Magic Wand Theory
It's funny, when I thought about quitting drinking I had this whole host of reasons and ideas about why it would be good. I guess I thought that once I quit drinking, my life would immediately be better and all the things in life that are difficult and troublesome will magically dissapear.
Unfortunately, as I'm finding, there is no magic wand. Life hasn't just become completely wonderful over night. I'm still exhausted at the end of the day. I still fall asleep in my chair watching tv sometimes, I'm still too tired to sew and work on my business at night. My oldest son still doesn't go to bed easily. My house is still a mess. I'm often still overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do as a mostly stay at home mum who works part time and is starting her own business. I mean just keeping up with the laundry and cooking and the constant demands of a 1 and 3 year old is hard enough!
I do get overwhelmed. I used to get overwhelmed and think 'at least I can have a drink at the end of the day and that will make it all ok'. And of course I'd feel ok because I had an excuse to drink. Now... well I actually caught myself thinking the other day 'oh well, it's tough but at least I don't have to drink tonight'. Not sure why - I guess it's because when I drink I stay up later, and of course feel worse the next day.
Overall, I'm doing ok. I'm a bit stressed at times but I'm ok. I have lots of good things in my life and thinking about them makes me happy and relieves me a bit. I know I am doing a good thing, what is best for me and what is best for my family. At least I am not beating myself up all day. But ya, no magic wand!
Unfortunately, as I'm finding, there is no magic wand. Life hasn't just become completely wonderful over night. I'm still exhausted at the end of the day. I still fall asleep in my chair watching tv sometimes, I'm still too tired to sew and work on my business at night. My oldest son still doesn't go to bed easily. My house is still a mess. I'm often still overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do as a mostly stay at home mum who works part time and is starting her own business. I mean just keeping up with the laundry and cooking and the constant demands of a 1 and 3 year old is hard enough!
I do get overwhelmed. I used to get overwhelmed and think 'at least I can have a drink at the end of the day and that will make it all ok'. And of course I'd feel ok because I had an excuse to drink. Now... well I actually caught myself thinking the other day 'oh well, it's tough but at least I don't have to drink tonight'. Not sure why - I guess it's because when I drink I stay up later, and of course feel worse the next day.
Overall, I'm doing ok. I'm a bit stressed at times but I'm ok. I have lots of good things in my life and thinking about them makes me happy and relieves me a bit. I know I am doing a good thing, what is best for me and what is best for my family. At least I am not beating myself up all day. But ya, no magic wand!
Sunday 2 October 2011
I'm so stressed out
Today started off good enough... dropped hubbie at work and took the kids to the mall for a bit of a play and some lunch before taking my youngest to an appointment at 2 pm. ... The kids fell asleep in the car after lunch and I had brought my book so I was all settled in to read a bit while the kids slept. I thought I better double check the appointment time for my baby and noticed it was 1pm and not 2. Ugh, had to race to the hospital to make it there on time and had to wake the boys so we could go in. I had no 'me time' what-so-ever and had thought I would get some.
We go in the hospital, and the woman at radiology are always quite curt and give a pretty good growl if you are late so I was happy I arrived at 3 minutes to 1. We had to wait 15 min for the appt, no prob. We go in and my little guy had to have an ultrasound... this was something they picked up when I was pregnant, he has an enlarged kidney. It's nothing to be concerned about, they assure me, so I don't worry. But still, I think it is still very difficult for me to have my youngest have anything wrong with him. So my oldes (3yrs old) sat very nicely and drew a picture while I held my baby (16 months) as he wriggled about. The technician was very friendly so that was great, but it took a long time and both of us were (literally) overheated by the end. It was hard to hold my 12kg 'little' guy as she prodded him.
So we came home and I saw my parents had skyped a few times. So I reluctantly called them back. Reluctantly because I knew I was stressed out and I just wanted to take a breather. But because they had called so many times, I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. I also know calling at 3pm my time is 10pm their time and that they'll be drunk because they start drinking at 4. Sure enough, my mom was on to red wine, which is always her last drink of the night, after dinner and after she's had enough white wine. And don't they start in on me about getting something done before I come visit? Of course they do.
Here's the story - we want to baptize baby when we're home but we need a letter from a priest here - which my husband said he'll take care of... Conversation goes something like this:
Them: Have you gotten that letter from the priest yet?
Me: No, but it's on my list
Them: you really need to get it or else you can't get him baptised here
Me: I said I'd get it
Mom: I told your dad this would happen and I don't want to upset you but we need that letter
Me: Don't worry about it, I'll get it (I'm getting angrier here). If I don't, then we just won't be able to get him baptised (wrong thing to say)
Them: We're dealing with a new priest here and we don't want to call him unless we know you have that letter
Me: I said I'd get it and I would.. I'm 38 years old, I don't need reminders to get things done
Dad: Well I'm 67 and I need reminders all the time
Me: Well reminding me is ok, but I don't need to be pressured. I've had a rough day (I go on to explain why - and of course they've already grilled me to 'reassure them' that nothing is wrong with baby)
Them: Well I guess we just picked a bad day to ask you then (thanks for the support parents, thanks for the comfort and telling me it'll be ok with baby - whatever)
Me: Well I wasn't going to answer because I am having a rough day but I saw you called and sent a bunch of messages so I wanted to make sure everything was ok
Them: We always do that
Me: Yes, but today I wouldn't have answered but you sent messages
Them: We always call a lot
ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH - is this conversation frustrating you as much as it frustrated me??????
We go in the hospital, and the woman at radiology are always quite curt and give a pretty good growl if you are late so I was happy I arrived at 3 minutes to 1. We had to wait 15 min for the appt, no prob. We go in and my little guy had to have an ultrasound... this was something they picked up when I was pregnant, he has an enlarged kidney. It's nothing to be concerned about, they assure me, so I don't worry. But still, I think it is still very difficult for me to have my youngest have anything wrong with him. So my oldes (3yrs old) sat very nicely and drew a picture while I held my baby (16 months) as he wriggled about. The technician was very friendly so that was great, but it took a long time and both of us were (literally) overheated by the end. It was hard to hold my 12kg 'little' guy as she prodded him.
So we came home and I saw my parents had skyped a few times. So I reluctantly called them back. Reluctantly because I knew I was stressed out and I just wanted to take a breather. But because they had called so many times, I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. I also know calling at 3pm my time is 10pm their time and that they'll be drunk because they start drinking at 4. Sure enough, my mom was on to red wine, which is always her last drink of the night, after dinner and after she's had enough white wine. And don't they start in on me about getting something done before I come visit? Of course they do.
Here's the story - we want to baptize baby when we're home but we need a letter from a priest here - which my husband said he'll take care of... Conversation goes something like this:
Them: Have you gotten that letter from the priest yet?
Me: No, but it's on my list
Them: you really need to get it or else you can't get him baptised here
Me: I said I'd get it
Mom: I told your dad this would happen and I don't want to upset you but we need that letter
Me: Don't worry about it, I'll get it (I'm getting angrier here). If I don't, then we just won't be able to get him baptised (wrong thing to say)
Them: We're dealing with a new priest here and we don't want to call him unless we know you have that letter
Me: I said I'd get it and I would.. I'm 38 years old, I don't need reminders to get things done
Dad: Well I'm 67 and I need reminders all the time
Me: Well reminding me is ok, but I don't need to be pressured. I've had a rough day (I go on to explain why - and of course they've already grilled me to 'reassure them' that nothing is wrong with baby)
Them: Well I guess we just picked a bad day to ask you then (thanks for the support parents, thanks for the comfort and telling me it'll be ok with baby - whatever)
Me: Well I wasn't going to answer because I am having a rough day but I saw you called and sent a bunch of messages so I wanted to make sure everything was ok
Them: We always do that
Me: Yes, but today I wouldn't have answered but you sent messages
Them: We always call a lot
ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH - is this conversation frustrating you as much as it frustrated me??????
Saturday 1 October 2011
And so, I drank
Yes. You heard me. I wanted to have a drink on Friday night and I thought 'Well since I went through the whole week without drinking, I just want to have 1 or 2 and that's it. I'm sure I can do it, I've gone all week without a drink'.
You guessed it, I couldn't. Before I started drinking, I really REALLY only wanted 2 glasses of wine. As soon as the bottle was opened though, that thought never crossed my mind again until I woke the next morning. As soon as I started drinking, all my thoughts of moderation just disappeared - it wasn't even conscious... I honestly only wanted a glass or two before I started but it's like having my first sip erradicated that whole thought process like it never even existed.
So I drank. I drank heaps - no idea how much... I had friends visiting from Canada (my home country) and I knew they'd want to have a drink... then one of my good friends (that I always have friday drinks with) sent me a text and boom, it was like a conditioned response and I wanted a drink. Actually it wasn't like a conditioned response.. it was a conditioned response... I saw her name and I wanted a drink. Anyway, I didn't eat dinner, I don't remember the end of the night, I don't remember going to bed or how I got there and when I woke I saw there was no wine left. So I must have drank a lot.
And I had the worst hangover known to mankind. I think part of it was the amount I drank (obviously) but the other part was that I had woken 4 days last week with no hangover. Up til then I probably didn't realise how bad my hangovers were or even that I had one because I woke up feeling that way every day. Not Saturday.. man I felt like total crap. I actually felt like there was poison in my body. I felt horrible.
But this time it was different. I didn't spend the day beating myself up emotionally. That's my usual m.o. This time I didn't. Instead I was very kind to myself. It was another realisation in my journey. I wanted to have one or two, I tested it out, and I failed miserably. But at least I know. At least I've tried it and I know I can't drink in moderation, and that I have no interest in drinking in moderation once I start.
I hope I don't have to test this out any more and that I've finally learned this lesson. But even if I haven't, I have realised that for me this is a journey. It's not a simple matter of drawing a line in the sand and saying 'that's it, no more drink for me' and it being done and dusted. It's a process, and I feel that as long as I am heading in the right direction, then I am doing ok. Friday night I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a couple and be satisfied. I realised that I was right all along... I can't.
You guessed it, I couldn't. Before I started drinking, I really REALLY only wanted 2 glasses of wine. As soon as the bottle was opened though, that thought never crossed my mind again until I woke the next morning. As soon as I started drinking, all my thoughts of moderation just disappeared - it wasn't even conscious... I honestly only wanted a glass or two before I started but it's like having my first sip erradicated that whole thought process like it never even existed.
So I drank. I drank heaps - no idea how much... I had friends visiting from Canada (my home country) and I knew they'd want to have a drink... then one of my good friends (that I always have friday drinks with) sent me a text and boom, it was like a conditioned response and I wanted a drink. Actually it wasn't like a conditioned response.. it was a conditioned response... I saw her name and I wanted a drink. Anyway, I didn't eat dinner, I don't remember the end of the night, I don't remember going to bed or how I got there and when I woke I saw there was no wine left. So I must have drank a lot.
And I had the worst hangover known to mankind. I think part of it was the amount I drank (obviously) but the other part was that I had woken 4 days last week with no hangover. Up til then I probably didn't realise how bad my hangovers were or even that I had one because I woke up feeling that way every day. Not Saturday.. man I felt like total crap. I actually felt like there was poison in my body. I felt horrible.
But this time it was different. I didn't spend the day beating myself up emotionally. That's my usual m.o. This time I didn't. Instead I was very kind to myself. It was another realisation in my journey. I wanted to have one or two, I tested it out, and I failed miserably. But at least I know. At least I've tried it and I know I can't drink in moderation, and that I have no interest in drinking in moderation once I start.
I hope I don't have to test this out any more and that I've finally learned this lesson. But even if I haven't, I have realised that for me this is a journey. It's not a simple matter of drawing a line in the sand and saying 'that's it, no more drink for me' and it being done and dusted. It's a process, and I feel that as long as I am heading in the right direction, then I am doing ok. Friday night I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a couple and be satisfied. I realised that I was right all along... I can't.
Thursday 29 September 2011
It's Friday and I want to drink
So here I am, made it through the week, pretty easily actually. I haven't missed alcohol - there have been a few moments where something bugged me and I thought I'll have a drink tonight then though oh bummer, I can't, but overall, pretty easy. I've still been super exhausted though!
But now it's friday. My husband has done his usual friday lunch drinks and you know friday night is our night to have a 'couple of quiets' here at home. The problem was that my quiets started getting more and more and I continued to drink during the week. The goal was always that I could have a few and just enjoy them. My alcohol counsellor said I don't have a problem but needed to take a break from it to show myself. And now I actually feel like I could have a few glasses of wine on a friday night and be ok.
BUT then I'm told that alcohol is the only disease that tells you that you don't have the disease. I still don't buy in to the alcohol as a disease. So now what?
Hmmm... am I a horrible person for wanting to try it and see?
But now it's friday. My husband has done his usual friday lunch drinks and you know friday night is our night to have a 'couple of quiets' here at home. The problem was that my quiets started getting more and more and I continued to drink during the week. The goal was always that I could have a few and just enjoy them. My alcohol counsellor said I don't have a problem but needed to take a break from it to show myself. And now I actually feel like I could have a few glasses of wine on a friday night and be ok.
BUT then I'm told that alcohol is the only disease that tells you that you don't have the disease. I still don't buy in to the alcohol as a disease. So now what?
Hmmm... am I a horrible person for wanting to try it and see?
Monday 26 September 2011
Reasons to Quit Drinking
You know, I have several reasons to quit drinking... These include, but are not limited to: wanting to feel better, look better, lose weight, remember things, not feel like I have to take crap I shouldn't just because I want to have a drink, have better skin, be better hydrated, have my evenings back, get more things done, read a book in the evening, sew, create, etc etc etc. I have many reasons to quit... but one reason I never thought of?
I want to have a better life without alcohol.
This was something I never even thought of. It never crossed my mind until I went to my first AA meeting last night and heard other people talking about life after alcohol. See I ALWAYS assumed that life without alcohol would be lacking in some way. Going to a party and not drinking? Obviously it will always feel like something is missing. Why bother going at all? But yesterday, listening to people talk, I started thinking... hmm... maybe my life will actually be better without alcohol. And not just better in the "I won't be drunk all the time and miss out on life and black out and do dumb things" kind of way... but in the "Life can actually be enjoyable and good without alcohol" kind of way.
So I went to my first AA meeting. I'm still not convinced that I'm an alcoholic, but I do feel like I fit in there more than I don't. I am going to do the steps. I'm going to get a sponsor.
This morning I got up and went to the gym and I actually talked to people. I cracked jokes in my class, I didn't just keep my head down. I wasn't worried that people would smell the alcohol on me, my breath, my lies, my shame. I actually felt good about myself.
Bit of a disjointed post but have a lot on my mind right now... lots to get out. Today is a good day, I'm proud of myself.
I want to have a better life without alcohol.
This was something I never even thought of. It never crossed my mind until I went to my first AA meeting last night and heard other people talking about life after alcohol. See I ALWAYS assumed that life without alcohol would be lacking in some way. Going to a party and not drinking? Obviously it will always feel like something is missing. Why bother going at all? But yesterday, listening to people talk, I started thinking... hmm... maybe my life will actually be better without alcohol. And not just better in the "I won't be drunk all the time and miss out on life and black out and do dumb things" kind of way... but in the "Life can actually be enjoyable and good without alcohol" kind of way.
So I went to my first AA meeting. I'm still not convinced that I'm an alcoholic, but I do feel like I fit in there more than I don't. I am going to do the steps. I'm going to get a sponsor.
This morning I got up and went to the gym and I actually talked to people. I cracked jokes in my class, I didn't just keep my head down. I wasn't worried that people would smell the alcohol on me, my breath, my lies, my shame. I actually felt good about myself.
Bit of a disjointed post but have a lot on my mind right now... lots to get out. Today is a good day, I'm proud of myself.
Sunday 25 September 2011
Decision to go to AA
So this past weekend was another 'last weekend' of drinking but this one was pretty bad. I used it as an excuse to drink way more than I normally would and I don't remember much of Saturday night. Unfortunately my husband does and I wasn't being very nice. He knew it was the alcohol so just waited it out. Pretty awful thing to do to him.
See Friday I had a talk with hubbie about going to an AA meeting. Normally he'd excuse my drinking and say it's not that bad. This always made it hard for me because of course I want to buy in to the excuse even though in my heart I know it is that bad. This time he had the courage to be honest and we had a really candid discussion and he agrees that going to a meeting is a good idea. I was a bit worried that he'd miss our friday night drinks but I asked him if he'd rather I didn't drink at all than drink the way I do and he said yes. He'd never been a big drinker anyway so it'd be better all around for us.
So I've made the decision to go to a meeting and I'm terrified. I mean aside from the fact that I picture walking in to a room with a bunch of old, gruff looking men with bulbous noses smoking cigarettes and looking intimidating, I'm also scared to do something so far out of my comfort zone. I don't know what to expect and I'm scared. I am also terrified to give up my crutch of alcohol. I can't picture my life without it but I do get glimpses of how good it could be .... but I've always used alcohol so it's scary to think of not having that 'safety net' in my life, regardless of all the negatives it does.
That's all. Going to my first meeting tonight so keep me in your thoughts please.
See Friday I had a talk with hubbie about going to an AA meeting. Normally he'd excuse my drinking and say it's not that bad. This always made it hard for me because of course I want to buy in to the excuse even though in my heart I know it is that bad. This time he had the courage to be honest and we had a really candid discussion and he agrees that going to a meeting is a good idea. I was a bit worried that he'd miss our friday night drinks but I asked him if he'd rather I didn't drink at all than drink the way I do and he said yes. He'd never been a big drinker anyway so it'd be better all around for us.
So I've made the decision to go to a meeting and I'm terrified. I mean aside from the fact that I picture walking in to a room with a bunch of old, gruff looking men with bulbous noses smoking cigarettes and looking intimidating, I'm also scared to do something so far out of my comfort zone. I don't know what to expect and I'm scared. I am also terrified to give up my crutch of alcohol. I can't picture my life without it but I do get glimpses of how good it could be .... but I've always used alcohol so it's scary to think of not having that 'safety net' in my life, regardless of all the negatives it does.
That's all. Going to my first meeting tonight so keep me in your thoughts please.
Wednesday 21 September 2011
The Top 10 Lies I tell Myself about my Drinking
In order to keep drinking, I've developed some pretty good justifications for why I do it. Here are some of them:
Lie #1 - I drink to relax
Right. At the end of a day, sure it's nice to unwind. Some people have a drink to do so. Some go for a run, others read a book, have a cup of tea etc. I say to myself that I drink to relax. Just one (it's never just one). What's relaxing about drinking, getting drunk, not remembering things, passing out and waking in the morning only to beat myself up about it. Clearly this cycle is anything but relaxing. Mind you it does stop me from doing the 101 chores I could be doing. I stop dead in my tracks once I crack the bottle of wine. That first drink does relax me.. but it doesn't stop there. I don't drink to relax. I drink to get drunk.
Lie #2 I can control it
For some reason I think I can control it. I'm not really sure why since it is probably pretty clear I can not. I open a bottle of wine and it's as good as finished.
Lie #3 I'll just have one
Nope, that doesn't happen either. It is NEVER just one. Sometimes it is just two (which is actually 4 right because my wine glass is holds 2 standard drinks when full, not one) but it is never just one. Even when it is just two I'm always thinking about having another. And if I don't have another it's only because I am proving that I can stop, not because I want to. This is something I've read others say too.
Lie #4 I can stop any time I want
I stopped during both pregnancies so I can stop anytime right? Wrong. I stopped because it was for someone else. I couldn't handle the guilt of doing it to my baby. Made me wonder why I don't care that much about myself. Regardless, when I can drink, I do. And now that I've stopped breastfeeding, my drinking has increased hugely.
Lie #5 This is my last big weekend, then I'll quit
This weekend coming up will be my 3rd 'last weekend' of drinking before I quit. Clearly even drawing a line in the sand doesn't do it for me.
Lie #6 There's nothing else for me
I am mostly a stay at home Mum and work 6 hours a week. I feel that there is no time for me, and that alcohol is a way for me to do something for myself when I can't do anything else. Like I can't just start sewing while the kids are here or read a book or take a bath... so I drink because I can do it at the end of the day and have that time for myself, that 'break'. I can see though that if I could wait just another 3 hours I'd be fine, the kids would be in bed and I could do anything I want. But that 3 hours is an eternity. No, that's a lie too. I would rather drink and that's why I do.
Lie #7 I have too much to do - everything falls on my shoulders
Raising two young boys, working part time, and it seems the majority of the household chores are mine... I feel like there is so much that I am overwhelmed and can't do it all so I have the excuse to drink to 'deal with it'. Last night I wondered if I was purposely picking a fight with my hubbie because then it'd be ok that I drank. It would be justified. What kind of horrible path will this lead me down? And seriously, ya I do have heaps to do... but when my day ends at 4pm no wonder I don't have time for myself/ time to get stuff done. The same reason I drink (to wind down/ relax) is exactly the same thing that keeps me from doing those things I enjoy and having that time for myself.
Lie #8 Drinking doesn't affect my life
Ok so I don't miss work because of alcohol, I don't lay in bed all day or all morning... I get up, go to the gym, come home and set about my day. Drinking doesn't affect my day to day operation... though in reality it does. Waking up and feeling like crap, brushing my teeth and tongue 50 times to get rid of the red stains so no one will know, being tired and worn out... these are all things that have to affect my life. Not to mention I'd probably have more patience with the kids if I wasn't so ...hungover tired. And then there's my relationship. It obviously has to affect my relationship with my husband because by the time the kids are asleep I'm mostly drunk. And friends.. I don't go out at night because then I couldn't drink.
Lie#9 It is just a habit, not an addiction
I think that since my pregnancies I just got back into the habit of drinking every night. I seem to think if I can just break the habit then I can stop drinking so much. But really, if I could do that, I'd just do it and not be writing about it and thinking about it all day.
Lie # 10 - I'm not that bad
Like I said, I don't miss work, I get stuff done, I look fine, I don't drink before 4 pm (most days), I don't drink out of a paper bag, I don't drink and drive.. so I'm not that bad. But then I think... I drink a bottle of wine 6 nights a week (more on weekends). That is that bad, isn't it?
Lie #1 - I drink to relax
Right. At the end of a day, sure it's nice to unwind. Some people have a drink to do so. Some go for a run, others read a book, have a cup of tea etc. I say to myself that I drink to relax. Just one (it's never just one). What's relaxing about drinking, getting drunk, not remembering things, passing out and waking in the morning only to beat myself up about it. Clearly this cycle is anything but relaxing. Mind you it does stop me from doing the 101 chores I could be doing. I stop dead in my tracks once I crack the bottle of wine. That first drink does relax me.. but it doesn't stop there. I don't drink to relax. I drink to get drunk.
Lie #2 I can control it
For some reason I think I can control it. I'm not really sure why since it is probably pretty clear I can not. I open a bottle of wine and it's as good as finished.
Lie #3 I'll just have one
Nope, that doesn't happen either. It is NEVER just one. Sometimes it is just two (which is actually 4 right because my wine glass is holds 2 standard drinks when full, not one) but it is never just one. Even when it is just two I'm always thinking about having another. And if I don't have another it's only because I am proving that I can stop, not because I want to. This is something I've read others say too.
Lie #4 I can stop any time I want
I stopped during both pregnancies so I can stop anytime right? Wrong. I stopped because it was for someone else. I couldn't handle the guilt of doing it to my baby. Made me wonder why I don't care that much about myself. Regardless, when I can drink, I do. And now that I've stopped breastfeeding, my drinking has increased hugely.
Lie #5 This is my last big weekend, then I'll quit
This weekend coming up will be my 3rd 'last weekend' of drinking before I quit. Clearly even drawing a line in the sand doesn't do it for me.
Lie #6 There's nothing else for me
I am mostly a stay at home Mum and work 6 hours a week. I feel that there is no time for me, and that alcohol is a way for me to do something for myself when I can't do anything else. Like I can't just start sewing while the kids are here or read a book or take a bath... so I drink because I can do it at the end of the day and have that time for myself, that 'break'. I can see though that if I could wait just another 3 hours I'd be fine, the kids would be in bed and I could do anything I want. But that 3 hours is an eternity. No, that's a lie too. I would rather drink and that's why I do.
Lie #7 I have too much to do - everything falls on my shoulders
Raising two young boys, working part time, and it seems the majority of the household chores are mine... I feel like there is so much that I am overwhelmed and can't do it all so I have the excuse to drink to 'deal with it'. Last night I wondered if I was purposely picking a fight with my hubbie because then it'd be ok that I drank. It would be justified. What kind of horrible path will this lead me down? And seriously, ya I do have heaps to do... but when my day ends at 4pm no wonder I don't have time for myself/ time to get stuff done. The same reason I drink (to wind down/ relax) is exactly the same thing that keeps me from doing those things I enjoy and having that time for myself.
Lie #8 Drinking doesn't affect my life
Ok so I don't miss work because of alcohol, I don't lay in bed all day or all morning... I get up, go to the gym, come home and set about my day. Drinking doesn't affect my day to day operation... though in reality it does. Waking up and feeling like crap, brushing my teeth and tongue 50 times to get rid of the red stains so no one will know, being tired and worn out... these are all things that have to affect my life. Not to mention I'd probably have more patience with the kids if I wasn't so ...
Lie#9 It is just a habit, not an addiction
I think that since my pregnancies I just got back into the habit of drinking every night. I seem to think if I can just break the habit then I can stop drinking so much. But really, if I could do that, I'd just do it and not be writing about it and thinking about it all day.
Lie # 10 - I'm not that bad
Like I said, I don't miss work, I get stuff done, I look fine, I don't drink before 4 pm (most days), I don't drink out of a paper bag, I don't drink and drive.. so I'm not that bad. But then I think... I drink a bottle of wine 6 nights a week (more on weekends). That is that bad, isn't it?
Tuesday 20 September 2011
The Universe Speaks to me
So I go to work today after a semi-crapish morning to a job I haven't been loving as a computer tutor and guess what? I trained a woman who is starting her own business (as I am); belongs to the Buddhist Centre (which I want to do) and the business she is starting is .... get this... drug and alcohol counselling.
Yes, Universe ... I hear you. I'm just not ready yet.
Yes, Universe ... I hear you. I'm just not ready yet.
Ugh!
I woke up at 3 am totally disgusted with myself for drinking last night... a bottle I think. All I wanted to do was work on my quilt and even asked my husband if it was ok. He said yes, but hopped on the computer so the kids were crawling all over me. I said should I stop and he said yes and we all went in the lounge and sat around. Why couldn't he have just watched the kids while I did a bit of sewing?
So I drank to get away.
And I woke this morning vowing not to drink tonight. It's 8:30am and I've already changed my mind. My morning has gone like this: get coffee ready, make milo for the kids, make breakfast, pack lunches... quickly shower before my husband leaves for work at 7:30 am. He leaves, feed kids more (they are eating machines these days!), call my parents on skype... kids crawling all over me, parents trying to talk over them... little one shoving crackers down my top... tidy kitchen a bit, put laundry in baskets, get kids dressed ... and now I have to drop the kids at care and go to work! I know this is a huge excuse. I know it is. But this is why I drink. This is my treat for myself after doing all this stuff all day. It's my reprieve. It's an easy escape. I could try to wait til 7:30 to do my sewing but it seems so far away. I feel like everyone is always demanding something from me and alcohol is my way to deal with it. I know it makes it worse. I know being hungover stops me from being able to deal with things better. But alcohol is my learned response. It is easy. It is immediate.
Must run, kids are demanding again. Sigh.
So I drank to get away.
And I woke this morning vowing not to drink tonight. It's 8:30am and I've already changed my mind. My morning has gone like this: get coffee ready, make milo for the kids, make breakfast, pack lunches... quickly shower before my husband leaves for work at 7:30 am. He leaves, feed kids more (they are eating machines these days!), call my parents on skype... kids crawling all over me, parents trying to talk over them... little one shoving crackers down my top... tidy kitchen a bit, put laundry in baskets, get kids dressed ... and now I have to drop the kids at care and go to work! I know this is a huge excuse. I know it is. But this is why I drink. This is my treat for myself after doing all this stuff all day. It's my reprieve. It's an easy escape. I could try to wait til 7:30 to do my sewing but it seems so far away. I feel like everyone is always demanding something from me and alcohol is my way to deal with it. I know it makes it worse. I know being hungover stops me from being able to deal with things better. But alcohol is my learned response. It is easy. It is immediate.
Must run, kids are demanding again. Sigh.
Monday 19 September 2011
Another Big Weekend
This past weekend was a huge one at our house. We had family staying with us for a sports reunion and I knew it was going to be a big drinking weekend. I was initally really worried about it when I was going to give up drinking... but then of course I haven't given up so I did drink. Friday night I came home early but still drank almost a bottle of wine. Saturday I had a babysitter and was out til 3:30 am. Sunday I drank again. A lot.
Over the weekend I saw that most people were drinking heaps. At least it seemed that way to me. It got me thinking about how distorted our view of drinking is. Like everyone there probably thought it was ok to drink that much that many days in a row. Now granted, most of them probably won't drink again for ages and certainly not that much - for many it was probably the biggest weekend they've had in years. But still. We were all binge drinking and everyone seemed ok with it.
I can still remember how shocked I was when I heard that women should drink no more than 2 standard drinks in one day and have 2 alcohol free days a week. In the society I live in, 2 standard drinks is nothing. In fact often 1 glass of wine is that 2 standard drinks because the glasses are so big. I still don't think it's that bad to drink that much. I mean I don't think about the effects on my health and I'm sure most people drinking this past weekend didn't think about it either - if they even KNOW about it at all. It's sort of like the dangers of drinking are as ill recognised as the dangers of smoking was 30 years ago. Maybe by the time our kids are older drinking will be as taboo as smoking is. Or at least we won't be as blind to the dangers.
But still, I can blame society and lack of information all I want. I can say that 'everyone was doing it' so why am I so hard on myself. But the fact of the matter is that as sick as I felt yesterday, I thought about having a drink again. I thought of it often and really wanted one. I held off though, had a nice dinner and was watching tv in the evening feeling really thankful that I hadn't had a drink. This is why I know there's something up with my drinking. The fact that I can feel so rotten and still want a drink, the fact that I want to be tipsy but hate being drunk, the fact that I have already been having the arguement with myself about wether or not I'll drink tonight ... these all indicate that there is something wrong. It might not be 'that bad' but it's certainly not that good either. I know this because when I take the quiz on the Alcoholics Anonymous website it always tells me I have a problem with alcohol. Wether I'm feeling really hard on myself and score high or wether I feel like I'm not that bad... I always score a 4 or more and that's an indication according to them that I have a problem.
If anyone wants to comment please do. I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do. As I've said I want to give up drinking but I don't. I know many of you have gone through/ are going through similar experiences and I'd love to hear from you. You can also email me if you like.
Thank you for listening.
Over the weekend I saw that most people were drinking heaps. At least it seemed that way to me. It got me thinking about how distorted our view of drinking is. Like everyone there probably thought it was ok to drink that much that many days in a row. Now granted, most of them probably won't drink again for ages and certainly not that much - for many it was probably the biggest weekend they've had in years. But still. We were all binge drinking and everyone seemed ok with it.
I can still remember how shocked I was when I heard that women should drink no more than 2 standard drinks in one day and have 2 alcohol free days a week. In the society I live in, 2 standard drinks is nothing. In fact often 1 glass of wine is that 2 standard drinks because the glasses are so big. I still don't think it's that bad to drink that much. I mean I don't think about the effects on my health and I'm sure most people drinking this past weekend didn't think about it either - if they even KNOW about it at all. It's sort of like the dangers of drinking are as ill recognised as the dangers of smoking was 30 years ago. Maybe by the time our kids are older drinking will be as taboo as smoking is. Or at least we won't be as blind to the dangers.
But still, I can blame society and lack of information all I want. I can say that 'everyone was doing it' so why am I so hard on myself. But the fact of the matter is that as sick as I felt yesterday, I thought about having a drink again. I thought of it often and really wanted one. I held off though, had a nice dinner and was watching tv in the evening feeling really thankful that I hadn't had a drink. This is why I know there's something up with my drinking. The fact that I can feel so rotten and still want a drink, the fact that I want to be tipsy but hate being drunk, the fact that I have already been having the arguement with myself about wether or not I'll drink tonight ... these all indicate that there is something wrong. It might not be 'that bad' but it's certainly not that good either. I know this because when I take the quiz on the Alcoholics Anonymous website it always tells me I have a problem with alcohol. Wether I'm feeling really hard on myself and score high or wether I feel like I'm not that bad... I always score a 4 or more and that's an indication according to them that I have a problem.
If anyone wants to comment please do. I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do. As I've said I want to give up drinking but I don't. I know many of you have gone through/ are going through similar experiences and I'd love to hear from you. You can also email me if you like.
Thank you for listening.
Tuesday 13 September 2011
I thought I could control it
Well I stopped posting here because after I made it through day 2 I convinced myself (along with help from others who don't know the whole truth about my drinking) that I don't need to give up. I convinced myself that it is under control, that I'm not 'that bad' and that as long as I could moderate my drinking, I could still drink.
So the first night that I made that decision, Wednesday, I had 2 glasses of wine.... which I drank over a long period of time (took me over an hour to drink my first drink). I felt really cozy and nicely warm... I went to bed, woke up and felt good. The same thing happened the second night. I was feeling great - partly because I was moderating my drinking and enjoying it, and partly because I had convinced myself that I didn't in fact need to stop. That I could moderate it.
Then came Friday. I returned to my old tricks and stocked up big time on wine 'just in case' I ran out. I think I probably drank close to a bottle and a half of wine... not sure. Friday night is the big drinking night for me and my hubby.. where we hang out and have a few drinks. I ended up 'falling asleep' on the couch around 8:30. Repeat on Saturday. Repeat on Sunday.
On Monday I felt moderately bad. Still drank. Tuesday I drank because I could, even though I felt awful and didn't want to. Today I decided that I would go the next two days without drinking and at about 1:30 pm I renegged on that decision too.
So here I am, 4pm and having a glass of wine.
It has become apparent to me once again that I can not control my alcohol. But I don't want to believe that because I don't want to give it up. This constant push and pull is insanity!
So the first night that I made that decision, Wednesday, I had 2 glasses of wine.... which I drank over a long period of time (took me over an hour to drink my first drink). I felt really cozy and nicely warm... I went to bed, woke up and felt good. The same thing happened the second night. I was feeling great - partly because I was moderating my drinking and enjoying it, and partly because I had convinced myself that I didn't in fact need to stop. That I could moderate it.
Then came Friday. I returned to my old tricks and stocked up big time on wine 'just in case' I ran out. I think I probably drank close to a bottle and a half of wine... not sure. Friday night is the big drinking night for me and my hubby.. where we hang out and have a few drinks. I ended up 'falling asleep' on the couch around 8:30. Repeat on Saturday. Repeat on Sunday.
On Monday I felt moderately bad. Still drank. Tuesday I drank because I could, even though I felt awful and didn't want to. Today I decided that I would go the next two days without drinking and at about 1:30 pm I renegged on that decision too.
So here I am, 4pm and having a glass of wine.
It has become apparent to me once again that I can not control my alcohol. But I don't want to believe that because I don't want to give it up. This constant push and pull is insanity!
Monday 5 September 2011
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Well I made it through day one. Not without battles but I did it. The first thing my awesome husband said to me this morning was 'Congratulations on one day of sobriety'! He said he should've made me a one day badge :)
The Good
The good is that I woke up this morning, went to the gym at 6 am and didn't have to worry about whether or not I could/ should be driving. I also could do the work out without dying and fumbling over my feet like I did last week. And seeing my eldest son literally bounce off to bed I thought to myself .. how cute is he? And I would've missed that moment. I would've been fuzzy and not felt it. I made it through day one.
The Bad
I feel like crap. Well not crap but I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!! I was so knackered last night that I went to bed at 8:30. I was hoping to do all kinds of stuff last night since I was going to be sober, but no dice. I was also very irritable... I thought maybe it was because I didn't have my 'wind down' glass of wine but I quickly googled alcohol withdrawl symptoms and sure enough, I have some of the mild ones. This is actually pretty scarey for me! Like sure I drank, but I never thought I would go through withdrawl! And before when I used to try to have 2 sober days a week I always thought well I still feel like crap so why not just drink? I'm realising now maybe I was going through withdrawl. Sad.
The Ugly
By the time I drove to pick my husband up from work and we were talking about the upcoming weekends I had pretty much convinced myself that I'll do a 2 week holiday from drinking then I'll try to moderate my drinking. I have an appointment with an alcohol counsellor next week and she suggested last time that I do this. But the reality is, in the light of day I don't want to drink any more. I don't want to be hung over. I don't want to miss out on life.
It was a hard day yesterday and on top of just the basic trying to get through, I was on skype with my brother around midday and because of the time change he was having a couple of beers. It was hard to watch him down a nice cold beer and it was certainly a trigger for me. Especially because I'm going to visit him soon and he's talking about renting a limo and going to his friends pub. I am so worried about dissapointing people with my not drinking that I thought can I really do that? Like of course I can go in a limo and have fun. Just cuz I'm sober doesn't mean I have to be boring right? '
Regardless, I made it through day one and I am on to day two.
The Good
The good is that I woke up this morning, went to the gym at 6 am and didn't have to worry about whether or not I could/ should be driving. I also could do the work out without dying and fumbling over my feet like I did last week. And seeing my eldest son literally bounce off to bed I thought to myself .. how cute is he? And I would've missed that moment. I would've been fuzzy and not felt it. I made it through day one.
The Bad
I feel like crap. Well not crap but I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!! I was so knackered last night that I went to bed at 8:30. I was hoping to do all kinds of stuff last night since I was going to be sober, but no dice. I was also very irritable... I thought maybe it was because I didn't have my 'wind down' glass of wine but I quickly googled alcohol withdrawl symptoms and sure enough, I have some of the mild ones. This is actually pretty scarey for me! Like sure I drank, but I never thought I would go through withdrawl! And before when I used to try to have 2 sober days a week I always thought well I still feel like crap so why not just drink? I'm realising now maybe I was going through withdrawl. Sad.
The Ugly
By the time I drove to pick my husband up from work and we were talking about the upcoming weekends I had pretty much convinced myself that I'll do a 2 week holiday from drinking then I'll try to moderate my drinking. I have an appointment with an alcohol counsellor next week and she suggested last time that I do this. But the reality is, in the light of day I don't want to drink any more. I don't want to be hung over. I don't want to miss out on life.
It was a hard day yesterday and on top of just the basic trying to get through, I was on skype with my brother around midday and because of the time change he was having a couple of beers. It was hard to watch him down a nice cold beer and it was certainly a trigger for me. Especially because I'm going to visit him soon and he's talking about renting a limo and going to his friends pub. I am so worried about dissapointing people with my not drinking that I thought can I really do that? Like of course I can go in a limo and have fun. Just cuz I'm sober doesn't mean I have to be boring right? '
Regardless, I made it through day one and I am on to day two.
Sunday 4 September 2011
Day One
Here I am, the first day of sobriety for me. It's 10 in the morning and I feel good about my decision. I can in fact feel a difference in myself. I am moving at an extra slow pace, speaking very quietly to my children - almost as if a calmness has settled over me now that I have made my decision.
Of course, I had to have 'one last'. One last big weekend of drinking. Like a dieter before the diet begins who gorges on everything in sight, I drank pretty much all weekend. Big friday night with a friend, huge hangover on Saturday but still managed to down a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed. Then yesterday, being father's day, we had a BBQ which really ended up just being a day of drinking. I went to bed around 8 thankfully and slept it off. I think partially today I feel relief at my decision not to drink. I've drawn a line in the sand.
I was worried about the witching hour.. the pull at 4pm to have a drink.. but I've decided my boys and I will go and get my husband from work. Since I'll be driving, I won't be drinking. Then the 4 of us will be home together and it will be easier.
I also read the post that Once Crafty Mother wrote on Dr Fear and she explained how she was filled with anxiety over not drinking when she first stopped. I am going through this too... what will I do next weekend when family comes to visit and it's a big drinking weekend? What about the weekend after when I go visit friends for a big party? Will I really just not drink? What about Christmas at home with my family... And I realised that she went through this too. This is normal - well whatever normal is. And at the very least I am not alone in feeling this way. Other people have gone through this. And there is a reason they say to take it one day at a time (as cliché as I used to think that was). Right now, I am happy and comforted in my deicion to not drink today. And I'm feeling a certain peace with that.
Of course, I had to have 'one last'. One last big weekend of drinking. Like a dieter before the diet begins who gorges on everything in sight, I drank pretty much all weekend. Big friday night with a friend, huge hangover on Saturday but still managed to down a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed. Then yesterday, being father's day, we had a BBQ which really ended up just being a day of drinking. I went to bed around 8 thankfully and slept it off. I think partially today I feel relief at my decision not to drink. I've drawn a line in the sand.
I was worried about the witching hour.. the pull at 4pm to have a drink.. but I've decided my boys and I will go and get my husband from work. Since I'll be driving, I won't be drinking. Then the 4 of us will be home together and it will be easier.
I also read the post that Once Crafty Mother wrote on Dr Fear and she explained how she was filled with anxiety over not drinking when she first stopped. I am going through this too... what will I do next weekend when family comes to visit and it's a big drinking weekend? What about the weekend after when I go visit friends for a big party? Will I really just not drink? What about Christmas at home with my family... And I realised that she went through this too. This is normal - well whatever normal is. And at the very least I am not alone in feeling this way. Other people have gone through this. And there is a reason they say to take it one day at a time (as cliché as I used to think that was). Right now, I am happy and comforted in my deicion to not drink today. And I'm feeling a certain peace with that.
Wednesday 31 August 2011
Gotta Start Somewhere
Well here I am. I had started a blog a while ago discussing my postnatal (or if you're in North America postpartum) depression and thought it was going well until I mentioned alcohol. I felt that I was being judged, being told to 'eat chocolate' instead of drinking wine and all kinds of other advice that told me I was clearly not meant to discuss drinking in conjunction with being a mother and/ or being depressed.
I scoured the pages for other mothers like me, those who drank in hiding... but couldn't find anything. I thought I'd start a blog on this myself thinking I would be the only one out there, but then two days ago I stumbled across Crying Out Now and MATA which led me to a whole world of women coming about about their alcohol use and abuse. I myself have been convincing myself that I don't have a problem and am finally ready to face up to the fact that I abuse alcohol.
This is the latest path my journey has taken me down. I believe I didn't find those pages when I looked before because it wasn't the right time for me. I was just getting through pnd and tackling alcohol probably would've been too much. But now it is clearly the time. I have found a network of other people who have gone through or are going through the same thing. I have no idea where to start so I'm starting here. After all, I've gotta start somewhere.
I scoured the pages for other mothers like me, those who drank in hiding... but couldn't find anything. I thought I'd start a blog on this myself thinking I would be the only one out there, but then two days ago I stumbled across Crying Out Now and MATA which led me to a whole world of women coming about about their alcohol use and abuse. I myself have been convincing myself that I don't have a problem and am finally ready to face up to the fact that I abuse alcohol.
This is the latest path my journey has taken me down. I believe I didn't find those pages when I looked before because it wasn't the right time for me. I was just getting through pnd and tackling alcohol probably would've been too much. But now it is clearly the time. I have found a network of other people who have gone through or are going through the same thing. I have no idea where to start so I'm starting here. After all, I've gotta start somewhere.
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