I think I've mentioned that I have had postnatal depression (PND or postpartum depression PPD - same thing). I have pretty much had it since I got pregnat with my first son (I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't drink anymore but that's another story for another time), but it got really bad after we moved country while I was pregnant with my second. Finally in November of last year I went to the Dr and asked to be put on antidepressants after speaking with my PND support group and hearing from them that it would really help.
So I've been on antidepressants for about 11 months. I have been feeling much better - in fact the meds started working after about 6 weeks and I've definitely returned to 'normal'. Since I've stopped drinking though, I've realised that I am not really feeling much joy. I am certainly not depressed or down, but I don't feel that flutter in my chest or stomach, that bit of excitement about life.. or about something that I'm going to do during the day. My feelings are just sort of level - no real highs.
Last weekend I felt really down. Coming in to Friday I was like woopie. It's the weekend. Big deal. Nothing to look forward to anyway... the weekend is just the same as the week only my husband is home. I don't really get a break - it's not like when I worked and the weekend was relax time... and party time. Now it's just one big blah of the same ole same ole. I wondered is this what life is going to be like without drink? The first two weekends were great because I was on a high from stopping. But last weekend was nothing spectacular... just the realisation that this is now how life is going to be from now on.
But then I started thinking - I actually have lots of exciting things going on in my life that I love. I love doing my crafts and sewing, I've been exercising, heck I'm going overseas in a week to see my family... I realised something else was going on. It wasn't so much that I was down, but the problem was that I wasn't feeling that joy.
So I decided to start coming off my antidepressants. I figure that the alcohol was keeping me from getting over that last hump of the depression - keeping me just sort of not really depressed, but not well enough to move on. After all - alcohol is a depressant. Yesterday I halved my pill instead of taking a whole one (have to come off antidpressants gradually) so that's what I'll do every second day. My doctor has told me that the drug I'm on (citalopram) comes out of the system relatively quickly so that is good news for me.
I'm really looking forward to feeling joy again. It's been quite a long time. I'll post when it happens!
Wednesday 19 October 2011
Monday 17 October 2011
Two big events coming up
I've learned over the past little while to live each moment as it's own - not to worry about the future and past. This is the only moment we can do something about, the past is over and the future has yet to come. I find this very useful and try my best to live in the moment. Except when I get stressed.
I have lots on my plate at the moment and I have a couple of big events coming up that I'm not sure how I will handle. As I said, I'm trying not to think about them or worry, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself and figure out some techniques to use when the time comes.
The first big event is a family reunion this coming weekend. It is my husband's family reunion and I am pretty sure everyone drinks. The biggest issue is that we are staying on the Marae (my husband is a Maori New Zealander and this is a sacred meeting place. Click the link for more info on Maori and Maraes) which means we will be staying for 3 nights. That means once the party starts going there will be no escape. Well almost. I plan to go to bed with the kids since we sleep on the Marae but in a different place than where people will be partying. Because the kids are so young I don't really want to leave them alone in there anyway.
But that's not really the problem of course. The problem is that I don't know how I'll be with all that partying going on. Last time I was there I had a 'great' time... read I got super trashed, danced and was the life of the party (or so I thought... who knows, maybe people were laughing AT me, not WITH me) and the next day I was so hungover and sick I could barely make it to the car for the 6 hour drive home. What will people think? Will they think I'm lame and boring? And lets face it, drunk people are annoying... so how long will I be able to suffer the repetative stories, slurred speech and general incoherence of drunk people while I'm sober? And will I feel like I miss the drinking?
So there's that.
And the other thing. I'm leaving in 10 days to go and spend 2.5 months with my family. That's right... I'm hoping on a plane (well 4 to be exact) with my 1 and 3 year old, on my own, to spend 2 weeks with my brother and his family and then 2 months with my parents. My husband won't be with us until December 15th because he has to work.
Did I mention they all drink? My parents drink excessivley. Not really sure how I'm going to handle all that.
I have lots on my plate at the moment and I have a couple of big events coming up that I'm not sure how I will handle. As I said, I'm trying not to think about them or worry, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself and figure out some techniques to use when the time comes.
The first big event is a family reunion this coming weekend. It is my husband's family reunion and I am pretty sure everyone drinks. The biggest issue is that we are staying on the Marae (my husband is a Maori New Zealander and this is a sacred meeting place. Click the link for more info on Maori and Maraes) which means we will be staying for 3 nights. That means once the party starts going there will be no escape. Well almost. I plan to go to bed with the kids since we sleep on the Marae but in a different place than where people will be partying. Because the kids are so young I don't really want to leave them alone in there anyway.
But that's not really the problem of course. The problem is that I don't know how I'll be with all that partying going on. Last time I was there I had a 'great' time... read I got super trashed, danced and was the life of the party (or so I thought... who knows, maybe people were laughing AT me, not WITH me) and the next day I was so hungover and sick I could barely make it to the car for the 6 hour drive home. What will people think? Will they think I'm lame and boring? And lets face it, drunk people are annoying... so how long will I be able to suffer the repetative stories, slurred speech and general incoherence of drunk people while I'm sober? And will I feel like I miss the drinking?
So there's that.
And the other thing. I'm leaving in 10 days to go and spend 2.5 months with my family. That's right... I'm hoping on a plane (well 4 to be exact) with my 1 and 3 year old, on my own, to spend 2 weeks with my brother and his family and then 2 months with my parents. My husband won't be with us until December 15th because he has to work.
Did I mention they all drink? My parents drink excessivley. Not really sure how I'm going to handle all that.
Sunday 16 October 2011
AA and me
So I've been going to AA meetings on Monday nights. I've eluded to this in earlier posts so here I am to talk about it. I've been to 3 Monday night meetings, tonight will be my 4th. I have a sponsor and she has come to my house once a week since I started with AA and she stays for about an hour. We read from 'The Big Book'.
The thing is, I don't really think AA is for me. I am hesitant to be blatently honest about my thoughts and feelings on AA because I don't want to offend anyone but I need to get this off my chest.
Ok, I love meeting up with other alcoholics and I do love hearing their stories. I relate to them more than I don't in that it seems to be a problem of control, and not how much one drinks or how often one drinks. It is good for me to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone. It's also something to look forward to when I'm having a bad time and I know that I can express my hard time with other people who understand.
But that's where the joy of AA ends for me. As with many groups, there is the gossip, the expert, the forboding warner of failing... etc etc. Also, the only requirement for someone in AA is meant to be the desire to stop drinking. BUT... they recommend that you follow the 12 steps, that you go to at least 3 meetings a week (a week!!) and meet with your sponsor once a week. And they strongly suggest this. Repeatedly. And you have to accept that you are powerless to alcohol and that only God (or your higher power of choice) can stop you from drinking. That you have no mental defence against that first drink.
I have several problems with this. The first is that I'm not totally sure that alcoholism is a disease. The second is that they say I have to admit that I can not control alcohol (fair enough) and that my life was out of control. My drinking was out of control, but my life wasn't out of control. I mean it definitely wasn't ideal and I was really tired and felt unwell most of the time but it wasn't out of control. I didn't have my kids taken off me, I didn't get told to go to AA (quite the opposite, in fact). I didn't hit rock bottom. I chose to go because I wanted a better life. My decision. My choice to stop drinking. Which they also don't believe in. I've only gotten as far as the second step so I don't really know what else is to come.
Another thing is that my sponsor comes over and we just read from 'The Big Book' which is the AA handbook... we just read. We don't really discuss what sort of problems we are facing with not drinking or how to deal with things... because apparently the answers are all there in the book. I'd rather discuss and work together to find soloutions.
Every meeting the new-ish people say that they look to the ones who have been there for a long time and the newbies say 'I want what they have'. I think to myself.. I don't! I don't want to be sitting here in 7 years, going to 3 AA meetings a week discussing how I am an alcoholic and how I am still working on it every day. Three meetings a week for 7 years?! That almost takes up more of my time than drinking did (almost).
Which leads me to my final problem and perhaps the biggest one that I have. AA is fraught with Catch-22s. If you don't believe in these steps you are doomed to fail. If you don't believe that your life with alcohol was out of control then you are doomed to fall off the wagon. If you don't go to 3 meetings a week then you are complacent and you will drink again.
There is no recognition of other methods used in conjunction with group meetings to get off the booze. For these reasons I don't think AA is for me. But... I keep going to my one meeting a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week. Why? For sure I like meeting up with other alcoholics and talking to them and hearing their stories. Also because I feel I need that bit of a safety net... having a group of people supporting me and there for me and to help me through potential rough times. And also, sadly, because I'm not sure if they're right or not and I'm a bit worried that maybe I am in denial and they're right - that I'm doing exactly what will make me drink in the long run. I don't really believe that, but I'm so new to this that I'm a bit scared and don't want to take the chance.
The thing is, I don't really think AA is for me. I am hesitant to be blatently honest about my thoughts and feelings on AA because I don't want to offend anyone but I need to get this off my chest.
Ok, I love meeting up with other alcoholics and I do love hearing their stories. I relate to them more than I don't in that it seems to be a problem of control, and not how much one drinks or how often one drinks. It is good for me to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone. It's also something to look forward to when I'm having a bad time and I know that I can express my hard time with other people who understand.
But that's where the joy of AA ends for me. As with many groups, there is the gossip, the expert, the forboding warner of failing... etc etc. Also, the only requirement for someone in AA is meant to be the desire to stop drinking. BUT... they recommend that you follow the 12 steps, that you go to at least 3 meetings a week (a week!!) and meet with your sponsor once a week. And they strongly suggest this. Repeatedly. And you have to accept that you are powerless to alcohol and that only God (or your higher power of choice) can stop you from drinking. That you have no mental defence against that first drink.
I have several problems with this. The first is that I'm not totally sure that alcoholism is a disease. The second is that they say I have to admit that I can not control alcohol (fair enough) and that my life was out of control. My drinking was out of control, but my life wasn't out of control. I mean it definitely wasn't ideal and I was really tired and felt unwell most of the time but it wasn't out of control. I didn't have my kids taken off me, I didn't get told to go to AA (quite the opposite, in fact). I didn't hit rock bottom. I chose to go because I wanted a better life. My decision. My choice to stop drinking. Which they also don't believe in. I've only gotten as far as the second step so I don't really know what else is to come.
Another thing is that my sponsor comes over and we just read from 'The Big Book' which is the AA handbook... we just read. We don't really discuss what sort of problems we are facing with not drinking or how to deal with things... because apparently the answers are all there in the book. I'd rather discuss and work together to find soloutions.
Every meeting the new-ish people say that they look to the ones who have been there for a long time and the newbies say 'I want what they have'. I think to myself.. I don't! I don't want to be sitting here in 7 years, going to 3 AA meetings a week discussing how I am an alcoholic and how I am still working on it every day. Three meetings a week for 7 years?! That almost takes up more of my time than drinking did (almost).
Which leads me to my final problem and perhaps the biggest one that I have. AA is fraught with Catch-22s. If you don't believe in these steps you are doomed to fail. If you don't believe that your life with alcohol was out of control then you are doomed to fall off the wagon. If you don't go to 3 meetings a week then you are complacent and you will drink again.
There is no recognition of other methods used in conjunction with group meetings to get off the booze. For these reasons I don't think AA is for me. But... I keep going to my one meeting a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week. Why? For sure I like meeting up with other alcoholics and talking to them and hearing their stories. Also because I feel I need that bit of a safety net... having a group of people supporting me and there for me and to help me through potential rough times. And also, sadly, because I'm not sure if they're right or not and I'm a bit worried that maybe I am in denial and they're right - that I'm doing exactly what will make me drink in the long run. I don't really believe that, but I'm so new to this that I'm a bit scared and don't want to take the chance.
Monday 10 October 2011
Hard day on Sunday
Sunday was my first born's 3rd birthday. Getting ready for the party, I was half pleased that I wasn't drinking during the prep and definitely felt little stress because I didn't have to think about when I could drink and how much to drink so I remained relatively sober while my mommy friends were here... and I was also half struggling because let's face it, I always 'celebrated' every occasion, good or bad, with wine. So it was a new experience. I was coping... until.....
A friend of mine showed up and I saw a wine bottle in her bag. Seriously. Like ok, she doesn't know I'm an 'alcoholic' or the extent of my drinking, but she does know that I quit drinking. On the one hand, who shows up to a 3 year old's party with booze? But on the other, just in May we had my youngest's 1st birthday and it was a booze blow out. And in her defence she doesn't know I'm struggling with quitting and I'm learning that for people who don't drink like I do it's no big deal to have one or two.. but on the other hand, at least ask if it's ok, no?
I had no idea how I was going to do it. I just felt this panic welling up inside me. I had also skyped with my parents earlier in the day and they were sitting there drinking so I had already been wondering how I was going to make it, visiting them for 2 months and not drinking... and now a friend shows up with wine so here I was wondering what the point was, did I pick the wrong time to stop? Should I just forget it? Go on, have a drink. But I knew where that would lead me.
So I'm in the kitchen, texting my sponsor (ya I did that) and my husband comes in and says he's just going to pop out to the shop. Ok fine. But then he asks me to hold putting the food out (which I'm just about to do) until he gets back. So I ask him what he's doing and he says getting a box [of beer]. What? Like ok, I get it. Up until 3 weeks ago I would've been saying ya get me wine too.. but I'm not. I'm not drinking anymore. And I was a bit upset. I mean are we really going to put the food on hold for booze? And I am in the process of quitting - can we have some respect for that? Anyway, I could feel I was reaching a desperation of sorts so I didn't say anything and he decided to change his mind (haha 'decided'). I stayed in the kitchen for a bit and started to feel better. I got a call from another aa memeber and it was half ok half a bit 'God-y' for me but regardless there was some good that came of it. I actually felt better as soon as I had started the text to my sponsor. It was just a release for me.
So the day carried on and I didn't think about alcohol again. My friend and her husband had a few and no one else did. I chatted with another friend who just doesn't drink who was at the party and that was good too. Everyone left and my husband's cousin had showed up from out of town and they sat around and started drinking. I was knackered from both the party and the emotional day I'd had so I went and watched tv. I had a nice relaxing time, thankful I didn't drink. I woke up the next day and was happy for the same reason.
Today I am 11 days sober and proud of it.
A friend of mine showed up and I saw a wine bottle in her bag. Seriously. Like ok, she doesn't know I'm an 'alcoholic' or the extent of my drinking, but she does know that I quit drinking. On the one hand, who shows up to a 3 year old's party with booze? But on the other, just in May we had my youngest's 1st birthday and it was a booze blow out. And in her defence she doesn't know I'm struggling with quitting and I'm learning that for people who don't drink like I do it's no big deal to have one or two.. but on the other hand, at least ask if it's ok, no?
I had no idea how I was going to do it. I just felt this panic welling up inside me. I had also skyped with my parents earlier in the day and they were sitting there drinking so I had already been wondering how I was going to make it, visiting them for 2 months and not drinking... and now a friend shows up with wine so here I was wondering what the point was, did I pick the wrong time to stop? Should I just forget it? Go on, have a drink. But I knew where that would lead me.
So I'm in the kitchen, texting my sponsor (ya I did that) and my husband comes in and says he's just going to pop out to the shop. Ok fine. But then he asks me to hold putting the food out (which I'm just about to do) until he gets back. So I ask him what he's doing and he says getting a box [of beer]. What? Like ok, I get it. Up until 3 weeks ago I would've been saying ya get me wine too.. but I'm not. I'm not drinking anymore. And I was a bit upset. I mean are we really going to put the food on hold for booze? And I am in the process of quitting - can we have some respect for that? Anyway, I could feel I was reaching a desperation of sorts so I didn't say anything and he decided to change his mind (haha 'decided'). I stayed in the kitchen for a bit and started to feel better. I got a call from another aa memeber and it was half ok half a bit 'God-y' for me but regardless there was some good that came of it. I actually felt better as soon as I had started the text to my sponsor. It was just a release for me.
So the day carried on and I didn't think about alcohol again. My friend and her husband had a few and no one else did. I chatted with another friend who just doesn't drink who was at the party and that was good too. Everyone left and my husband's cousin had showed up from out of town and they sat around and started drinking. I was knackered from both the party and the emotional day I'd had so I went and watched tv. I had a nice relaxing time, thankful I didn't drink. I woke up the next day and was happy for the same reason.
Today I am 11 days sober and proud of it.
Friday 7 October 2011
One Week Sober
I made it through Friday night. It wasn't that hard this week - I think last week did teach me a big lesson. I now realise I can't have just one... I don't actually want just one. When I drink, I have no interest in moderating my drinking. When I drink, I want to get drunk. So in many ways it is easier to just not drink than to try to moderate or 'control' my drinking.
In one week I already find things are better. Just the stress relief of not fighting with myself every day ... Do I drink? Not drink? I'll only have 1. Or 2. No I won't drink. And on and on.
Another thing that's better is just being present with my kids. And I'm not talking about how I wasn't present just when I was drinking.. it was most of the day .. thinking about drinking or trying to not drink. And I feel like I was basically always trying to run away from them, to just get to the end of the day so I could 'relax' with a drink. This past week - and I know it's early days - I have actually spent time with them, just sat with them. I have spent time out with them, at a cafe, at the mall, just having fun. I'm no longer stressed waiting for my husband to get home at 5:20. I now feel like it's no big deal. I can just sit with them at the end of the day... lay on the carpet and let them crawl all over me. I'm just more relaxed.
Is this actually possible? In one week? I love that drinking is just not an option. The first week I 'quit' before I had my friday night binge, I was sad the whole week when I thought of certain things - how would I celebrate New Year's without a drink? Next week we're going away, it's sad I'm the only one who won't be drinking... etc etc. Now I feel relief. I know I won't drink. I still have to figure out HOW I won't drink but I know I won't. It's not even an option for me.
Today is the first Saturday I have woken up in as long as I can remember not being hungover or still drunk. Today I woke up satisfied. Happy with myself. Tired, but still happy inside.
In one week I already find things are better. Just the stress relief of not fighting with myself every day ... Do I drink? Not drink? I'll only have 1. Or 2. No I won't drink. And on and on.
Another thing that's better is just being present with my kids. And I'm not talking about how I wasn't present just when I was drinking.. it was most of the day .. thinking about drinking or trying to not drink. And I feel like I was basically always trying to run away from them, to just get to the end of the day so I could 'relax' with a drink. This past week - and I know it's early days - I have actually spent time with them, just sat with them. I have spent time out with them, at a cafe, at the mall, just having fun. I'm no longer stressed waiting for my husband to get home at 5:20. I now feel like it's no big deal. I can just sit with them at the end of the day... lay on the carpet and let them crawl all over me. I'm just more relaxed.
Is this actually possible? In one week? I love that drinking is just not an option. The first week I 'quit' before I had my friday night binge, I was sad the whole week when I thought of certain things - how would I celebrate New Year's without a drink? Next week we're going away, it's sad I'm the only one who won't be drinking... etc etc. Now I feel relief. I know I won't drink. I still have to figure out HOW I won't drink but I know I won't. It's not even an option for me.
Today is the first Saturday I have woken up in as long as I can remember not being hungover or still drunk. Today I woke up satisfied. Happy with myself. Tired, but still happy inside.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
The Magic Wand Theory
It's funny, when I thought about quitting drinking I had this whole host of reasons and ideas about why it would be good. I guess I thought that once I quit drinking, my life would immediately be better and all the things in life that are difficult and troublesome will magically dissapear.
Unfortunately, as I'm finding, there is no magic wand. Life hasn't just become completely wonderful over night. I'm still exhausted at the end of the day. I still fall asleep in my chair watching tv sometimes, I'm still too tired to sew and work on my business at night. My oldest son still doesn't go to bed easily. My house is still a mess. I'm often still overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do as a mostly stay at home mum who works part time and is starting her own business. I mean just keeping up with the laundry and cooking and the constant demands of a 1 and 3 year old is hard enough!
I do get overwhelmed. I used to get overwhelmed and think 'at least I can have a drink at the end of the day and that will make it all ok'. And of course I'd feel ok because I had an excuse to drink. Now... well I actually caught myself thinking the other day 'oh well, it's tough but at least I don't have to drink tonight'. Not sure why - I guess it's because when I drink I stay up later, and of course feel worse the next day.
Overall, I'm doing ok. I'm a bit stressed at times but I'm ok. I have lots of good things in my life and thinking about them makes me happy and relieves me a bit. I know I am doing a good thing, what is best for me and what is best for my family. At least I am not beating myself up all day. But ya, no magic wand!
Unfortunately, as I'm finding, there is no magic wand. Life hasn't just become completely wonderful over night. I'm still exhausted at the end of the day. I still fall asleep in my chair watching tv sometimes, I'm still too tired to sew and work on my business at night. My oldest son still doesn't go to bed easily. My house is still a mess. I'm often still overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do as a mostly stay at home mum who works part time and is starting her own business. I mean just keeping up with the laundry and cooking and the constant demands of a 1 and 3 year old is hard enough!
I do get overwhelmed. I used to get overwhelmed and think 'at least I can have a drink at the end of the day and that will make it all ok'. And of course I'd feel ok because I had an excuse to drink. Now... well I actually caught myself thinking the other day 'oh well, it's tough but at least I don't have to drink tonight'. Not sure why - I guess it's because when I drink I stay up later, and of course feel worse the next day.
Overall, I'm doing ok. I'm a bit stressed at times but I'm ok. I have lots of good things in my life and thinking about them makes me happy and relieves me a bit. I know I am doing a good thing, what is best for me and what is best for my family. At least I am not beating myself up all day. But ya, no magic wand!
Sunday 2 October 2011
I'm so stressed out
Today started off good enough... dropped hubbie at work and took the kids to the mall for a bit of a play and some lunch before taking my youngest to an appointment at 2 pm. ... The kids fell asleep in the car after lunch and I had brought my book so I was all settled in to read a bit while the kids slept. I thought I better double check the appointment time for my baby and noticed it was 1pm and not 2. Ugh, had to race to the hospital to make it there on time and had to wake the boys so we could go in. I had no 'me time' what-so-ever and had thought I would get some.
We go in the hospital, and the woman at radiology are always quite curt and give a pretty good growl if you are late so I was happy I arrived at 3 minutes to 1. We had to wait 15 min for the appt, no prob. We go in and my little guy had to have an ultrasound... this was something they picked up when I was pregnant, he has an enlarged kidney. It's nothing to be concerned about, they assure me, so I don't worry. But still, I think it is still very difficult for me to have my youngest have anything wrong with him. So my oldes (3yrs old) sat very nicely and drew a picture while I held my baby (16 months) as he wriggled about. The technician was very friendly so that was great, but it took a long time and both of us were (literally) overheated by the end. It was hard to hold my 12kg 'little' guy as she prodded him.
So we came home and I saw my parents had skyped a few times. So I reluctantly called them back. Reluctantly because I knew I was stressed out and I just wanted to take a breather. But because they had called so many times, I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. I also know calling at 3pm my time is 10pm their time and that they'll be drunk because they start drinking at 4. Sure enough, my mom was on to red wine, which is always her last drink of the night, after dinner and after she's had enough white wine. And don't they start in on me about getting something done before I come visit? Of course they do.
Here's the story - we want to baptize baby when we're home but we need a letter from a priest here - which my husband said he'll take care of... Conversation goes something like this:
Them: Have you gotten that letter from the priest yet?
Me: No, but it's on my list
Them: you really need to get it or else you can't get him baptised here
Me: I said I'd get it
Mom: I told your dad this would happen and I don't want to upset you but we need that letter
Me: Don't worry about it, I'll get it (I'm getting angrier here). If I don't, then we just won't be able to get him baptised (wrong thing to say)
Them: We're dealing with a new priest here and we don't want to call him unless we know you have that letter
Me: I said I'd get it and I would.. I'm 38 years old, I don't need reminders to get things done
Dad: Well I'm 67 and I need reminders all the time
Me: Well reminding me is ok, but I don't need to be pressured. I've had a rough day (I go on to explain why - and of course they've already grilled me to 'reassure them' that nothing is wrong with baby)
Them: Well I guess we just picked a bad day to ask you then (thanks for the support parents, thanks for the comfort and telling me it'll be ok with baby - whatever)
Me: Well I wasn't going to answer because I am having a rough day but I saw you called and sent a bunch of messages so I wanted to make sure everything was ok
Them: We always do that
Me: Yes, but today I wouldn't have answered but you sent messages
Them: We always call a lot
ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH - is this conversation frustrating you as much as it frustrated me??????
We go in the hospital, and the woman at radiology are always quite curt and give a pretty good growl if you are late so I was happy I arrived at 3 minutes to 1. We had to wait 15 min for the appt, no prob. We go in and my little guy had to have an ultrasound... this was something they picked up when I was pregnant, he has an enlarged kidney. It's nothing to be concerned about, they assure me, so I don't worry. But still, I think it is still very difficult for me to have my youngest have anything wrong with him. So my oldes (3yrs old) sat very nicely and drew a picture while I held my baby (16 months) as he wriggled about. The technician was very friendly so that was great, but it took a long time and both of us were (literally) overheated by the end. It was hard to hold my 12kg 'little' guy as she prodded him.
So we came home and I saw my parents had skyped a few times. So I reluctantly called them back. Reluctantly because I knew I was stressed out and I just wanted to take a breather. But because they had called so many times, I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. I also know calling at 3pm my time is 10pm their time and that they'll be drunk because they start drinking at 4. Sure enough, my mom was on to red wine, which is always her last drink of the night, after dinner and after she's had enough white wine. And don't they start in on me about getting something done before I come visit? Of course they do.
Here's the story - we want to baptize baby when we're home but we need a letter from a priest here - which my husband said he'll take care of... Conversation goes something like this:
Them: Have you gotten that letter from the priest yet?
Me: No, but it's on my list
Them: you really need to get it or else you can't get him baptised here
Me: I said I'd get it
Mom: I told your dad this would happen and I don't want to upset you but we need that letter
Me: Don't worry about it, I'll get it (I'm getting angrier here). If I don't, then we just won't be able to get him baptised (wrong thing to say)
Them: We're dealing with a new priest here and we don't want to call him unless we know you have that letter
Me: I said I'd get it and I would.. I'm 38 years old, I don't need reminders to get things done
Dad: Well I'm 67 and I need reminders all the time
Me: Well reminding me is ok, but I don't need to be pressured. I've had a rough day (I go on to explain why - and of course they've already grilled me to 'reassure them' that nothing is wrong with baby)
Them: Well I guess we just picked a bad day to ask you then (thanks for the support parents, thanks for the comfort and telling me it'll be ok with baby - whatever)
Me: Well I wasn't going to answer because I am having a rough day but I saw you called and sent a bunch of messages so I wanted to make sure everything was ok
Them: We always do that
Me: Yes, but today I wouldn't have answered but you sent messages
Them: We always call a lot
ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH - is this conversation frustrating you as much as it frustrated me??????
Saturday 1 October 2011
And so, I drank
Yes. You heard me. I wanted to have a drink on Friday night and I thought 'Well since I went through the whole week without drinking, I just want to have 1 or 2 and that's it. I'm sure I can do it, I've gone all week without a drink'.
You guessed it, I couldn't. Before I started drinking, I really REALLY only wanted 2 glasses of wine. As soon as the bottle was opened though, that thought never crossed my mind again until I woke the next morning. As soon as I started drinking, all my thoughts of moderation just disappeared - it wasn't even conscious... I honestly only wanted a glass or two before I started but it's like having my first sip erradicated that whole thought process like it never even existed.
So I drank. I drank heaps - no idea how much... I had friends visiting from Canada (my home country) and I knew they'd want to have a drink... then one of my good friends (that I always have friday drinks with) sent me a text and boom, it was like a conditioned response and I wanted a drink. Actually it wasn't like a conditioned response.. it was a conditioned response... I saw her name and I wanted a drink. Anyway, I didn't eat dinner, I don't remember the end of the night, I don't remember going to bed or how I got there and when I woke I saw there was no wine left. So I must have drank a lot.
And I had the worst hangover known to mankind. I think part of it was the amount I drank (obviously) but the other part was that I had woken 4 days last week with no hangover. Up til then I probably didn't realise how bad my hangovers were or even that I had one because I woke up feeling that way every day. Not Saturday.. man I felt like total crap. I actually felt like there was poison in my body. I felt horrible.
But this time it was different. I didn't spend the day beating myself up emotionally. That's my usual m.o. This time I didn't. Instead I was very kind to myself. It was another realisation in my journey. I wanted to have one or two, I tested it out, and I failed miserably. But at least I know. At least I've tried it and I know I can't drink in moderation, and that I have no interest in drinking in moderation once I start.
I hope I don't have to test this out any more and that I've finally learned this lesson. But even if I haven't, I have realised that for me this is a journey. It's not a simple matter of drawing a line in the sand and saying 'that's it, no more drink for me' and it being done and dusted. It's a process, and I feel that as long as I am heading in the right direction, then I am doing ok. Friday night I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a couple and be satisfied. I realised that I was right all along... I can't.
You guessed it, I couldn't. Before I started drinking, I really REALLY only wanted 2 glasses of wine. As soon as the bottle was opened though, that thought never crossed my mind again until I woke the next morning. As soon as I started drinking, all my thoughts of moderation just disappeared - it wasn't even conscious... I honestly only wanted a glass or two before I started but it's like having my first sip erradicated that whole thought process like it never even existed.
So I drank. I drank heaps - no idea how much... I had friends visiting from Canada (my home country) and I knew they'd want to have a drink... then one of my good friends (that I always have friday drinks with) sent me a text and boom, it was like a conditioned response and I wanted a drink. Actually it wasn't like a conditioned response.. it was a conditioned response... I saw her name and I wanted a drink. Anyway, I didn't eat dinner, I don't remember the end of the night, I don't remember going to bed or how I got there and when I woke I saw there was no wine left. So I must have drank a lot.
And I had the worst hangover known to mankind. I think part of it was the amount I drank (obviously) but the other part was that I had woken 4 days last week with no hangover. Up til then I probably didn't realise how bad my hangovers were or even that I had one because I woke up feeling that way every day. Not Saturday.. man I felt like total crap. I actually felt like there was poison in my body. I felt horrible.
But this time it was different. I didn't spend the day beating myself up emotionally. That's my usual m.o. This time I didn't. Instead I was very kind to myself. It was another realisation in my journey. I wanted to have one or two, I tested it out, and I failed miserably. But at least I know. At least I've tried it and I know I can't drink in moderation, and that I have no interest in drinking in moderation once I start.
I hope I don't have to test this out any more and that I've finally learned this lesson. But even if I haven't, I have realised that for me this is a journey. It's not a simple matter of drawing a line in the sand and saying 'that's it, no more drink for me' and it being done and dusted. It's a process, and I feel that as long as I am heading in the right direction, then I am doing ok. Friday night I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a couple and be satisfied. I realised that I was right all along... I can't.
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