Lie #1 - I drink to relax
Right. At the end of a day, sure it's nice to unwind. Some people have a drink to do so. Some go for a run, others read a book, have a cup of tea etc. I say to myself that I drink to relax. Just one (it's never just one). What's relaxing about drinking, getting drunk, not remembering things, passing out and waking in the morning only to beat myself up about it. Clearly this cycle is anything but relaxing. Mind you it does stop me from doing the 101 chores I could be doing. I stop dead in my tracks once I crack the bottle of wine. That first drink does relax me.. but it doesn't stop there. I don't drink to relax. I drink to get drunk.
Lie #2 I can control it
For some reason I think I can control it. I'm not really sure why since it is probably pretty clear I can not. I open a bottle of wine and it's as good as finished.
Lie #3 I'll just have one
Nope, that doesn't happen either. It is NEVER just one. Sometimes it is just two (which is actually 4 right because my wine glass is holds 2 standard drinks when full, not one) but it is never just one. Even when it is just two I'm always thinking about having another. And if I don't have another it's only because I am proving that I can stop, not because I want to. This is something I've read others say too.
Lie #4 I can stop any time I want
I stopped during both pregnancies so I can stop anytime right? Wrong. I stopped because it was for someone else. I couldn't handle the guilt of doing it to my baby. Made me wonder why I don't care that much about myself. Regardless, when I can drink, I do. And now that I've stopped breastfeeding, my drinking has increased hugely.
Lie #5 This is my last big weekend, then I'll quit
This weekend coming up will be my 3rd 'last weekend' of drinking before I quit. Clearly even drawing a line in the sand doesn't do it for me.
Lie #6 There's nothing else for me
I am mostly a stay at home Mum and work 6 hours a week. I feel that there is no time for me, and that alcohol is a way for me to do something for myself when I can't do anything else. Like I can't just start sewing while the kids are here or read a book or take a bath... so I drink because I can do it at the end of the day and have that time for myself, that 'break'. I can see though that if I could wait just another 3 hours I'd be fine, the kids would be in bed and I could do anything I want. But that 3 hours is an eternity. No, that's a lie too. I would rather drink and that's why I do.
Lie #7 I have too much to do - everything falls on my shoulders
Raising two young boys, working part time, and it seems the majority of the household chores are mine... I feel like there is so much that I am overwhelmed and can't do it all so I have the excuse to drink to 'deal with it'. Last night I wondered if I was purposely picking a fight with my hubbie because then it'd be ok that I drank. It would be justified. What kind of horrible path will this lead me down? And seriously, ya I do have heaps to do... but when my day ends at 4pm no wonder I don't have time for myself/ time to get stuff done. The same reason I drink (to wind down/ relax) is exactly the same thing that keeps me from doing those things I enjoy and having that time for myself.
Lie #8 Drinking doesn't affect my life
Ok so I don't miss work because of alcohol, I don't lay in bed all day or all morning... I get up, go to the gym, come home and set about my day. Drinking doesn't affect my day to day operation... though in reality it does. Waking up and feeling like crap, brushing my teeth and tongue 50 times to get rid of the red stains so no one will know, being tired and worn out... these are all things that have to affect my life. Not to mention I'd probably have more patience with the kids if I wasn't so ...
Lie#9 It is just a habit, not an addiction
I think that since my pregnancies I just got back into the habit of drinking every night. I seem to think if I can just break the habit then I can stop drinking so much. But really, if I could do that, I'd just do it and not be writing about it and thinking about it all day.
Lie # 10 - I'm not that bad
Like I said, I don't miss work, I get stuff done, I look fine, I don't drink before 4 pm (most days), I don't drink out of a paper bag, I don't drink and drive.. so I'm not that bad. But then I think... I drink a bottle of wine 6 nights a week (more on weekends). That is that bad, isn't it?
Great Post!! So true how we lie to ourselves so we can continue to drink. Alcohol will tell you all those things are true, but when you look at it you know they are just excuses.
ReplyDeleteThankfully we can always not drink for today!!
Good Luck to you!!
You are me. I am you. My story is so similar to yours, except I'm just a little further ahead in exercising my brain as hard as I can to retrain it to live without all the wine I've been pouring down my throat. We can do this! Mrs D xxx
ReplyDeleteRosie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. I just found your blog and this is my first read. Are you sober now? I remember the last week I was drinking I sat outside the liquor store and came to realize that it was Friday and I had already been here 4 times that week. I bought the same big bottle of wine as I did the four days prior and told myself 'of course no one notices, look at all the other drunks in here, I am all together, dressed well and drive a decent car. there's no way they can think I have a problem. Plus! Maybe I am having company, and others are going to drink what I buy.' What an idiot.