So I've been drinking, every day again. Still. I'm trying so hard to break it but I can't seem to do it. I can easily justify it because of the stress of my life... but then I can easily see that drinking does not make it better. That it makes it worse.
It's hard because I constantly ask is this just a habit or an addiction. Then a few days ago I read a post on the Drinking Diaries about Chardonnay Housewives and it spoke to me. Especially this line: '...Dublin doctor who specializes in addiction, sees is the one who had engaged in “social, sitting at home, bottle of wine” kind of drinking, which at first seems harmless. The problem is when the ritual moves into a habit, then a full-blown craving, and finally, a need.'
And I think... that is totally me. It has now become a need. And I do crave it. The other day I actually had the shakes and that scared the crap out of me. And at the same time I felt strangely relieved because now I know it's a problem.
I was going to make an appointment with my Dr but I made the mistake of talking to my husband about it. I say mistake becuase he doesn't understand it. He sees me as a person in total control and just says 'if you want to drink, drink. Don't feel guilty about it'. And I"m realising that he's not a jerk, he just doesn't get it. I don't want to drink and I drink. I want to drink and I drink. I swear I won't drink and I drink. It has nothing to do with want anymore. And I always feel guilty. I wake at 2 am and lie there beating myself up, swearing I won't drink today... I lay awake for hours. In the morning, I slowly start to realise that I will drink today.
The other line in the article that hit home with me was: ' ... given the Russian Roulette nature of addiction (you don’t know you’re an addict until you’re hooked, and then the denial kicks in)...' which is of course where I sit right now... but then it goes on to say '...it might be a good idea for women to learn to untangle wine from need, and make it a weekend treat instead of something to look forward to “each and every day."' which makes me feel like I can do what I want - control it and keep it to the weekends. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get to that point.
I have no idea how to kick this. It seems bigger than what I can do on my own. I try to not drink, I try to control/ limit the alcohol but I'm realising that I can't just do it on my own. I'm going to call the doctor today and talk to her about it. I'm so embarrased though. I don't want to admit my problem to her. I don't want her to realise what a mess I am.
I really connect with your words, with your honesty. I'm in a similar place right now. I really look up to and take inspiration from the bloggers like One Crafty Mother and many others, but sometimes they feel too far away. Like I can see the destination but just don't know how to find that road, much less how to travel it. So reading your blog is just like finding someone else on the same path as me.
ReplyDeleteHi there - nice to 'meet' you.. thanks for stopping by my blog. I've just popped over to yours and love the way you write. I know what you mean when you say you don't know how to find the road, much less travel it. It's hard when we don't know what we want - or we know what we want but don't really want it (living sober). I think it's all a work in progress. I know a few of these bloggers have been on the very same road and are now sober... but it took them a year or more of going back and forth before making the decision to live sober. They remind me that the great thing is that we are being honest right now... and that's a start.
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