Another sad Monday

Well I haven't written because - you guessed it - I've been drinking.  We've had family visiting for the past week and a bit and of course I've used it as an excuse to break my 'no drinking during the week rule'.  And it all came to the final epic drink I had at a wedding this past weekend.  No, I didn't do anything stupid, I was fine.  But I woke yesterday (Sunday) just feeling like total crap.  I was physically ill for most of the early hours of the morning.  Thankfully the kids stayed overnight at a friend's so I could recover.  But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain.  And not just the beating myself up.. but also the feeling of just being so down.

And I still feel that way today.  I know a couple of weeks ago I wrote that I thought drinking on the weekend was part of the reason for my monday morning blues... but wondered if it was also because I was on my own on Mondays.. but I don't feel that way when I'm on my own on Wednesdays.  But also - today I still have company here and I still feel so lonely and down and have a hollow, empty feeling in my chest.  I often felt this way throughout my drinking 'career' .... just so yuck the next day.  Course this lessened during those times that I decided not to stop drinking just because it was a weekday. 

The more I carry on with this drinking, the more clear it becomes to me.  I can't just keep drinking on the weekends.  For one, it just keeps the door open to having 'just one' drink during the week (which inevitably will become more) and also because feeling this way is just so horrible.

But then why do I still feel like on Friday night I'll want to have a drink?  What is it that I am getting out of it?  Or is it just a habit?  Very down.  Just want this to stop :(