That's right. I am staying strong in my resolve and not even allowing myself one thought of 'maybe'. Today I am not going to drink. I have decided that since Monday nights have the one or two tv shows that my husband and I like, I'm not going to drink today and instead I'm going to do everything I can to look forward to that time together at the end of the day when our kids are asleep.
It's a good day for it too. Both kids are in care and I'm at home by myself. I can do anything I want until 3pm and I'm going to. Then they can come home, we'll have a snack (so I won't be hungry because that's always when I want to drink- it has the greatest and quickest effect on an empty stomach!). And we'll wait to have dinner with my hubby at 5:30. Once he's home and I've eaten, I'm in the clear. Just need to get through from 3:30 to 5:30. But I'm strong in my resolve.
I've been to the doctor. It was quite good going, she did a physical exam so I know the alcohol hasn't destroyed me (yet). She told me I'm not an alcoholic. In some ways that is good to hear but in others it was a bit dissapointing. I know I'm not an alcoholic, but if I was, there would be no other way than to quit. This sort of opens the door to moderation etc. She referred me to an alcohol counsellor. One that is local (before I had to drive 40 minutes to the one I was seeing).
I went to the alcohol counsellor on Friday. She is part of the Salvation Army Bridge Programme which I had never heard of before. We spent about an hour and a half discussing basically my medical history. I have an appointment on Wednesday this week and she said this week we are going to delve in to my alcohol history in depth and also work on some coping strategies. My only requirement is that I need to be sober for the 24 hours before going. So that means no drinking tomorrow either. I'm determined to do this. I feel like crap today so it will be somewhat easy not to drink today.
Friday's appointment was a bit difficult. I had to talk about a couple of things that I tend not to think are a big deal but given her reaction, they probably are. Friday night my husband and I had a few drinks and we had a real heart to heart about our move. The rest of the weekend was pretty good as we are on a real positive note with our relationship, our move and our lives on the whole. So for this reason, I feel less the need to drink and more the need to sit on the couch and have a cuppa and a relaxing time together. He really opened up to me and I now see the troubles he is going through as well. We have a great game plan for the move and what we are going to do once we get there.
But I still drank heaps last night. A bottle of red and a bunch of bubbly because that was the only thing left in the house. I woke at 2 am and started my ritual of regret but at least I could tell myself 'I'm doing something about it'. I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor.
I was going to spend the day working on my business but instead I think I'll just relax. I need to keep in this frame of mind. I'm a bit lonely today too. Maybe I need a bit more sleep.
Hi Rosie, I can really relate to your story, on many levels; I look out for your blogs eagerly and have noticed they have dropped off lately. I hope it isn't because you think nobody is listening. I have wanted to respond to probably your last 5 blogs in particular, but such is my hectic schedule, I never do seem to find the time. Which is really bad, and I apologise. These blogs (moreover the people who write them) are such a source of solidarity for me and I think part of the reason it "works" is because people give back; one writes, one responds.
ReplyDeleteI have been where you seem to be right at the moment. I've been trying to get my drinking under control for several years now. I know all too well the guilty awakenings at 5am, where the events of the previous night trickle into my mind. When I begin to beat myself up. When I descend into a panic that I'm slowly but surely killing myself. Me, for the moment, I'm trying out being totally sober. It's been about a month (I'm not counting, because I'm still not sure it's a decision "for good") and things are definitely better, but it is HARD. I miss alcohol every day. And if I'm totally honest, I am holding onto the hope that I can learn to moderate (even though I know deep down I don't like one drink, I like five drinks).
I've seen a string of counsellors over the years, but only one was experienced with drug and alcohol addiction (in fact specifically trained). She was by far the best. The other counsellors brought out a lot of stuff from the past - deap seated emotional issues that definitely hold some clues as to why I drink; but this approach didn't help me. In some ways, it brought that stuff back and I only drank harder. The alcohol counsellor by contrast started at the other end; the alcohol DEPENDENCE as she called it. And then helped me understand my triggers and devise strategies to overcome it. She also used a fair bit of "scare tactics" (how bad it is for my health and how much more likely i am to get cancer, etc etc). That worked for me.
Having said that, I only saw her for 4 months, and I never went sober the whole time. After that period she recommended that we cease until I was ready "to take it seriously". She thought I needed more time.
That was 2 years ago. And she was right. I did need more time. Sadly I can't go back to see her (we're in a different city). I think I might be ready.
Anyway, hope hearing from someone else helps. Please do update your blog! Come back soon!
Hey WMS - are you still checking in?? Thanks so much for your post. I saw it when I was on holiday and wanting to forget my life. I spiraled again but I'm hoping that I'm back now. Thank you so much for your post, for sure I wonder if anyone listens/ cares/ thinks I'm just whinging about life! I hope you are doing well. Please write/ post/ advise/ commiserate as you see fit. I read your two blog posts and was enthralled.
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