Well I stopped posting here because after I made it through day 2 I convinced myself (along with help from others who don't know the whole truth about my drinking) that I don't need to give up. I convinced myself that it is under control, that I'm not 'that bad' and that as long as I could moderate my drinking, I could still drink.
So the first night that I made that decision, Wednesday, I had 2 glasses of wine.... which I drank over a long period of time (took me over an hour to drink my first drink). I felt really cozy and nicely warm... I went to bed, woke up and felt good. The same thing happened the second night. I was feeling great - partly because I was moderating my drinking and enjoying it, and partly because I had convinced myself that I didn't in fact need to stop. That I could moderate it.
Then came Friday. I returned to my old tricks and stocked up big time on wine 'just in case' I ran out. I think I probably drank close to a bottle and a half of wine... not sure. Friday night is the big drinking night for me and my hubby.. where we hang out and have a few drinks. I ended up 'falling asleep' on the couch around 8:30. Repeat on Saturday. Repeat on Sunday.
On Monday I felt moderately bad. Still drank. Tuesday I drank because I could, even though I felt awful and didn't want to. Today I decided that I would go the next two days without drinking and at about 1:30 pm I renegged on that decision too.
So here I am, 4pm and having a glass of wine.
It has become apparent to me once again that I can not control my alcohol. But I don't want to believe that because I don't want to give it up. This constant push and pull is insanity!
Thanks for sharing. Keep trying. I understand that it's pretty great out there once you get past the withdrawal and make sobriety a way of life.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying along with you.
I've been where you are, so many times. I tried EVERYTHING I could think of to avoid stopping altogether. Everything. I had to prove to myself over and over that I couldn't control - I mean for YEARS - until I finally surrendered. In those years I nearly lost everything, including my life. One thing I didn't do, though? Was talk about it, like you're doing here. It was my deep, dark secret until it got so bad that everyone knew and nobody questioned whether I needed to stop. I think it's amazing that you're telling your truth, looking hard at yourself. My hope is that it will spare you years of pain.
ReplyDeleteKeep talking. I'm listening.
-Ellie
Moderation can be just like torture - if you know you can't live with alcohol, by all means get rid of it and get on with your life as soon as you can.
ReplyDeleteI knew alcohol was my special friend when I was a teenager, definitely by the time I was 21. But I thought it was like that for everyone, so I kept at it, and kept getting burned and living with anxiety and depression from it.
If you have the chance now, try for everything to get rid of it. I went to my GP and was prescribed anatabuse, which makes you vomit if you have any alcohol, (even in deodorant for example)and after taking a tablet everyday for a couple of months, was through with the physical addiction. Plus, you'll get some valium or whatever for relaxing and getting off to sleep.
So see you GP, and get started, there's no use trying moderation, it's literally torture.
Good Luck, just found your blog today..