So I've been going to AA meetings on Monday nights. I've eluded to this in earlier posts so here I am to talk about it. I've been to 3 Monday night meetings, tonight will be my 4th. I have a sponsor and she has come to my house once a week since I started with AA and she stays for about an hour. We read from 'The Big Book'.
The thing is, I don't really think AA is for me. I am hesitant to be blatently honest about my thoughts and feelings on AA because I don't want to offend anyone but I need to get this off my chest.
Ok, I love meeting up with other alcoholics and I do love hearing their stories. I relate to them more than I don't in that it seems to be a problem of control, and not how much one drinks or how often one drinks. It is good for me to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone. It's also something to look forward to when I'm having a bad time and I know that I can express my hard time with other people who understand.
But that's where the joy of AA ends for me. As with many groups, there is the gossip, the expert, the forboding warner of failing... etc etc. Also, the only requirement for someone in AA is meant to be the desire to stop drinking. BUT... they recommend that you follow the 12 steps, that you go to at least 3 meetings a week (a week!!) and meet with your sponsor once a week. And they strongly suggest this. Repeatedly. And you have to accept that you are powerless to alcohol and that only God (or your higher power of choice) can stop you from drinking. That you have no mental defence against that first drink.
I have several problems with this. The first is that I'm not totally sure that alcoholism is a disease. The second is that they say I have to admit that I can not control alcohol (fair enough) and that my life was out of control. My drinking was out of control, but my life wasn't out of control. I mean it definitely wasn't ideal and I was really tired and felt unwell most of the time but it wasn't out of control. I didn't have my kids taken off me, I didn't get told to go to AA (quite the opposite, in fact). I didn't hit rock bottom. I chose to go because I wanted a better life. My decision. My choice to stop drinking. Which they also don't believe in. I've only gotten as far as the second step so I don't really know what else is to come.
Another thing is that my sponsor comes over and we just read from 'The Big Book' which is the AA handbook... we just read. We don't really discuss what sort of problems we are facing with not drinking or how to deal with things... because apparently the answers are all there in the book. I'd rather discuss and work together to find soloutions.
Every meeting the new-ish people say that they look to the ones who have been there for a long time and the newbies say 'I want what they have'. I think to myself.. I don't! I don't want to be sitting here in 7 years, going to 3 AA meetings a week discussing how I am an alcoholic and how I am still working on it every day. Three meetings a week for 7 years?! That almost takes up more of my time than drinking did (almost).
Which leads me to my final problem and perhaps the biggest one that I have. AA is fraught with Catch-22s. If you don't believe in these steps you are doomed to fail. If you don't believe that your life with alcohol was out of control then you are doomed to fall off the wagon. If you don't go to 3 meetings a week then you are complacent and you will drink again.
There is no recognition of other methods used in conjunction with group meetings to get off the booze. For these reasons I don't think AA is for me. But... I keep going to my one meeting a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week. Why? For sure I like meeting up with other alcoholics and talking to them and hearing their stories. Also because I feel I need that bit of a safety net... having a group of people supporting me and there for me and to help me through potential rough times. And also, sadly, because I'm not sure if they're right or not and I'm a bit worried that maybe I am in denial and they're right - that I'm doing exactly what will make me drink in the long run. I don't really believe that, but I'm so new to this that I'm a bit scared and don't want to take the chance.
i totally get everything you are writing here. i dipped my toe into AA and quit drinking for one month in 2006. at the time, i had one son a little over a year old. was not a daily drinker and was not ready. i continued to drink and have another baby. when she was weaned in 2009, i became a daily drinker...wine and only after 5 except on the weekends or vacation, etc. i started going to meetings again. would get a few weeks and drink. i am not religious and i was turned off by a lot of the AA shit. my life was not out of control. the only thing that was unmanageable was my drinking. if i had one, i would want another. i was able to only have one or two but would definitely want more. the unpredicable outcome of my drinking is what became predictable. 7 or 8 out of 10 times, things would be okay but those 2 or 3 other blackout nights were wretched. the unmanagable part was the fact that i couldn't stop drinking and that i wasn't making the choice..the obsessive thoughts and time i spent thinking about drinking or not drinking was the kicker. that is not normal. in three weeks, i will have two years without a drop of Vino. AA worked for me. the steps helped and what helped me was being willing to do the work. what you are working through in the steps would be beneficial for anyone, not only alcoholics. who doesn't want to be tolerant,kind, experience serenity? being willing is what has kept me sober. still don't believe in God and am geeked out at the AA slogans. try a lot of meetings. find women you relate to. giving up my best friend and outlet, wine, was the most difficult thing i've ever done. but it is so worth it. today i am a much better mother, wife and me.
ReplyDeleteI am ambivalent towards AA too.
ReplyDeleteReading the book, reading through the steps, chanting some of the mantras - it is all positive and helpful but it is not an either / or position.
I have not been to an AA meeting so far and am not sure if I will yet, although I think it would be great to talk with other alcoholics about staying sober.
So don't feel failure or drinking is the other side of not attending AA, you can manage a successful sobriety yourself so long as you commit to it. And having a blog for reflection is a fantastic tool to work for regular updates.