The Magic Wand Theory

It's funny, when I thought about quitting drinking I had this whole host of reasons and ideas about why it would be good.  I guess I thought that once I quit drinking, my life would immediately be better and all the things in life that are difficult and troublesome will magically dissapear.

Unfortunately, as I'm finding, there is no magic wand.  Life hasn't just become completely wonderful over night.  I'm still exhausted at the end of the day.  I still fall asleep in my chair watching tv sometimes, I'm still too tired to sew and work on my business at night.  My oldest son still doesn't go to bed easily.  My house is still a mess.  I'm often still overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do as a mostly stay at home mum who works part time and is starting her own business.  I mean just keeping up with the laundry and cooking and the constant demands of a 1 and 3 year old is hard enough!

I do get overwhelmed.  I used to get overwhelmed and think 'at least I can have a drink at the end of the day and that will make it all ok'.  And of course I'd feel ok because I had an excuse to drink.  Now... well I actually caught myself thinking the other day 'oh well, it's tough but at least I don't have to drink tonight'.  Not sure why - I guess it's because when I drink I stay up later, and of course feel worse the next day.

Overall, I'm doing ok.  I'm a bit stressed at times but I'm ok.  I have lots of good things in my life and thinking about them makes me happy and relieves me a bit.  I know I am doing a good thing, what is best for me and what is best for my family.  At least I am not beating myself up all day.  But ya, no magic wand!

Ugh!

I woke up at 3 am totally disgusted with myself for drinking last night... a bottle I think.  All I wanted to do was work on my quilt and even asked my husband if it was ok.  He said yes, but hopped on the computer so the kids were crawling all over me.  I said should I stop and he said yes and we all went in the lounge and sat around.  Why couldn't he have just watched the kids while I did a bit of sewing? 

So I drank to get away.

And I woke this morning vowing not to drink tonight.  It's 8:30am and I've already changed my mind.  My morning has gone like this:  get coffee ready, make milo for the kids, make breakfast, pack lunches... quickly shower before my husband leaves for work at 7:30 am.  He leaves, feed kids more (they are eating machines these days!), call my parents on skype... kids crawling all over me, parents trying to talk over them... little one shoving crackers down my top... tidy kitchen a bit, put laundry in baskets, get kids dressed ... and now I have to drop the kids at care and go to work!  I know this is a huge excuse.  I know it is.  But this is why I drink.  This is my treat for myself after doing all this stuff all day.  It's my reprieve.  It's an easy escape.  I could try to wait til 7:30 to do my sewing but it seems so far away.  I feel like everyone is always demanding something from me and alcohol is my way to deal with it.  I know it makes it worse.  I know being hungover stops me from being able to deal with things better.  But alcohol is my learned response.  It is easy.  It is immediate.

Must run, kids are demanding again.  Sigh.