And so, I drank

Yes.  You heard me.  I wanted to have a drink on Friday night and I thought 'Well since I went through the whole week without drinking, I just want to have 1 or 2 and that's it.   I'm sure I can do it, I've gone all week without a drink'. 

You guessed it, I couldn't.  Before I started drinking, I really REALLY only wanted 2 glasses of wine.  As soon as the bottle was opened though, that thought never crossed my mind again until I woke the next morning.  As soon as I started drinking, all my thoughts of moderation just disappeared - it wasn't even conscious...  I honestly only wanted a glass or two before I started but it's like having my first sip erradicated that whole thought process like it never even existed.

So I drank.  I drank heaps - no idea how much... I had friends visiting from Canada (my home country) and I knew they'd want to have a drink... then one of my good friends (that I always have friday drinks with) sent me a text and boom, it was like a conditioned response and I wanted a drink.  Actually it wasn't like a conditioned response.. it was a conditioned response... I saw her name and I wanted a drink.  Anyway, I didn't eat dinner, I don't remember the end of the night, I don't remember going to bed or how I got there and when I woke I saw there was no wine left.  So I must  have drank a lot.

And I had the worst hangover known to mankind.  I think part of it was the amount I drank (obviously) but the other part was that I had woken 4 days last week with no hangover.  Up til then I probably didn't realise how bad my hangovers were or even that I had one because I woke up feeling that way every day.  Not Saturday.. man I felt like total crap.  I actually felt like there was poison in my body.  I felt horrible.

But this time it was different.  I didn't spend the day beating myself up emotionally.  That's my usual m.o.  This time I didn't.  Instead I was very kind to myself.  It was another realisation in my journey.  I wanted to have one or two, I tested it out, and I failed miserably.  But at least I know.  At least I've tried it and I know I can't drink in moderation, and that I have no interest in drinking in moderation once I start. 

I hope I don't have to test this out any more and that I've finally learned this lesson.  But even if I haven't, I have realised that for me this is a journey.  It's not a simple matter of drawing a line in the sand and saying 'that's it, no more drink for me' and it being done and dusted.  It's a process, and I feel that as long as I am heading in the right direction, then I am doing ok.  Friday night I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a couple and be satisfied.  I realised that I was right all along... I can't.