Reasons to Quit Drinking

You know, I have several reasons to quit drinking... These include, but are not limited to: wanting to feel better, look better, lose weight, remember things, not feel like I have to take crap I shouldn't just because I want to have a drink, have better skin, be better hydrated, have my evenings back, get more things done, read a book in the evening, sew, create, etc etc etc.  I have many reasons to quit... but one reason I never thought of? 

I want to have a better life without alcohol.

This was something I never even thought of.  It never crossed my mind until I went to my first AA meeting last night and heard other people talking about life after alcohol.  See I ALWAYS assumed that life without alcohol would be lacking in some way.  Going to a party and not drinking?  Obviously it will always feel like something is missing.  Why bother going at all?  But yesterday, listening to people talk, I started thinking... hmm... maybe my life will actually be better without alcohol.  And not just better in the "I won't be drunk all the time and miss out on life and black out and do dumb things" kind of way... but in the "Life can actually be enjoyable and good without alcohol" kind of way. 

So I went to my first AA meeting.  I'm still not convinced that I'm an alcoholic, but I do feel like I fit in there more than I don't.  I am going to do the steps.  I'm going to get a sponsor. 

This morning I got up and went to the gym and I actually talked to people.  I cracked jokes in my class, I didn't just keep my head down.  I wasn't worried that people would smell the alcohol on me, my breath, my lies, my shame.  I actually felt good about myself. 

Bit of a disjointed post but have a lot on my mind right now... lots to get out.  Today is a good day, I'm proud of myself.

Decision to go to AA

So this past weekend was another 'last weekend' of drinking but this one was pretty bad.  I used it as an excuse to drink way more than I normally would and I don't remember much of Saturday night.  Unfortunately my husband does and I wasn't being very nice.  He knew it was the alcohol so just waited it out.  Pretty awful thing to do to him.

See Friday I had a talk with hubbie about going to an AA meeting.  Normally he'd excuse my drinking and say it's not that bad.  This always made it hard for me because of course I want to buy in to the excuse even though in my heart I know it is that bad.  This time he had the courage to be honest and we had a really candid discussion and he agrees that going to a meeting is a good idea.  I was a bit worried that he'd miss our friday night drinks but I asked him if he'd rather I didn't drink at all than drink the way I do and he said yes.  He'd never been a big drinker anyway so it'd be better all around for us.

So I've made the decision to go to a meeting and I'm terrified.  I mean aside from the fact that I picture walking in to a room with a bunch of old, gruff looking men with bulbous noses smoking cigarettes and looking intimidating, I'm also scared to do something so far out of my comfort zone.  I don't know what to expect and I'm scared.  I am also terrified to give up my crutch of alcohol.  I can't picture my life without it but I do get glimpses of how good it could be .... but I've always used alcohol so it's scary to think of not having that 'safety net' in my life, regardless of all the negatives it does.

That's all.  Going to my first meeting tonight so keep me in your thoughts please.