So here I am, made it through the week, pretty easily actually. I haven't missed alcohol - there have been a few moments where something bugged me and I thought I'll have a drink tonight then though oh bummer, I can't, but overall, pretty easy. I've still been super exhausted though!
But now it's friday. My husband has done his usual friday lunch drinks and you know friday night is our night to have a 'couple of quiets' here at home. The problem was that my quiets started getting more and more and I continued to drink during the week. The goal was always that I could have a few and just enjoy them. My alcohol counsellor said I don't have a problem but needed to take a break from it to show myself. And now I actually feel like I could have a few glasses of wine on a friday night and be ok.
BUT then I'm told that alcohol is the only disease that tells you that you don't have the disease. I still don't buy in to the alcohol as a disease. So now what?
Hmmm... am I a horrible person for wanting to try it and see?
Thursday 29 September 2011
Monday 26 September 2011
Reasons to Quit Drinking
You know, I have several reasons to quit drinking... These include, but are not limited to: wanting to feel better, look better, lose weight, remember things, not feel like I have to take crap I shouldn't just because I want to have a drink, have better skin, be better hydrated, have my evenings back, get more things done, read a book in the evening, sew, create, etc etc etc. I have many reasons to quit... but one reason I never thought of?
I want to have a better life without alcohol.
This was something I never even thought of. It never crossed my mind until I went to my first AA meeting last night and heard other people talking about life after alcohol. See I ALWAYS assumed that life without alcohol would be lacking in some way. Going to a party and not drinking? Obviously it will always feel like something is missing. Why bother going at all? But yesterday, listening to people talk, I started thinking... hmm... maybe my life will actually be better without alcohol. And not just better in the "I won't be drunk all the time and miss out on life and black out and do dumb things" kind of way... but in the "Life can actually be enjoyable and good without alcohol" kind of way.
So I went to my first AA meeting. I'm still not convinced that I'm an alcoholic, but I do feel like I fit in there more than I don't. I am going to do the steps. I'm going to get a sponsor.
This morning I got up and went to the gym and I actually talked to people. I cracked jokes in my class, I didn't just keep my head down. I wasn't worried that people would smell the alcohol on me, my breath, my lies, my shame. I actually felt good about myself.
Bit of a disjointed post but have a lot on my mind right now... lots to get out. Today is a good day, I'm proud of myself.
I want to have a better life without alcohol.
This was something I never even thought of. It never crossed my mind until I went to my first AA meeting last night and heard other people talking about life after alcohol. See I ALWAYS assumed that life without alcohol would be lacking in some way. Going to a party and not drinking? Obviously it will always feel like something is missing. Why bother going at all? But yesterday, listening to people talk, I started thinking... hmm... maybe my life will actually be better without alcohol. And not just better in the "I won't be drunk all the time and miss out on life and black out and do dumb things" kind of way... but in the "Life can actually be enjoyable and good without alcohol" kind of way.
So I went to my first AA meeting. I'm still not convinced that I'm an alcoholic, but I do feel like I fit in there more than I don't. I am going to do the steps. I'm going to get a sponsor.
This morning I got up and went to the gym and I actually talked to people. I cracked jokes in my class, I didn't just keep my head down. I wasn't worried that people would smell the alcohol on me, my breath, my lies, my shame. I actually felt good about myself.
Bit of a disjointed post but have a lot on my mind right now... lots to get out. Today is a good day, I'm proud of myself.
Sunday 25 September 2011
Decision to go to AA
So this past weekend was another 'last weekend' of drinking but this one was pretty bad. I used it as an excuse to drink way more than I normally would and I don't remember much of Saturday night. Unfortunately my husband does and I wasn't being very nice. He knew it was the alcohol so just waited it out. Pretty awful thing to do to him.
See Friday I had a talk with hubbie about going to an AA meeting. Normally he'd excuse my drinking and say it's not that bad. This always made it hard for me because of course I want to buy in to the excuse even though in my heart I know it is that bad. This time he had the courage to be honest and we had a really candid discussion and he agrees that going to a meeting is a good idea. I was a bit worried that he'd miss our friday night drinks but I asked him if he'd rather I didn't drink at all than drink the way I do and he said yes. He'd never been a big drinker anyway so it'd be better all around for us.
So I've made the decision to go to a meeting and I'm terrified. I mean aside from the fact that I picture walking in to a room with a bunch of old, gruff looking men with bulbous noses smoking cigarettes and looking intimidating, I'm also scared to do something so far out of my comfort zone. I don't know what to expect and I'm scared. I am also terrified to give up my crutch of alcohol. I can't picture my life without it but I do get glimpses of how good it could be .... but I've always used alcohol so it's scary to think of not having that 'safety net' in my life, regardless of all the negatives it does.
That's all. Going to my first meeting tonight so keep me in your thoughts please.
See Friday I had a talk with hubbie about going to an AA meeting. Normally he'd excuse my drinking and say it's not that bad. This always made it hard for me because of course I want to buy in to the excuse even though in my heart I know it is that bad. This time he had the courage to be honest and we had a really candid discussion and he agrees that going to a meeting is a good idea. I was a bit worried that he'd miss our friday night drinks but I asked him if he'd rather I didn't drink at all than drink the way I do and he said yes. He'd never been a big drinker anyway so it'd be better all around for us.
So I've made the decision to go to a meeting and I'm terrified. I mean aside from the fact that I picture walking in to a room with a bunch of old, gruff looking men with bulbous noses smoking cigarettes and looking intimidating, I'm also scared to do something so far out of my comfort zone. I don't know what to expect and I'm scared. I am also terrified to give up my crutch of alcohol. I can't picture my life without it but I do get glimpses of how good it could be .... but I've always used alcohol so it's scary to think of not having that 'safety net' in my life, regardless of all the negatives it does.
That's all. Going to my first meeting tonight so keep me in your thoughts please.
Wednesday 21 September 2011
The Top 10 Lies I tell Myself about my Drinking
In order to keep drinking, I've developed some pretty good justifications for why I do it. Here are some of them:
Lie #1 - I drink to relax
Right. At the end of a day, sure it's nice to unwind. Some people have a drink to do so. Some go for a run, others read a book, have a cup of tea etc. I say to myself that I drink to relax. Just one (it's never just one). What's relaxing about drinking, getting drunk, not remembering things, passing out and waking in the morning only to beat myself up about it. Clearly this cycle is anything but relaxing. Mind you it does stop me from doing the 101 chores I could be doing. I stop dead in my tracks once I crack the bottle of wine. That first drink does relax me.. but it doesn't stop there. I don't drink to relax. I drink to get drunk.
Lie #2 I can control it
For some reason I think I can control it. I'm not really sure why since it is probably pretty clear I can not. I open a bottle of wine and it's as good as finished.
Lie #3 I'll just have one
Nope, that doesn't happen either. It is NEVER just one. Sometimes it is just two (which is actually 4 right because my wine glass is holds 2 standard drinks when full, not one) but it is never just one. Even when it is just two I'm always thinking about having another. And if I don't have another it's only because I am proving that I can stop, not because I want to. This is something I've read others say too.
Lie #4 I can stop any time I want
I stopped during both pregnancies so I can stop anytime right? Wrong. I stopped because it was for someone else. I couldn't handle the guilt of doing it to my baby. Made me wonder why I don't care that much about myself. Regardless, when I can drink, I do. And now that I've stopped breastfeeding, my drinking has increased hugely.
Lie #5 This is my last big weekend, then I'll quit
This weekend coming up will be my 3rd 'last weekend' of drinking before I quit. Clearly even drawing a line in the sand doesn't do it for me.
Lie #6 There's nothing else for me
I am mostly a stay at home Mum and work 6 hours a week. I feel that there is no time for me, and that alcohol is a way for me to do something for myself when I can't do anything else. Like I can't just start sewing while the kids are here or read a book or take a bath... so I drink because I can do it at the end of the day and have that time for myself, that 'break'. I can see though that if I could wait just another 3 hours I'd be fine, the kids would be in bed and I could do anything I want. But that 3 hours is an eternity. No, that's a lie too. I would rather drink and that's why I do.
Lie #7 I have too much to do - everything falls on my shoulders
Raising two young boys, working part time, and it seems the majority of the household chores are mine... I feel like there is so much that I am overwhelmed and can't do it all so I have the excuse to drink to 'deal with it'. Last night I wondered if I was purposely picking a fight with my hubbie because then it'd be ok that I drank. It would be justified. What kind of horrible path will this lead me down? And seriously, ya I do have heaps to do... but when my day ends at 4pm no wonder I don't have time for myself/ time to get stuff done. The same reason I drink (to wind down/ relax) is exactly the same thing that keeps me from doing those things I enjoy and having that time for myself.
Lie #8 Drinking doesn't affect my life
Ok so I don't miss work because of alcohol, I don't lay in bed all day or all morning... I get up, go to the gym, come home and set about my day. Drinking doesn't affect my day to day operation... though in reality it does. Waking up and feeling like crap, brushing my teeth and tongue 50 times to get rid of the red stains so no one will know, being tired and worn out... these are all things that have to affect my life. Not to mention I'd probably have more patience with the kids if I wasn't so ...hungover tired. And then there's my relationship. It obviously has to affect my relationship with my husband because by the time the kids are asleep I'm mostly drunk. And friends.. I don't go out at night because then I couldn't drink.
Lie#9 It is just a habit, not an addiction
I think that since my pregnancies I just got back into the habit of drinking every night. I seem to think if I can just break the habit then I can stop drinking so much. But really, if I could do that, I'd just do it and not be writing about it and thinking about it all day.
Lie # 10 - I'm not that bad
Like I said, I don't miss work, I get stuff done, I look fine, I don't drink before 4 pm (most days), I don't drink out of a paper bag, I don't drink and drive.. so I'm not that bad. But then I think... I drink a bottle of wine 6 nights a week (more on weekends). That is that bad, isn't it?
Lie #1 - I drink to relax
Right. At the end of a day, sure it's nice to unwind. Some people have a drink to do so. Some go for a run, others read a book, have a cup of tea etc. I say to myself that I drink to relax. Just one (it's never just one). What's relaxing about drinking, getting drunk, not remembering things, passing out and waking in the morning only to beat myself up about it. Clearly this cycle is anything but relaxing. Mind you it does stop me from doing the 101 chores I could be doing. I stop dead in my tracks once I crack the bottle of wine. That first drink does relax me.. but it doesn't stop there. I don't drink to relax. I drink to get drunk.
Lie #2 I can control it
For some reason I think I can control it. I'm not really sure why since it is probably pretty clear I can not. I open a bottle of wine and it's as good as finished.
Lie #3 I'll just have one
Nope, that doesn't happen either. It is NEVER just one. Sometimes it is just two (which is actually 4 right because my wine glass is holds 2 standard drinks when full, not one) but it is never just one. Even when it is just two I'm always thinking about having another. And if I don't have another it's only because I am proving that I can stop, not because I want to. This is something I've read others say too.
Lie #4 I can stop any time I want
I stopped during both pregnancies so I can stop anytime right? Wrong. I stopped because it was for someone else. I couldn't handle the guilt of doing it to my baby. Made me wonder why I don't care that much about myself. Regardless, when I can drink, I do. And now that I've stopped breastfeeding, my drinking has increased hugely.
Lie #5 This is my last big weekend, then I'll quit
This weekend coming up will be my 3rd 'last weekend' of drinking before I quit. Clearly even drawing a line in the sand doesn't do it for me.
Lie #6 There's nothing else for me
I am mostly a stay at home Mum and work 6 hours a week. I feel that there is no time for me, and that alcohol is a way for me to do something for myself when I can't do anything else. Like I can't just start sewing while the kids are here or read a book or take a bath... so I drink because I can do it at the end of the day and have that time for myself, that 'break'. I can see though that if I could wait just another 3 hours I'd be fine, the kids would be in bed and I could do anything I want. But that 3 hours is an eternity. No, that's a lie too. I would rather drink and that's why I do.
Lie #7 I have too much to do - everything falls on my shoulders
Raising two young boys, working part time, and it seems the majority of the household chores are mine... I feel like there is so much that I am overwhelmed and can't do it all so I have the excuse to drink to 'deal with it'. Last night I wondered if I was purposely picking a fight with my hubbie because then it'd be ok that I drank. It would be justified. What kind of horrible path will this lead me down? And seriously, ya I do have heaps to do... but when my day ends at 4pm no wonder I don't have time for myself/ time to get stuff done. The same reason I drink (to wind down/ relax) is exactly the same thing that keeps me from doing those things I enjoy and having that time for myself.
Lie #8 Drinking doesn't affect my life
Ok so I don't miss work because of alcohol, I don't lay in bed all day or all morning... I get up, go to the gym, come home and set about my day. Drinking doesn't affect my day to day operation... though in reality it does. Waking up and feeling like crap, brushing my teeth and tongue 50 times to get rid of the red stains so no one will know, being tired and worn out... these are all things that have to affect my life. Not to mention I'd probably have more patience with the kids if I wasn't so ...
Lie#9 It is just a habit, not an addiction
I think that since my pregnancies I just got back into the habit of drinking every night. I seem to think if I can just break the habit then I can stop drinking so much. But really, if I could do that, I'd just do it and not be writing about it and thinking about it all day.
Lie # 10 - I'm not that bad
Like I said, I don't miss work, I get stuff done, I look fine, I don't drink before 4 pm (most days), I don't drink out of a paper bag, I don't drink and drive.. so I'm not that bad. But then I think... I drink a bottle of wine 6 nights a week (more on weekends). That is that bad, isn't it?
Tuesday 20 September 2011
The Universe Speaks to me
So I go to work today after a semi-crapish morning to a job I haven't been loving as a computer tutor and guess what? I trained a woman who is starting her own business (as I am); belongs to the Buddhist Centre (which I want to do) and the business she is starting is .... get this... drug and alcohol counselling.
Yes, Universe ... I hear you. I'm just not ready yet.
Yes, Universe ... I hear you. I'm just not ready yet.
Ugh!
I woke up at 3 am totally disgusted with myself for drinking last night... a bottle I think. All I wanted to do was work on my quilt and even asked my husband if it was ok. He said yes, but hopped on the computer so the kids were crawling all over me. I said should I stop and he said yes and we all went in the lounge and sat around. Why couldn't he have just watched the kids while I did a bit of sewing?
So I drank to get away.
And I woke this morning vowing not to drink tonight. It's 8:30am and I've already changed my mind. My morning has gone like this: get coffee ready, make milo for the kids, make breakfast, pack lunches... quickly shower before my husband leaves for work at 7:30 am. He leaves, feed kids more (they are eating machines these days!), call my parents on skype... kids crawling all over me, parents trying to talk over them... little one shoving crackers down my top... tidy kitchen a bit, put laundry in baskets, get kids dressed ... and now I have to drop the kids at care and go to work! I know this is a huge excuse. I know it is. But this is why I drink. This is my treat for myself after doing all this stuff all day. It's my reprieve. It's an easy escape. I could try to wait til 7:30 to do my sewing but it seems so far away. I feel like everyone is always demanding something from me and alcohol is my way to deal with it. I know it makes it worse. I know being hungover stops me from being able to deal with things better. But alcohol is my learned response. It is easy. It is immediate.
Must run, kids are demanding again. Sigh.
So I drank to get away.
And I woke this morning vowing not to drink tonight. It's 8:30am and I've already changed my mind. My morning has gone like this: get coffee ready, make milo for the kids, make breakfast, pack lunches... quickly shower before my husband leaves for work at 7:30 am. He leaves, feed kids more (they are eating machines these days!), call my parents on skype... kids crawling all over me, parents trying to talk over them... little one shoving crackers down my top... tidy kitchen a bit, put laundry in baskets, get kids dressed ... and now I have to drop the kids at care and go to work! I know this is a huge excuse. I know it is. But this is why I drink. This is my treat for myself after doing all this stuff all day. It's my reprieve. It's an easy escape. I could try to wait til 7:30 to do my sewing but it seems so far away. I feel like everyone is always demanding something from me and alcohol is my way to deal with it. I know it makes it worse. I know being hungover stops me from being able to deal with things better. But alcohol is my learned response. It is easy. It is immediate.
Must run, kids are demanding again. Sigh.
Monday 19 September 2011
Another Big Weekend
This past weekend was a huge one at our house. We had family staying with us for a sports reunion and I knew it was going to be a big drinking weekend. I was initally really worried about it when I was going to give up drinking... but then of course I haven't given up so I did drink. Friday night I came home early but still drank almost a bottle of wine. Saturday I had a babysitter and was out til 3:30 am. Sunday I drank again. A lot.
Over the weekend I saw that most people were drinking heaps. At least it seemed that way to me. It got me thinking about how distorted our view of drinking is. Like everyone there probably thought it was ok to drink that much that many days in a row. Now granted, most of them probably won't drink again for ages and certainly not that much - for many it was probably the biggest weekend they've had in years. But still. We were all binge drinking and everyone seemed ok with it.
I can still remember how shocked I was when I heard that women should drink no more than 2 standard drinks in one day and have 2 alcohol free days a week. In the society I live in, 2 standard drinks is nothing. In fact often 1 glass of wine is that 2 standard drinks because the glasses are so big. I still don't think it's that bad to drink that much. I mean I don't think about the effects on my health and I'm sure most people drinking this past weekend didn't think about it either - if they even KNOW about it at all. It's sort of like the dangers of drinking are as ill recognised as the dangers of smoking was 30 years ago. Maybe by the time our kids are older drinking will be as taboo as smoking is. Or at least we won't be as blind to the dangers.
But still, I can blame society and lack of information all I want. I can say that 'everyone was doing it' so why am I so hard on myself. But the fact of the matter is that as sick as I felt yesterday, I thought about having a drink again. I thought of it often and really wanted one. I held off though, had a nice dinner and was watching tv in the evening feeling really thankful that I hadn't had a drink. This is why I know there's something up with my drinking. The fact that I can feel so rotten and still want a drink, the fact that I want to be tipsy but hate being drunk, the fact that I have already been having the arguement with myself about wether or not I'll drink tonight ... these all indicate that there is something wrong. It might not be 'that bad' but it's certainly not that good either. I know this because when I take the quiz on the Alcoholics Anonymous website it always tells me I have a problem with alcohol. Wether I'm feeling really hard on myself and score high or wether I feel like I'm not that bad... I always score a 4 or more and that's an indication according to them that I have a problem.
If anyone wants to comment please do. I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do. As I've said I want to give up drinking but I don't. I know many of you have gone through/ are going through similar experiences and I'd love to hear from you. You can also email me if you like.
Thank you for listening.
Over the weekend I saw that most people were drinking heaps. At least it seemed that way to me. It got me thinking about how distorted our view of drinking is. Like everyone there probably thought it was ok to drink that much that many days in a row. Now granted, most of them probably won't drink again for ages and certainly not that much - for many it was probably the biggest weekend they've had in years. But still. We were all binge drinking and everyone seemed ok with it.
I can still remember how shocked I was when I heard that women should drink no more than 2 standard drinks in one day and have 2 alcohol free days a week. In the society I live in, 2 standard drinks is nothing. In fact often 1 glass of wine is that 2 standard drinks because the glasses are so big. I still don't think it's that bad to drink that much. I mean I don't think about the effects on my health and I'm sure most people drinking this past weekend didn't think about it either - if they even KNOW about it at all. It's sort of like the dangers of drinking are as ill recognised as the dangers of smoking was 30 years ago. Maybe by the time our kids are older drinking will be as taboo as smoking is. Or at least we won't be as blind to the dangers.
But still, I can blame society and lack of information all I want. I can say that 'everyone was doing it' so why am I so hard on myself. But the fact of the matter is that as sick as I felt yesterday, I thought about having a drink again. I thought of it often and really wanted one. I held off though, had a nice dinner and was watching tv in the evening feeling really thankful that I hadn't had a drink. This is why I know there's something up with my drinking. The fact that I can feel so rotten and still want a drink, the fact that I want to be tipsy but hate being drunk, the fact that I have already been having the arguement with myself about wether or not I'll drink tonight ... these all indicate that there is something wrong. It might not be 'that bad' but it's certainly not that good either. I know this because when I take the quiz on the Alcoholics Anonymous website it always tells me I have a problem with alcohol. Wether I'm feeling really hard on myself and score high or wether I feel like I'm not that bad... I always score a 4 or more and that's an indication according to them that I have a problem.
If anyone wants to comment please do. I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do. As I've said I want to give up drinking but I don't. I know many of you have gone through/ are going through similar experiences and I'd love to hear from you. You can also email me if you like.
Thank you for listening.
Tuesday 13 September 2011
I thought I could control it
Well I stopped posting here because after I made it through day 2 I convinced myself (along with help from others who don't know the whole truth about my drinking) that I don't need to give up. I convinced myself that it is under control, that I'm not 'that bad' and that as long as I could moderate my drinking, I could still drink.
So the first night that I made that decision, Wednesday, I had 2 glasses of wine.... which I drank over a long period of time (took me over an hour to drink my first drink). I felt really cozy and nicely warm... I went to bed, woke up and felt good. The same thing happened the second night. I was feeling great - partly because I was moderating my drinking and enjoying it, and partly because I had convinced myself that I didn't in fact need to stop. That I could moderate it.
Then came Friday. I returned to my old tricks and stocked up big time on wine 'just in case' I ran out. I think I probably drank close to a bottle and a half of wine... not sure. Friday night is the big drinking night for me and my hubby.. where we hang out and have a few drinks. I ended up 'falling asleep' on the couch around 8:30. Repeat on Saturday. Repeat on Sunday.
On Monday I felt moderately bad. Still drank. Tuesday I drank because I could, even though I felt awful and didn't want to. Today I decided that I would go the next two days without drinking and at about 1:30 pm I renegged on that decision too.
So here I am, 4pm and having a glass of wine.
It has become apparent to me once again that I can not control my alcohol. But I don't want to believe that because I don't want to give it up. This constant push and pull is insanity!
So the first night that I made that decision, Wednesday, I had 2 glasses of wine.... which I drank over a long period of time (took me over an hour to drink my first drink). I felt really cozy and nicely warm... I went to bed, woke up and felt good. The same thing happened the second night. I was feeling great - partly because I was moderating my drinking and enjoying it, and partly because I had convinced myself that I didn't in fact need to stop. That I could moderate it.
Then came Friday. I returned to my old tricks and stocked up big time on wine 'just in case' I ran out. I think I probably drank close to a bottle and a half of wine... not sure. Friday night is the big drinking night for me and my hubby.. where we hang out and have a few drinks. I ended up 'falling asleep' on the couch around 8:30. Repeat on Saturday. Repeat on Sunday.
On Monday I felt moderately bad. Still drank. Tuesday I drank because I could, even though I felt awful and didn't want to. Today I decided that I would go the next two days without drinking and at about 1:30 pm I renegged on that decision too.
So here I am, 4pm and having a glass of wine.
It has become apparent to me once again that I can not control my alcohol. But I don't want to believe that because I don't want to give it up. This constant push and pull is insanity!
Monday 5 September 2011
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Well I made it through day one. Not without battles but I did it. The first thing my awesome husband said to me this morning was 'Congratulations on one day of sobriety'! He said he should've made me a one day badge :)
The Good
The good is that I woke up this morning, went to the gym at 6 am and didn't have to worry about whether or not I could/ should be driving. I also could do the work out without dying and fumbling over my feet like I did last week. And seeing my eldest son literally bounce off to bed I thought to myself .. how cute is he? And I would've missed that moment. I would've been fuzzy and not felt it. I made it through day one.
The Bad
I feel like crap. Well not crap but I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!! I was so knackered last night that I went to bed at 8:30. I was hoping to do all kinds of stuff last night since I was going to be sober, but no dice. I was also very irritable... I thought maybe it was because I didn't have my 'wind down' glass of wine but I quickly googled alcohol withdrawl symptoms and sure enough, I have some of the mild ones. This is actually pretty scarey for me! Like sure I drank, but I never thought I would go through withdrawl! And before when I used to try to have 2 sober days a week I always thought well I still feel like crap so why not just drink? I'm realising now maybe I was going through withdrawl. Sad.
The Ugly
By the time I drove to pick my husband up from work and we were talking about the upcoming weekends I had pretty much convinced myself that I'll do a 2 week holiday from drinking then I'll try to moderate my drinking. I have an appointment with an alcohol counsellor next week and she suggested last time that I do this. But the reality is, in the light of day I don't want to drink any more. I don't want to be hung over. I don't want to miss out on life.
It was a hard day yesterday and on top of just the basic trying to get through, I was on skype with my brother around midday and because of the time change he was having a couple of beers. It was hard to watch him down a nice cold beer and it was certainly a trigger for me. Especially because I'm going to visit him soon and he's talking about renting a limo and going to his friends pub. I am so worried about dissapointing people with my not drinking that I thought can I really do that? Like of course I can go in a limo and have fun. Just cuz I'm sober doesn't mean I have to be boring right? '
Regardless, I made it through day one and I am on to day two.
The Good
The good is that I woke up this morning, went to the gym at 6 am and didn't have to worry about whether or not I could/ should be driving. I also could do the work out without dying and fumbling over my feet like I did last week. And seeing my eldest son literally bounce off to bed I thought to myself .. how cute is he? And I would've missed that moment. I would've been fuzzy and not felt it. I made it through day one.
The Bad
I feel like crap. Well not crap but I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!! I was so knackered last night that I went to bed at 8:30. I was hoping to do all kinds of stuff last night since I was going to be sober, but no dice. I was also very irritable... I thought maybe it was because I didn't have my 'wind down' glass of wine but I quickly googled alcohol withdrawl symptoms and sure enough, I have some of the mild ones. This is actually pretty scarey for me! Like sure I drank, but I never thought I would go through withdrawl! And before when I used to try to have 2 sober days a week I always thought well I still feel like crap so why not just drink? I'm realising now maybe I was going through withdrawl. Sad.
The Ugly
By the time I drove to pick my husband up from work and we were talking about the upcoming weekends I had pretty much convinced myself that I'll do a 2 week holiday from drinking then I'll try to moderate my drinking. I have an appointment with an alcohol counsellor next week and she suggested last time that I do this. But the reality is, in the light of day I don't want to drink any more. I don't want to be hung over. I don't want to miss out on life.
It was a hard day yesterday and on top of just the basic trying to get through, I was on skype with my brother around midday and because of the time change he was having a couple of beers. It was hard to watch him down a nice cold beer and it was certainly a trigger for me. Especially because I'm going to visit him soon and he's talking about renting a limo and going to his friends pub. I am so worried about dissapointing people with my not drinking that I thought can I really do that? Like of course I can go in a limo and have fun. Just cuz I'm sober doesn't mean I have to be boring right? '
Regardless, I made it through day one and I am on to day two.
Sunday 4 September 2011
Day One
Here I am, the first day of sobriety for me. It's 10 in the morning and I feel good about my decision. I can in fact feel a difference in myself. I am moving at an extra slow pace, speaking very quietly to my children - almost as if a calmness has settled over me now that I have made my decision.
Of course, I had to have 'one last'. One last big weekend of drinking. Like a dieter before the diet begins who gorges on everything in sight, I drank pretty much all weekend. Big friday night with a friend, huge hangover on Saturday but still managed to down a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed. Then yesterday, being father's day, we had a BBQ which really ended up just being a day of drinking. I went to bed around 8 thankfully and slept it off. I think partially today I feel relief at my decision not to drink. I've drawn a line in the sand.
I was worried about the witching hour.. the pull at 4pm to have a drink.. but I've decided my boys and I will go and get my husband from work. Since I'll be driving, I won't be drinking. Then the 4 of us will be home together and it will be easier.
I also read the post that Once Crafty Mother wrote on Dr Fear and she explained how she was filled with anxiety over not drinking when she first stopped. I am going through this too... what will I do next weekend when family comes to visit and it's a big drinking weekend? What about the weekend after when I go visit friends for a big party? Will I really just not drink? What about Christmas at home with my family... And I realised that she went through this too. This is normal - well whatever normal is. And at the very least I am not alone in feeling this way. Other people have gone through this. And there is a reason they say to take it one day at a time (as cliché as I used to think that was). Right now, I am happy and comforted in my deicion to not drink today. And I'm feeling a certain peace with that.
Of course, I had to have 'one last'. One last big weekend of drinking. Like a dieter before the diet begins who gorges on everything in sight, I drank pretty much all weekend. Big friday night with a friend, huge hangover on Saturday but still managed to down a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed. Then yesterday, being father's day, we had a BBQ which really ended up just being a day of drinking. I went to bed around 8 thankfully and slept it off. I think partially today I feel relief at my decision not to drink. I've drawn a line in the sand.
I was worried about the witching hour.. the pull at 4pm to have a drink.. but I've decided my boys and I will go and get my husband from work. Since I'll be driving, I won't be drinking. Then the 4 of us will be home together and it will be easier.
I also read the post that Once Crafty Mother wrote on Dr Fear and she explained how she was filled with anxiety over not drinking when she first stopped. I am going through this too... what will I do next weekend when family comes to visit and it's a big drinking weekend? What about the weekend after when I go visit friends for a big party? Will I really just not drink? What about Christmas at home with my family... And I realised that she went through this too. This is normal - well whatever normal is. And at the very least I am not alone in feeling this way. Other people have gone through this. And there is a reason they say to take it one day at a time (as cliché as I used to think that was). Right now, I am happy and comforted in my deicion to not drink today. And I'm feeling a certain peace with that.
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