Just looking for some book suggestions on alcohol/ alcoholism. I'm struggling to figure out what I'm going through and since I read up on everything else, I'd like to read about this too. I went to the library but wasn't sure what to get... so I'm turning to you.
Could you please suggest some books for me? I'm looking for information on what alcohol does to you (the hard truth so I can no longer deny that there's no harm) and also maybe some biographies of people who have gone through this... but I'm not looking for ones on hardcore drug addicts/ alcoholics... I'm more looking at people who drink like me... like obviously way too much but are still able to function etc etc.....
Any suggestions are welcome - thanks.
Rosie
Sunday 27 May 2012
Monday 14 May 2012
Down in the dumps
It sort of seems like nothing is going right in my life at the moment. I'm pretty down about it all. I've been drinking again and it would be easy to blame it all on the alcohol but it's not just the drinking. The drinking is a side effect of everything else going on. And I know it makes it worse and that if I quit, once I get through the inital rough bit (however many days, weeks, months, years that takes) it will get better - or so I'm told. But right now, I can't see life being any better without alcohol.
I'm being completely honest here - and I have been worried about writing because I don't want to look like a complete idiot to all of you who have been through this before and have come out the other side. I can almost hear shouts of 'how can you do this to yourself' or worse - how can I be so stupid? Why do I keep giving in.
Truth is, I'm lost right now. I have no idea what to do. There really isn't any part of me that wants to completely quit drinking. There is a part of me that is saying 'screw it' and just giving in. The biggest part of me wants to just control my drinking and that's what I've been working on doing - at least until this part of my life is over.
This part - this moving to a new place. This life it total upheaveal part. I mean I know there will always be ups and downs in life but right now I'm feeling really down. The idea of moving to a new place and starting all over again is not a great one. And at this moment in time, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my husband last night but he told me I wasn't being nice. So there - no friends that I can talk to about how down I feel (no one I feel I can really open up to), a husband that outright rejects me, a 2 year old who always wants to sit on me and be with me 24/7, I'm trying to get my business going but no one seems to want my stuff (more rejection - I've been to two craft markets and have only sold a couple of things - not even covering my costs), bills have piled up and we can't pay them... etc etc etc. I feel so down and I can't even turn to sewing because it messes up the house.
And we're going away this weekend to go look at houses and it will be left up to me to pack the car and clean the house because we will have an open home when we are gone.
I feel there is too much going on and on top of it, I have to take care of my 3 and 1 year old (of course) and my husband coaches rugby on the weekends so starting saturday morning he is totally occupied with that and then he's gone half the day. He's not an ass, he's a great guy, but he's miserable right now because of work so I do feel he needs his rugby. But then where does it leave me?
Alone. And lonely. With no one to talk to.
I'm being completely honest here - and I have been worried about writing because I don't want to look like a complete idiot to all of you who have been through this before and have come out the other side. I can almost hear shouts of 'how can you do this to yourself' or worse - how can I be so stupid? Why do I keep giving in.
Truth is, I'm lost right now. I have no idea what to do. There really isn't any part of me that wants to completely quit drinking. There is a part of me that is saying 'screw it' and just giving in. The biggest part of me wants to just control my drinking and that's what I've been working on doing - at least until this part of my life is over.
This part - this moving to a new place. This life it total upheaveal part. I mean I know there will always be ups and downs in life but right now I'm feeling really down. The idea of moving to a new place and starting all over again is not a great one. And at this moment in time, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my husband last night but he told me I wasn't being nice. So there - no friends that I can talk to about how down I feel (no one I feel I can really open up to), a husband that outright rejects me, a 2 year old who always wants to sit on me and be with me 24/7, I'm trying to get my business going but no one seems to want my stuff (more rejection - I've been to two craft markets and have only sold a couple of things - not even covering my costs), bills have piled up and we can't pay them... etc etc etc. I feel so down and I can't even turn to sewing because it messes up the house.
And we're going away this weekend to go look at houses and it will be left up to me to pack the car and clean the house because we will have an open home when we are gone.
I feel there is too much going on and on top of it, I have to take care of my 3 and 1 year old (of course) and my husband coaches rugby on the weekends so starting saturday morning he is totally occupied with that and then he's gone half the day. He's not an ass, he's a great guy, but he's miserable right now because of work so I do feel he needs his rugby. But then where does it leave me?
Alone. And lonely. With no one to talk to.
Monday 7 May 2012
Far out!
Man I am having a hell of a day. So here's what's been happening... my husband took my car today because he is doing volunteer work and his car doesn't have a renewed rego (and he already got a $400 ticket because of this but that's another story). So I decided to walk the 40 minutes to a restaurant to meet other mums from my sons kindy.
I had both boys there so that was a bit of a mission but I wasn't hungover so was able to cope. We walked back home another 40 min so I was pretty tuckered out.. my littlest fell asleep in the pram so I carried him in but of course he woke up. So now it's no rest time, right in to lunch etc.
Then I had to tidy the house for a viewing at 1:45 (house is on the market and though we agreed we would have open homes only, there seems to be heaps of viewings by appointment and you can imagine the nightmare that is with a 1 and a 3 year old!). So I vaccumed, hung the washing, folded all other washing and put away, picked up all the toys, did all the dishes, cleaned the counter tops etc etc.... got the boys out the door (another misison since we had been out all morning and they wanted to stay home).
We went for a walk and in all actuallity I was starting to feel better. I felt like phew - Bwendo is right, just go for a walk... we went to a little park, looked at some fallen leaves and had a good play. We came back to the house but the cars were still here.. 45 min later! So we carried on walking. After another 20 min we came back and the real estate agent was still here. She said the couple also looked at the house across the street because it is coming on the market next week. CRAP! A house across the street - that sucks.
So I come in and decide to treat myself to a fizzy drink (which I try to limit but am allowing myself because I'm not having alcohol and I feel I need something). I open the fridge door and out the pepsi comes, flying across the room, lid breaks and fizzy drink (soda) goes EVERYWHERE! This after I had just cleaned the whole house! So I had to get towels etc and clean it up - of course with my 3 year old asking me why I did that (if I weren't so overwhelmed, I'd find that hilarious). So I clean it up.. they start asking for snacks so I have to get the sheets to put on the floor because we have carpets in the eating area and we've cleaned the carpets and don't want to stain them again... the kids are making their regular demands about what they want to eat and I just lose it.
I thought I'd be able to cope better without alcohol but at least at the end of the day I can have a drink and calm down. I find this is all too much for me. I don't know if it's becuase there is so much going on or if this is normal for people trying to stop drinking. I keep thinking maybe this isn't the right time then I think is that just an excuse? All I know is that I am a millimetre away from saying fuck it. And drinking.
I had both boys there so that was a bit of a mission but I wasn't hungover so was able to cope. We walked back home another 40 min so I was pretty tuckered out.. my littlest fell asleep in the pram so I carried him in but of course he woke up. So now it's no rest time, right in to lunch etc.
Then I had to tidy the house for a viewing at 1:45 (house is on the market and though we agreed we would have open homes only, there seems to be heaps of viewings by appointment and you can imagine the nightmare that is with a 1 and a 3 year old!). So I vaccumed, hung the washing, folded all other washing and put away, picked up all the toys, did all the dishes, cleaned the counter tops etc etc.... got the boys out the door (another misison since we had been out all morning and they wanted to stay home).
We went for a walk and in all actuallity I was starting to feel better. I felt like phew - Bwendo is right, just go for a walk... we went to a little park, looked at some fallen leaves and had a good play. We came back to the house but the cars were still here.. 45 min later! So we carried on walking. After another 20 min we came back and the real estate agent was still here. She said the couple also looked at the house across the street because it is coming on the market next week. CRAP! A house across the street - that sucks.
So I come in and decide to treat myself to a fizzy drink (which I try to limit but am allowing myself because I'm not having alcohol and I feel I need something). I open the fridge door and out the pepsi comes, flying across the room, lid breaks and fizzy drink (soda) goes EVERYWHERE! This after I had just cleaned the whole house! So I had to get towels etc and clean it up - of course with my 3 year old asking me why I did that (if I weren't so overwhelmed, I'd find that hilarious). So I clean it up.. they start asking for snacks so I have to get the sheets to put on the floor because we have carpets in the eating area and we've cleaned the carpets and don't want to stain them again... the kids are making their regular demands about what they want to eat and I just lose it.
I thought I'd be able to cope better without alcohol but at least at the end of the day I can have a drink and calm down. I find this is all too much for me. I don't know if it's becuase there is so much going on or if this is normal for people trying to stop drinking. I keep thinking maybe this isn't the right time then I think is that just an excuse? All I know is that I am a millimetre away from saying fuck it. And drinking.
It's day 4 and I want a drink
That's about the size of it. Already my mind is starting with the 'it wasn't so bad' and 'who really cares, I should just have a drink' and a million other things like that. I can taste the wine in my mouth. I guess I am craving it .... I don't really want to drink but I do if that makes any sense. I'm not going to. I mean there is no way I am going to today. It's just forever that scares me. I still want to keep drinking to the weekends. But then I know it'll seep out in to the week and before I know it I'll be back to 1.5 bottles a day. Anyway, just had to get out of my head and write it out and put it out there. I want to drink.
Sunday 6 May 2012
3rd Day Sober
I made it through a Saturday night and a Sunday sober. It was really good because I had a craft fair yesterday and it was fantastic spending the day there and not being hung over... It was also great to wake up sober and not feel like crap all day.
I'm writing because last time I 'quit drinking' (I am using quotes because I only paused my drinking... stopped for 2 months then started again) I didn't really write about the good things. I know when I quit I expected life to instantly be better, that I wouldn't be tired anymore, I'd have heaps of time for my business, time to read, run, do all these things and lose weight... but in actual fact, none of these things happened. I was still exhausted most of the time, I turned to food instead of alcohol to 'treat' myself...
This time things are different. I realise that I am in recovery. I realise now that the exhaustion probably has a lot to do with that recovery. I also feel that this time around I am going to take it easy on myself. My main goal right now is to live a sober life. Sure I want to lose weight.. but not at the expense of returning to drinking. I think I really need to prioritise here and not drinking has to be at the top of my list. If I also work on my business, great - but that's just a bonus.
I also know that I have to listen to my body. I need to sleep when I'm tired, even if I really want to do something else ... or rest when the kids are here and play games laying on the floor if I have to! I also know I need to eat when I'm hungry ... my usual M.O. is to starve myself so that I lose weight, but in the end I'd always end up drinking when I was super hungry - or making really bad food decisions. I am going to make healthier food choices because this is all about a time where I need to treat myself well.
Easier said than done I know... even now as I sit here with both kids off to kindy/ day care, I feel like I should be doing something when all I really want to do is go and lay on the couch. This is something I need to actively work on, and give myself a break for. I am going through recovery and I need to take care of myself.
I no longer expect miracles. I no longer expect life to be perfect. I no longer expect to be angry about every little thing and allowed to act on it simply because I have given up alcohol - my outlet, my coping mechanism.
But I do want to write about the small things that make a difference so that when I feel like drinking, I can look back and see that life really is better without alcohol. I didn't do that last time... I didn't look at how all the little things added up so that when I wanted to drink I thought 'why not, nothing's really changed'. I don't want to do that this time because I know that all the little things add up to a better life. A bigger life.
Today is Monday and I feel ok. In fact this morning I actually felt joy - real happiness... which is something I haven't felt in ages. It wasn't huge and didn't last for a long time, but it happened because I remember thinking 'man I feel good!'. It's Monday and I feel ok, not great, still a bit weird at being home by myself. I didn't get much sleep last night due to a waking baby, but I'm sober, I'm not hung over and I'm not beating myself up. I realise it's ok to be tired. Life goes on. I am feeling ok today and that is a big little thing.
I'm writing because last time I 'quit drinking' (I am using quotes because I only paused my drinking... stopped for 2 months then started again) I didn't really write about the good things. I know when I quit I expected life to instantly be better, that I wouldn't be tired anymore, I'd have heaps of time for my business, time to read, run, do all these things and lose weight... but in actual fact, none of these things happened. I was still exhausted most of the time, I turned to food instead of alcohol to 'treat' myself...
This time things are different. I realise that I am in recovery. I realise now that the exhaustion probably has a lot to do with that recovery. I also feel that this time around I am going to take it easy on myself. My main goal right now is to live a sober life. Sure I want to lose weight.. but not at the expense of returning to drinking. I think I really need to prioritise here and not drinking has to be at the top of my list. If I also work on my business, great - but that's just a bonus.
I also know that I have to listen to my body. I need to sleep when I'm tired, even if I really want to do something else ... or rest when the kids are here and play games laying on the floor if I have to! I also know I need to eat when I'm hungry ... my usual M.O. is to starve myself so that I lose weight, but in the end I'd always end up drinking when I was super hungry - or making really bad food decisions. I am going to make healthier food choices because this is all about a time where I need to treat myself well.
Easier said than done I know... even now as I sit here with both kids off to kindy/ day care, I feel like I should be doing something when all I really want to do is go and lay on the couch. This is something I need to actively work on, and give myself a break for. I am going through recovery and I need to take care of myself.
I no longer expect miracles. I no longer expect life to be perfect. I no longer expect to be angry about every little thing and allowed to act on it simply because I have given up alcohol - my outlet, my coping mechanism.
But I do want to write about the small things that make a difference so that when I feel like drinking, I can look back and see that life really is better without alcohol. I didn't do that last time... I didn't look at how all the little things added up so that when I wanted to drink I thought 'why not, nothing's really changed'. I don't want to do that this time because I know that all the little things add up to a better life. A bigger life.
Today is Monday and I feel ok. In fact this morning I actually felt joy - real happiness... which is something I haven't felt in ages. It wasn't huge and didn't last for a long time, but it happened because I remember thinking 'man I feel good!'. It's Monday and I feel ok, not great, still a bit weird at being home by myself. I didn't get much sleep last night due to a waking baby, but I'm sober, I'm not hung over and I'm not beating myself up. I realise it's ok to be tired. Life goes on. I am feeling ok today and that is a big little thing.
Friday 4 May 2012
Time for a change
Well I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good, though a bit groggy. Somewhere along my daily journeys I decided that I would drink last night. I had a bottle and a half of wine, which is now the norm since a bottle doesn't quite do it. I ended up getting really upset with my husband about something that was very important to me ... but today I can't even remember what it was. And that was the second time I did that over the past week.
This morning my husband gave me a big cuddle and said it was because of what happened last night. I am so ashamed that I don't know what it is, and I don't want to know what I said. He knows I can't remember.
It's definitely time for me to quit. I don't know how I did it before for 2 months. But it's definietly time. I'm not drinking tonight - and it has been hard. But the good thing is that I have a craft market tomorrow and it will be awesome not to wake up hung over and to be able to get through the day without feeling awful and tired.
I'm doing ok right now. I'm home alone because my husband and boys are out at the rugby club .. I didn't want to stay because I don't want to drink. Actually that's not true - I'm tired and I just don't want to be there so I came home. It's nice, just doing some sewing and watching tv. I'm going to make dinner now and eat before they get home (they're having dinner there - don't know why I felt the need to mention that haha!) so that I am even less tempted to drink. I always drink on an empty stomach and usually stop once I've eaten. Once I eat tonight I know any thoughts of having alcohol will be gone. Then I can go to bed nice and early and get a good night's sleep.
Today is the first day of me being sober.
This morning my husband gave me a big cuddle and said it was because of what happened last night. I am so ashamed that I don't know what it is, and I don't want to know what I said. He knows I can't remember.
It's definitely time for me to quit. I don't know how I did it before for 2 months. But it's definietly time. I'm not drinking tonight - and it has been hard. But the good thing is that I have a craft market tomorrow and it will be awesome not to wake up hung over and to be able to get through the day without feeling awful and tired.
I'm doing ok right now. I'm home alone because my husband and boys are out at the rugby club .. I didn't want to stay because I don't want to drink. Actually that's not true - I'm tired and I just don't want to be there so I came home. It's nice, just doing some sewing and watching tv. I'm going to make dinner now and eat before they get home (they're having dinner there - don't know why I felt the need to mention that haha!) so that I am even less tempted to drink. I always drink on an empty stomach and usually stop once I've eaten. Once I eat tonight I know any thoughts of having alcohol will be gone. Then I can go to bed nice and early and get a good night's sleep.
Today is the first day of me being sober.
Thursday 3 May 2012
It's 8:55 pm and I'm sober
Yes, it's true! And I'm so proud. This is the first day in at least a week - possibly two - that I haven't drank. And I haven't wanted to. I've been meaning to write all day about things going through my head but have been so busy with... life. I just want to write that I am not drinking today and I feel great about it (although quite hungover from yesterday... but allowing the hangover to happen rather than delaying it one more day by drinking again).
More tomorrow hopefully.... I hope to get time to write tomorrow!
More tomorrow hopefully.... I hope to get time to write tomorrow!
Tuesday 1 May 2012
I drank again last night
I really don't know how to stop this. It's 9:15 in the morning and I feel like crap and all I want to do is eat junk food and yet I'm still contemplating getting a bottle of wine for tonight just in case I want to have a drink. Which of course means I will.
How did I get like this? Or have I always been like this but now the blinders are off and I can see what I'm doing. I know it's the latter... I used to drink like this - or more - but I lived on my own and I guess I was hugely in denial. Like I knew it was bad to drink every day but oh well, it wasn't that big of a deal to me then.
But now it is. And I have no idea how to stop. I have no idea how to go just one day without a drink. I've gotten back in to the pattern of drinking every day. I guess I am really an addict. Like sometimes I think what's wrong with me? But then I think alcohol is a drug - a socially acceptable one though. Like no one would believe it if a heroin addict said 'ahhhh, I'll just shoot up on the weekend, that way I can control it'. Like what?? Of course that's not controlling it - that's just limiting the destruction a bit. And opening the door to doing it once during the week, then twice, then every day. And yet I think it's hilarious to speak this way about heroin (ok I don't do any drug other than alcohol so I'm not speaking from experience here but just how it would sound to me if someone told me they were only going to do a bit of a drug) but for some reason, it doesn't seem as absurd when I say 'oh I'll just drink on the weekends'. Probably because that's what so many people do.
So it's obvious to me what I have to do. But fuck I don't want to live life without alcohol. Dumb dumb dumb!!!
How did I get like this? Or have I always been like this but now the blinders are off and I can see what I'm doing. I know it's the latter... I used to drink like this - or more - but I lived on my own and I guess I was hugely in denial. Like I knew it was bad to drink every day but oh well, it wasn't that big of a deal to me then.
But now it is. And I have no idea how to stop. I have no idea how to go just one day without a drink. I've gotten back in to the pattern of drinking every day. I guess I am really an addict. Like sometimes I think what's wrong with me? But then I think alcohol is a drug - a socially acceptable one though. Like no one would believe it if a heroin addict said 'ahhhh, I'll just shoot up on the weekend, that way I can control it'. Like what?? Of course that's not controlling it - that's just limiting the destruction a bit. And opening the door to doing it once during the week, then twice, then every day. And yet I think it's hilarious to speak this way about heroin (ok I don't do any drug other than alcohol so I'm not speaking from experience here but just how it would sound to me if someone told me they were only going to do a bit of a drug) but for some reason, it doesn't seem as absurd when I say 'oh I'll just drink on the weekends'. Probably because that's what so many people do.
So it's obvious to me what I have to do. But fuck I don't want to live life without alcohol. Dumb dumb dumb!!!
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