Monday morning blues

I'm a bit down today and part of it is because it's Monday, hubbie went back to work, gone 10 hours a day and I'm at home with the kids all that time with nothing on, no plans.... but mostly I'm down because this morning I decided that I would not drink today.  I decided that I would not drink during the week so that I'm 100% and can do things in the evening etc etc... all the reasons why I always say I will quit drinking.

But now I'm down.  Like really down.  The thought of being here for another 7 hours until my husband comes home with nothing else to look forward to depresses me.  I like the thought of having a drink at the end of the day, to help me get through.

But let's be honest.  Being a SAHM is not what is causing me to drink.  When I used to work I also loved looking forward to having a drink at the end of the day to unwind.  For some reason, it's always been alcohol. 

I'm back in that battle - the I won't drink, maybe just one, maybe tomorrow I won't drink.. the 'no you can't'/ 'yes I can' battle with myself.  It's horrible.  I hate it.  I get so frustrated and annoyed.  And then I just give in and drink because I can't handle it anymore.

I know that when I stopped drinking completely for those two months I at least didn't have this internal war.  At least I had peace.  But I was also miserable about the thought of never drinking.  In an ideal world I'd just have a few drinks on a Friday and that's it.  In the real world, I try to have a drink and alternate with water and stop after a couple but once I start, I just want to get drunk.  What is it with that??  Last night I didn't want to open a second bottle of wine so I started in to bailey's.  On a Sunday night, after everyone else was in bed.

I'd say I'm ashamed, but more so I'm just pissed off that I can't seem to just break this habit/ cycle/ addiction (?).  It's such a waste of time and mindspace.  And the constant beating up on myself just makes me feel like crap.

I see three options here with problems associated with each.  One:  I give in to the drinking and stop fighting with myself over it.  Problem - I'll hate myself, I don't want to do this (obviously!).   Two:  I quit drinking altogether.  Problem - I am miserable with the thought of NEVER having another drink.  Three - Moderate my drinking.  Problem - I think this is great in theory but every time I have that first sip, I no longer want to moderate my drinking.  No matter what.  I just want to drink to get drunk.

I hate this.  I wish there was a magic wand that someone could wave to just take this problem away.  I don't understand why I have to go through this.  I am angry about the whole thing.

I heard this quote the other day:  “. . . hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else . . . . Wanting life to be different from what it is."  So I guess this means I'm in hell. 

I'm Back

I've been gone for ages. Here's what happened.  I went overseas for 2.5 months and totally planned to keep writing, wanted to, looked forward to it... but then I got worried that my family would see me in their computer history and I definitely am not ready for people I know to read me... especially when it's so personal.  So I fretted, and thought about it but in the end, I kept off the blog.

The other thing is that (of course) I started drinking again.  I went 2 months without a drink, so concerned that I was becoming like my parents.  A lot of the time, to be honest, I was miserable. Not on the day to day not drinking, but the thought of big occasions... not having a glass of wine at a wedding, or family gathering etc.  Well once I was home it turns out I just started eating my problems instead of drinking them.  After two months I decided I would drink again.

For the most part it's been ok. I mean I realised rather quickly that I would just replace the alcohol with food so obviously it's just a symptom of a deeper problem.  If I'm just going to replace one 'drug' with another I'm not solving anything by just trading one for the other.

But now that I'm back home I find myself in that all too familiar pattern... drink, tired next day, drink again. I  guess I thought that once I stopped drinking everything else would fall in place.  But it didn't.  And having two young kids and a house to run with basically no help, I just can't help but find comfort in alchohol.  I try not to beat myself up over it.  Not sure where to go from here.  But I'm back so I'll keep writing in the hopes of figuring it out.

Coming off anti-depressants

I think I've mentioned that I have had postnatal depression (PND or postpartum depression PPD - same thing).  I have pretty much had it since I got pregnat with my first son (I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't drink anymore but that's another story for another time), but it got really bad after we moved country while I was pregnant with my second.  Finally in November of last year I went to the Dr and asked to be put on antidepressants after speaking with my PND support group and hearing from them that it would really help.

So I've been on antidepressants for about 11 months.  I have been feeling much better - in fact the meds started working after about 6 weeks and I've definitely returned to 'normal'.  Since I've stopped drinking though, I've realised that I am not really feeling much joy.  I am certainly not depressed or down, but I don't feel that flutter in my chest or stomach, that bit of excitement about life.. or about something that I'm going to do during the day.  My feelings are just sort of level - no real highs. 

Last weekend I felt really down.  Coming in to Friday I was like woopie.  It's the weekend.  Big deal.  Nothing to look forward to anyway... the weekend is just the same as the week only my husband is home.  I don't really get a break - it's not like when I worked and the weekend was relax time... and party time.  Now it's just one big blah of the same ole same ole.  I wondered is this what life is going to be like without drink?  The first two weekends were great because I was on a high from stopping.  But last weekend was nothing spectacular... just the realisation that this is now how life is going to be from now on.

But then I started thinking - I actually have lots of exciting things going on in my life that I love.  I love doing my crafts and sewing, I've been exercising, heck I'm going overseas in a week to see my family... I realised something else was going on.  It wasn't so much that I was down, but the problem was that I wasn't feeling that joy. 

So I decided to start coming off my antidepressants.  I figure that the alcohol was keeping me from getting over that last hump of the depression - keeping me just sort of not really depressed, but not well enough to move on.  After all - alcohol is a depressant.  Yesterday I halved my pill instead of taking a whole one (have to come off antidpressants gradually) so that's what I'll do every second day.  My doctor has told me that the drug I'm on (citalopram) comes out of the system relatively quickly so that is good news for me.

I'm really looking forward to feeling joy again.  It's been quite a long time.  I'll post when it happens!

Two big events coming up

I've learned over the past little while to live each moment as it's own - not to worry about the future and past.  This is the only moment we can do something about, the past is over and the future has yet to come.  I find this very useful and try my best to live in the moment.  Except when I get stressed.

I have lots on my plate at the moment and I have a couple of big events coming up that I'm not sure how I will handle.  As I said, I'm trying not to think about them or worry, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself and figure out some techniques to use when the time comes.

The first big event is a family reunion this coming weekend.  It is my husband's family reunion and I am pretty sure everyone drinks.  The biggest issue is that we are staying on the Marae (my husband is a Maori New Zealander and this is a sacred meeting place.  Click the link for more info on Maori and Maraes) which means we will be staying for 3 nights.  That means once the party starts going there will be no escape.  Well almost.  I plan to go to bed with the kids since we sleep on the Marae but in a different place than where people will be partying.  Because the kids are so young I don't really want to leave them alone in there anyway. 

But that's not really the problem of course.  The problem is that I don't know how I'll be with all that partying going on.  Last time I was there I had a 'great' time... read I got super trashed, danced and was the life of the party (or so I thought... who knows, maybe people were laughing AT me, not WITH me) and the next day I was so hungover and sick I could barely make it to the car for the 6 hour drive home.  What will people think?  Will they think I'm lame and boring?  And lets face it, drunk people are annoying... so how long will I be able to suffer the repetative stories, slurred speech and general incoherence of drunk people while I'm sober?  And will I feel like I miss the drinking? 

So there's that.

And the other thing.  I'm leaving in 10 days to go and spend 2.5 months with my family.  That's right... I'm hoping on a plane (well 4 to be exact) with my 1 and 3 year old, on my own, to spend 2 weeks with my brother and his family and then 2 months with my parents.  My husband won't be with us until December 15th because he has to work. 

Did I mention they all drink?  My parents drink excessivley.  Not really sure how I'm going to handle all that.

AA and me

So I've been going to AA meetings on Monday nights.  I've eluded to this in earlier posts so here I am to talk about it.  I've been to 3 Monday night meetings, tonight will be my 4th.  I have a sponsor and she has come to my house once a week since I started with AA and she stays for about an hour.  We read from 'The Big Book'.

The thing is, I don't really think AA is for me.  I am hesitant to be blatently honest about my thoughts and feelings on AA because I don't want to offend anyone but I need to get this off my chest.

Ok, I love meeting up with other alcoholics and I do love hearing their stories.  I relate to them more than I don't in that it seems to be a problem of control, and not how much one drinks or how often one drinks.  It is good for me to hear other stories and to know I'm not alone.  It's also something to look forward to when I'm having a bad time and I know that I can express my hard time with other people who understand.

But that's where the joy of AA ends for me.  As with many groups, there is the gossip, the expert, the forboding warner of failing... etc etc.  Also, the only requirement for someone in AA is meant to be the desire to stop drinking.  BUT... they recommend that you follow the 12 steps, that you go to at least 3 meetings a week (a week!!) and meet with your sponsor once a week.  And they strongly suggest this.  Repeatedly.  And you have to accept that you are powerless to alcohol and that only God (or your higher power of choice) can stop you from drinking.  That you have no mental defence against that first drink.

I have several problems with this.  The first is that I'm not totally sure that alcoholism is a disease.  The second is that they say I have to admit that I can not control alcohol (fair enough) and that my life was out of control.  My drinking was out of control, but my life wasn't out of control.  I mean it definitely wasn't ideal and I was really tired and felt unwell most of the time but it wasn't out of control.  I didn't have my kids taken off me, I didn't get told to go to AA (quite the opposite, in fact).  I didn't hit rock bottom.  I chose to go because I wanted a better life.  My decision.  My choice to stop drinking.  Which they also don't believe in.  I've only gotten as far as the second step so I don't really know what else is to come. 

Another thing is that my sponsor comes over and we just read from 'The Big Book' which is the AA handbook... we just read.  We don't really discuss what sort of problems we are facing with not drinking or how to deal with things... because apparently the answers are all there in the book.  I'd rather discuss and work together to find soloutions.

Every meeting the new-ish people say that they look to the ones who have been there for a long time and the newbies say 'I want what they have'.  I think to myself.. I don't!  I don't want to be sitting here in 7 years, going to 3 AA meetings a week discussing how I am an alcoholic and how I am still working on it every day.  Three meetings a week for 7 years?!  That almost takes up more of my time than drinking did (almost). 

Which leads me to my final problem and perhaps the biggest one that I have.  AA is fraught with Catch-22s.  If you don't believe in these steps you are doomed to fail.  If you don't believe that your life with alcohol was out of control then you are doomed to fall off the wagon.   If you don't go to 3 meetings a week then you are complacent and you will drink again.

There is no recognition of other methods used in conjunction with group meetings to get off the booze.  For these reasons I don't think AA is for me.  But... I keep going to my one meeting a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week.  Why?  For sure I like meeting up with other alcoholics and talking to them and hearing their stories.  Also because I feel I need that bit of a safety net... having a group of people supporting me and there for me and to help me through potential rough times.  And also, sadly, because I'm not sure if they're right or not and I'm a bit worried that maybe I am in denial and they're right - that I'm doing exactly what will make me drink in the long run.  I don't really believe that, but I'm so new to this that I'm a bit scared and don't want to take the chance.

Hard day on Sunday

Sunday was my first born's 3rd birthday.  Getting ready for the party, I was half pleased that I wasn't drinking during the prep and definitely felt little stress because I didn't have to think about when I could drink and how much to drink so I remained relatively sober while my mommy friends were here... and I was also half struggling because let's face it, I always 'celebrated' every occasion, good or bad, with wine.  So it was a new experience.  I was coping... until.....

A friend of mine showed up and I saw a wine bottle in her bag.  Seriously.  Like ok, she doesn't know I'm an 'alcoholic' or the extent of my drinking, but she does know that I quit drinking.  On the one hand, who shows up to a 3 year old's party with booze?  But on the other, just in May we had my youngest's 1st birthday and it was a booze blow out.  And in her defence she doesn't know I'm struggling with quitting and I'm learning that for people who don't drink like I do it's no big deal to have one or two.. but on the other hand, at least ask if it's ok, no?

I had no idea how I was going to do it.  I just felt this panic welling up inside me. I had also skyped with my parents earlier in the day and they were sitting there drinking so I had already been wondering how I was going to make it, visiting them for 2 months and not drinking... and now a friend shows up with wine so here I was wondering what the point was, did I pick the wrong time to stop?  Should I just forget it?  Go on, have a drink.  But I knew where that would lead me.

So I'm in the kitchen, texting my sponsor (ya I did that) and my husband comes in and says he's just going to pop out to the shop.  Ok fine.  But then he asks me to hold putting the food out (which I'm just about to do) until he gets back.  So I ask him what he's doing and he says getting a box [of beer].  What?  Like ok, I get it.  Up until 3 weeks ago I would've been saying ya get me wine too.. but I'm not.  I'm not drinking anymore.  And I was a bit upset.  I mean are we really going to put the food on hold for booze?  And I am in the process of quitting - can we have some respect for that?  Anyway, I could feel I was reaching a desperation of sorts so I didn't say anything and he decided to change his mind (haha 'decided').  I stayed in the kitchen for a bit and started to feel better.  I got a call from another aa memeber and it was half ok half a bit 'God-y' for me but regardless there was some good that came of it.  I actually felt better as soon as I had started the text to my sponsor.  It was just a release for me.

So the day carried on and I didn't think about alcohol again.  My friend and her husband had a few and no one else did.  I chatted with another friend who just doesn't drink who was at the party and that was good too.  Everyone left and my husband's cousin had showed up from out of town and they sat around and started drinking.  I was knackered from both the party and the emotional day I'd had so I went and watched tv.  I had a nice relaxing time, thankful I didn't drink.  I woke up the next day and was happy for the same reason.

Today I am 11 days sober and proud of it.

One Week Sober

I made it through Friday night.  It wasn't that hard this week - I think last week did teach me a big lesson.  I now realise I can't have just one... I don't actually want just one.  When I drink, I have no interest in moderating my drinking.  When I drink, I want to get drunk.  So in many ways it is easier to just not drink than to try to moderate or 'control' my drinking. 

In one week I already find things are better.  Just the stress relief of not fighting with myself every day ...  Do I drink?  Not drink?  I'll only have 1.  Or 2.  No I won't drink.  And on and on.

Another thing that's better is just being present with my kids.  And I'm not talking about how I wasn't present just when I was drinking.. it was most of the day .. thinking about drinking or trying to not drink.  And I feel like I was basically always trying to run away from them, to just get to the end of the day so I could 'relax' with a drink.  This past week - and I know it's early days - I have actually spent time with them, just sat with them.  I have spent time out with them, at a cafe, at the mall, just having fun.  I'm no longer stressed waiting for my husband to get home at 5:20.  I now feel like it's no big deal.  I can just sit with them at the end of the day... lay on the carpet and let them crawl all over me.  I'm just more relaxed.

Is this actually possible?  In one week?  I love that drinking is just not an option.  The first week I 'quit' before I had my friday night binge, I was sad the whole week when I thought of certain things - how would I celebrate New Year's without a drink?  Next week we're going away, it's sad I'm the only one who won't be drinking... etc etc.  Now I feel relief.  I know I won't drink.  I still have to figure out HOW I won't drink but I know I won't.  It's not even an option for me.

Today is the first Saturday I have woken up in as long as I can remember not being hungover or still drunk.  Today I woke up satisfied.  Happy with myself.  Tired, but still happy inside.