My 6 month sober-versary

As of today I have been sober for 6 months.  That's no small feat.  I was thinking this morning as I realised how long I've been sober for that I've been beating myself up about dieting and losing weight and eating better and feeling like I just can't do it ... then I thought - if I can stop drinking, I can do anything! Maybe I am just used to beating myself up, but today I stop.  Today I focus on what I have done.  6 months ago I was tired of waking up exhausted, deflated, angry and disappointed with myself, a hangover along with a peircing feeling under my skin just from all the alcohol coursing through  my body.  I had no time for anything really.  I was irritable and short with everyone, including my kids.

Today I wake up a bit tired (because my son got up before 6!!) but fine.  I am happy that it's Valentine's day and I'm planning to wear pink and make a nice dinner for my family, along with a heart-shaped pav for dessert.  I am excited about growing my business after meeting with a business coach yesterday.  I'm off to a music class with my little guy and a new friend... and I know I won't sit through the music class in pain, waiting for the annoying songs to finish so we can have a cup of coffee and I can zone out.  Instead I'll be singing along and clapping.  And perhaps my little guy will nap when we get home so I can try out my new sewing machine!!

Life is by no means perfect, but I can't even tell you how much BETTER it is.  Much better than I ever thought it would be.  I thought I'd miss drinking, and honestly, sometimes it bothers me to think that somewhere in the future I'll never be able to enjoy just one glass of wine.  But I don't want it now.  I don't want alcohol AT ALL and if you knew me, you would find that unbelievable. 

If you are thinking about quitting and are sick of the cycle of wanting to quit, giving it to drinking then feeling guilty about it (or whatever rut you are caught in) just talk to someone.  Talk to a doctor, talk to an alcohol counsellor.  Talk to a friend.  Talk to yourself in a blog or a journal... or do whatever works for you.  Keep thinking about it and get closer to trying it (but do it with medical help if you are addicted to alcohol!!).  Talk to me if you like.  Email me rosielife@hotmail.com, post on my blog or just keep reading.  I'm no expert .. but I there were people I looked to when I was still drinking (thank you Mrs D and One Crafty Mother!) who helped me see there is life after alcohol.  And life is good.

Trying to get back on track

I've finished painting our bedrooms and now just have to finish unpacking.  I went to weight watchers today after two weeks off and haven't gained too much.  I was thinking I need to find a way to get back on track and then I realised that simply going to the meeting is getting back on track... I also went for a nice long walk with my little guy.  Still eating garbage though, and have no energy as a result.  It's really hard to kick this sugar habit.  I was reading an article today about the addictiveness (is that a word??) of sugar and how hard it is to kick.  I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself since it is hard to stop but sometimes I just think what's wrong with me??  I used to be able to just make a decision and go with it no matter what... and now I just can't seem to do that.  But I'm back on the road anyway, tracking what I'm eating so I know exactly what I am eating.  I remember when I did that with drinking - just seeing it on paper is pretty jarring... there is no escaping what is going in my body when I write it down! 

In other news, I am meeting with a business coach tomorrow about my small business.  I really want to focus on it this year as I'd like to be earning an income from it.  I'm quite excited!  But it also means I need to get a few more boxes out of our living room before noon tomorrow haha!

It's Getting to me

The mess that is.  So I am in the process of painting the bedrooms which means I haven't unpacked from the move and we have boxes EVERYWHERE!  To make matters worse, the boys are sleeping in our room while we paint ... so on top of the boxes, we now have a single bed in our living room and I feel like I'm tripping over stuff every time I turn around.  I realised today that I just need to get their room done asap! 

I also have a huge food hangover.  We have been eating absolute garbage for over a week now.  Sugar like crazy.  I'm not one of those super healthy people who treats their body like a temple that you need to roll your eyes at because I think I'm so great for being healthy... because I'm not!  I have watched what I ate before, but not until recently did I try to come off sugar.  I did the 17 day diet just before Christmas and much like drinking, I didn't realise how bad I felt til I came off the junk... meaning once I cut sugar out for a while, now I really feel it's effects.  I'm groggy, cranky, lethargic etc etc.  I just need to come off it again.  It's hard with so much other upheaval and I also want to maintain my sobriety so I've turned to food.  In the end it's just another substance to help me 'deal' with life but in the end, it just makes things worse.

So today I'm making a point of eating more fresh food.  I know I'll have more energy, be able to get these jobs finished and get better sleep if I do.  I just need to make time for it.  Wish me luck - I know it's not going to be easy... but I hope to eat a bit better today.

We have moved

Well things are much better then they were on my last post!  I think it's safe to say that I was at the end of my rope that day but now... well we have moved.  Since then, we found a house that was a really great price, in a good area (close to my 2 closest friends so how good is that!) and it just really has a good flow and is just really cute and homey.

So we moved in on Feb 1st and there are still boxes everywhere but I've decided to paint the bedrooms first so .. it'll be a work in progress for a while.  I've already painted the spare room (guest room I suppose!) and have just finished the trim on the boys' room.  After that I'll do our room then repaint the wood panelling in the lounge/ dining area and that's the painting done.  I have heaps of fabric chosen and plan to make all kinds of stuff.

That's the thing with not drinking.  So much more time to do lovely things.  I think that's what used to put me off about not drinking.. the loooong days.  But I was just painting in the boys' room and just had all these things come to me, thinking about all kinds of stuff, thinking about blogging, my cousin (who just got engaged - yey!!), my good friends back home.... listening to my husband giggling out in the lounge at some dumb show he's watching... and I just felt so good.  Felt so happy just to be decorating and making my house pretty.

I've had a weird week though.  I have had alcohol thoughts pop up randomly where they really hadn't been before.  I drove by a bottle shop on my way home from kindy pick up the other day and thought 'I would be stopping there every day on my way home... .well maybe not every day... I mean I wouldn't want the shop workers to know I drank that much'... and things like that.  Not sure if anyone else has gone through this?  It's weird - I suppose I thought moving to a new house where I have no association with drinking would make me think less about alcohol but I've had a few of these thoughts lately.

On the bright side - when my cousin told me he got engaged and we skyped and I heard all the lovey-dovey details and told him I would be coming to the wedding for sure.... I realised after we finished our conversation that I was genuinely excited to be going and my initial thought (for once) wasn't 'how will I cope with everyone drinking' and now it's more I'm so glad I will be sober so that I can enjoy and remember the occasion.  Also, he doesn't drink much and neither do his parents so it won't be the booze-fest our reception was.  It will be a bit classy.  Yey - I can buy a gorgeous dress :)

I give up

So we still haven't found a house to buy and we also can't seem to find a house to rent... And now my husband and I are not talking because I lost the plot and yelled at him last night.  This is the last thing we need right now, and now I feel isolated and all alone in our house with the kids who are basically fighting all the time.  Just now I sat down and thought that I could, should just get a bottle of wine.  My usual thought of knowing where it will quickly lead (to me being drunk every day) is not enough of a deterrent which surprises me because it always has been.  So now I just think make it til 5pm and I'll walk out of the house as soon as my husband walks in.  I just need to make it to 5pm.  I used to say that but for wine.  But then I know that won't be a break, it'll just keep me trapped in the house anyway.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  I wish he knew the struggle I go through.  I wish he appreciated just how hard I work every day.  Not just on the house and raising the kids but on the sobriety.  It may look easy, but it's not.  And I'm doing awesome and it's unnoticed.

Waiting Waiting

So we're still (STILL!) in the process of this whole house-selling/ buying thing.  We've had our house on the market for what feels like forever, and we have sold.  We have made an offer on another house but there was already a conditional on it so they have 3 days to become unconditional.  Because everything was shut over Christmas, the 3 days started yesterday which means they have til the end of tomorrow to become unconditional or walk away.  This is the reader's digest version - the long story involves lots of frustration with the real estate agents who didn't bring our offer to the owners (long, long story).  We have been trying to make an offer since early December.  Anyway, I know it will be coming to a close tomorrow one way or another, but the stress is definitely getting to me.

Yesterday I went for a 3 hour walk with the kids, today we (thankfully) have a kid's bday party to go to.  I am trying to remain positive, and trying to think that I just want whatever is best for us to work out.. to rely on greater powers to have this conclude in the best way possible for our family... but it's really hard for me to just let go and not spend my day praying/ hoping/ willing things to turn out the way I want them to!  And during all this, I'm just emotionally exhausted.  Is that normal?  Like I am just so worn out.  I'm sure it doesn't help that we've just been on holiday and to quote Clare from Modern Family 'I'm a stay at home Mum, this isn't a holiday, it's a business trip'.  All Mum's know that holidaying with a 2 and 4 year old is just more work!  And now it's school holidays and my rugrats are insane so that keeps me busy.... but on top of that is the stress that we don't know where we'll be living on Feb 1st and we just really, really want this place.

Anyway, thought maybe typing would help a bit.  Not sure if I should hope for what I want, leave it to the universe or just sleep til the end of tomorrow (haha - I wish!!!).

My first sober Christmas

Well obviously it isn't my first ever sober Christmas - I mean I didn't drink when I was a kid... and not when I was pregnant... but this is my first sober Christmas since I started my drinking career where I myself have chosen not to drink and not just gotten drunk or had sobriety forced on me because of pregnancy ;)  And I have to say, it was faaaarking hard!  I really wasn't expecting it.  I mean mentally I knew it would be difficult because we went to Australia to stay with my in-laws and that was always a party place for me - a place where I could drink relatively guilt free because I was on 'holiday' and everyone was drinking with me (or not, but everyone thought I was a hard-working mum who deserved the break). 

I guess I spent most of my time preparing for my brother in law's 40th birthday party and how I would deal with that.. . but I wasn't prepared for the day to day going-ons of Christmas and holiday drinking.  I arrived to my husband's 20 year old neice telling her boyfriend how 'awesome' I was and how funny I am sober, but man I'm really hilarious when I'm drunk.... and then she continued on saying 'I heard you're not drinking, who am I going to do shots with?!  You are the best to drink with!".  And I had such a hard time with this.  I really felt like I was facing my demons head on.  I suppose I was.  I was really unsure how I was going to deal with it all.  I wanted to blog for support/ to get things off my chest but couldn't due to computer issues there.  I just had to deal with it.  I talked to my hubby about it a bit.  I mean the thing is, I drank a lot because I loved it.  I didn't hate it.  And I knew I was heaps of fun ... and now I'm just not going to be that crazy funny hilarious do anything girl. 

BUT looking at it now, I think way more clearly about it.  I mean why do I want to be a party animal to a 20 year old?  I'm 40 now.  That's actually a bit embarrasing.  And that's part of why I quit drinking.  Oh well, no more having to listen to droning on drunk people talk about stuff I don't give a rat's ass about just so I can bum smokes from them ... smokes that I will feel sooo guilty for having when I wake the next day.  So I made it through that night.

I also made it through the bday party.  BIL (brother-in-law) had a family bbq during the day which was nice so I could be a part of something.  By this point I had started talking about my not drinking.  It was still super hard being there because everyone was drinking and I felt like a boring old person.  But then I left, and as soon as I left the pressure on my chest left as well.  I drove around the area with my kids and stopped at McDonald's on the way home.  It was actually really great, me and my 2 boys sitting there having a little treat and me just laughing at them being cute.  I realised I would've missed out on this if I was drinking.  And I wouldn't have even known that I was missing out on this because I would've been too focussed on getting drunk!

So I made it through the holiday and woke up every day feeling great - even if I was tired.  I never had a hang over, I never stayed up too late, I read my book on my new e-reader (bday gift from my hubbie - LOVE!!! it) and I did heaps HEAPS of fabric shopping and clothes shopping ... and still spent far less than I would've drinking.  And now I'm back home in the safety of my house and my little life that makes not drinking much easier.