I realise that I haven't really talked much about who I am and I figure it's time. Rosie is not my real name, and neither are the names of my kids etc. I feel some need to remain annonymous because it allows me an honesty I wouldn't otherwise have. So here goes - a bit about me....
I'm 39 years old, originally from Canada but currently living in New Zealand with my husband and two boys. I lived in Scotland for 4 years and that's where I met my man... we got engaged and decided to head for NZ but stopped in Australia on our way and lived there for 2 years. During that time we got married, had our first son (J-bird) and got pregnant with our second (Nicky) and decided it was time to settle down. We moved to NZ when I was very pregnant, sold the house my husband already owned here, bought a new one and have stayed put since!
Pretty much since I fell pregnant with J-bird I suffered from Postnatal Depression (as it is called here in NZ, but it's called Postpartum Depression in Canada... I'll refer to it as PND/ PPD). Moving countries, knowing noone, having no support network and being undiagnosed for ages caused us years of grief. And a lot of drinking on my part. I didn't drink during either of my pregnancies, but spent a lot of time 'self medicating' on alcohol outside of my pregnancies. But my alcohol abuse goes back further than that - I have used alcohol to deal with the pressures of life, to celebrate happy events, to drown my sorrows pretty much since I was a teanager. I think not being able to drink during my pregnancies caused me a lot of grief because I really felt like I was going without - being deprived of my constant companion.
Now I'm doing much better. After being on anti-depressants for a year, I am finally off them and able to take better care of myself. I am trying to get healthy and fit - both physically and mentally. I have cut down on my drinking, not quitting quite yet. I leave it to the weekends and for the most part I am ok with my still drinking. I don't miss it during the week and never think of having it on weekdays anymore. For this reason, I am in a much better place all around.
Because my alcohol is 'under control' I realise I have many other issues that haven't been addressed. I will talk a lot about my alcohol on this blog, but also I am starting to talk more about some of the other issues I face. I am working through things to live a better life. I think we all have things we'd like to change. Alcohol is just one of them for me. I know most people have been reading this because of my many posts about alcohol and me - but I hope you will continue to join me on my journey as I branch out and discuss other things, working through them to live the best life I possibly can.
Thanks forn reading :)
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Stress, stress and more stress
This morning I woke up a bit tired and groggy but otherwise ok (no hangover!!). But by the time I had made the kids their milo and made my eldest son's breakfast, I realised I was really stressed. This used to happen to me a lot when I had postnatal depression and I learned not to do too much in the morings because that was a major cause of the stress. But today I didn't really have much to be stressed about... not really sure what was going on.
I dropped both my kids off - one at kindy, the other to daycare. I think I mentioned I've got my little one in daycare to ease him in to the transition when I start working.... But anyway, I was on my way back home thinking thinking thinking about what is going on with me. I'm stressed about working, I don't want to work, I do want to work. Everyone has their opinion on whether or not I should work. I need to talk about it but everyone has their own agenda. I decide I'm going to call the counsellor I used to go to last year and talk to her. She's a half hour drive away but it would be worth it...
BUT ... then I decided to hop on my crosstrainer. I decided I would 'do nothing' to solve my problem. I'm the type of person who's focused on finding a solution now. But this time I decided not to. Twenty minutes of cardio later and I figured something out. If I had gone to my counsellor, it would take over 2 hours out of my 'day off'. By day off I mean the kids are not here. And I realised maybe that's why I'm stressing and wanting to go talk to someone. I'm scared... either to have time to myself, to take time for myself or ... even bigger... to work on my business. I could spend that 2 hours sewing and creating. But I was going to chose not too.
I've now changed my mind and am going to stay home to sew and generally do what I want (and not the things that need to be done like cleaning the fridge or mowing the lawn). But I've also realised over this past week that I need to find a way to handle my stress. I always used to stuff down the stress and 'reward' myself with a drink. I mean my parents ALWAYS had a drink after the end of the workday to 'wind down'' so it's what's been modelled to me. But I need to find another way. Now, after 20 years of doing it this way (ok in my 20's I didn't drink every day but I got bombed on the weekends so that was my reward - and I could hold off during the week knowing I was going out on the weekends) I am open to learning new ways to handle stress. I have been doing a lot of deep breathing, talking quietly to my kids... thinking about taking a meditation course in stress....
Overall I'm feeling much better now and am happy I didn't race off to the next thing that would 'make me feel better'. I realise today that sometimes it isn't about doing something - it's nothing at all.
I have SO much to write about... really want to be blogging more! Where to find time...
I dropped both my kids off - one at kindy, the other to daycare. I think I mentioned I've got my little one in daycare to ease him in to the transition when I start working.... But anyway, I was on my way back home thinking thinking thinking about what is going on with me. I'm stressed about working, I don't want to work, I do want to work. Everyone has their opinion on whether or not I should work. I need to talk about it but everyone has their own agenda. I decide I'm going to call the counsellor I used to go to last year and talk to her. She's a half hour drive away but it would be worth it...
BUT ... then I decided to hop on my crosstrainer. I decided I would 'do nothing' to solve my problem. I'm the type of person who's focused on finding a solution now. But this time I decided not to. Twenty minutes of cardio later and I figured something out. If I had gone to my counsellor, it would take over 2 hours out of my 'day off'. By day off I mean the kids are not here. And I realised maybe that's why I'm stressing and wanting to go talk to someone. I'm scared... either to have time to myself, to take time for myself or ... even bigger... to work on my business. I could spend that 2 hours sewing and creating. But I was going to chose not too.
I've now changed my mind and am going to stay home to sew and generally do what I want (and not the things that need to be done like cleaning the fridge or mowing the lawn). But I've also realised over this past week that I need to find a way to handle my stress. I always used to stuff down the stress and 'reward' myself with a drink. I mean my parents ALWAYS had a drink after the end of the workday to 'wind down'' so it's what's been modelled to me. But I need to find another way. Now, after 20 years of doing it this way (ok in my 20's I didn't drink every day but I got bombed on the weekends so that was my reward - and I could hold off during the week knowing I was going out on the weekends) I am open to learning new ways to handle stress. I have been doing a lot of deep breathing, talking quietly to my kids... thinking about taking a meditation course in stress....
Overall I'm feeling much better now and am happy I didn't race off to the next thing that would 'make me feel better'. I realise today that sometimes it isn't about doing something - it's nothing at all.
I have SO much to write about... really want to be blogging more! Where to find time...
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Feelin Pain
So last night I was talking to my husband about something I felt bad about doing and he agreed (in a very nice way!) that ya it wasn't the best. At first I was upset at him because I had wanted him to make me feel better. But then I was glad that he spoke his mind. He often doesn't... and then he comes down hard on me when I get upset about something - which I've only just recently learned. Oops... going off track!
This was one of the first times I didn't even THINK of reaching for a glass/ bottle of wine to 'deal' with the pain. I decided to just sit with it (the pain that is, not the wine haha!). I knew that it would hurt, I knew I'd feel bad, but I also knew it wouldn't kill me. I felt the prickly feeling in my nose that I get just before tears come. And I just sat. And without even thinking about it, I just knew I would change my behaviour for the better. It was about my kids and just having more patience. I was so upset with myself for not being so patient and sometimes losing my cool. But it was a good wake up call for me. To feel that way and to know I was going to change it. Not so long ago - like really not long, a couple of weeks ago - I would've just drank away the pain and not learned anything from it.
Sure it hurt, it felt horrible, but it's not the end of the world. Today I would up feeling good, and I still feel good.
Just a short post but man that is a massive thing for me. To just feel pain and not do anything about it. Especially not drink. Wow.
Oh - btw - haven't blogged for a while because I had a job interview this week and it totally threw me off.. had two days to prepare for the interview and get clothes (nothing fits!) and all the stress.... which is why I've been less patient than usual but still not an excuse. Hectic week - glad it's friday!!!
This was one of the first times I didn't even THINK of reaching for a glass/ bottle of wine to 'deal' with the pain. I decided to just sit with it (the pain that is, not the wine haha!). I knew that it would hurt, I knew I'd feel bad, but I also knew it wouldn't kill me. I felt the prickly feeling in my nose that I get just before tears come. And I just sat. And without even thinking about it, I just knew I would change my behaviour for the better. It was about my kids and just having more patience. I was so upset with myself for not being so patient and sometimes losing my cool. But it was a good wake up call for me. To feel that way and to know I was going to change it. Not so long ago - like really not long, a couple of weeks ago - I would've just drank away the pain and not learned anything from it.
Sure it hurt, it felt horrible, but it's not the end of the world. Today I would up feeling good, and I still feel good.
Just a short post but man that is a massive thing for me. To just feel pain and not do anything about it. Especially not drink. Wow.
Oh - btw - haven't blogged for a while because I had a job interview this week and it totally threw me off.. had two days to prepare for the interview and get clothes (nothing fits!) and all the stress.... which is why I've been less patient than usual but still not an excuse. Hectic week - glad it's friday!!!
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
It's not only about the alcohol - 30 days of positive change
Of course there are many factors in my life and right now - and especially here - I am focussing on my drinking. I know this is the biggest factor in my life right now but I also hope to write a bit more about other aspects of my life. I think I have a pretty good life over all and I like who I am... I have lots of different interests and thoughts on different things. I do hope to spend some time talking about those. A part of me feels that if I always talk about the alcohol, I'll always focus on the alcohol. I didn't want it to be a central part of my life when I was drinking, and I certainly don't want it to be the focal point when I'm not!!
So today I'm talking about something else. I've been feeling like crap lately. I know the drinking has been a huge part of that but also a huge part of me not taking care of myself. I am tired of feeling so horrible/ lethargic/ bloated/ overweight etc etc etc. No this is not a public flogging, this is just saying where I'm at. I am now almost back to the weight I was when my second son was born (boo hoo!).
BUT I'm making a change. My usual method is to say 'Ok no more drinking AND I'm going to cut out sugar, junk food, fizzies, full-fat dairy etc AND I'm going to only eat natural, whole foods'. Which lasts about a day and then I go insane and I"m guzzling wine all night, have a big binge of food to soak up all that booze and then I'm at Burger King the next day getting a greasy/ sugar fix to make me feel better.
So I'm not going to do that. But I do want to feel better. I'm very aware that taking on too much right now is not good for me in my plight against alcohol. I am also very aware that I have never been this healthy in my life.
I've decided that instead of elimintaing things and making myself feel deprived, I am going to add healthy things to my diet instead. Thus I've started 30 Days of Positive Change. I'm on day four and here's how it's looking:
Day 1: Swap white bread for whole grain bread
Day 2: Chose low-fat dairy
Day 3: Drink 4 large glasses of water (measured mine and it works out to 1.2 litres)
Day 4: Take a multi-vitamin
These things are cumulative - so once I've added it to the list, no going back. The idea is that it takes 21 days to form a habit so hopefully by the end of these 30 days I'll be well on my way to having made at least some of these things a regular habit that I no longer think about. I'm going to put this list as a page here to keep me honest (last night I almost caved and almost had white bread with dinner but this will help keep me straight!).
After the 30 days I will then plan to start cutting out the 'bad' stuff. But right now, I want to focus on treating myself well and giving myself more - so this mindset is going to help that - and help me not feel deprived.
It's working. Today I feel really good about myself. It's my 4th day of not drinking and I am over the withdrawl symptoms I had.. and I'm feeling really good mentally and better a bit physically. And I'm a bit proud of myself :)
So today I'm talking about something else. I've been feeling like crap lately. I know the drinking has been a huge part of that but also a huge part of me not taking care of myself. I am tired of feeling so horrible/ lethargic/ bloated/ overweight etc etc etc. No this is not a public flogging, this is just saying where I'm at. I am now almost back to the weight I was when my second son was born (boo hoo!).
BUT I'm making a change. My usual method is to say 'Ok no more drinking AND I'm going to cut out sugar, junk food, fizzies, full-fat dairy etc AND I'm going to only eat natural, whole foods'. Which lasts about a day and then I go insane and I"m guzzling wine all night, have a big binge of food to soak up all that booze and then I'm at Burger King the next day getting a greasy/ sugar fix to make me feel better.
So I'm not going to do that. But I do want to feel better. I'm very aware that taking on too much right now is not good for me in my plight against alcohol. I am also very aware that I have never been this healthy in my life.
I've decided that instead of elimintaing things and making myself feel deprived, I am going to add healthy things to my diet instead. Thus I've started 30 Days of Positive Change. I'm on day four and here's how it's looking:
Day 1: Swap white bread for whole grain bread
Day 2: Chose low-fat dairy
Day 3: Drink 4 large glasses of water (measured mine and it works out to 1.2 litres)
Day 4: Take a multi-vitamin
These things are cumulative - so once I've added it to the list, no going back. The idea is that it takes 21 days to form a habit so hopefully by the end of these 30 days I'll be well on my way to having made at least some of these things a regular habit that I no longer think about. I'm going to put this list as a page here to keep me honest (last night I almost caved and almost had white bread with dinner but this will help keep me straight!).
After the 30 days I will then plan to start cutting out the 'bad' stuff. But right now, I want to focus on treating myself well and giving myself more - so this mindset is going to help that - and help me not feel deprived.
It's working. Today I feel really good about myself. It's my 4th day of not drinking and I am over the withdrawl symptoms I had.. and I'm feeling really good mentally and better a bit physically. And I'm a bit proud of myself :)
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
And drink I did
Yep. I had decided that I was going to drink on Tuesday and I definitely did. Even though I actually didn't want to. Even though I had to actually talk myself in to it. Who knows why I did that.. but I drank.
And it was messy. I've always been pretty good for the most part when I drink but not lately. Lately I have to drink more than a bottle of wine and I get messy. I start talking trash.. saying dumb things. I don't really want to get it in to but man, that is not the life I want.
I have drawn yet another line in the sand. I didn't drink last night (yey!) and I'm not drinking tonight. I've made an appointment with an alcohol counsellor.
The thing is - I know none of this is going to magically make me want to stop drinking. The want thing needs to not matter. The fact is that I HAVE to stop drinking the way that I do. I either have to learn how to moderate, or quit completely.
So now I figure out HOW to do that. I was thinking today about how I always seem to (lately) 'treat' myself with food or booze. The food is always food that is bad for me... makes me wonder how I ever developed the idea of treating myself by damaging myself. I see it everywhere though - oh I've been good all week, I'll treat myself with a piece of cake. What??? There are many things that we can treat ourselves with that do not have to be ingested! What about a nice bath, a massage? A facial. All these things that I always think I don't have enough money for... but I always have $8 lying around for a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine a week is $56 a week. And let's be honest, on the weekends it's more like 2 bottles of wine a night because it's party time!
It's time for me to start thinking about what I gain from being sober and present in the moment. Small things like having a hearty laugh the other night with my husband over something silly. Big things like starting my own business. Medium things like just going through the day not being irritable and impatient because I'm hung over/ want a drink.
There are so many things I want to do - I love to sew, to read, to go out for coffee in the evenings. Last time I quit I thought I'd automatically be able to do all these things right away but I was still so tired so I started thinking 'I may as well drink, I can't do anything else'. And of course there were so many people that helped me convince myself that it's all ok, I'm too hard on myself. I am a mum of 2 young kids and I need my time to relax.
Why can't I relax with a run? A walk? A book? Really, drinking doesn't make me relax does it? I am constantly worried - is my glass full enough or will I have to get back up? Don't spill my wine! What time is it? Is it too soon to start? Do I have enough for tonight? Ya that sounds really relaxing doesn't it? And the reality is that once I start, I'm in my own world. Literally. I mean it's a drug - it alters our perception. It distorts reality. It slows down the though process... how can I be in any other world but my own once I start.
Yes, knowing all this and breaking the habit/ addiction are two different things. I need to write more. As muddled and all over the place this post is, it's about me working through what I'm doing. And right now I am all over the place because even as I post this I'm secretly thinking... can I have a drink on Friday? Just once a week? I KNOW the answer is no. I'm working on how to make that my reality.
And it was messy. I've always been pretty good for the most part when I drink but not lately. Lately I have to drink more than a bottle of wine and I get messy. I start talking trash.. saying dumb things. I don't really want to get it in to but man, that is not the life I want.
I have drawn yet another line in the sand. I didn't drink last night (yey!) and I'm not drinking tonight. I've made an appointment with an alcohol counsellor.
The thing is - I know none of this is going to magically make me want to stop drinking. The want thing needs to not matter. The fact is that I HAVE to stop drinking the way that I do. I either have to learn how to moderate, or quit completely.
So now I figure out HOW to do that. I was thinking today about how I always seem to (lately) 'treat' myself with food or booze. The food is always food that is bad for me... makes me wonder how I ever developed the idea of treating myself by damaging myself. I see it everywhere though - oh I've been good all week, I'll treat myself with a piece of cake. What??? There are many things that we can treat ourselves with that do not have to be ingested! What about a nice bath, a massage? A facial. All these things that I always think I don't have enough money for... but I always have $8 lying around for a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine a week is $56 a week. And let's be honest, on the weekends it's more like 2 bottles of wine a night because it's party time!
It's time for me to start thinking about what I gain from being sober and present in the moment. Small things like having a hearty laugh the other night with my husband over something silly. Big things like starting my own business. Medium things like just going through the day not being irritable and impatient because I'm hung over/ want a drink.
There are so many things I want to do - I love to sew, to read, to go out for coffee in the evenings. Last time I quit I thought I'd automatically be able to do all these things right away but I was still so tired so I started thinking 'I may as well drink, I can't do anything else'. And of course there were so many people that helped me convince myself that it's all ok, I'm too hard on myself. I am a mum of 2 young kids and I need my time to relax.
Why can't I relax with a run? A walk? A book? Really, drinking doesn't make me relax does it? I am constantly worried - is my glass full enough or will I have to get back up? Don't spill my wine! What time is it? Is it too soon to start? Do I have enough for tonight? Ya that sounds really relaxing doesn't it? And the reality is that once I start, I'm in my own world. Literally. I mean it's a drug - it alters our perception. It distorts reality. It slows down the though process... how can I be in any other world but my own once I start.
Yes, knowing all this and breaking the habit/ addiction are two different things. I need to write more. As muddled and all over the place this post is, it's about me working through what I'm doing. And right now I am all over the place because even as I post this I'm secretly thinking... can I have a drink on Friday? Just once a week? I KNOW the answer is no. I'm working on how to make that my reality.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Here I go again...
So I haven't been writing because (you've guessed it) I've been drinking. Excessively. Over a bottle of wine a night. I feel like I'm back at square one again. Though I know I am not because the first time I quit I thought my life would immediately get better and all my problems would go away because drinking was my only problem.
But now I know better. I know that I'll still be tired, I'll still have stress, my excess weight won't automatically start falling off... but I know I will NOT be hungover, as cranky, tired and miserable. I won't have to deal with every day feeling like crap. And I won't be beating myself up in the middle of the night when I wake, causing me to be unable to fall back asleep... then be sooo tired in the morning from the combined lack of sleep and alcohol.
So here I am at day 2. I feel pretty good today and even better, I feel better about myself. But it's 11:18 and I'm already deciding that I want to have a drink tonight. This is not right. This constant battle is insane.
I'm reading Allen Carr's Easy way book... I swear I used to smoke and thought I could not face life without the ciggies - thought I wouldn't be able to deal with the stress without my smokes, wouldn't have fun without them... and get this - I didn't see the point of drinking because what's drinking without the smoking?? But then I read his Easy Way to Stop Smoking and it CHANGED my life. It changed the way I thought about ciggarettes. I did not pick up another smoke after that - sober. Drinking, ya I occaisionally have one after all my defences are down and someone around me is smoking.
So I'm reading his book on stopping/ cutting down drinking. One of the 7 rules is to not quit or cut down while reading the book. 'Great' I thought! I can continue reading the book and still drink excuse/ guilt free! Only one problem, when I'm drinking from 5 pm on and hung over most of the day, I can't really read the book can I? And one of the other 7 rules is to not read while drinking.
So yesterday I read heaps of the book and it makes total sense. Now today, back to the grind of Monday... I can feel the 'Justification Rosie' coming out. The one that says that Allen Carr must be on to something and knows there's a valid reason for continuing to drink while reading the book so go on - follow his method. Have a drink. Go on.
Hmm... still not sure what I"ll do. I do know that Allen Carr is the way for me. He nails the EXACT reasons that I have a problem with AA (sorry all AA goers out there - we all know it isn't for everyone and I have said before how I feel that it is fraught with Catch 22's). Mr Carr also talks about how willpower is a farce. I agree - I never thought of this before I read his smoking book but something just clicked with me.
Another thing he talks about is how when he quit smoking and drinking he thought there would always be a void in his life - that he would go about always feeling like his life was lacking. I feel the same way about my drinking. I used to feel the same way about smoking but now I don't even remotly want/ think about/ crave/ desire a ciggarette when I'm stressed. It worked once..
I'm really hoping that it works again and this time with the drinking - because let's face it - I'm looking for an EASY WAY!!!
But now I know better. I know that I'll still be tired, I'll still have stress, my excess weight won't automatically start falling off... but I know I will NOT be hungover, as cranky, tired and miserable. I won't have to deal with every day feeling like crap. And I won't be beating myself up in the middle of the night when I wake, causing me to be unable to fall back asleep... then be sooo tired in the morning from the combined lack of sleep and alcohol.
So here I am at day 2. I feel pretty good today and even better, I feel better about myself. But it's 11:18 and I'm already deciding that I want to have a drink tonight. This is not right. This constant battle is insane.
I'm reading Allen Carr's Easy way book... I swear I used to smoke and thought I could not face life without the ciggies - thought I wouldn't be able to deal with the stress without my smokes, wouldn't have fun without them... and get this - I didn't see the point of drinking because what's drinking without the smoking?? But then I read his Easy Way to Stop Smoking and it CHANGED my life. It changed the way I thought about ciggarettes. I did not pick up another smoke after that - sober. Drinking, ya I occaisionally have one after all my defences are down and someone around me is smoking.
So I'm reading his book on stopping/ cutting down drinking. One of the 7 rules is to not quit or cut down while reading the book. 'Great' I thought! I can continue reading the book and still drink excuse/ guilt free! Only one problem, when I'm drinking from 5 pm on and hung over most of the day, I can't really read the book can I? And one of the other 7 rules is to not read while drinking.
So yesterday I read heaps of the book and it makes total sense. Now today, back to the grind of Monday... I can feel the 'Justification Rosie' coming out. The one that says that Allen Carr must be on to something and knows there's a valid reason for continuing to drink while reading the book so go on - follow his method. Have a drink. Go on.
Hmm... still not sure what I"ll do. I do know that Allen Carr is the way for me. He nails the EXACT reasons that I have a problem with AA (sorry all AA goers out there - we all know it isn't for everyone and I have said before how I feel that it is fraught with Catch 22's). Mr Carr also talks about how willpower is a farce. I agree - I never thought of this before I read his smoking book but something just clicked with me.
Another thing he talks about is how when he quit smoking and drinking he thought there would always be a void in his life - that he would go about always feeling like his life was lacking. I feel the same way about my drinking. I used to feel the same way about smoking but now I don't even remotly want/ think about/ crave/ desire a ciggarette when I'm stressed. It worked once..
I'm really hoping that it works again and this time with the drinking - because let's face it - I'm looking for an EASY WAY!!!
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Domestics, Domestics
So the other day hubbie and I had an arguement. It was Monday when I was having a rough day. He was so insensitive which is fairly unusual but I think he's just fed up with me having a hard time because all I do is stay home and (as he put it) I can chose to do things or not do anything all day if I like. He said a lot of really mean things to me - like I'm lazy and he wants to trade places but he said he thinks I'm scared that he'll do a better job than me. Man he was so rotten to me, it was awful. It all started because I made a comment about how I do all the housework.
But this is how it is and how it's been for the 8 years we've been together. He kicks me when I'm down. I have a hard day and he lays in to me. I get upset about something he does and one hand he tells me I should be building him up and telling him what he does do that is good and on the other hand he says that he could list all the things wrong with me and he does. EVERY time I have a problem, he comes at me with all the things wrong with me.
Is it any wonder I drink to keep my feelings in? I'm not using him as an excuse because I drank before him. But I definitely hold my tongue a long time (which is not my style!) because if I have a problem, the last thing I need is to be so fiercely attacked. It sucks big time to put it midly.
So it ended with me having to get a job. Yup. Even though not even a week ago we put this idea to rest once and for all that I would be home with the kids til they are in school, I've now been told to get a job.
I've agreed because I'm sick of this arguement. I think we should spend less, he thinks we should earn more. He says sure we can scrimp and save but we both really like our lifestyle and neither of us really want to change it, but we can't get ahead this way. I agree after looking at the numbers. He also said - and he said he doesn't want to speak for me - but he thinks I would be happy being around other adults etc. I can't say I disagree. I often wonder that myself and feel like it might be time. I'm VERY worried about having 2 full time jobs though - one in the office and one doing all the house stuff. I know he won't do 50% of the housework (even though he thinks he does) because he never has in all the time we've been together. But I can't keep having this arguement with him. Every time I have a hard day with the kids, every time we talk about money - the answer is always the same, I need to work. So there, I'll work.
I just don't get why he has to kick me in the guts (figuratively) when I'm down. He always does it and I hate it. Last night I asked him a question about something that was bugging me and he told me I had a lot of courage coming out and just asking him. He said he usually has to wait until a fight to say what bugs him. But how horrible is that? I'd rather he just tell me when something is bugging him rather than waiting until I have a problem and him attacking me. Because then my problem never gets addressed. And I feel like total crapola even 4 days later. I'm still pretty sad. I hate talking about him because I do think he's a pretty good guy, he can just be pretty awful at times. Sigh. Sadness. I'm just swallowing it up with wine though. And I bought crap tasting wine which sucks but oh well. It will do the damage just the same.
But this is how it is and how it's been for the 8 years we've been together. He kicks me when I'm down. I have a hard day and he lays in to me. I get upset about something he does and one hand he tells me I should be building him up and telling him what he does do that is good and on the other hand he says that he could list all the things wrong with me and he does. EVERY time I have a problem, he comes at me with all the things wrong with me.
Is it any wonder I drink to keep my feelings in? I'm not using him as an excuse because I drank before him. But I definitely hold my tongue a long time (which is not my style!) because if I have a problem, the last thing I need is to be so fiercely attacked. It sucks big time to put it midly.
So it ended with me having to get a job. Yup. Even though not even a week ago we put this idea to rest once and for all that I would be home with the kids til they are in school, I've now been told to get a job.
I've agreed because I'm sick of this arguement. I think we should spend less, he thinks we should earn more. He says sure we can scrimp and save but we both really like our lifestyle and neither of us really want to change it, but we can't get ahead this way. I agree after looking at the numbers. He also said - and he said he doesn't want to speak for me - but he thinks I would be happy being around other adults etc. I can't say I disagree. I often wonder that myself and feel like it might be time. I'm VERY worried about having 2 full time jobs though - one in the office and one doing all the house stuff. I know he won't do 50% of the housework (even though he thinks he does) because he never has in all the time we've been together. But I can't keep having this arguement with him. Every time I have a hard day with the kids, every time we talk about money - the answer is always the same, I need to work. So there, I'll work.
I just don't get why he has to kick me in the guts (figuratively) when I'm down. He always does it and I hate it. Last night I asked him a question about something that was bugging me and he told me I had a lot of courage coming out and just asking him. He said he usually has to wait until a fight to say what bugs him. But how horrible is that? I'd rather he just tell me when something is bugging him rather than waiting until I have a problem and him attacking me. Because then my problem never gets addressed. And I feel like total crapola even 4 days later. I'm still pretty sad. I hate talking about him because I do think he's a pretty good guy, he can just be pretty awful at times. Sigh. Sadness. I'm just swallowing it up with wine though. And I bought crap tasting wine which sucks but oh well. It will do the damage just the same.
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