Sunday 10 June 2012

Today I am not going to drink

That's right.  I am staying strong in my resolve and not even allowing myself one thought of 'maybe'.  Today I am not going to drink.  I have decided that since Monday nights have the one or two tv shows that my husband and I like, I'm not going to drink today and instead I'm going to do everything I can to look forward to that time together at the end of the day when our kids are asleep.

It's a good day for it too.  Both kids are in care and I'm at home by myself.  I can do anything I want until 3pm and I'm going to.  Then they can come home, we'll have a snack (so I won't be hungry because that's always when I want to drink- it has the greatest and quickest effect on an empty stomach!).  And we'll wait to have dinner with my hubby at 5:30.  Once he's home and I've eaten, I'm in the clear.  Just need to get through from 3:30 to 5:30.  But I'm strong in my resolve.

I've been to the doctor.  It was quite good going, she did a physical exam so I know the alcohol hasn't destroyed me (yet).  She told me I'm not an alcoholic.  In some ways that is good to hear but in others it was a bit dissapointing.  I know I'm not an alcoholic, but if I was, there would be no other way than to quit.  This sort of opens the door to moderation etc.  She referred me to an alcohol counsellor.  One that is local (before I had to drive 40 minutes to the one I was seeing).

I went to the alcohol counsellor on Friday.  She is part of the Salvation Army Bridge Programme which I had never heard of before.  We spent about an hour and a half discussing basically my medical history.  I have an appointment on Wednesday this week and she said this week we are going to delve in to my alcohol history in depth and also work on some coping strategies.  My only requirement is that I need to be sober for the 24 hours before going.  So that means no drinking tomorrow either.  I'm determined to do this.  I feel like crap today so it will be somewhat easy not to drink today.

Friday's appointment was a bit difficult.  I had to talk about a couple of things that I tend not to think are a big deal but given her reaction, they probably are.  Friday night my husband and I had a few drinks and we had a real heart to heart about our move.  The rest of the weekend was pretty good as we are on a real positive note with our relationship, our move and our lives on the whole.  So for this reason, I feel less the need to drink and more the need to sit on the couch and have a cuppa and a relaxing time together.  He really opened up to me and I now see the troubles he is going through as well.  We have a great game plan for the move and what we are going to do once we get there.

But I still drank heaps last night.  A bottle of red and a bunch of bubbly because that was the only thing left in the house.  I woke at 2 am and started my ritual of regret but at least I could tell myself 'I'm doing something about it'.  I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor.

I was going to spend the day working on my business but instead I think I'll just relax.  I need to keep in this frame of mind.  I'm a bit lonely today too.  Maybe I need a bit more sleep.

Tuesday 5 June 2012

Feeling like crap

So I'm not drinking today, I'm determined not to.  And I know tomorrow I will still be tired but at least I won't be hung over.  I'm writing this so that I can remember exactly how I feel the day after I drink... or how I feel after drinking for 3 weeks straight and finally stopping.

See the thing is, I wake up feeling fine.  I don't really feel tired or hungover... but after I eat lunch it hits.  I feel tired and seedy... bit groggy and almost like I've smoked a pack of cigarettes (I don't smoke).  And cold.  I'm freezing!  It always hits me in the afternoon I think.. but by this point I've usually already decided that I'm going to drink so I only have to hang out for an hour or two and then I know I can have my wine so I think that makes me not 'feel' so bad... or at least not pay attention to how bad I feel.

But today, I know I'm not going to drink so I don't have that little ray of hope to hang on to.  Instead though, I am focussing on how when the kids go to bed at 7 I can then relax and watch tv under a blanket, read a book or go to bed early.  I only have to make it til 7 and I'll be fine.  And really, that's only 2 hours later than I have to make it to have a drink so it's not really that long.  And I know I'll feel good tomorrow.  I won't wake at 2 am and not be able to get back to sleep because of my self loathing.  I will wake up feeling good about myself and the fact that I didn't drink.  And I will just feel better because I won't be hung over.

I just want to be able to remind myself of this.

I'm off to see the doctor shortly to talk about my drinking.  May be back later to say how it went.  Wish me luck!  And strength.

Monday 4 June 2012

Habit or addiction?

So I've been drinking, every day again.   Still.  I'm trying so hard to break it but I can't seem to do it.  I can easily justify it because of the stress of my life... but then I can easily see that drinking does not make it better.  That it makes it worse.

It's hard because I constantly ask is this just a habit or an addiction.  Then a few days ago I read a post on the Drinking Diaries about Chardonnay Housewives and it spoke to me.  Especially this line:  '...Dublin doctor who specializes in addiction, sees is the one who had engaged in “social, sitting at home, bottle of wine” kind of drinking, which at first seems harmless. The problem is when the ritual moves into a habit, then a full-blown craving, and finally, a need.'

And I think... that is totally me.  It has now become a need.  And I do crave it.  The other day I actually had the shakes and that scared the crap out of me.  And at the same time I felt strangely relieved because now I know it's a problem. 

I was going to make an appointment with my Dr but I made the mistake of talking to my husband about it.  I say mistake becuase he doesn't understand it.  He sees me as a person in total control and just says 'if you want to drink, drink.  Don't feel guilty about it'.  And I"m realising that he's not a jerk, he just doesn't get it.  I don't want to drink and I drink.  I want to drink and I drink.  I swear I won't drink and I drink.  It has nothing to do with want anymore.  And I always feel guilty.  I wake at 2 am and lie there beating myself up, swearing I won't drink today... I lay awake for hours.  In the morning, I slowly start to realise that I will drink today.

The other line in the article that hit home with me was:  ' ... given the Russian Roulette nature of addiction (you don’t know you’re an addict until you’re hooked, and then the denial kicks in)...' which is of course where I sit right now... but then it goes on to say '...it might be a good idea for women to learn to untangle wine from need, and make it a weekend treat instead of something to look forward to “each and every day."' which makes me feel like I can do what I want - control it and keep it to the weekends.  But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get to that point.

I have no idea how to kick this. It seems bigger than what I can do on my own. I try to not drink, I try to control/ limit the alcohol but I'm realising that I can't just do it on my own. I'm going to call the doctor today and talk to her about it. I'm so embarrased though. I don't want to admit my problem to her. I don't want her to realise what a mess I am.