Coming off anti-depressants

I think I've mentioned that I have had postnatal depression (PND or postpartum depression PPD - same thing).  I have pretty much had it since I got pregnat with my first son (I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I couldn't drink anymore but that's another story for another time), but it got really bad after we moved country while I was pregnant with my second.  Finally in November of last year I went to the Dr and asked to be put on antidepressants after speaking with my PND support group and hearing from them that it would really help.

So I've been on antidepressants for about 11 months.  I have been feeling much better - in fact the meds started working after about 6 weeks and I've definitely returned to 'normal'.  Since I've stopped drinking though, I've realised that I am not really feeling much joy.  I am certainly not depressed or down, but I don't feel that flutter in my chest or stomach, that bit of excitement about life.. or about something that I'm going to do during the day.  My feelings are just sort of level - no real highs. 

Last weekend I felt really down.  Coming in to Friday I was like woopie.  It's the weekend.  Big deal.  Nothing to look forward to anyway... the weekend is just the same as the week only my husband is home.  I don't really get a break - it's not like when I worked and the weekend was relax time... and party time.  Now it's just one big blah of the same ole same ole.  I wondered is this what life is going to be like without drink?  The first two weekends were great because I was on a high from stopping.  But last weekend was nothing spectacular... just the realisation that this is now how life is going to be from now on.

But then I started thinking - I actually have lots of exciting things going on in my life that I love.  I love doing my crafts and sewing, I've been exercising, heck I'm going overseas in a week to see my family... I realised something else was going on.  It wasn't so much that I was down, but the problem was that I wasn't feeling that joy. 

So I decided to start coming off my antidepressants.  I figure that the alcohol was keeping me from getting over that last hump of the depression - keeping me just sort of not really depressed, but not well enough to move on.  After all - alcohol is a depressant.  Yesterday I halved my pill instead of taking a whole one (have to come off antidpressants gradually) so that's what I'll do every second day.  My doctor has told me that the drug I'm on (citalopram) comes out of the system relatively quickly so that is good news for me.

I'm really looking forward to feeling joy again.  It's been quite a long time.  I'll post when it happens!

Gotta Start Somewhere

Well here I am.  I had started a blog a while ago discussing my postnatal (or if you're in North America postpartum) depression and thought it was going well until I mentioned alcohol.  I felt that I was being judged, being told to 'eat chocolate' instead of drinking wine and all kinds of other advice that told me I was clearly not meant to discuss drinking in conjunction with being a mother and/ or being depressed. 

I scoured the pages for other mothers like me, those who drank in hiding... but couldn't find anything.  I thought I'd start a blog on this myself thinking I would be the only one out there, but then two days ago I stumbled across Crying Out Now and MATA which led me to a whole world of women coming about about their alcohol use and abuse.  I myself have been convincing myself that I don't have a problem and am finally ready to face up to the fact that I abuse alcohol.  

This is the latest path my journey has taken me down.  I believe I didn't find those pages when I looked before because it wasn't the right time for me.  I was just getting through pnd and tackling alcohol probably would've been too much.  But now it is clearly the time.  I have found a network of other people who have gone through or are going through the same thing.  I have no idea where to start so I'm starting here.  After all, I've gotta start somewhere.