Monday morning blues

I'm a bit down today and part of it is because it's Monday, hubbie went back to work, gone 10 hours a day and I'm at home with the kids all that time with nothing on, no plans.... but mostly I'm down because this morning I decided that I would not drink today.  I decided that I would not drink during the week so that I'm 100% and can do things in the evening etc etc... all the reasons why I always say I will quit drinking.

But now I'm down.  Like really down.  The thought of being here for another 7 hours until my husband comes home with nothing else to look forward to depresses me.  I like the thought of having a drink at the end of the day, to help me get through.

But let's be honest.  Being a SAHM is not what is causing me to drink.  When I used to work I also loved looking forward to having a drink at the end of the day to unwind.  For some reason, it's always been alcohol. 

I'm back in that battle - the I won't drink, maybe just one, maybe tomorrow I won't drink.. the 'no you can't'/ 'yes I can' battle with myself.  It's horrible.  I hate it.  I get so frustrated and annoyed.  And then I just give in and drink because I can't handle it anymore.

I know that when I stopped drinking completely for those two months I at least didn't have this internal war.  At least I had peace.  But I was also miserable about the thought of never drinking.  In an ideal world I'd just have a few drinks on a Friday and that's it.  In the real world, I try to have a drink and alternate with water and stop after a couple but once I start, I just want to get drunk.  What is it with that??  Last night I didn't want to open a second bottle of wine so I started in to bailey's.  On a Sunday night, after everyone else was in bed.

I'd say I'm ashamed, but more so I'm just pissed off that I can't seem to just break this habit/ cycle/ addiction (?).  It's such a waste of time and mindspace.  And the constant beating up on myself just makes me feel like crap.

I see three options here with problems associated with each.  One:  I give in to the drinking and stop fighting with myself over it.  Problem - I'll hate myself, I don't want to do this (obviously!).   Two:  I quit drinking altogether.  Problem - I am miserable with the thought of NEVER having another drink.  Three - Moderate my drinking.  Problem - I think this is great in theory but every time I have that first sip, I no longer want to moderate my drinking.  No matter what.  I just want to drink to get drunk.

I hate this.  I wish there was a magic wand that someone could wave to just take this problem away.  I don't understand why I have to go through this.  I am angry about the whole thing.

I heard this quote the other day:  “. . . hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else . . . . Wanting life to be different from what it is."  So I guess this means I'm in hell. 

Two big events coming up

I've learned over the past little while to live each moment as it's own - not to worry about the future and past.  This is the only moment we can do something about, the past is over and the future has yet to come.  I find this very useful and try my best to live in the moment.  Except when I get stressed.

I have lots on my plate at the moment and I have a couple of big events coming up that I'm not sure how I will handle.  As I said, I'm trying not to think about them or worry, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself and figure out some techniques to use when the time comes.

The first big event is a family reunion this coming weekend.  It is my husband's family reunion and I am pretty sure everyone drinks.  The biggest issue is that we are staying on the Marae (my husband is a Maori New Zealander and this is a sacred meeting place.  Click the link for more info on Maori and Maraes) which means we will be staying for 3 nights.  That means once the party starts going there will be no escape.  Well almost.  I plan to go to bed with the kids since we sleep on the Marae but in a different place than where people will be partying.  Because the kids are so young I don't really want to leave them alone in there anyway. 

But that's not really the problem of course.  The problem is that I don't know how I'll be with all that partying going on.  Last time I was there I had a 'great' time... read I got super trashed, danced and was the life of the party (or so I thought... who knows, maybe people were laughing AT me, not WITH me) and the next day I was so hungover and sick I could barely make it to the car for the 6 hour drive home.  What will people think?  Will they think I'm lame and boring?  And lets face it, drunk people are annoying... so how long will I be able to suffer the repetative stories, slurred speech and general incoherence of drunk people while I'm sober?  And will I feel like I miss the drinking? 

So there's that.

And the other thing.  I'm leaving in 10 days to go and spend 2.5 months with my family.  That's right... I'm hoping on a plane (well 4 to be exact) with my 1 and 3 year old, on my own, to spend 2 weeks with my brother and his family and then 2 months with my parents.  My husband won't be with us until December 15th because he has to work. 

Did I mention they all drink?  My parents drink excessivley.  Not really sure how I'm going to handle all that.

Ugh!

I woke up at 3 am totally disgusted with myself for drinking last night... a bottle I think.  All I wanted to do was work on my quilt and even asked my husband if it was ok.  He said yes, but hopped on the computer so the kids were crawling all over me.  I said should I stop and he said yes and we all went in the lounge and sat around.  Why couldn't he have just watched the kids while I did a bit of sewing? 

So I drank to get away.

And I woke this morning vowing not to drink tonight.  It's 8:30am and I've already changed my mind.  My morning has gone like this:  get coffee ready, make milo for the kids, make breakfast, pack lunches... quickly shower before my husband leaves for work at 7:30 am.  He leaves, feed kids more (they are eating machines these days!), call my parents on skype... kids crawling all over me, parents trying to talk over them... little one shoving crackers down my top... tidy kitchen a bit, put laundry in baskets, get kids dressed ... and now I have to drop the kids at care and go to work!  I know this is a huge excuse.  I know it is.  But this is why I drink.  This is my treat for myself after doing all this stuff all day.  It's my reprieve.  It's an easy escape.  I could try to wait til 7:30 to do my sewing but it seems so far away.  I feel like everyone is always demanding something from me and alcohol is my way to deal with it.  I know it makes it worse.  I know being hungover stops me from being able to deal with things better.  But alcohol is my learned response.  It is easy.  It is immediate.

Must run, kids are demanding again.  Sigh.

I thought I could control it

Well I stopped posting here because after I made it through day 2 I convinced myself (along with help from others who don't know the whole truth about my drinking) that I don't need to give up.  I convinced myself that it is under control, that I'm not 'that bad' and that as long as I could moderate my drinking, I could still drink.

So the first night that I made that decision, Wednesday, I had 2 glasses of wine.... which I drank over a long period of time (took me over an hour to drink my first drink).  I felt really cozy and nicely warm... I went to bed, woke up and felt good.  The same thing happened the second night.  I was feeling great - partly because I was moderating my drinking and enjoying it, and partly because I had convinced myself that I didn't in fact need to stop.  That I could moderate it.

Then came Friday.  I returned to my old tricks and stocked up big time on wine 'just in case' I ran out.  I think I probably drank close to a bottle and a half of wine... not sure.  Friday night is the big drinking night for me and my hubby.. where we hang out and have a few drinks.  I ended up 'falling asleep' on the couch around 8:30.  Repeat on Saturday.  Repeat on Sunday. 

On Monday I felt moderately bad.  Still drank.  Tuesday I drank because I could, even though I felt awful and didn't want to.  Today I decided that I would go the next two days without drinking and at about 1:30 pm I renegged on that decision too. 

So here I am, 4pm and having a glass of wine. 

It has become apparent to me once again that I can not control my alcohol.  But I don't want to believe that because I don't want to give it up.  This constant push and pull is insanity! 

Day One

Here I am, the first day of sobriety for me.  It's 10 in the morning and I feel good about my decision.  I can in fact feel a difference in myself.  I am moving at an extra slow pace, speaking very quietly to my children - almost as if a calmness has settled over me now that I have made my decision.

Of course, I had to have 'one last'.  One last big weekend of drinking.  Like a dieter before the diet begins who gorges on everything in sight, I drank pretty much all weekend.  Big friday night with a friend, huge hangover on Saturday but still managed to down a bottle of wine after the kids went to bed.  Then yesterday, being father's day, we had a BBQ which really ended up just being a day of drinking.  I went to bed around 8 thankfully and slept it off.  I think partially today I feel relief at my decision not to drink.  I've drawn a line in the sand.

I was worried about the witching hour.. the pull at 4pm to have a drink.. but I've decided my boys and I will go and get my husband from work.  Since I'll be driving, I won't be drinking.  Then the 4 of us will be home together and it will be easier.

I also read the post that Once Crafty Mother wrote on Dr Fear and she explained how she was filled with anxiety over not drinking when she first stopped.  I am going through this too... what will I do next weekend when family comes to visit and it's a big drinking weekend?  What about the weekend after when I go visit friends for a big party?  Will I really just not drink?  What about Christmas at home with my family... And I realised that she went through this too.  This is normal - well whatever normal is.  And at the very least I am not alone in feeling this way.  Other people have gone through this.  And there is a reason they say to take it one day at a time (as cliché as I used to think that was).  Right now, I am happy and comforted in my deicion to not drink today.  And I'm feeling a certain peace with that.

Gotta Start Somewhere

Well here I am.  I had started a blog a while ago discussing my postnatal (or if you're in North America postpartum) depression and thought it was going well until I mentioned alcohol.  I felt that I was being judged, being told to 'eat chocolate' instead of drinking wine and all kinds of other advice that told me I was clearly not meant to discuss drinking in conjunction with being a mother and/ or being depressed. 

I scoured the pages for other mothers like me, those who drank in hiding... but couldn't find anything.  I thought I'd start a blog on this myself thinking I would be the only one out there, but then two days ago I stumbled across Crying Out Now and MATA which led me to a whole world of women coming about about their alcohol use and abuse.  I myself have been convincing myself that I don't have a problem and am finally ready to face up to the fact that I abuse alcohol.  

This is the latest path my journey has taken me down.  I believe I didn't find those pages when I looked before because it wasn't the right time for me.  I was just getting through pnd and tackling alcohol probably would've been too much.  But now it is clearly the time.  I have found a network of other people who have gone through or are going through the same thing.  I have no idea where to start so I'm starting here.  After all, I've gotta start somewhere.