For the first time in a loooong time I have given some serious thought to having a drink. This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing our evening meal and I thought 'I could just go out. I could just drive to the bottle shop and grab a bottle of red and no one would know'. I quickly dismissed the thought. But then it came back. It came back along with the wish to just block everything out. It came back with the old desires, the old cravings, the thought of how it would feel to let that first sip slide down my throat. To drink until the bottle was done and then it would be too late. My husband would have to come home to get the kids from school, I'd be too blottoed to do anything so I could just peacefully drift away with another bottle. I could cave for just one day and not be the totally responsible, take-care-of-everything person that I am and give in to that part of me that is drowning and just wants to forget.
And if I could do it and be guaranteed it was for one day, I probably would. But I know it won't. I know it would lead me directly back to that place I was nearly 4 years ago. A place I definitely don't want to be. The way I've been feeling lately in general was what lead me to that alcoholism. I know where it would go. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it just once. Just for one day. To forget the pain I'm in. To let go of all of the responsibilities. To be who I was before I had kids, before I had post-natal depression (which I have again), to be that young, carefree, crazy-fun, crazy-drunk girl I used to be. She is so far from who I am now.
I'm sure there are other ways, other solutions. But none seem as good to me right now. None seem as immediate. None seem as capable of blocking out the world.
The only thing stopping me right now is knowing how I'll feel in the morning, waking up and being hungover and having that awful guilt of knowing I'd come so far only to give in at a weak moment.
But I think - if I did get drunk then maybe someone would take notice. Someone would see just how bad it really is. How I can't do it all - work 40 hours a week, take care of 3 kids and a husband, clean the house, make the meals, do the shopping, stress about the flat tire on the car, the broken windows, the million jobs that need to be done around the house ... to not have enough money but somehow make it all work by having spreadsheets for bills and debts and how to get where we want to be with so little because I can't just go out and get a job... to know how terrified I am to jump back in to the corporate world but how much I hate making such little money at the current job I have when I work so hard. To feel guilty that I can't work but at the same time knowing I have to work to make ends meet... and to be angry about it. Maybe if I was passed out on the floor, someone would notice just how bad it is even though I plaster a smile on my face because I feel too guilty that I can't do all the things expected of me. To see how I feel there is resentment towards me because I am not earning my keep. Because we need money and surely I can just work to earn it? Maybe if I was drunk and carefree I would get some attention, some love. Maybe I could get drunk and pass out and for 12 hours straight and not be woken every 3 hours by a baby needing a feed. Maybe if I got drunk all of my fears, concerns, anxieties, loneliness, guilt.. maybe it would all just disappear the further I got in to that bottle. Sure I would feel like hell tomorrow, but would it be worth it for one night of peace?
Thursday, 5 May 2016
Sunday, 5 October 2014
Why I'm back...
So I've felt really drawn to write many times over the past few years but I haven't. I was really focused on building my business, and building my brand. I thought for some reason that if I wrote on this blog and people found out that I had a drinking problem, that somehow I would lose that image I was trying to build. Sounds a bit ridiculous, but it was a real fear.
Then I saw Mrs D. come out and speak about her drinking. When she spoke out, I realized that it is her strength that allowed her to do so. I was so impressed by her courage to talk, especially given that her husband has such a public profile. Beyond this, I loved that this topic of drinking became something that people were speaking about. I went for a walk the day after the interview aired... I went with 3 Mums from my son's school and Mrs D was the topic of conversation. I felt elated - I loved that Mrs D brought this topic into our every day lives. I opened up one on one to one of the women there and when we caught up with the other two, one was questioning that she sometimes thought she drank too much. I realized in that moment that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I had a problem with drinking, and every day I am doing something about it.
I am still using a pseudonym, but I am here to share my story. I haven't been very open in the past about the fact that I had a drinking problem but on my two year sober-versary I posted on my facebook page that I hadn't had a drink in 2 years and I got SO much support from my friends and family. I knew that posting that would raise flags to them.... I mean I used to be THE party girl so for me to have stopped completely, well it was as good as admitting that I was an alcoholic right there for all to see. The outpouring of support I received was just amazing and actually brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure more than a few of them knew I had a problem and are probably glad that I quit and that didn't destroy my life with alcohol. People even asked me about it afterward and I was really open. I just realized that I have no reason to hide and to lie about the fantastic decision that I made to stop drinking.
I am so thankful for Mrs D coming out and telling her story. Her story is my story - and maybe your story too. Mrs D gave me the courage to come back and to acknowledge this new life that I lead. I am proud - probably for the first time - about choosing this lifestyle and am now embracing it more than ever.
I am so thankful for Mrs D coming out and telling her story. Her story is my story - and maybe your story too. Mrs D gave me the courage to come back and to acknowledge this new life that I lead. I am proud - probably for the first time - about choosing this lifestyle and am now embracing it more than ever.
Monday, 29 September 2014
2 Years On
It's been a while to say the least... but I have been feeling drawn to write more and more these days. I thought I would give a bit of an update...
It's been just over 2 years since I last took a sip of alcohol (or glug more like!) and I am happy to say that I am doing well! I think I've finally past the stage of missing alcohol and feeling like something is missing from life now that I live without alcohol.
For the longest time, I did feel like something was missing. At first, it was just that sort of no 'wohoo it's the weekend!' kind of thing... where Friday would roll around and for the first time in my adult life, it didn't coincide with cracking a bottle open. In that way, weekends felt a bit dull, like no big deal, the same as every other day and I didn't love that. But that faded pretty quickly. I'd say that probably only lasted about 2 months and then I felt pretty good about not having hangovers all the time so that won out over everything else!
I still felt pretty much like not going out or being around alcohol so I kept myself pretty secluded. Not hard to do since I have two kids 5 and under and not much opportunity to go out - or desire! But my husband's 40th birthday was coming up and I knew I'd have to be around alcohol. I was trying to find some way of getting beyond 'just tolerating' the night. After all, I had planned the party and wanted to have a good time with him and not be boring!
Then something happened. I was talking to someone who quit drinking just because she felt it was holding her back from her dreams (not because she didn't know how to stop once she started like me!). And she totally embraced it. She went out all the time and had heaps of fun and thought it was actually awesome that she didn't drink. I started thinking about this and how I felt I was boring and that people thought I was lame or a goody-two-shoes for not drinking and it hit me how when I was drinking I also worried that people were judging me... I was worried that people would see how much I drank, how out of control I was, how irresponsible I was, how I cared about alcohol more than anything, how I always wanted to drink beyond anything else in the world... and how I'd spend the next day feeling so stupid for how I acted, and wondered did I make a fool out of myself?
I realized that I was spending literally my whole life worried about what people would think of me during the 5 hours I was out at a party. And I realized that I don't care what people thought about me now. I quit drinking in large part because I was so tired of being the super drunk person that no one took seriously, am I now going to shoot myself down because I am the together person that people do take seriously? Seems like such a waste of time and energy! So that was it, somehow. It was a huge turning point for me realizing that there was no point worrying what others think (I mean there isn't any point anyway is there!?!) because I had made this change to make myself better, and I am better because of it!
So I went to his party and for the first time in two years, I actually had a TON of fun out! I mean, I was chatting and dancing and doing a speech and I just felt totally comfortable. And of course, no one cared, if they even noticed! I left at midnight - much later than I had planned! And I got in the car and drove myself home. I climbed in to bed and watched a bit of tv as I wound down from the evening ... and I thought to myself 'I'm so glad I was able to go out and have fun, and I'm equally as glad that I am in my warm bed able to watch a show before going to sleep'. And not being hungover the next day, worried about how I had acted and what I had said and did the night before was just an added bonus!
It's been just over 2 years since I last took a sip of alcohol (or glug more like!) and I am happy to say that I am doing well! I think I've finally past the stage of missing alcohol and feeling like something is missing from life now that I live without alcohol.
For the longest time, I did feel like something was missing. At first, it was just that sort of no 'wohoo it's the weekend!' kind of thing... where Friday would roll around and for the first time in my adult life, it didn't coincide with cracking a bottle open. In that way, weekends felt a bit dull, like no big deal, the same as every other day and I didn't love that. But that faded pretty quickly. I'd say that probably only lasted about 2 months and then I felt pretty good about not having hangovers all the time so that won out over everything else!
I still felt pretty much like not going out or being around alcohol so I kept myself pretty secluded. Not hard to do since I have two kids 5 and under and not much opportunity to go out - or desire! But my husband's 40th birthday was coming up and I knew I'd have to be around alcohol. I was trying to find some way of getting beyond 'just tolerating' the night. After all, I had planned the party and wanted to have a good time with him and not be boring!
Then something happened. I was talking to someone who quit drinking just because she felt it was holding her back from her dreams (not because she didn't know how to stop once she started like me!). And she totally embraced it. She went out all the time and had heaps of fun and thought it was actually awesome that she didn't drink. I started thinking about this and how I felt I was boring and that people thought I was lame or a goody-two-shoes for not drinking and it hit me how when I was drinking I also worried that people were judging me... I was worried that people would see how much I drank, how out of control I was, how irresponsible I was, how I cared about alcohol more than anything, how I always wanted to drink beyond anything else in the world... and how I'd spend the next day feeling so stupid for how I acted, and wondered did I make a fool out of myself?
I realized that I was spending literally my whole life worried about what people would think of me during the 5 hours I was out at a party. And I realized that I don't care what people thought about me now. I quit drinking in large part because I was so tired of being the super drunk person that no one took seriously, am I now going to shoot myself down because I am the together person that people do take seriously? Seems like such a waste of time and energy! So that was it, somehow. It was a huge turning point for me realizing that there was no point worrying what others think (I mean there isn't any point anyway is there!?!) because I had made this change to make myself better, and I am better because of it!
So I went to his party and for the first time in two years, I actually had a TON of fun out! I mean, I was chatting and dancing and doing a speech and I just felt totally comfortable. And of course, no one cared, if they even noticed! I left at midnight - much later than I had planned! And I got in the car and drove myself home. I climbed in to bed and watched a bit of tv as I wound down from the evening ... and I thought to myself 'I'm so glad I was able to go out and have fun, and I'm equally as glad that I am in my warm bed able to watch a show before going to sleep'. And not being hungover the next day, worried about how I had acted and what I had said and did the night before was just an added bonus!
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Still Trucking
Once again... it's been a while. I often contemplate whether I should continue writing here or just stick with my personal journal... but then I stop by and see how many people read what I write and realise there is something about being heard that works for me. So here I am.
It dawned on me the other day that I am now 7 months sober. I can't believe how the time is just ticking along. I never would've imagined life would be like this. It's funny how I thought I would always miss alcohol and how that loss would always be something I had to deal with... and it isn't even remotely like that. In the first month or so, for sure it was. It was a loss, my booze, my buddy that has been there with me through everything. An occasion wasn't an occasion without it - I had no idea how to celebrate without alcohol. Or how to commiserate or deal with problems without it. But turns out, I am learning.
The thing is, the good things that I notice are not things I even thought about before. I remember when I was thinking about quitting, when I knew I had to but was too scared to let go of this 'friend', this coping mechanism of mine... I remember scouring the Internet trying to find out what people felt after quitting, what the good things were. At the time I could only see the loss I would feel when giving it up. But I knew for sure at least the overwhelming guilt I felt in the mornings would be gone, so that was enough to try.
So here is what I would've liked to have known over 7 months ago when I knew it was time to quit, but wasn't sure what the benefits were. This is a note to myself back then, but any of you who are trying to do the same, maybe it will help ...
The first thing I have to say is how much easier life is. That's right. I always thought alcohol helped me cope.. but in fact, I think it just made things harder. I think not only the obvious difficult of doing things hungover made things hard, but also the longer term effects alcohol had on my brain and my perception of the world. It really scrambled my brain. Like I now see why it was so hard for me to read a map. It was so hard for me to remember things. I always had to write everything down. Recipes I made a hundred times, I'd still have to read every line, every time, because I would not actually know what was in it. Now, I can easily understand directions, I can remember things - and not in the 'I'm not drunk' way but in the 'I just remember things without even trying' way. I'm not sure if this makes sense, it's hard to describe to people who weren't addicted to alcohol how it feels to just have a scrambled brain... even if I didn't drink for days on end, it's just the way I thought I was. But not at all!
It's actually easier to deal with stress. Again, I expected this because I wouldn't be hungover all the time.... But it's more than that. I mean I still have stress, and I still get really anxious, but I think it's easier because I deal with it at the moment. Like getting the kids ready for school, I get really anxious, often to the point of there being a tightening in my chest. When I drank, I used to just take that stress and put it in my pocket for later - it was now my excuse to drink. Instead of dealing with the stress in the moment, I'd say to myself 'Oh my god I can't handle this.. this is the reason why I drink. I can't deal with this horrible feeling and the stress of having two young kids and trying to do all of this by myself!! Arrrr' and then I'd have my reason to crack open the bottle at the end of the day. Now, I take the time in that moment to realise how I feel. I realise that I'm holding my breath and then I just release it. Sound ridiculous? It isn't. I take a moment to just stop holding my breath and just breathe. And it feels better. And I tell my kids that I need a moment. Why not? It's teaching them that it's ok to listen to your body, what you are feeling, and how to deal with it in a healthy way - to use my own means to make myself feel better.
And then it's just the living life that's better. Now I'm a more loving mother because I'm no longer primarily focused on when I will have my next drink.. no longer counting the hours til I can 'relax'. Now I'm actually the kind of mother I wished I could be and never thought was possible. I still get stressed, tired, overwhelmed... but I also can just look at one of my children and feel this surge of love and just think 'oh my god you are so cute!'. And mean it.
And I have time to focus on things I love. Cooking, sewing..... trying to find healthier meals that the whole family will enjoy. I have been working with a 'business growth specialist' to grow my business. And I work on improving my life. This is something I've always done, but think I only couldn't gone so far while I was drinking. The next thing is I am going to start working on my sugar addiction. I seem to have turned to sugar after coming off alcohol.. never thought I had a sweet tooth but seems all the wine either satisfied the sugar wants or it created them after I quit!
I hope this helps... anyone else who wants to share some of the benefits of living sober please do! I love to hear it.. I know there are many more benefits but these are ones right off the bat that I think of that never would've occurred to me when I was drinking. But they make life so much better. If you are thinking about quitting, or have recently quit drinking, I hope this helps you to see some of the light at the end of the tunnel - and it doesn't take long to start reaping the benefits!
(I feel that I need to add that if you are addicted to alcohol, please see a health care professional before you start coming off. I didn't realise I was addicted and needed to wean off alcohol to make sure I didn't suffer any risk to my health)
It dawned on me the other day that I am now 7 months sober. I can't believe how the time is just ticking along. I never would've imagined life would be like this. It's funny how I thought I would always miss alcohol and how that loss would always be something I had to deal with... and it isn't even remotely like that. In the first month or so, for sure it was. It was a loss, my booze, my buddy that has been there with me through everything. An occasion wasn't an occasion without it - I had no idea how to celebrate without alcohol. Or how to commiserate or deal with problems without it. But turns out, I am learning.
The thing is, the good things that I notice are not things I even thought about before. I remember when I was thinking about quitting, when I knew I had to but was too scared to let go of this 'friend', this coping mechanism of mine... I remember scouring the Internet trying to find out what people felt after quitting, what the good things were. At the time I could only see the loss I would feel when giving it up. But I knew for sure at least the overwhelming guilt I felt in the mornings would be gone, so that was enough to try.
So here is what I would've liked to have known over 7 months ago when I knew it was time to quit, but wasn't sure what the benefits were. This is a note to myself back then, but any of you who are trying to do the same, maybe it will help ...
The first thing I have to say is how much easier life is. That's right. I always thought alcohol helped me cope.. but in fact, I think it just made things harder. I think not only the obvious difficult of doing things hungover made things hard, but also the longer term effects alcohol had on my brain and my perception of the world. It really scrambled my brain. Like I now see why it was so hard for me to read a map. It was so hard for me to remember things. I always had to write everything down. Recipes I made a hundred times, I'd still have to read every line, every time, because I would not actually know what was in it. Now, I can easily understand directions, I can remember things - and not in the 'I'm not drunk' way but in the 'I just remember things without even trying' way. I'm not sure if this makes sense, it's hard to describe to people who weren't addicted to alcohol how it feels to just have a scrambled brain... even if I didn't drink for days on end, it's just the way I thought I was. But not at all!
It's actually easier to deal with stress. Again, I expected this because I wouldn't be hungover all the time.... But it's more than that. I mean I still have stress, and I still get really anxious, but I think it's easier because I deal with it at the moment. Like getting the kids ready for school, I get really anxious, often to the point of there being a tightening in my chest. When I drank, I used to just take that stress and put it in my pocket for later - it was now my excuse to drink. Instead of dealing with the stress in the moment, I'd say to myself 'Oh my god I can't handle this.. this is the reason why I drink. I can't deal with this horrible feeling and the stress of having two young kids and trying to do all of this by myself!! Arrrr' and then I'd have my reason to crack open the bottle at the end of the day. Now, I take the time in that moment to realise how I feel. I realise that I'm holding my breath and then I just release it. Sound ridiculous? It isn't. I take a moment to just stop holding my breath and just breathe. And it feels better. And I tell my kids that I need a moment. Why not? It's teaching them that it's ok to listen to your body, what you are feeling, and how to deal with it in a healthy way - to use my own means to make myself feel better.
And then it's just the living life that's better. Now I'm a more loving mother because I'm no longer primarily focused on when I will have my next drink.. no longer counting the hours til I can 'relax'. Now I'm actually the kind of mother I wished I could be and never thought was possible. I still get stressed, tired, overwhelmed... but I also can just look at one of my children and feel this surge of love and just think 'oh my god you are so cute!'. And mean it.
And I have time to focus on things I love. Cooking, sewing..... trying to find healthier meals that the whole family will enjoy. I have been working with a 'business growth specialist' to grow my business. And I work on improving my life. This is something I've always done, but think I only couldn't gone so far while I was drinking. The next thing is I am going to start working on my sugar addiction. I seem to have turned to sugar after coming off alcohol.. never thought I had a sweet tooth but seems all the wine either satisfied the sugar wants or it created them after I quit!
I hope this helps... anyone else who wants to share some of the benefits of living sober please do! I love to hear it.. I know there are many more benefits but these are ones right off the bat that I think of that never would've occurred to me when I was drinking. But they make life so much better. If you are thinking about quitting, or have recently quit drinking, I hope this helps you to see some of the light at the end of the tunnel - and it doesn't take long to start reaping the benefits!
(I feel that I need to add that if you are addicted to alcohol, please see a health care professional before you start coming off. I didn't realise I was addicted and needed to wean off alcohol to make sure I didn't suffer any risk to my health)
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
My 6 month sober-versary
As of today I have been sober for 6 months. That's no small feat. I was thinking this morning as I realised how long I've been sober for that I've been beating myself up about dieting and losing weight and eating better and feeling like I just can't do it ... then I thought - if I can stop drinking, I can do anything! Maybe I am just used to beating myself up, but today I stop. Today I focus on what I have done. 6 months ago I was tired of waking up exhausted, deflated, angry and disappointed with myself, a hangover along with a peircing feeling under my skin just from all the alcohol coursing through my body. I had no time for anything really. I was irritable and short with everyone, including my kids.
Today I wake up a bit tired (because my son got up before 6!!) but fine. I am happy that it's Valentine's day and I'm planning to wear pink and make a nice dinner for my family, along with a heart-shaped pav for dessert. I am excited about growing my business after meeting with a business coach yesterday. I'm off to a music class with my little guy and a new friend... and I know I won't sit through the music class in pain, waiting for the annoying songs to finish so we can have a cup of coffee and I can zone out. Instead I'll be singing along and clapping. And perhaps my little guy will nap when we get home so I can try out my new sewing machine!!
Life is by no means perfect, but I can't even tell you how much BETTER it is. Much better than I ever thought it would be. I thought I'd miss drinking, and honestly, sometimes it bothers me to think that somewhere in the future I'll never be able to enjoy just one glass of wine. But I don't want it now. I don't want alcohol AT ALL and if you knew me, you would find that unbelievable.
If you are thinking about quitting and are sick of the cycle of wanting to quit, giving it to drinking then feeling guilty about it (or whatever rut you are caught in) just talk to someone. Talk to a doctor, talk to an alcohol counsellor. Talk to a friend. Talk to yourself in a blog or a journal... or do whatever works for you. Keep thinking about it and get closer to trying it (but do it with medical help if you are addicted to alcohol!!). Talk to me if you like. Email me rosielife@hotmail.com, post on my blog or just keep reading. I'm no expert .. but I there were people I looked to when I was still drinking (thank you Mrs D and One Crafty Mother!) who helped me see there is life after alcohol. And life is good.
Today I wake up a bit tired (because my son got up before 6!!) but fine. I am happy that it's Valentine's day and I'm planning to wear pink and make a nice dinner for my family, along with a heart-shaped pav for dessert. I am excited about growing my business after meeting with a business coach yesterday. I'm off to a music class with my little guy and a new friend... and I know I won't sit through the music class in pain, waiting for the annoying songs to finish so we can have a cup of coffee and I can zone out. Instead I'll be singing along and clapping. And perhaps my little guy will nap when we get home so I can try out my new sewing machine!!
Life is by no means perfect, but I can't even tell you how much BETTER it is. Much better than I ever thought it would be. I thought I'd miss drinking, and honestly, sometimes it bothers me to think that somewhere in the future I'll never be able to enjoy just one glass of wine. But I don't want it now. I don't want alcohol AT ALL and if you knew me, you would find that unbelievable.
If you are thinking about quitting and are sick of the cycle of wanting to quit, giving it to drinking then feeling guilty about it (or whatever rut you are caught in) just talk to someone. Talk to a doctor, talk to an alcohol counsellor. Talk to a friend. Talk to yourself in a blog or a journal... or do whatever works for you. Keep thinking about it and get closer to trying it (but do it with medical help if you are addicted to alcohol!!). Talk to me if you like. Email me rosielife@hotmail.com, post on my blog or just keep reading. I'm no expert .. but I there were people I looked to when I was still drinking (thank you Mrs D and One Crafty Mother!) who helped me see there is life after alcohol. And life is good.
Monday, 11 February 2013
Trying to get back on track
I've finished painting our bedrooms and now just have to finish unpacking. I went to weight watchers today after two weeks off and haven't gained too much. I was thinking I need to find a way to get back on track and then I realised that simply going to the meeting is getting back on track... I also went for a nice long walk with my little guy. Still eating garbage though, and have no energy as a result. It's really hard to kick this sugar habit. I was reading an article today about the addictiveness (is that a word??) of sugar and how hard it is to kick. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself since it is hard to stop but sometimes I just think what's wrong with me?? I used to be able to just make a decision and go with it no matter what... and now I just can't seem to do that. But I'm back on the road anyway, tracking what I'm eating so I know exactly what I am eating. I remember when I did that with drinking - just seeing it on paper is pretty jarring... there is no escaping what is going in my body when I write it down!
In other news, I am meeting with a business coach tomorrow about my small business. I really want to focus on it this year as I'd like to be earning an income from it. I'm quite excited! But it also means I need to get a few more boxes out of our living room before noon tomorrow haha!
In other news, I am meeting with a business coach tomorrow about my small business. I really want to focus on it this year as I'd like to be earning an income from it. I'm quite excited! But it also means I need to get a few more boxes out of our living room before noon tomorrow haha!
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
It's Getting to me
The mess that is. So I am in the process of painting the bedrooms which means I haven't unpacked from the move and we have boxes EVERYWHERE! To make matters worse, the boys are sleeping in our room while we paint ... so on top of the boxes, we now have a single bed in our living room and I feel like I'm tripping over stuff every time I turn around. I realised today that I just need to get their room done asap!
I also have a huge food hangover. We have been eating absolute garbage for over a week now. Sugar like crazy. I'm not one of those super healthy people who treats their body like a temple that you need to roll your eyes at because I think I'm so great for being healthy... because I'm not! I have watched what I ate before, but not until recently did I try to come off sugar. I did the 17 day diet just before Christmas and much like drinking, I didn't realise how bad I felt til I came off the junk... meaning once I cut sugar out for a while, now I really feel it's effects. I'm groggy, cranky, lethargic etc etc. I just need to come off it again. It's hard with so much other upheaval and I also want to maintain my sobriety so I've turned to food. In the end it's just another substance to help me 'deal' with life but in the end, it just makes things worse.
So today I'm making a point of eating more fresh food. I know I'll have more energy, be able to get these jobs finished and get better sleep if I do. I just need to make time for it. Wish me luck - I know it's not going to be easy... but I hope to eat a bit better today.
I also have a huge food hangover. We have been eating absolute garbage for over a week now. Sugar like crazy. I'm not one of those super healthy people who treats their body like a temple that you need to roll your eyes at because I think I'm so great for being healthy... because I'm not! I have watched what I ate before, but not until recently did I try to come off sugar. I did the 17 day diet just before Christmas and much like drinking, I didn't realise how bad I felt til I came off the junk... meaning once I cut sugar out for a while, now I really feel it's effects. I'm groggy, cranky, lethargic etc etc. I just need to come off it again. It's hard with so much other upheaval and I also want to maintain my sobriety so I've turned to food. In the end it's just another substance to help me 'deal' with life but in the end, it just makes things worse.
So today I'm making a point of eating more fresh food. I know I'll have more energy, be able to get these jobs finished and get better sleep if I do. I just need to make time for it. Wish me luck - I know it's not going to be easy... but I hope to eat a bit better today.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
We have moved
Well things are much better then they were on my last post! I think it's safe to say that I was at the end of my rope that day but now... well we have moved. Since then, we found a house that was a really great price, in a good area (close to my 2 closest friends so how good is that!) and it just really has a good flow and is just really cute and homey.
So we moved in on Feb 1st and there are still boxes everywhere but I've decided to paint the bedrooms first so .. it'll be a work in progress for a while. I've already painted the spare room (guest room I suppose!) and have just finished the trim on the boys' room. After that I'll do our room then repaint the wood panelling in the lounge/ dining area and that's the painting done. I have heaps of fabric chosen and plan to make all kinds of stuff.
That's the thing with not drinking. So much more time to do lovely things. I think that's what used to put me off about not drinking.. the loooong days. But I was just painting in the boys' room and just had all these things come to me, thinking about all kinds of stuff, thinking about blogging, my cousin (who just got engaged - yey!!), my good friends back home.... listening to my husband giggling out in the lounge at some dumb show he's watching... and I just felt so good. Felt so happy just to be decorating and making my house pretty.
I've had a weird week though. I have had alcohol thoughts pop up randomly where they really hadn't been before. I drove by a bottle shop on my way home from kindy pick up the other day and thought 'I would be stopping there every day on my way home... .well maybe not every day... I mean I wouldn't want the shop workers to know I drank that much'... and things like that. Not sure if anyone else has gone through this? It's weird - I suppose I thought moving to a new house where I have no association with drinking would make me think less about alcohol but I've had a few of these thoughts lately.
On the bright side - when my cousin told me he got engaged and we skyped and I heard all the lovey-dovey details and told him I would be coming to the wedding for sure.... I realised after we finished our conversation that I was genuinely excited to be going and my initial thought (for once) wasn't 'how will I cope with everyone drinking' and now it's more I'm so glad I will be sober so that I can enjoy and remember the occasion. Also, he doesn't drink much and neither do his parents so it won't be the booze-fest our reception was. It will be a bit classy. Yey - I can buy a gorgeous dress :)
So we moved in on Feb 1st and there are still boxes everywhere but I've decided to paint the bedrooms first so .. it'll be a work in progress for a while. I've already painted the spare room (guest room I suppose!) and have just finished the trim on the boys' room. After that I'll do our room then repaint the wood panelling in the lounge/ dining area and that's the painting done. I have heaps of fabric chosen and plan to make all kinds of stuff.
That's the thing with not drinking. So much more time to do lovely things. I think that's what used to put me off about not drinking.. the loooong days. But I was just painting in the boys' room and just had all these things come to me, thinking about all kinds of stuff, thinking about blogging, my cousin (who just got engaged - yey!!), my good friends back home.... listening to my husband giggling out in the lounge at some dumb show he's watching... and I just felt so good. Felt so happy just to be decorating and making my house pretty.
I've had a weird week though. I have had alcohol thoughts pop up randomly where they really hadn't been before. I drove by a bottle shop on my way home from kindy pick up the other day and thought 'I would be stopping there every day on my way home... .well maybe not every day... I mean I wouldn't want the shop workers to know I drank that much'... and things like that. Not sure if anyone else has gone through this? It's weird - I suppose I thought moving to a new house where I have no association with drinking would make me think less about alcohol but I've had a few of these thoughts lately.
On the bright side - when my cousin told me he got engaged and we skyped and I heard all the lovey-dovey details and told him I would be coming to the wedding for sure.... I realised after we finished our conversation that I was genuinely excited to be going and my initial thought (for once) wasn't 'how will I cope with everyone drinking' and now it's more I'm so glad I will be sober so that I can enjoy and remember the occasion. Also, he doesn't drink much and neither do his parents so it won't be the booze-fest our reception was. It will be a bit classy. Yey - I can buy a gorgeous dress :)
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
I give up
So we still haven't found a house to buy and we also can't seem to find a house to rent... And now my husband and I are not talking because I lost the plot and yelled at him last night. This is the last thing we need right now, and now I feel isolated and all alone in our house with the kids who are basically fighting all the time. Just now I sat down and thought that I could, should just get a bottle of wine. My usual thought of knowing where it will quickly lead (to me being drunk every day) is not enough of a deterrent which surprises me because it always has been. So now I just think make it til 5pm and I'll walk out of the house as soon as my husband walks in. I just need to make it to 5pm. I used to say that but for wine. But then I know that won't be a break, it'll just keep me trapped in the house anyway. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish he knew the struggle I go through. I wish he appreciated just how hard I work every day. Not just on the house and raising the kids but on the sobriety. It may look easy, but it's not. And I'm doing awesome and it's unnoticed.
Monday, 7 January 2013
Waiting Waiting
So we're still (STILL!) in the process of this whole house-selling/ buying thing. We've had our house on the market for what feels like forever, and we have sold. We have made an offer on another house but there was already a conditional on it so they have 3 days to become unconditional. Because everything was shut over Christmas, the 3 days started yesterday which means they have til the end of tomorrow to become unconditional or walk away. This is the reader's digest version - the long story involves lots of frustration with the real estate agents who didn't bring our offer to the owners (long, long story). We have been trying to make an offer since early December. Anyway, I know it will be coming to a close tomorrow one way or another, but the stress is definitely getting to me.
Yesterday I went for a 3 hour walk with the kids, today we (thankfully) have a kid's bday party to go to. I am trying to remain positive, and trying to think that I just want whatever is best for us to work out.. to rely on greater powers to have this conclude in the best way possible for our family... but it's really hard for me to just let go and not spend my day praying/ hoping/ willing things to turn out the way I want them to! And during all this, I'm just emotionally exhausted. Is that normal? Like I am just so worn out. I'm sure it doesn't help that we've just been on holiday and to quote Clare from Modern Family 'I'm a stay at home Mum, this isn't a holiday, it's a business trip'. All Mum's know that holidaying with a 2 and 4 year old is just more work! And now it's school holidays and my rugrats are insane so that keeps me busy.... but on top of that is the stress that we don't know where we'll be living on Feb 1st and we just really, really want this place.
Anyway, thought maybe typing would help a bit. Not sure if I should hope for what I want, leave it to the universe or just sleep til the end of tomorrow (haha - I wish!!!).
Yesterday I went for a 3 hour walk with the kids, today we (thankfully) have a kid's bday party to go to. I am trying to remain positive, and trying to think that I just want whatever is best for us to work out.. to rely on greater powers to have this conclude in the best way possible for our family... but it's really hard for me to just let go and not spend my day praying/ hoping/ willing things to turn out the way I want them to! And during all this, I'm just emotionally exhausted. Is that normal? Like I am just so worn out. I'm sure it doesn't help that we've just been on holiday and to quote Clare from Modern Family 'I'm a stay at home Mum, this isn't a holiday, it's a business trip'. All Mum's know that holidaying with a 2 and 4 year old is just more work! And now it's school holidays and my rugrats are insane so that keeps me busy.... but on top of that is the stress that we don't know where we'll be living on Feb 1st and we just really, really want this place.
Anyway, thought maybe typing would help a bit. Not sure if I should hope for what I want, leave it to the universe or just sleep til the end of tomorrow (haha - I wish!!!).
Saturday, 5 January 2013
My first sober Christmas
Well obviously it isn't my first ever sober Christmas - I mean I didn't drink when I was a kid... and not when I was pregnant... but this is my first sober Christmas since I started my drinking career where I myself have chosen not to drink and not just gotten drunk or had sobriety forced on me because of pregnancy ;) And I have to say, it was faaaarking hard! I really wasn't expecting it. I mean mentally I knew it would be difficult because we went to Australia to stay with my in-laws and that was always a party place for me - a place where I could drink relatively guilt free because I was on 'holiday' and everyone was drinking with me (or not, but everyone thought I was a hard-working mum who deserved the break).
I guess I spent most of my time preparing for my brother in law's 40th birthday party and how I would deal with that.. . but I wasn't prepared for the day to day going-ons of Christmas and holiday drinking. I arrived to my husband's 20 year old neice telling her boyfriend how 'awesome' I was and how funny I am sober, but man I'm really hilarious when I'm drunk.... and then she continued on saying 'I heard you're not drinking, who am I going to do shots with?! You are the best to drink with!". And I had such a hard time with this. I really felt like I was facing my demons head on. I suppose I was. I was really unsure how I was going to deal with it all. I wanted to blog for support/ to get things off my chest but couldn't due to computer issues there. I just had to deal with it. I talked to my hubby about it a bit. I mean the thing is, I drank a lot because I loved it. I didn't hate it. And I knew I was heaps of fun ... and now I'm just not going to be that crazy funny hilarious do anything girl.
BUT looking at it now, I think way more clearly about it. I mean why do I want to be a party animal to a 20 year old? I'm 40 now. That's actually a bit embarrasing. And that's part of why I quit drinking. Oh well, no more having to listen to droning on drunk people talk about stuff I don't give a rat's ass about just so I can bum smokes from them ... smokes that I will feel sooo guilty for having when I wake the next day. So I made it through that night.
I also made it through the bday party. BIL (brother-in-law) had a family bbq during the day which was nice so I could be a part of something. By this point I had started talking about my not drinking. It was still super hard being there because everyone was drinking and I felt like a boring old person. But then I left, and as soon as I left the pressure on my chest left as well. I drove around the area with my kids and stopped at McDonald's on the way home. It was actually really great, me and my 2 boys sitting there having a little treat and me just laughing at them being cute. I realised I would've missed out on this if I was drinking. And I wouldn't have even known that I was missing out on this because I would've been too focussed on getting drunk!
So I made it through the holiday and woke up every day feeling great - even if I was tired. I never had a hang over, I never stayed up too late, I read my book on my new e-reader (bday gift from my hubbie - LOVE!!! it) and I did heaps HEAPS of fabric shopping and clothes shopping ... and still spent far less than I would've drinking. And now I'm back home in the safety of my house and my little life that makes not drinking much easier.
I guess I spent most of my time preparing for my brother in law's 40th birthday party and how I would deal with that.. . but I wasn't prepared for the day to day going-ons of Christmas and holiday drinking. I arrived to my husband's 20 year old neice telling her boyfriend how 'awesome' I was and how funny I am sober, but man I'm really hilarious when I'm drunk.... and then she continued on saying 'I heard you're not drinking, who am I going to do shots with?! You are the best to drink with!". And I had such a hard time with this. I really felt like I was facing my demons head on. I suppose I was. I was really unsure how I was going to deal with it all. I wanted to blog for support/ to get things off my chest but couldn't due to computer issues there. I just had to deal with it. I talked to my hubby about it a bit. I mean the thing is, I drank a lot because I loved it. I didn't hate it. And I knew I was heaps of fun ... and now I'm just not going to be that crazy funny hilarious do anything girl.
BUT looking at it now, I think way more clearly about it. I mean why do I want to be a party animal to a 20 year old? I'm 40 now. That's actually a bit embarrasing. And that's part of why I quit drinking. Oh well, no more having to listen to droning on drunk people talk about stuff I don't give a rat's ass about just so I can bum smokes from them ... smokes that I will feel sooo guilty for having when I wake the next day. So I made it through that night.
I also made it through the bday party. BIL (brother-in-law) had a family bbq during the day which was nice so I could be a part of something. By this point I had started talking about my not drinking. It was still super hard being there because everyone was drinking and I felt like a boring old person. But then I left, and as soon as I left the pressure on my chest left as well. I drove around the area with my kids and stopped at McDonald's on the way home. It was actually really great, me and my 2 boys sitting there having a little treat and me just laughing at them being cute. I realised I would've missed out on this if I was drinking. And I wouldn't have even known that I was missing out on this because I would've been too focussed on getting drunk!
So I made it through the holiday and woke up every day feeling great - even if I was tired. I never had a hang over, I never stayed up too late, I read my book on my new e-reader (bday gift from my hubbie - LOVE!!! it) and I did heaps HEAPS of fabric shopping and clothes shopping ... and still spent far less than I would've drinking. And now I'm back home in the safety of my house and my little life that makes not drinking much easier.
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Over-freakin-whelmed
I am at the end of my rope. All I want to do right now is drive to the closest place where I can get booze and go for it. I have had a super stressful week with my 2 yo hitting basically everyone and nothing I do seems to work. My 4yo has been screaming/ whining/ crying in response. Add to this that we are trying to make an offer on a house and I'm getting one story from my lawyer, and a different one from the real estate agent and then I guess the lawyer learned that the real estate agent had the story right and she forgot to return all my calls and emails. I just lost it, screamed and one son, hit the other (which I swore I'd never do). My husband is out at a work party and drinking and thinks it's ok when it makes it that much harder for me.
Kids attacking me. Must go.
Kids attacking me. Must go.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
A bit of boring stuff, really. Just felt like writing
Woke up this morning a bit angry at the world! Now that I've eaten I feel much better :) I actually had a really good, filling breakfast. Who knew eating healthy could make one so full?! Considering my old diet consisted of coffee, coffee, coffee, HUGE lunch because I was starving, then continue eating rubbish til bed. Seems I replaced alcohol with food there for a while. But I'm on track now, I've kept up with healthy eating all day yesterday (yey - not one cheat!) and have done 17 minutes of cardio every morning this week - that makes 4 days in a row. Even lifted a few weights this morning. Ok they were only 1 kg weights but I felt it. Should give you an indication of how out of shape I am/ was!
I did up my to do list yesterday too. I had 3 things on it and got them all done. Pretty proud of myself. Funny though, I did these three things and somehow my house ended up a mess. None of the things were tidy the house. So I need to account for that and not just take housework as a given.
Today's list:
- call the bank
- call real estate agent about a house we like (yey!)
- vacumm house (haha - needs to be done!)
Also need to take the kids out this morning and oh ya - there is a sale on at our local fabric shop so obviously I have to go there!
Must be on my way... so much to do :)
I did up my to do list yesterday too. I had 3 things on it and got them all done. Pretty proud of myself. Funny though, I did these three things and somehow my house ended up a mess. None of the things were tidy the house. So I need to account for that and not just take housework as a given.
Today's list:
- call the bank
- call real estate agent about a house we like (yey!)
- vacumm house (haha - needs to be done!)
Also need to take the kids out this morning and oh ya - there is a sale on at our local fabric shop so obviously I have to go there!
Must be on my way... so much to do :)
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Best laid plans
Well so much for accomplishing my to do list yesterday - I didn't even get around to making one!! You know how it goes, so much on the go. I need to do my list first thing or the day just takes hold of me and drags me along from one thing to the next.
BUT I did recognise all the things I DID do. Including a date night with my husband. First time in I don't even know how long. We went to see the final chapter in the Twilight saga and man it was awesome! But man I've never been to the cinema here, and haven't been out at all in the evening since I stopped drinking and the frigging theatre sold alcohol! As if!! I walked in and saw a group of women sitting around with their little wine bottles, one obviously well on her way. Panic! But whatever, I treated myself to a mocha and my husband and I rolled in to the theatre. I noticed people coming in and bringing their drinks. No one made a second trip to the bar during the movie. I mean I wasn't focussed on this, I was watching the movie... but when it was done it struck me that had that been 3 months ago, I would've probably suggested we go for dinner first so I could have a drink. At the very least I would've gotton wine once there and then the movie would've become secondary. I would've had to go back to the bar. I would've wanted to get drunk, or at least tipsy.
So glad those days are behind me! We had such a good time last night :)
BUT I did recognise all the things I DID do. Including a date night with my husband. First time in I don't even know how long. We went to see the final chapter in the Twilight saga and man it was awesome! But man I've never been to the cinema here, and haven't been out at all in the evening since I stopped drinking and the frigging theatre sold alcohol! As if!! I walked in and saw a group of women sitting around with their little wine bottles, one obviously well on her way. Panic! But whatever, I treated myself to a mocha and my husband and I rolled in to the theatre. I noticed people coming in and bringing their drinks. No one made a second trip to the bar during the movie. I mean I wasn't focussed on this, I was watching the movie... but when it was done it struck me that had that been 3 months ago, I would've probably suggested we go for dinner first so I could have a drink. At the very least I would've gotton wine once there and then the movie would've become secondary. I would've had to go back to the bar. I would've wanted to get drunk, or at least tipsy.
So glad those days are behind me! We had such a good time last night :)
Monday, 26 November 2012
Small Goals
Well I fell off the eating waggon so to speak. I was going along nicely but on Sunday night I had a 'treat' meal .. chicken tikka massala (yum!!!) which is fine. But then I did it again yesterday. This is a slippery slope for me, I need to get back on track. So I've decided to write down small goals I'd like to achieve. Sometimes the goal of losing 20kg is way too overwhelming - much like the ''I'll never drink again in my entire life'. It's easier to take it day by day, step by step.
So these are my goals:
1. Fitness goal: I will go for 17 minute run every morning. This is the great thing with the 17 day diet. You only need to do 17 minutes a day.. so it's 7:30 am and I am technically done all my exercise for the day (whopee!!). '
2. Weight goal: Be in the 70kg's by the week of the 26th. Not really sure how to word this but right now I weigh 82.1 kg and I want to drop into the 70's by next week. I will be really happy to hit that and see my number starting with a 7!
That's it. Those are my goals. Pretty attainable but still require some work - exactly as I feel goals should be.
I'm also applying this to my daily life. I have a small business and never know what I'm doing with it. I want to be more organised with it. Small goals. I also feel like I'm 'just' a stay at home mum and that I need to justify my existence. I recently read an awesome blog where the woman says really, she does so much during the day and I think ya I do too! So I'm going to notice what I do... from the packed lunches to the million snacks to the grocery shopping and house tidying... never mind keeping the kids happy and fed and clothed and loved (oh so much love now that I'm not drinking!). PLUS organising the finances, making sure the house we are going to buy (whichever house that may be) is something we can afford and still have room to breathe, live and maybe even take the occasional trip somewhere.
So my plan for all that is to do one massive to do list (done!) and then put them in priority.... right now my top priority is to get our finances in order so anything costing us money (paper bank statements, unused bank accounts etc etc) are top priority. Then I will chose 1 or 2 a day and try (try!) to get those done.
Sound complicated? Maybe, but I like to be organised and this is my way to get back on track. It actually simplifies things in that I know what I'm doing. And it's important to me to accomplish things. Even if it is just 'wash all the bed clothes today'. I like to tick things off my to do list! But it's also very important to me not to get overwhelmed!
I feel like things are clicking in place. I know that without being sober, I wouldn't feel like this. I never in a hundred years ever imagined I'd be someone who DOESN'T want to drink. I always thought if I didn't do it, I'd miss it. I'd have to spend the rest of my life missing it. But it turns out that it's like smoking. Once I quit, I realised how senseless it was - that it did nothing for me and in fact just took away from my life. This is the way I feel today anyway!
So these are my goals:
1. Fitness goal: I will go for 17 minute run every morning. This is the great thing with the 17 day diet. You only need to do 17 minutes a day.. so it's 7:30 am and I am technically done all my exercise for the day (whopee!!). '
2. Weight goal: Be in the 70kg's by the week of the 26th. Not really sure how to word this but right now I weigh 82.1 kg and I want to drop into the 70's by next week. I will be really happy to hit that and see my number starting with a 7!
That's it. Those are my goals. Pretty attainable but still require some work - exactly as I feel goals should be.
I'm also applying this to my daily life. I have a small business and never know what I'm doing with it. I want to be more organised with it. Small goals. I also feel like I'm 'just' a stay at home mum and that I need to justify my existence. I recently read an awesome blog where the woman says really, she does so much during the day and I think ya I do too! So I'm going to notice what I do... from the packed lunches to the million snacks to the grocery shopping and house tidying... never mind keeping the kids happy and fed and clothed and loved (oh so much love now that I'm not drinking!). PLUS organising the finances, making sure the house we are going to buy (whichever house that may be) is something we can afford and still have room to breathe, live and maybe even take the occasional trip somewhere.
So my plan for all that is to do one massive to do list (done!) and then put them in priority.... right now my top priority is to get our finances in order so anything costing us money (paper bank statements, unused bank accounts etc etc) are top priority. Then I will chose 1 or 2 a day and try (try!) to get those done.
Sound complicated? Maybe, but I like to be organised and this is my way to get back on track. It actually simplifies things in that I know what I'm doing. And it's important to me to accomplish things. Even if it is just 'wash all the bed clothes today'. I like to tick things off my to do list! But it's also very important to me not to get overwhelmed!
I feel like things are clicking in place. I know that without being sober, I wouldn't feel like this. I never in a hundred years ever imagined I'd be someone who DOESN'T want to drink. I always thought if I didn't do it, I'd miss it. I'd have to spend the rest of my life missing it. But it turns out that it's like smoking. Once I quit, I realised how senseless it was - that it did nothing for me and in fact just took away from my life. This is the way I feel today anyway!
Thursday, 22 November 2012
My 40th Birthday
So here's something that's been plaguing me. My 40th birthday is coming up in December. I always sort of pictured a big blow-out party for it where heaps of people come and we have a blast. We don't have 21st's in Canada and my husband and I opted for a small wedding.. .I was looking forward to my 40th because I thought it would be one big bash.
A couple of problems. The first is that I don't have many friends here. I had a larger group of acquaintances, but not close friends. The friends I do have are awesome, very good people, I'm very close to them and we would have lots of fun. They all know I am addicted to alcohol (why does calling myself an alcoholic still seem weird and fake?). So the party will only be about 9 people and their kids. The second problem of course is that there will be no alcohol. I have no desire to sit around on my birthday and watch other people get pissed. So I feel like... will this even be a party? Does 9 people and no alcohol constitute a party?? And 2 of those 9 will have to travel.
But I'm thinking a family bbq/ pool party. It will be fun. Probably won't be too lame. I guess I just like everything else, I have to readjust my thinking. I just assume it won't be a party without alcohol and loads of drunk people. Do people even have sober parties? Anyone out there celebrate a milestone without alcohol??
A couple of problems. The first is that I don't have many friends here. I had a larger group of acquaintances, but not close friends. The friends I do have are awesome, very good people, I'm very close to them and we would have lots of fun. They all know I am addicted to alcohol (why does calling myself an alcoholic still seem weird and fake?). So the party will only be about 9 people and their kids. The second problem of course is that there will be no alcohol. I have no desire to sit around on my birthday and watch other people get pissed. So I feel like... will this even be a party? Does 9 people and no alcohol constitute a party?? And 2 of those 9 will have to travel.
But I'm thinking a family bbq/ pool party. It will be fun. Probably won't be too lame. I guess I just like everything else, I have to readjust my thinking. I just assume it won't be a party without alcohol and loads of drunk people. Do people even have sober parties? Anyone out there celebrate a milestone without alcohol??
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Sugar sugar, turns out you are not my friend
So after three weeks of being sober I decided to start a diet. I'm really unhappy with my weight and need to lose about 20 kg. I did the whole counting calories thing and by the first weekend I was ready for a drink. I quickly decided that I would not diet and cancelled the whole thing because I realised that when I drank, I used to not eat so that the alcohol would affect me faster/ better etc. So when I'm really hungry, I crave red wine. So no calorie counting for me! Too risky.
But I was still really unhappy with my energy levels, my weight and my exhaustion. I had a friend come visit for a couple of weeks and she did the 17 day diet. I'm sure everyone else has heard of this but apparently I have been living under a rock and I hadn't. I've tried to do cleanses before and have failed miserably. But this one seems safe, seems like you still get lots of nutrition but can still rid your body of all the toxins. I figure since I've ridded myself of alcohol, I should get the sugar out too.
Today is the morning of day 4 and I honestly can't believe what a difference I feel! You know I hate people that go on and on about the perils of sugar - mostly because I felt guilty because I love sugar and all the yummy good-flavour it brings. But man - I was addicted to sugar too! How do I know? Withdrawals. But my experience with coming off alcohol has taught me to recognise what they are and not mistake them for cravings. So ya, no sugar for 3 days and today I have so much energy. Last night I slept like a log and was even able to fall quickly back to sleep after each boy woke through the night (normally I'd be up for an hour or so). I even got out of bed with my oldest and was able to nap on the couch for a bit while he watched tv (bad mum but good rest!). Heaps of energy! It's awesome!! Especially when I have 2 and 4 year old boys!! And I'm just in a better mood, happier. Who knew?
And the best is that my husband and I and a small group of friends are doing a 'biggest loser' competition. We've all put in $20 and whoever loses the most by Christmas gets the pot. Not that it's about the money - it's about the glory haha!!!
But I was still really unhappy with my energy levels, my weight and my exhaustion. I had a friend come visit for a couple of weeks and she did the 17 day diet. I'm sure everyone else has heard of this but apparently I have been living under a rock and I hadn't. I've tried to do cleanses before and have failed miserably. But this one seems safe, seems like you still get lots of nutrition but can still rid your body of all the toxins. I figure since I've ridded myself of alcohol, I should get the sugar out too.
Today is the morning of day 4 and I honestly can't believe what a difference I feel! You know I hate people that go on and on about the perils of sugar - mostly because I felt guilty because I love sugar and all the yummy good-flavour it brings. But man - I was addicted to sugar too! How do I know? Withdrawals. But my experience with coming off alcohol has taught me to recognise what they are and not mistake them for cravings. So ya, no sugar for 3 days and today I have so much energy. Last night I slept like a log and was even able to fall quickly back to sleep after each boy woke through the night (normally I'd be up for an hour or so). I even got out of bed with my oldest and was able to nap on the couch for a bit while he watched tv (bad mum but good rest!). Heaps of energy! It's awesome!! Especially when I have 2 and 4 year old boys!! And I'm just in a better mood, happier. Who knew?
And the best is that my husband and I and a small group of friends are doing a 'biggest loser' competition. We've all put in $20 and whoever loses the most by Christmas gets the pot. Not that it's about the money - it's about the glory haha!!!
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
3 months and counting
Haven't had a drink in over 3 months now. Feels sort of normal actually... which is a bit weird I suppose. I am just a non-drinker now.
I haven't been around alcohol yet though, I've pretty much avoided it. My husband has had a few after work drinks twice and it didn't bother me at all which is great. In fact the last time I told him to go do it! I thought that would bug me but it didn't.
Had a friend come visit from back home for 2 weeks and we didn't have a drop. She has an occasional drink and I find myself thinking - is that actually what people do? Like she can go on holiday for 2 weeks and not care at all about not drinking? I couldn't. Not when I drank. In fact, even if I was the visitee and not the visitor - hell I would've been drunk every night she was here. It would've been awful for so many reasons.
Anyway, just a quick post to say I'm still standing. I'm still trying to find my feet. Not drinking is the norm, but life is not normal. I find I have to find different ways to deal with things now. That is I actually have to deal with them. I can't just use it as an excuse to drink and know that no one will get mad at me for drinking because they've pissed me off and I drink instead of discussing it. Now I have to discuss it. It's all new territory but I must say I'm feeling pretty strong....
I haven't been around alcohol yet though, I've pretty much avoided it. My husband has had a few after work drinks twice and it didn't bother me at all which is great. In fact the last time I told him to go do it! I thought that would bug me but it didn't.
Had a friend come visit from back home for 2 weeks and we didn't have a drop. She has an occasional drink and I find myself thinking - is that actually what people do? Like she can go on holiday for 2 weeks and not care at all about not drinking? I couldn't. Not when I drank. In fact, even if I was the visitee and not the visitor - hell I would've been drunk every night she was here. It would've been awful for so many reasons.
Anyway, just a quick post to say I'm still standing. I'm still trying to find my feet. Not drinking is the norm, but life is not normal. I find I have to find different ways to deal with things now. That is I actually have to deal with them. I can't just use it as an excuse to drink and know that no one will get mad at me for drinking because they've pissed me off and I drink instead of discussing it. Now I have to discuss it. It's all new territory but I must say I'm feeling pretty strong....
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Well it's been 10 weeks if you can believe it. I can't, I just had to count. I thought it was 8, maybe 9. Just goes to show, time ticks on. I was working for a few weeks but now I'm back home. I want to post more on here. I am keen to tell my story. So I'm going to commit to more posts.... I have so much to say!! And all the non-alcohol dependent people in my life don't really get it - CAN'T really get it.
So here's a brief review of what's been happening and how it's been going.
THE GOOD
Well there are the obvious things - not waking hungover, not going through life bleary eyed and feeling like crap, not beating myself up, feeling guilty and being angry with myself all the time... but now that some time has passed, there are more benefits. I have been sewing heaps, and loving it... I have been working on my business. My relationship with my husband is improving. We're not there yet but we are joking around and sleeping in the same bed again and this is a huge change. So we're on the right track. And I'm able to see his side of things a bit now with finances, working etc. We're back to being a team which is nice. And when I'm upset, I feel I have reason to be and not because my mind is all fuddled and I'm making it up. And I just handle it better. I'm really enjoying my kids. In the evening we all sit in the lounge together and my husband and I watch them play and play along. The days seemed so long at first, and that was initially part of why I drank. When I stopped, the days seemed long but in a good way, and I liked it... because it meant more time for me to sew!
THE BAD
It's not all roses. At first I really felt alcohol was missing. Daily. It just seemed so weird to never drink and I missed it. When I worked, that first friday I was driving home and I just felt a lacking. In my adult life I've never had a friday where I didn't have a drink. 20 years of classical conditioning is hard to break I suppose. I knew I could easily go home and drink. I was dieting too so that had to stop - it was risking my sobriety.
Also, life is a bit hum drum. By that I mean it just ticks along - no drama. I guess because there is no internal struggle on whether I drink or don't drink and then eventually succumb to drinking and then have the regret... the cycle isn't there so no drama. I'm not picking fights with my husband. I'm not apologising in the morning to him, feeling like a bad mum. There is just no drama. I have a problem, I try to deal with it rather than using it as an excuse to drink. I love my life now, I'm enjoying it, but sometimes it just feels a bit... easy. I know that may sound weird, but after years of the drinking dramas, it is just different living this way.
THE UGLY
There are times when I think about drinking. There are times when I think 'ya I could easily down enough alcohol to send myself into oblivion.' And if I follow that line of thinking a bit longer, I know I would like it. Regardless of knowing all there reasons why I don't, I still know, I would like the feeling of not feeling, being. So I quickly change my thoughts and don't continue to think about THAT.
I can't think about never drinking again. I can't think about Christmas, visiting my in-laws, I can't even plan my 40th birthday. Because it's too hard to imagine all those things without alcohol. I can't imagine people will want to come to my birthday when there is no alcohol. And there's no way I'd have a party where everyone else can drink but I can't.
And the ugly below all this is that feeling that I get.... that thought that I get... that I can control my drinking. That idea that forms that it's ok, that I could control it now. I don't listen to her. I think that must be the addiction. Must be part of this recovery... that part of my brain that tries to tell me it's not so bad, that now that I've gone this long, having one drink would be ok. Drinking on holiday would be ok. Drinking at Christmas would be ok. But I shut that down right away. In the end, I know it's not and it won't be just one. I would slide down that slope right back into a pool of alcohol dependency. So I just slam that door and run from those thoughts.
So here's a brief review of what's been happening and how it's been going.
THE GOOD
Well there are the obvious things - not waking hungover, not going through life bleary eyed and feeling like crap, not beating myself up, feeling guilty and being angry with myself all the time... but now that some time has passed, there are more benefits. I have been sewing heaps, and loving it... I have been working on my business. My relationship with my husband is improving. We're not there yet but we are joking around and sleeping in the same bed again and this is a huge change. So we're on the right track. And I'm able to see his side of things a bit now with finances, working etc. We're back to being a team which is nice. And when I'm upset, I feel I have reason to be and not because my mind is all fuddled and I'm making it up. And I just handle it better. I'm really enjoying my kids. In the evening we all sit in the lounge together and my husband and I watch them play and play along. The days seemed so long at first, and that was initially part of why I drank. When I stopped, the days seemed long but in a good way, and I liked it... because it meant more time for me to sew!
THE BAD
It's not all roses. At first I really felt alcohol was missing. Daily. It just seemed so weird to never drink and I missed it. When I worked, that first friday I was driving home and I just felt a lacking. In my adult life I've never had a friday where I didn't have a drink. 20 years of classical conditioning is hard to break I suppose. I knew I could easily go home and drink. I was dieting too so that had to stop - it was risking my sobriety.
Also, life is a bit hum drum. By that I mean it just ticks along - no drama. I guess because there is no internal struggle on whether I drink or don't drink and then eventually succumb to drinking and then have the regret... the cycle isn't there so no drama. I'm not picking fights with my husband. I'm not apologising in the morning to him, feeling like a bad mum. There is just no drama. I have a problem, I try to deal with it rather than using it as an excuse to drink. I love my life now, I'm enjoying it, but sometimes it just feels a bit... easy. I know that may sound weird, but after years of the drinking dramas, it is just different living this way.
THE UGLY
There are times when I think about drinking. There are times when I think 'ya I could easily down enough alcohol to send myself into oblivion.' And if I follow that line of thinking a bit longer, I know I would like it. Regardless of knowing all there reasons why I don't, I still know, I would like the feeling of not feeling, being. So I quickly change my thoughts and don't continue to think about THAT.
I can't think about never drinking again. I can't think about Christmas, visiting my in-laws, I can't even plan my 40th birthday. Because it's too hard to imagine all those things without alcohol. I can't imagine people will want to come to my birthday when there is no alcohol. And there's no way I'd have a party where everyone else can drink but I can't.
And the ugly below all this is that feeling that I get.... that thought that I get... that I can control my drinking. That idea that forms that it's ok, that I could control it now. I don't listen to her. I think that must be the addiction. Must be part of this recovery... that part of my brain that tries to tell me it's not so bad, that now that I've gone this long, having one drink would be ok. Drinking on holiday would be ok. Drinking at Christmas would be ok. But I shut that down right away. In the end, I know it's not and it won't be just one. I would slide down that slope right back into a pool of alcohol dependency. So I just slam that door and run from those thoughts.
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Just over two weeks!
Well who's counting the days but ya, this Wednesday it will be 3 weeks since I've had a drink! And seriously, I'm not counting but I am aware of how far of come.
How far have I come do you ask?? Well, I feel freakin fantastic! I am actually loving life! Like I am happy for the first time in years... I still have my struggles.. like yesterday I was having a hard tiring day (because sometimes, that's life) and I thought man I'd have a drink right now. But then my thoughts don't follow that, the romantic thinking of kicking off my shoes and sitting down, feet up with a relaxing glass of wine. Because that is not what happens. Instead my mind goes next to a vision of me sitting at the table or in the kitchen avoiding my family and chugging back wine until I get to the point where everything is numb (haha I almost wrote dumb - Freudian slip!). And then perhaps picking a fight with my husband, going to bed, waking at 2 and lying awake for 2 hours feeling bad about myself, waking in the morning with a hangover but pretending I don't have one, bumbling around the kitchen trying to get breakfast, throwing back a coffee in the hopes that it helps, not looking my husband in the eye because I'm not sure if I've been mean to him or what I've said and I was sometimes not even sure what I ate. That's where my mind goes next because THAT is the reality. And I have no desire, whatsoever, to go back there.
So life is pretty good. I just feel better. I am going for walks and enjoying feeling good. This past week I've been so tired so I've been going to bed early which sucks because I was enjoying that time in the evening but oh well... I'm listening to my body.
Now that it's nearly been 3 weeks and the alcohol is out of my system I am starting eating healthier... starting today.. I am currently at 86.4 kg which is over 20 kg over my 'normal' weight - which is the weight I was up til I had kids. My goal is to reach my goal weight, or be as close as possible by my 40th birthday in December. I lost weight in my late twenties so I know how to do it.... but back then I was drinking. And now I'm not. So I figure this time I can treat myself to some extra bread or some cheese instead of a night of drinking ;) I'm really excited about this - especially since I know it will help me to feel better by eating a balanced diet... and getting exercise. And it's spring here so perfect timing! As I'm typing I hear the birds chirping :)
How far have I come do you ask?? Well, I feel freakin fantastic! I am actually loving life! Like I am happy for the first time in years... I still have my struggles.. like yesterday I was having a hard tiring day (because sometimes, that's life) and I thought man I'd have a drink right now. But then my thoughts don't follow that, the romantic thinking of kicking off my shoes and sitting down, feet up with a relaxing glass of wine. Because that is not what happens. Instead my mind goes next to a vision of me sitting at the table or in the kitchen avoiding my family and chugging back wine until I get to the point where everything is numb (haha I almost wrote dumb - Freudian slip!). And then perhaps picking a fight with my husband, going to bed, waking at 2 and lying awake for 2 hours feeling bad about myself, waking in the morning with a hangover but pretending I don't have one, bumbling around the kitchen trying to get breakfast, throwing back a coffee in the hopes that it helps, not looking my husband in the eye because I'm not sure if I've been mean to him or what I've said and I was sometimes not even sure what I ate. That's where my mind goes next because THAT is the reality. And I have no desire, whatsoever, to go back there.
So life is pretty good. I just feel better. I am going for walks and enjoying feeling good. This past week I've been so tired so I've been going to bed early which sucks because I was enjoying that time in the evening but oh well... I'm listening to my body.
Now that it's nearly been 3 weeks and the alcohol is out of my system I am starting eating healthier... starting today.. I am currently at 86.4 kg which is over 20 kg over my 'normal' weight - which is the weight I was up til I had kids. My goal is to reach my goal weight, or be as close as possible by my 40th birthday in December. I lost weight in my late twenties so I know how to do it.... but back then I was drinking. And now I'm not. So I figure this time I can treat myself to some extra bread or some cheese instead of a night of drinking ;) I'm really excited about this - especially since I know it will help me to feel better by eating a balanced diet... and getting exercise. And it's spring here so perfect timing! As I'm typing I hear the birds chirping :)
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