It's Getting to me

The mess that is.  So I am in the process of painting the bedrooms which means I haven't unpacked from the move and we have boxes EVERYWHERE!  To make matters worse, the boys are sleeping in our room while we paint ... so on top of the boxes, we now have a single bed in our living room and I feel like I'm tripping over stuff every time I turn around.  I realised today that I just need to get their room done asap! 

I also have a huge food hangover.  We have been eating absolute garbage for over a week now.  Sugar like crazy.  I'm not one of those super healthy people who treats their body like a temple that you need to roll your eyes at because I think I'm so great for being healthy... because I'm not!  I have watched what I ate before, but not until recently did I try to come off sugar.  I did the 17 day diet just before Christmas and much like drinking, I didn't realise how bad I felt til I came off the junk... meaning once I cut sugar out for a while, now I really feel it's effects.  I'm groggy, cranky, lethargic etc etc.  I just need to come off it again.  It's hard with so much other upheaval and I also want to maintain my sobriety so I've turned to food.  In the end it's just another substance to help me 'deal' with life but in the end, it just makes things worse.

So today I'm making a point of eating more fresh food.  I know I'll have more energy, be able to get these jobs finished and get better sleep if I do.  I just need to make time for it.  Wish me luck - I know it's not going to be easy... but I hope to eat a bit better today.

We have moved

Well things are much better then they were on my last post!  I think it's safe to say that I was at the end of my rope that day but now... well we have moved.  Since then, we found a house that was a really great price, in a good area (close to my 2 closest friends so how good is that!) and it just really has a good flow and is just really cute and homey.

So we moved in on Feb 1st and there are still boxes everywhere but I've decided to paint the bedrooms first so .. it'll be a work in progress for a while.  I've already painted the spare room (guest room I suppose!) and have just finished the trim on the boys' room.  After that I'll do our room then repaint the wood panelling in the lounge/ dining area and that's the painting done.  I have heaps of fabric chosen and plan to make all kinds of stuff.

That's the thing with not drinking.  So much more time to do lovely things.  I think that's what used to put me off about not drinking.. the loooong days.  But I was just painting in the boys' room and just had all these things come to me, thinking about all kinds of stuff, thinking about blogging, my cousin (who just got engaged - yey!!), my good friends back home.... listening to my husband giggling out in the lounge at some dumb show he's watching... and I just felt so good.  Felt so happy just to be decorating and making my house pretty.

I've had a weird week though.  I have had alcohol thoughts pop up randomly where they really hadn't been before.  I drove by a bottle shop on my way home from kindy pick up the other day and thought 'I would be stopping there every day on my way home... .well maybe not every day... I mean I wouldn't want the shop workers to know I drank that much'... and things like that.  Not sure if anyone else has gone through this?  It's weird - I suppose I thought moving to a new house where I have no association with drinking would make me think less about alcohol but I've had a few of these thoughts lately.

On the bright side - when my cousin told me he got engaged and we skyped and I heard all the lovey-dovey details and told him I would be coming to the wedding for sure.... I realised after we finished our conversation that I was genuinely excited to be going and my initial thought (for once) wasn't 'how will I cope with everyone drinking' and now it's more I'm so glad I will be sober so that I can enjoy and remember the occasion.  Also, he doesn't drink much and neither do his parents so it won't be the booze-fest our reception was.  It will be a bit classy.  Yey - I can buy a gorgeous dress :)

I give up

So we still haven't found a house to buy and we also can't seem to find a house to rent... And now my husband and I are not talking because I lost the plot and yelled at him last night.  This is the last thing we need right now, and now I feel isolated and all alone in our house with the kids who are basically fighting all the time.  Just now I sat down and thought that I could, should just get a bottle of wine.  My usual thought of knowing where it will quickly lead (to me being drunk every day) is not enough of a deterrent which surprises me because it always has been.  So now I just think make it til 5pm and I'll walk out of the house as soon as my husband walks in.  I just need to make it to 5pm.  I used to say that but for wine.  But then I know that won't be a break, it'll just keep me trapped in the house anyway.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  I wish he knew the struggle I go through.  I wish he appreciated just how hard I work every day.  Not just on the house and raising the kids but on the sobriety.  It may look easy, but it's not.  And I'm doing awesome and it's unnoticed.

Waiting Waiting

So we're still (STILL!) in the process of this whole house-selling/ buying thing.  We've had our house on the market for what feels like forever, and we have sold.  We have made an offer on another house but there was already a conditional on it so they have 3 days to become unconditional.  Because everything was shut over Christmas, the 3 days started yesterday which means they have til the end of tomorrow to become unconditional or walk away.  This is the reader's digest version - the long story involves lots of frustration with the real estate agents who didn't bring our offer to the owners (long, long story).  We have been trying to make an offer since early December.  Anyway, I know it will be coming to a close tomorrow one way or another, but the stress is definitely getting to me.

Yesterday I went for a 3 hour walk with the kids, today we (thankfully) have a kid's bday party to go to.  I am trying to remain positive, and trying to think that I just want whatever is best for us to work out.. to rely on greater powers to have this conclude in the best way possible for our family... but it's really hard for me to just let go and not spend my day praying/ hoping/ willing things to turn out the way I want them to!  And during all this, I'm just emotionally exhausted.  Is that normal?  Like I am just so worn out.  I'm sure it doesn't help that we've just been on holiday and to quote Clare from Modern Family 'I'm a stay at home Mum, this isn't a holiday, it's a business trip'.  All Mum's know that holidaying with a 2 and 4 year old is just more work!  And now it's school holidays and my rugrats are insane so that keeps me busy.... but on top of that is the stress that we don't know where we'll be living on Feb 1st and we just really, really want this place.

Anyway, thought maybe typing would help a bit.  Not sure if I should hope for what I want, leave it to the universe or just sleep til the end of tomorrow (haha - I wish!!!).

My first sober Christmas

Well obviously it isn't my first ever sober Christmas - I mean I didn't drink when I was a kid... and not when I was pregnant... but this is my first sober Christmas since I started my drinking career where I myself have chosen not to drink and not just gotten drunk or had sobriety forced on me because of pregnancy ;)  And I have to say, it was faaaarking hard!  I really wasn't expecting it.  I mean mentally I knew it would be difficult because we went to Australia to stay with my in-laws and that was always a party place for me - a place where I could drink relatively guilt free because I was on 'holiday' and everyone was drinking with me (or not, but everyone thought I was a hard-working mum who deserved the break). 

I guess I spent most of my time preparing for my brother in law's 40th birthday party and how I would deal with that.. . but I wasn't prepared for the day to day going-ons of Christmas and holiday drinking.  I arrived to my husband's 20 year old neice telling her boyfriend how 'awesome' I was and how funny I am sober, but man I'm really hilarious when I'm drunk.... and then she continued on saying 'I heard you're not drinking, who am I going to do shots with?!  You are the best to drink with!".  And I had such a hard time with this.  I really felt like I was facing my demons head on.  I suppose I was.  I was really unsure how I was going to deal with it all.  I wanted to blog for support/ to get things off my chest but couldn't due to computer issues there.  I just had to deal with it.  I talked to my hubby about it a bit.  I mean the thing is, I drank a lot because I loved it.  I didn't hate it.  And I knew I was heaps of fun ... and now I'm just not going to be that crazy funny hilarious do anything girl. 

BUT looking at it now, I think way more clearly about it.  I mean why do I want to be a party animal to a 20 year old?  I'm 40 now.  That's actually a bit embarrasing.  And that's part of why I quit drinking.  Oh well, no more having to listen to droning on drunk people talk about stuff I don't give a rat's ass about just so I can bum smokes from them ... smokes that I will feel sooo guilty for having when I wake the next day.  So I made it through that night.

I also made it through the bday party.  BIL (brother-in-law) had a family bbq during the day which was nice so I could be a part of something.  By this point I had started talking about my not drinking.  It was still super hard being there because everyone was drinking and I felt like a boring old person.  But then I left, and as soon as I left the pressure on my chest left as well.  I drove around the area with my kids and stopped at McDonald's on the way home.  It was actually really great, me and my 2 boys sitting there having a little treat and me just laughing at them being cute.  I realised I would've missed out on this if I was drinking.  And I wouldn't have even known that I was missing out on this because I would've been too focussed on getting drunk!

So I made it through the holiday and woke up every day feeling great - even if I was tired.  I never had a hang over, I never stayed up too late, I read my book on my new e-reader (bday gift from my hubbie - LOVE!!! it) and I did heaps HEAPS of fabric shopping and clothes shopping ... and still spent far less than I would've drinking.  And now I'm back home in the safety of my house and my little life that makes not drinking much easier. 

Over-freakin-whelmed

I am at the end of my rope.  All I want to do right now is drive to the closest place where I can get booze and go for it.  I have had a super stressful week with my 2 yo hitting basically everyone and nothing I do seems to work.  My 4yo has been screaming/ whining/ crying in response.  Add to this that we are trying to make an offer on a house and I'm getting one story from my lawyer, and a different one from the real estate agent and then I guess the lawyer learned that the real estate agent had the story right and she forgot to return all my calls and emails.  I just lost it, screamed and one son, hit the other (which I swore I'd never do).  My husband is out at a work party and drinking and thinks it's ok when it makes it that much harder for me.

Kids attacking me.  Must go.

A bit of boring stuff, really. Just felt like writing

Woke up this morning a bit angry at the world!  Now that I've eaten I feel much better :)  I actually had a really good, filling breakfast.  Who knew eating healthy could make one so full?!  Considering my old diet consisted of coffee, coffee, coffee, HUGE lunch because I was starving, then continue eating rubbish til bed.  Seems I replaced alcohol with food there for a while.  But I'm on track now, I've kept up with healthy eating all day yesterday (yey - not one cheat!) and have done 17 minutes of cardio every morning this week - that makes 4 days in a row.  Even lifted a few weights this morning.  Ok they were only 1 kg weights but I felt it.  Should give you an indication of how out of shape I am/ was!

I did up my to do list yesterday too.  I had 3 things on it and got them all done.  Pretty proud of myself.  Funny though, I did these three things and somehow my house ended up a mess.  None of the things were tidy the house.  So I need to account for that and not just take housework as a given. 

Today's list:
- call the bank
- call real estate agent about a house we like (yey!)
- vacumm house (haha - needs to be done!)

Also need to take the kids out this morning and oh ya - there is a sale on at our local fabric shop so obviously I have to go there! 

Must be on my way... so much to do :)