Monday morning blues

I'm a bit down today and part of it is because it's Monday, hubbie went back to work, gone 10 hours a day and I'm at home with the kids all that time with nothing on, no plans.... but mostly I'm down because this morning I decided that I would not drink today.  I decided that I would not drink during the week so that I'm 100% and can do things in the evening etc etc... all the reasons why I always say I will quit drinking.

But now I'm down.  Like really down.  The thought of being here for another 7 hours until my husband comes home with nothing else to look forward to depresses me.  I like the thought of having a drink at the end of the day, to help me get through.

But let's be honest.  Being a SAHM is not what is causing me to drink.  When I used to work I also loved looking forward to having a drink at the end of the day to unwind.  For some reason, it's always been alcohol. 

I'm back in that battle - the I won't drink, maybe just one, maybe tomorrow I won't drink.. the 'no you can't'/ 'yes I can' battle with myself.  It's horrible.  I hate it.  I get so frustrated and annoyed.  And then I just give in and drink because I can't handle it anymore.

I know that when I stopped drinking completely for those two months I at least didn't have this internal war.  At least I had peace.  But I was also miserable about the thought of never drinking.  In an ideal world I'd just have a few drinks on a Friday and that's it.  In the real world, I try to have a drink and alternate with water and stop after a couple but once I start, I just want to get drunk.  What is it with that??  Last night I didn't want to open a second bottle of wine so I started in to bailey's.  On a Sunday night, after everyone else was in bed.

I'd say I'm ashamed, but more so I'm just pissed off that I can't seem to just break this habit/ cycle/ addiction (?).  It's such a waste of time and mindspace.  And the constant beating up on myself just makes me feel like crap.

I see three options here with problems associated with each.  One:  I give in to the drinking and stop fighting with myself over it.  Problem - I'll hate myself, I don't want to do this (obviously!).   Two:  I quit drinking altogether.  Problem - I am miserable with the thought of NEVER having another drink.  Three - Moderate my drinking.  Problem - I think this is great in theory but every time I have that first sip, I no longer want to moderate my drinking.  No matter what.  I just want to drink to get drunk.

I hate this.  I wish there was a magic wand that someone could wave to just take this problem away.  I don't understand why I have to go through this.  I am angry about the whole thing.

I heard this quote the other day:  “. . . hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else . . . . Wanting life to be different from what it is."  So I guess this means I'm in hell. 

I'm Back

I've been gone for ages. Here's what happened.  I went overseas for 2.5 months and totally planned to keep writing, wanted to, looked forward to it... but then I got worried that my family would see me in their computer history and I definitely am not ready for people I know to read me... especially when it's so personal.  So I fretted, and thought about it but in the end, I kept off the blog.

The other thing is that (of course) I started drinking again.  I went 2 months without a drink, so concerned that I was becoming like my parents.  A lot of the time, to be honest, I was miserable. Not on the day to day not drinking, but the thought of big occasions... not having a glass of wine at a wedding, or family gathering etc.  Well once I was home it turns out I just started eating my problems instead of drinking them.  After two months I decided I would drink again.

For the most part it's been ok. I mean I realised rather quickly that I would just replace the alcohol with food so obviously it's just a symptom of a deeper problem.  If I'm just going to replace one 'drug' with another I'm not solving anything by just trading one for the other.

But now that I'm back home I find myself in that all too familiar pattern... drink, tired next day, drink again. I  guess I thought that once I stopped drinking everything else would fall in place.  But it didn't.  And having two young kids and a house to run with basically no help, I just can't help but find comfort in alchohol.  I try not to beat myself up over it.  Not sure where to go from here.  But I'm back so I'll keep writing in the hopes of figuring it out.