So I'm sticking to my 'maximum alloted drinks' and even to the number of alcohol free days each week. Sunday I didn't drink. Monday I did. I stuck to 8 drinks (ya I know that's a lot but still, heaps less then I had been drinking). I woke up Tuesday feeling guitly. Drank Tuesday night. Woke up Wednesday feeling a bit self-righteous. Today I woke at 4 and barely slept since. My feelings today were a mixture of anger at others, self-loathing, feeling there is nothing for me in life, depressed, lonely and the rest.
I seem to notice this pattern when I drink in successive days. Like one day is ok. Two is not. Three is horrible. By 4 I hate everyone in my life. Or at least those closest to me. I think about leaving it all.
In the end I know I have to stop drinking. If I don't, I will be on this ride for eternity. But you know, I was so tired today and so upset that I was thinking the last thing I need to do is drink. But then I was also thinking about how much I wanted to drink to forget it all. We all know that doesn't happen. I forget for a while but really all I'm doing is stewing in these 'juices'. I stick to my 8 maximum but all the while I really want more. Life was easier when I quit for 2 months. I was still miserable but at least my hatred wasn't inwardly directed.
Life was so much easier when I was amongst university students, or a young single professional in Canada's capital. But now I have people to answer to. I'm not living alone. I know what this is doing. And it's not even so much what I'm doing to my family, because I try soooo hard to be good. It's what I'm left with at the end of the day when I'm alone.
The thing is... I can't handle thinking about family parties in the future without alcohol. I'll be missing out.
Well, maybe not. The more this continues, the less I see that as a reason to quit drinking.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Monday, 23 July 2012
Update time
Hi all,
Been a bit absent. We went on holiday for a week so didn't post .. got back and just got busy with life.
Things have been going well for the most part. Been a bit stressful with the move and not knowing what we're going to be doing but we've just realised selling the house right now would mean making a huge loss so we've decided to stay put for the time being. HUGE stress off my shoulders.
As for the drinking, I've been seeing my alcohol counsellor. Bit tough as she actually said I was addicted to alcohol and anyone who is should abstain. That was a real shock to hear and I think part of me is still in disbelief even though I know I have a problem... if that makes sense. Up til now everyone I have sought out has sort of laughed at me thinking I had a problem. She left my goal up to me and for now I'm still trying to control my drinking. I am doing this for a couple of reasons. One is that I need to prove to myself that I can (or more likely can't) control my drinking. That way if and when I do decide to abstain I will know for sure that I couldn't control it.. not like last time where I doubted if I had a problem. The second is of course that I don't want to stop drinking. Of course.
So it's been ok. When I don't drink, I find it pretty easy peasy. When I do drink I have been keeping to my set limit with my counsellor... except one night I overdid it drinking with family. So right now my limit is still pretty high - one bottle of wine (yikes!) per session which is fairly easy to control because I only have a bottle of wine in the house at any given time so I can't continue. Still, it's hard once I start. But then the next day I realise that I'm still pretty hung over and feel quite crappy. At least I don't have the guilt (as much) because i'm working towards a goal.
So that's where things stand at the moment.
Been a bit absent. We went on holiday for a week so didn't post .. got back and just got busy with life.
Things have been going well for the most part. Been a bit stressful with the move and not knowing what we're going to be doing but we've just realised selling the house right now would mean making a huge loss so we've decided to stay put for the time being. HUGE stress off my shoulders.
As for the drinking, I've been seeing my alcohol counsellor. Bit tough as she actually said I was addicted to alcohol and anyone who is should abstain. That was a real shock to hear and I think part of me is still in disbelief even though I know I have a problem... if that makes sense. Up til now everyone I have sought out has sort of laughed at me thinking I had a problem. She left my goal up to me and for now I'm still trying to control my drinking. I am doing this for a couple of reasons. One is that I need to prove to myself that I can (or more likely can't) control my drinking. That way if and when I do decide to abstain I will know for sure that I couldn't control it.. not like last time where I doubted if I had a problem. The second is of course that I don't want to stop drinking. Of course.
So it's been ok. When I don't drink, I find it pretty easy peasy. When I do drink I have been keeping to my set limit with my counsellor... except one night I overdid it drinking with family. So right now my limit is still pretty high - one bottle of wine (yikes!) per session which is fairly easy to control because I only have a bottle of wine in the house at any given time so I can't continue. Still, it's hard once I start. But then the next day I realise that I'm still pretty hung over and feel quite crappy. At least I don't have the guilt (as much) because i'm working towards a goal.
So that's where things stand at the moment.
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Today I am not going to drink
That's right. I am staying strong in my resolve and not even allowing myself one thought of 'maybe'. Today I am not going to drink. I have decided that since Monday nights have the one or two tv shows that my husband and I like, I'm not going to drink today and instead I'm going to do everything I can to look forward to that time together at the end of the day when our kids are asleep.
It's a good day for it too. Both kids are in care and I'm at home by myself. I can do anything I want until 3pm and I'm going to. Then they can come home, we'll have a snack (so I won't be hungry because that's always when I want to drink- it has the greatest and quickest effect on an empty stomach!). And we'll wait to have dinner with my hubby at 5:30. Once he's home and I've eaten, I'm in the clear. Just need to get through from 3:30 to 5:30. But I'm strong in my resolve.
I've been to the doctor. It was quite good going, she did a physical exam so I know the alcohol hasn't destroyed me (yet). She told me I'm not an alcoholic. In some ways that is good to hear but in others it was a bit dissapointing. I know I'm not an alcoholic, but if I was, there would be no other way than to quit. This sort of opens the door to moderation etc. She referred me to an alcohol counsellor. One that is local (before I had to drive 40 minutes to the one I was seeing).
I went to the alcohol counsellor on Friday. She is part of the Salvation Army Bridge Programme which I had never heard of before. We spent about an hour and a half discussing basically my medical history. I have an appointment on Wednesday this week and she said this week we are going to delve in to my alcohol history in depth and also work on some coping strategies. My only requirement is that I need to be sober for the 24 hours before going. So that means no drinking tomorrow either. I'm determined to do this. I feel like crap today so it will be somewhat easy not to drink today.
Friday's appointment was a bit difficult. I had to talk about a couple of things that I tend not to think are a big deal but given her reaction, they probably are. Friday night my husband and I had a few drinks and we had a real heart to heart about our move. The rest of the weekend was pretty good as we are on a real positive note with our relationship, our move and our lives on the whole. So for this reason, I feel less the need to drink and more the need to sit on the couch and have a cuppa and a relaxing time together. He really opened up to me and I now see the troubles he is going through as well. We have a great game plan for the move and what we are going to do once we get there.
But I still drank heaps last night. A bottle of red and a bunch of bubbly because that was the only thing left in the house. I woke at 2 am and started my ritual of regret but at least I could tell myself 'I'm doing something about it'. I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor.
I was going to spend the day working on my business but instead I think I'll just relax. I need to keep in this frame of mind. I'm a bit lonely today too. Maybe I need a bit more sleep.
It's a good day for it too. Both kids are in care and I'm at home by myself. I can do anything I want until 3pm and I'm going to. Then they can come home, we'll have a snack (so I won't be hungry because that's always when I want to drink- it has the greatest and quickest effect on an empty stomach!). And we'll wait to have dinner with my hubby at 5:30. Once he's home and I've eaten, I'm in the clear. Just need to get through from 3:30 to 5:30. But I'm strong in my resolve.
I've been to the doctor. It was quite good going, she did a physical exam so I know the alcohol hasn't destroyed me (yet). She told me I'm not an alcoholic. In some ways that is good to hear but in others it was a bit dissapointing. I know I'm not an alcoholic, but if I was, there would be no other way than to quit. This sort of opens the door to moderation etc. She referred me to an alcohol counsellor. One that is local (before I had to drive 40 minutes to the one I was seeing).
I went to the alcohol counsellor on Friday. She is part of the Salvation Army Bridge Programme which I had never heard of before. We spent about an hour and a half discussing basically my medical history. I have an appointment on Wednesday this week and she said this week we are going to delve in to my alcohol history in depth and also work on some coping strategies. My only requirement is that I need to be sober for the 24 hours before going. So that means no drinking tomorrow either. I'm determined to do this. I feel like crap today so it will be somewhat easy not to drink today.
Friday's appointment was a bit difficult. I had to talk about a couple of things that I tend not to think are a big deal but given her reaction, they probably are. Friday night my husband and I had a few drinks and we had a real heart to heart about our move. The rest of the weekend was pretty good as we are on a real positive note with our relationship, our move and our lives on the whole. So for this reason, I feel less the need to drink and more the need to sit on the couch and have a cuppa and a relaxing time together. He really opened up to me and I now see the troubles he is going through as well. We have a great game plan for the move and what we are going to do once we get there.
But I still drank heaps last night. A bottle of red and a bunch of bubbly because that was the only thing left in the house. I woke at 2 am and started my ritual of regret but at least I could tell myself 'I'm doing something about it'. I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor.
I was going to spend the day working on my business but instead I think I'll just relax. I need to keep in this frame of mind. I'm a bit lonely today too. Maybe I need a bit more sleep.
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Feeling like crap
So I'm not drinking today, I'm determined not to. And I know tomorrow I will still be tired but at least I won't be hung over. I'm writing this so that I can remember exactly how I feel the day after I drink... or how I feel after drinking for 3 weeks straight and finally stopping.
See the thing is, I wake up feeling fine. I don't really feel tired or hungover... but after I eat lunch it hits. I feel tired and seedy... bit groggy and almost like I've smoked a pack of cigarettes (I don't smoke). And cold. I'm freezing! It always hits me in the afternoon I think.. but by this point I've usually already decided that I'm going to drink so I only have to hang out for an hour or two and then I know I can have my wine so I think that makes me not 'feel' so bad... or at least not pay attention to how bad I feel.
But today, I know I'm not going to drink so I don't have that little ray of hope to hang on to. Instead though, I am focussing on how when the kids go to bed at 7 I can then relax and watch tv under a blanket, read a book or go to bed early. I only have to make it til 7 and I'll be fine. And really, that's only 2 hours later than I have to make it to have a drink so it's not really that long. And I know I'll feel good tomorrow. I won't wake at 2 am and not be able to get back to sleep because of my self loathing. I will wake up feeling good about myself and the fact that I didn't drink. And I will just feel better because I won't be hung over.
I just want to be able to remind myself of this.
I'm off to see the doctor shortly to talk about my drinking. May be back later to say how it went. Wish me luck! And strength.
See the thing is, I wake up feeling fine. I don't really feel tired or hungover... but after I eat lunch it hits. I feel tired and seedy... bit groggy and almost like I've smoked a pack of cigarettes (I don't smoke). And cold. I'm freezing! It always hits me in the afternoon I think.. but by this point I've usually already decided that I'm going to drink so I only have to hang out for an hour or two and then I know I can have my wine so I think that makes me not 'feel' so bad... or at least not pay attention to how bad I feel.
But today, I know I'm not going to drink so I don't have that little ray of hope to hang on to. Instead though, I am focussing on how when the kids go to bed at 7 I can then relax and watch tv under a blanket, read a book or go to bed early. I only have to make it til 7 and I'll be fine. And really, that's only 2 hours later than I have to make it to have a drink so it's not really that long. And I know I'll feel good tomorrow. I won't wake at 2 am and not be able to get back to sleep because of my self loathing. I will wake up feeling good about myself and the fact that I didn't drink. And I will just feel better because I won't be hung over.
I just want to be able to remind myself of this.
I'm off to see the doctor shortly to talk about my drinking. May be back later to say how it went. Wish me luck! And strength.
Monday, 4 June 2012
Habit or addiction?
So I've been drinking, every day again. Still. I'm trying so hard to break it but I can't seem to do it. I can easily justify it because of the stress of my life... but then I can easily see that drinking does not make it better. That it makes it worse.
It's hard because I constantly ask is this just a habit or an addiction. Then a few days ago I read a post on the Drinking Diaries about Chardonnay Housewives and it spoke to me. Especially this line: '...Dublin doctor who specializes in addiction, sees is the one who had engaged in “social, sitting at home, bottle of wine” kind of drinking, which at first seems harmless. The problem is when the ritual moves into a habit, then a full-blown craving, and finally, a need.'
And I think... that is totally me. It has now become a need. And I do crave it. The other day I actually had the shakes and that scared the crap out of me. And at the same time I felt strangely relieved because now I know it's a problem.
I was going to make an appointment with my Dr but I made the mistake of talking to my husband about it. I say mistake becuase he doesn't understand it. He sees me as a person in total control and just says 'if you want to drink, drink. Don't feel guilty about it'. And I"m realising that he's not a jerk, he just doesn't get it. I don't want to drink and I drink. I want to drink and I drink. I swear I won't drink and I drink. It has nothing to do with want anymore. And I always feel guilty. I wake at 2 am and lie there beating myself up, swearing I won't drink today... I lay awake for hours. In the morning, I slowly start to realise that I will drink today.
The other line in the article that hit home with me was: ' ... given the Russian Roulette nature of addiction (you don’t know you’re an addict until you’re hooked, and then the denial kicks in)...' which is of course where I sit right now... but then it goes on to say '...it might be a good idea for women to learn to untangle wine from need, and make it a weekend treat instead of something to look forward to “each and every day."' which makes me feel like I can do what I want - control it and keep it to the weekends. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get to that point.
I have no idea how to kick this. It seems bigger than what I can do on my own. I try to not drink, I try to control/ limit the alcohol but I'm realising that I can't just do it on my own. I'm going to call the doctor today and talk to her about it. I'm so embarrased though. I don't want to admit my problem to her. I don't want her to realise what a mess I am.
It's hard because I constantly ask is this just a habit or an addiction. Then a few days ago I read a post on the Drinking Diaries about Chardonnay Housewives and it spoke to me. Especially this line: '...Dublin doctor who specializes in addiction, sees is the one who had engaged in “social, sitting at home, bottle of wine” kind of drinking, which at first seems harmless. The problem is when the ritual moves into a habit, then a full-blown craving, and finally, a need.'
And I think... that is totally me. It has now become a need. And I do crave it. The other day I actually had the shakes and that scared the crap out of me. And at the same time I felt strangely relieved because now I know it's a problem.
I was going to make an appointment with my Dr but I made the mistake of talking to my husband about it. I say mistake becuase he doesn't understand it. He sees me as a person in total control and just says 'if you want to drink, drink. Don't feel guilty about it'. And I"m realising that he's not a jerk, he just doesn't get it. I don't want to drink and I drink. I want to drink and I drink. I swear I won't drink and I drink. It has nothing to do with want anymore. And I always feel guilty. I wake at 2 am and lie there beating myself up, swearing I won't drink today... I lay awake for hours. In the morning, I slowly start to realise that I will drink today.
The other line in the article that hit home with me was: ' ... given the Russian Roulette nature of addiction (you don’t know you’re an addict until you’re hooked, and then the denial kicks in)...' which is of course where I sit right now... but then it goes on to say '...it might be a good idea for women to learn to untangle wine from need, and make it a weekend treat instead of something to look forward to “each and every day."' which makes me feel like I can do what I want - control it and keep it to the weekends. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get to that point.
I have no idea how to kick this. It seems bigger than what I can do on my own. I try to not drink, I try to control/ limit the alcohol but I'm realising that I can't just do it on my own. I'm going to call the doctor today and talk to her about it. I'm so embarrased though. I don't want to admit my problem to her. I don't want her to realise what a mess I am.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Reading Recommendations?
Just looking for some book suggestions on alcohol/ alcoholism. I'm struggling to figure out what I'm going through and since I read up on everything else, I'd like to read about this too. I went to the library but wasn't sure what to get... so I'm turning to you.
Could you please suggest some books for me? I'm looking for information on what alcohol does to you (the hard truth so I can no longer deny that there's no harm) and also maybe some biographies of people who have gone through this... but I'm not looking for ones on hardcore drug addicts/ alcoholics... I'm more looking at people who drink like me... like obviously way too much but are still able to function etc etc.....
Any suggestions are welcome - thanks.
Rosie
Could you please suggest some books for me? I'm looking for information on what alcohol does to you (the hard truth so I can no longer deny that there's no harm) and also maybe some biographies of people who have gone through this... but I'm not looking for ones on hardcore drug addicts/ alcoholics... I'm more looking at people who drink like me... like obviously way too much but are still able to function etc etc.....
Any suggestions are welcome - thanks.
Rosie
Monday, 14 May 2012
Down in the dumps
It sort of seems like nothing is going right in my life at the moment. I'm pretty down about it all. I've been drinking again and it would be easy to blame it all on the alcohol but it's not just the drinking. The drinking is a side effect of everything else going on. And I know it makes it worse and that if I quit, once I get through the inital rough bit (however many days, weeks, months, years that takes) it will get better - or so I'm told. But right now, I can't see life being any better without alcohol.
I'm being completely honest here - and I have been worried about writing because I don't want to look like a complete idiot to all of you who have been through this before and have come out the other side. I can almost hear shouts of 'how can you do this to yourself' or worse - how can I be so stupid? Why do I keep giving in.
Truth is, I'm lost right now. I have no idea what to do. There really isn't any part of me that wants to completely quit drinking. There is a part of me that is saying 'screw it' and just giving in. The biggest part of me wants to just control my drinking and that's what I've been working on doing - at least until this part of my life is over.
This part - this moving to a new place. This life it total upheaveal part. I mean I know there will always be ups and downs in life but right now I'm feeling really down. The idea of moving to a new place and starting all over again is not a great one. And at this moment in time, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my husband last night but he told me I wasn't being nice. So there - no friends that I can talk to about how down I feel (no one I feel I can really open up to), a husband that outright rejects me, a 2 year old who always wants to sit on me and be with me 24/7, I'm trying to get my business going but no one seems to want my stuff (more rejection - I've been to two craft markets and have only sold a couple of things - not even covering my costs), bills have piled up and we can't pay them... etc etc etc. I feel so down and I can't even turn to sewing because it messes up the house.
And we're going away this weekend to go look at houses and it will be left up to me to pack the car and clean the house because we will have an open home when we are gone.
I feel there is too much going on and on top of it, I have to take care of my 3 and 1 year old (of course) and my husband coaches rugby on the weekends so starting saturday morning he is totally occupied with that and then he's gone half the day. He's not an ass, he's a great guy, but he's miserable right now because of work so I do feel he needs his rugby. But then where does it leave me?
Alone. And lonely. With no one to talk to.
I'm being completely honest here - and I have been worried about writing because I don't want to look like a complete idiot to all of you who have been through this before and have come out the other side. I can almost hear shouts of 'how can you do this to yourself' or worse - how can I be so stupid? Why do I keep giving in.
Truth is, I'm lost right now. I have no idea what to do. There really isn't any part of me that wants to completely quit drinking. There is a part of me that is saying 'screw it' and just giving in. The biggest part of me wants to just control my drinking and that's what I've been working on doing - at least until this part of my life is over.
This part - this moving to a new place. This life it total upheaveal part. I mean I know there will always be ups and downs in life but right now I'm feeling really down. The idea of moving to a new place and starting all over again is not a great one. And at this moment in time, I feel like I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my husband last night but he told me I wasn't being nice. So there - no friends that I can talk to about how down I feel (no one I feel I can really open up to), a husband that outright rejects me, a 2 year old who always wants to sit on me and be with me 24/7, I'm trying to get my business going but no one seems to want my stuff (more rejection - I've been to two craft markets and have only sold a couple of things - not even covering my costs), bills have piled up and we can't pay them... etc etc etc. I feel so down and I can't even turn to sewing because it messes up the house.
And we're going away this weekend to go look at houses and it will be left up to me to pack the car and clean the house because we will have an open home when we are gone.
I feel there is too much going on and on top of it, I have to take care of my 3 and 1 year old (of course) and my husband coaches rugby on the weekends so starting saturday morning he is totally occupied with that and then he's gone half the day. He's not an ass, he's a great guy, but he's miserable right now because of work so I do feel he needs his rugby. But then where does it leave me?
Alone. And lonely. With no one to talk to.
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