The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Well it's been 10 weeks if you can believe it.  I can't, I just had to count.  I thought it was 8, maybe 9.  Just goes to show, time ticks on.  I was working for a few weeks but now I'm back home.  I want to post more on here.  I am keen to tell my story.  So I'm going to commit to more posts....  I have so much to say!!  And all the non-alcohol dependent people in my life don't really get it - CAN'T really get it.

So here's a brief review of what's been happening and how it's been going.

THE GOOD

Well there are the obvious things - not waking hungover, not going through life bleary eyed and feeling like crap, not beating myself up, feeling guilty and being angry with myself all the time... but now that some time has passed, there are more benefits.  I have been sewing heaps, and loving it... I have been working on my business.  My relationship with my husband is improving.  We're not there yet but we are joking around and sleeping in the same bed again and this is a huge change.  So we're on the right track.  And I'm able to see his side of things a bit now with finances, working etc.  We're back to being a team which is nice.  And when I'm upset, I feel I have reason to be and not because my mind is all fuddled and I'm making it up.  And I just handle it better.  I'm really enjoying my kids.  In the evening we all sit in the lounge together and my husband and I watch them play and play along.  The days seemed so long at first, and that was initially part of why I drank.  When I stopped, the days seemed long but in a good way, and I liked it... because it meant more time for me to sew!

THE BAD

It's not all roses.  At first I really felt alcohol was missing.  Daily.  It just seemed so weird to never drink and I missed it.  When I worked, that first friday I was driving home and I just felt a lacking.  In my adult life I've never had a friday where I didn't have a drink.  20 years of classical conditioning is hard to break I suppose.  I knew I could easily go home and drink.  I was dieting too so that had to stop - it was risking my sobriety.  

Also, life is a bit hum drum.  By that I mean it just ticks along - no drama.  I guess because there is no internal struggle on whether I drink or don't drink and then eventually succumb to drinking and then have the regret... the cycle isn't there so no drama.  I'm not picking fights with my husband.  I'm not apologising in the morning to him, feeling like a bad mum.  There is just no drama.  I have a problem, I try to deal with it rather than using it as an excuse to drink.  I love my life now, I'm enjoying it, but sometimes it just feels a bit... easy.  I know that may sound weird, but after years of the drinking dramas, it is just different living this way.

THE UGLY

There are times when I think about drinking.  There are times when I think 'ya I could easily down enough alcohol to send myself into oblivion.'  And if I follow that line of thinking a bit longer, I know I would like it.  Regardless of knowing all there reasons why I don't, I still know, I would like the feeling of not feeling, being.  So I quickly change my thoughts and don't continue to think about THAT.

I can't think about never drinking again.  I can't think about Christmas, visiting my in-laws, I can't even plan my 40th birthday.  Because it's too hard to imagine all those things without alcohol.  I can't imagine people will want to come to my birthday when there is no alcohol.  And there's no way I'd have a party where everyone else can drink but I can't.

And the ugly below all this is that feeling that I get.... that thought that I get... that I can control my drinking.  That idea that forms that it's ok, that I could control it now.  I don't listen to her.  I think that must be the addiction.  Must be part of this recovery... that part of my brain that tries to tell me it's not so bad, that now that I've gone this long, having one drink would be ok.  Drinking on holiday would be ok.  Drinking at Christmas would be ok.  But I shut that down right away.  In the end, I know it's not and it won't be just one.  I would slide down that slope right back into a pool of alcohol dependency.  So I just slam that door and run from those thoughts.

Just over two weeks!

Well who's counting the days but ya, this Wednesday it will be 3 weeks since I've had a drink!  And seriously, I'm not counting but I am aware of how far of come.

How far have I come do you ask??   Well, I feel freakin fantastic!  I am actually loving life!  Like I am happy for the first time in years...  I still have my struggles.. like yesterday I was having a hard tiring day (because sometimes, that's life) and I thought man I'd have a drink right now.  But then my thoughts don't follow that, the romantic thinking of kicking off my shoes and sitting down, feet up with a relaxing glass of wine.  Because that is not what happens.  Instead my mind goes next to a vision of me sitting at the table or in the kitchen avoiding my family and chugging back wine until I get to the point where everything is numb (haha I almost wrote dumb - Freudian slip!).  And then perhaps picking a fight with my husband, going to bed, waking at 2 and lying awake for 2 hours feeling bad about myself, waking in the morning with a hangover but pretending I don't have one, bumbling around the kitchen trying to get breakfast, throwing back a coffee in the hopes that it helps, not looking my husband in the eye because I'm not sure if I've been mean to him or what I've said and I was sometimes not even sure what I ate.  That's where my mind goes next because THAT is the reality.  And I have no desire, whatsoever, to go back there. 

So life is pretty good.  I just feel better.  I am going for walks and enjoying feeling good.  This past week I've been so tired so I've been going to bed early which sucks because I was enjoying that time in the evening but oh well... I'm listening to my body.

Now that it's nearly been 3 weeks and the alcohol is out of my system I am starting eating healthier... starting today..  I am currently at 86.4 kg which is over 20 kg over my 'normal' weight - which is the weight I was up til I had kids.  My goal is to reach my goal weight, or be as close as possible by my 40th birthday in December.  I lost weight in my late twenties so I know how to do it.... but back then I was drinking.  And now I'm not.  So I figure this time I can treat myself to some extra bread or some cheese instead of a night of drinking ;)  I'm really excited about this - especially since I know it will help me to feel better by eating a balanced diet... and getting exercise.  And it's spring here so perfect timing!  As I'm typing I hear the birds chirping :)

I want to drink... but I don't want to drink

Today is the type of day that makes me want to give up and have a drink.  I'm pretty upset with my current situation in life - suffice to say my husband's last day at work is this Friday and we have no means of income after that.  I feel like I'm tired of always cleaning up the messes, of fixing everything up.

I feel like I have done so much in the past 4 years.  I have been staying home raising our two boys and have struggled a lot with that.  I had post natal depression - well still do I suppose.  And there were days when I wish I'd die... not that I'd actually do anything to myself, but if say a tree fell on me, at that point, I'd have been ok with that.  Through counselling and medication and lots of self-work, I have built myself back up.  I feel - some days - like the person I used to be.. look forward to life and get joy at points.

I have also been building up my business, working to create new things and also trying to market my business and products. 

I have made a new friend with common interests and she doesn't drink which is even better.

I have taken parenting courses to both improve my skills as a parent and gain confidence in my parenting.

I have tried to implement budgets.  I eat out less, I make more food from scratch.  I am adding personal touches to our home.

This is what I wished for - what I have been working towards and you know, I'm happy.

I am working on my drinking, 7th day sober today and I know this is the next thing I'm meant to be working on, but I am happy and I feel like life is going pretty smoothly.

But my husband is miserable.  He hates his stressful job and can't do it anymore.  I get that, I really do.  But the thing I don't get is that he quit with nothing else lined up.  And he wanted to move AGAIN.  So I said in the heat of the moment an din panic that if we didn't move, I'd work.  But I don't want to work.  I've done all the hard yards and I want to reap the benefits of all the labour I've put in over the last 4 years.  Things were finally going smoothly and all was well and now I'm expected to go to work to support the family??
We have no savings, heaps of expenses and no one is doing anything about planning for what we are going to do next week when we have no job.  I tried to talk to my husband to make a plan but all he said was 'we have to find work'.  He's not filed a tax return in years - we could be getting money back from that.  We could be doing heaps of other things in the interim.. but all he thinks is we have to get work.  Like it's that easy - and that fast.

And then last night he's looking at houses that are on the market.  He always seems to look for the quick fixes.  Like selling our house at a loss and buying another will solve our problems.  Or moving to a different city.

I feel like he's really put us in a bind but I felt I couldn't say anything because he's miserable and I don't want him to be miserable.

And now I am the one who has to go through all the finances agian, cancel all the extras etc etc.  And it's such bad timing because I am trying to get ready for two huge craft markets in the next two weeks and I had commited to these long before my husband resigned.

I just feel like it's always me fixing things.  I am so angry.  And it's only 1:15 and I want to drink.  I usually start drinking at 3pm so that I can escape from this.  It's all just built up today and I'm not sure what to do or how to get through this.  

The difference with this time

Last year I gave up alcohol for 2 months from October to December.  This time around things are different.  I keep thinking about what I thought then and what I feel now and want to get it out.

Last time I thought I'd give up alcohol and automatically everything will be better.  I would feel better, feel rested, lose weight, be happy.  When I woke up feeling like crap I would think to myself 'well I feel like crap anyway, I may as well drink if I'm going to feel like this!'   This time I realise that I'm actually going through withdrawl.  I feel like crap because my body is working extra hard to get rid of its dependancy on alcohol.  I feel like crap because my body is recovering from being used to having alcohol in my body on a daily basis and it is fighting this need along with trying to repair itself.

Last time I thought I'd lose weight right away.  This time I'm not worrying about that right now.  I am treating myself to other things, eating what I want and what my body wants and then once I'm through this initial withdrawl and I start to feel better I will work on my weight.

Last time I thought that I would have all this free time in the evenings because I'm not drinking.  This time I realise that I am just really tired as I work through the withdrawls both physically and mentally and I just go to bed when I am tired.

Last time I looked at the big picture - wanted all these changes N-O-W and expected them asap.  I overlooked all the little things that were happening.  This time I am paying attention to those little things. Things like I just look at my kids and see how cute they are and how nice they are and how much I was missing.  I think about how I'm not stressed out first thing in the morning trying to get breakfast ready and fighting the blurry hangover state I was in.  This time I notice that I have a few spare minutes during the day to sit at my sewing machine and do a few stitches.  This time I enjoy being able to look my husband in the eye (not avoid eye contact because I'm too embarrased and ashamed) and have a silly laugh about something totally dumb that we find funny.  This time I am giving myself a break for being grumpy and I don't expect myself to be all happy and roses... I realise this is a tough time and it's ok to be miserable sometimes.  I don't have to be happy and perfect just cuz I'm not drinking.

It's still a struggle.  Especially when 3 pm hits and that's the time I usually start drinking.  Today will be a test because my husband won't be home til 5:30.  I might have to go pick him up from work to keep the gremlins away.  So it's not super easy and there are still times when I want to drink.  And I don't ever think about how I'm 'never going to drink again'.  But this time I realise there is a lot more going on inside of me and I have to have patience.  I just keep thinking that I'm not losing weight right now just because I've stopped drinking and my business isn't an overnight success and my husband and I aren't holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes all madly in love.. none of this has automatically happened... but I keep thinking that there is no way that any of that would happen while I was drinking the way I was.  At least now I have a chance for all of this to happen in the future.  And I have faith that it will.

Day 6

Well here I am again, and this time I've partly ended up here by accident.

I've been seeing my Alcohol Counsellor (AC) and this is my 3rd one and she really suits me.  She is very logical, full of information and comes at it (at least with me) with an intellectual perspective.  What I mean is she explains heaps to me like the actual physical effects of alcohol on, say, my liver.  And she explains how giving up alcohol will bring me through the 5 stages of grief.  And she explained where I am on the spectrum of alcohol consumers.... from non-drinker on the far left to alcohol dependent on the far right.  I am alcohol dependent but she says within that range I am on the far left of the spectrum in that I still have control. And she says it's important that I do because I don't want to step over that line.

And then she put the labelling alcohol chart away and we won't talk about it again.  She doesn't use the word alcoholic and says it's old fashioned and out dated.  I am happy with all these things.  I also think it's good that a professional has finally told me I have a problem.  I still sometimes think I don't (denial I suppose) but I know I do.

And then we worked on a plan to get to abstinence which would take 4 weeks of reducing my alcohol intake in conjuction with growing the number of alcohol free days in a row.  We're doing it this way just so we can avoid any potentially harmful withdrawls.  Apparently I was at risk of having siezures, a stroke etc.  Man that was a real eye opener... to realise my body has become that dependant on alcohol that I actually risk such harmful withdrawl symptoms!

So I'm on week 2.  Week 1 was drink no more than 1 bottle of wine per session and 2 alcohol free days in a row.  I didn't think I did well but she thought I did.  Week 2 is 2 alcohol free days in a row plus one other alcohol free day and then keep to 1/2 a bottle of wine per session.  I was a bit worried about how I would open a bottle of wine and not finish but but lo-and-behold I caught the flu.  I got super sick on Thursday which was the 2nd day of week two (my appointments are on Wednesday and therefore that is the 'start' of my alcohol week).   I am still sick today.  I have been suffering withdrawl symptoms and yesterday was pretty bad but because I have the flu, I can't possibly drink.  I did think about it yesterday just to allieviate the withdrawl symptoms but I knew this would only delay the inevitable and next week I'd just have to go through them again.  I guess I'm just ripping the bandage off quickly this time. 

I have so much to say, and so much I've been wanting to write.  Just wanted to give an update to say where I am on this journey.  I hopefully will be posting more and more to help me through this - to understand what I'm going through, to work things through.

And yet I still feel guilty

So I'm sticking to my 'maximum alloted drinks' and even to the number of alcohol free days each week.  Sunday I didn't drink.  Monday I did.  I stuck to 8 drinks (ya I know that's a lot but still, heaps less then I had been drinking).  I woke up Tuesday feeling guitly.  Drank Tuesday night.  Woke up Wednesday feeling a bit self-righteous.  Today I woke at 4 and barely slept since.  My feelings today were a mixture of anger at others, self-loathing, feeling there is nothing for me in life, depressed, lonely and the rest. 

I seem to notice this pattern when I drink in successive days.  Like one day is ok.  Two is not.  Three is horrible.  By 4 I hate everyone in my life.  Or at least those closest to me.  I think about leaving it all. 

In the end I know I have to stop drinking.  If I don't, I will be on this ride for eternity.  But you know, I was so tired today and so upset that I was thinking the last thing I need to do is drink.  But then I was also thinking about how much I wanted to drink to forget it all.  We all know that doesn't happen.  I forget for a while but really all I'm doing is stewing in these 'juices'.  I stick to my 8 maximum but all the while I really want more. Life was easier when I quit for 2 months.  I was still miserable but at least my hatred wasn't inwardly directed. 

Life was so much easier when I was amongst university students, or a young single professional in Canada's capital.  But now I have people to answer to.  I'm not living alone.  I know what this is doing.  And it's not even so much what I'm doing to my family, because I try soooo hard to be good. It's what I'm left with at the end of the day when I'm alone. 

The thing is... I can't handle thinking about family parties in the future without alcohol.  I'll be missing out.

Well, maybe not.  The more this continues, the less I see that as a reason to quit drinking. 

Update time

Hi all,

Been a bit absent.  We went on holiday for a week so didn't post .. got back and just got busy with life.

Things have been going well for the most part.  Been a bit stressful with the move and not knowing what we're going to be doing but we've just realised selling the house right now would mean making a huge loss so we've decided to stay put for the time being.  HUGE stress off my shoulders.

As for the drinking, I've been seeing my alcohol counsellor.  Bit tough as she actually said I was addicted to alcohol and anyone who is should abstain.  That was a real shock to hear and I think part of me is still in disbelief even though I know I have a problem... if that makes sense.  Up til now everyone I have sought out has sort of laughed at me thinking I had a problem.  She left my goal up to me and for now I'm still trying to control my drinking.  I am doing this for a couple of reasons.  One is that I need to prove to myself that I can (or more likely can't) control my drinking.  That way if and when I do decide to abstain I will know for sure that I couldn't control it.. not like last time where I doubted if I had a problem.  The second is of course that I don't want to stop drinking.  Of course.

So it's been ok.  When I don't drink, I find it pretty easy peasy.  When I do drink I have been keeping to my set limit with my counsellor... except one night I overdid it drinking with family.  So right now my limit is still pretty high - one bottle of wine (yikes!) per session which is fairly easy to control because I only have a bottle of wine in the house at any given time so I can't continue.  Still, it's hard once I start.  But then the next day I realise that I'm still pretty hung over and feel quite crappy.  At least I don't have the guilt (as much) because i'm working towards a goal.

So that's where things stand at the moment.