Thursday 5 May 2016

I could just have a drink...

For the first time in a loooong time I have given some serious thought to having a drink.  This morning I was standing in the kitchen preparing our evening meal and I thought 'I could just go out.  I could just drive to the bottle shop and grab a bottle of red and no one would know'.  I quickly dismissed the thought.  But then it came back.  It came back along with the wish to just block everything out.  It came back with the old desires, the old cravings, the thought of how it would feel to let that first sip slide down my throat.  To drink until the bottle was done and then  it would be too late.  My husband would have to come home to get the kids from school, I'd be too blottoed to do anything so I could just peacefully drift away with another bottle.  I could cave for just one day and not be the totally responsible, take-care-of-everything person that I am and give in to that part of me that is drowning and just wants to forget.

And if I could do it and be guaranteed it was for one day, I probably would.  But I know it won't.  I know it would lead me directly back to that place I was nearly 4 years ago.  A place I definitely don't want to be.  The way I've been feeling lately in general was what lead me to that alcoholism.  I know where it would go.  But it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it just once.  Just for one day.  To forget the pain I'm in.  To let go of all of the responsibilities.  To be who I was before I had kids, before I had post-natal depression (which I have again), to be that young, carefree, crazy-fun, crazy-drunk girl I used to be.  She is so far from who I am now.

I'm sure there are other ways, other solutions.  But none seem as good to me right now.  None seem as immediate.  None seem as capable of blocking out the world.

The only thing stopping me right now is knowing how I'll feel in the morning, waking up and being hungover and having that awful guilt of knowing I'd come so far only to give in at a weak moment.

But I think - if I did get drunk then maybe someone would take notice.  Someone would see just how bad it really is.  How I can't do it all - work 40 hours a week, take care of 3 kids and a husband, clean the house, make the meals, do the shopping, stress about the flat tire on the car, the broken windows, the million jobs that need to be done around the house ... to not have enough money but somehow make it all work by having spreadsheets for bills and debts and how to get where we want to be with so little because I can't just go out and get a job... to know how terrified I am to jump back in to the corporate world but how much I hate making such little money at the current job I have when I work so hard.  To feel guilty that I can't work but at the same time knowing I have to work to make ends meet... and to be angry about it.  Maybe if I was passed out on the floor, someone would notice just how bad it is even though I plaster a smile on my face because I feel too guilty that I can't do all the things expected of me.  To see how I feel there is resentment towards me because I am not earning my keep.  Because we need money and surely I can just work to earn it?  Maybe if I was drunk and carefree I would get some attention, some love.  Maybe I could get drunk and pass out and for 12 hours straight and not be woken every 3 hours by a baby needing a feed.  Maybe if I got drunk all of my fears, concerns, anxieties, loneliness, guilt.. maybe it would all just disappear the further I got in to that bottle.  Sure I would feel like hell tomorrow, but would it be worth it for one night of peace?