I give up

So we still haven't found a house to buy and we also can't seem to find a house to rent... And now my husband and I are not talking because I lost the plot and yelled at him last night.  This is the last thing we need right now, and now I feel isolated and all alone in our house with the kids who are basically fighting all the time.  Just now I sat down and thought that I could, should just get a bottle of wine.  My usual thought of knowing where it will quickly lead (to me being drunk every day) is not enough of a deterrent which surprises me because it always has been.  So now I just think make it til 5pm and I'll walk out of the house as soon as my husband walks in.  I just need to make it to 5pm.  I used to say that but for wine.  But then I know that won't be a break, it'll just keep me trapped in the house anyway.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  I wish he knew the struggle I go through.  I wish he appreciated just how hard I work every day.  Not just on the house and raising the kids but on the sobriety.  It may look easy, but it's not.  And I'm doing awesome and it's unnoticed.

Waiting Waiting

So we're still (STILL!) in the process of this whole house-selling/ buying thing.  We've had our house on the market for what feels like forever, and we have sold.  We have made an offer on another house but there was already a conditional on it so they have 3 days to become unconditional.  Because everything was shut over Christmas, the 3 days started yesterday which means they have til the end of tomorrow to become unconditional or walk away.  This is the reader's digest version - the long story involves lots of frustration with the real estate agents who didn't bring our offer to the owners (long, long story).  We have been trying to make an offer since early December.  Anyway, I know it will be coming to a close tomorrow one way or another, but the stress is definitely getting to me.

Yesterday I went for a 3 hour walk with the kids, today we (thankfully) have a kid's bday party to go to.  I am trying to remain positive, and trying to think that I just want whatever is best for us to work out.. to rely on greater powers to have this conclude in the best way possible for our family... but it's really hard for me to just let go and not spend my day praying/ hoping/ willing things to turn out the way I want them to!  And during all this, I'm just emotionally exhausted.  Is that normal?  Like I am just so worn out.  I'm sure it doesn't help that we've just been on holiday and to quote Clare from Modern Family 'I'm a stay at home Mum, this isn't a holiday, it's a business trip'.  All Mum's know that holidaying with a 2 and 4 year old is just more work!  And now it's school holidays and my rugrats are insane so that keeps me busy.... but on top of that is the stress that we don't know where we'll be living on Feb 1st and we just really, really want this place.

Anyway, thought maybe typing would help a bit.  Not sure if I should hope for what I want, leave it to the universe or just sleep til the end of tomorrow (haha - I wish!!!).

My first sober Christmas

Well obviously it isn't my first ever sober Christmas - I mean I didn't drink when I was a kid... and not when I was pregnant... but this is my first sober Christmas since I started my drinking career where I myself have chosen not to drink and not just gotten drunk or had sobriety forced on me because of pregnancy ;)  And I have to say, it was faaaarking hard!  I really wasn't expecting it.  I mean mentally I knew it would be difficult because we went to Australia to stay with my in-laws and that was always a party place for me - a place where I could drink relatively guilt free because I was on 'holiday' and everyone was drinking with me (or not, but everyone thought I was a hard-working mum who deserved the break). 

I guess I spent most of my time preparing for my brother in law's 40th birthday party and how I would deal with that.. . but I wasn't prepared for the day to day going-ons of Christmas and holiday drinking.  I arrived to my husband's 20 year old neice telling her boyfriend how 'awesome' I was and how funny I am sober, but man I'm really hilarious when I'm drunk.... and then she continued on saying 'I heard you're not drinking, who am I going to do shots with?!  You are the best to drink with!".  And I had such a hard time with this.  I really felt like I was facing my demons head on.  I suppose I was.  I was really unsure how I was going to deal with it all.  I wanted to blog for support/ to get things off my chest but couldn't due to computer issues there.  I just had to deal with it.  I talked to my hubby about it a bit.  I mean the thing is, I drank a lot because I loved it.  I didn't hate it.  And I knew I was heaps of fun ... and now I'm just not going to be that crazy funny hilarious do anything girl. 

BUT looking at it now, I think way more clearly about it.  I mean why do I want to be a party animal to a 20 year old?  I'm 40 now.  That's actually a bit embarrasing.  And that's part of why I quit drinking.  Oh well, no more having to listen to droning on drunk people talk about stuff I don't give a rat's ass about just so I can bum smokes from them ... smokes that I will feel sooo guilty for having when I wake the next day.  So I made it through that night.

I also made it through the bday party.  BIL (brother-in-law) had a family bbq during the day which was nice so I could be a part of something.  By this point I had started talking about my not drinking.  It was still super hard being there because everyone was drinking and I felt like a boring old person.  But then I left, and as soon as I left the pressure on my chest left as well.  I drove around the area with my kids and stopped at McDonald's on the way home.  It was actually really great, me and my 2 boys sitting there having a little treat and me just laughing at them being cute.  I realised I would've missed out on this if I was drinking.  And I wouldn't have even known that I was missing out on this because I would've been too focussed on getting drunk!

So I made it through the holiday and woke up every day feeling great - even if I was tired.  I never had a hang over, I never stayed up too late, I read my book on my new e-reader (bday gift from my hubbie - LOVE!!! it) and I did heaps HEAPS of fabric shopping and clothes shopping ... and still spent far less than I would've drinking.  And now I'm back home in the safety of my house and my little life that makes not drinking much easier.