Today is the type of day that makes me want to give up and have a drink. I'm pretty upset with my current situation in life - suffice to say my husband's last day at work is this Friday and we have no means of income after that. I feel like I'm tired of always cleaning up the messes, of fixing everything up.
I feel like I have done so much in the past 4 years. I have been staying home raising our two boys and have struggled a lot with that. I had post natal depression - well still do I suppose. And there were days when I wish I'd die... not that I'd actually do anything to myself, but if say a tree fell on me, at that point, I'd have been ok with that. Through counselling and medication and lots of self-work, I have built myself back up. I feel - some days - like the person I used to be.. look forward to life and get joy at points.
I have also been building up my business, working to create new things and also trying to market my business and products.
I have made a new friend with common interests and she doesn't drink which is even better.
I have taken parenting courses to both improve my skills as a parent and gain confidence in my parenting.
I have tried to implement budgets. I eat out less, I make more food from scratch. I am adding personal touches to our home.
This is what I wished for - what I have been working towards and you know, I'm happy.
I am working on my drinking, 7th day sober today and I know this is the next thing I'm meant to be working on, but I am happy and I feel like life is going pretty smoothly.
But my husband is miserable. He hates his stressful job and can't do it anymore. I get that, I really do. But the thing I don't get is that he quit with nothing else lined up. And he wanted to move AGAIN. So I said in the heat of the moment an din panic that if we didn't move, I'd work. But I don't want to work. I've done all the hard yards and I want to reap the benefits of all the labour I've put in over the last 4 years. Things were finally going smoothly and all was well and now I'm expected to go to work to support the family??
We have no savings, heaps of expenses and no one is doing anything about planning for what we are going to do next week when we have no job. I tried to talk to my husband to make a plan but all he said was 'we have to find work'. He's not filed a tax return in years - we could be getting money back from that. We could be doing heaps of other things in the interim.. but all he thinks is we have to get work. Like it's that easy - and that fast.
And then last night he's looking at houses that are on the market. He always seems to look for the quick fixes. Like selling our house at a loss and buying another will solve our problems. Or moving to a different city.
I feel like he's really put us in a bind but I felt I couldn't say anything because he's miserable and I don't want him to be miserable.
And now I am the one who has to go through all the finances agian, cancel all the extras etc etc. And it's such bad timing because I am trying to get ready for two huge craft markets in the next two weeks and I had commited to these long before my husband resigned.
I just feel like it's always me fixing things. I am so angry. And it's only 1:15 and I want to drink. I usually start drinking at 3pm so that I can escape from this. It's all just built up today and I'm not sure what to do or how to get through this.
Monday 20 August 2012
Sunday 19 August 2012
The difference with this time
Last year I gave up alcohol for 2 months from October to December. This time around things are different. I keep thinking about what I thought then and what I feel now and want to get it out.
Last time I thought I'd give up alcohol and automatically everything will be better. I would feel better, feel rested, lose weight, be happy. When I woke up feeling like crap I would think to myself 'well I feel like crap anyway, I may as well drink if I'm going to feel like this!' This time I realise that I'm actually going through withdrawl. I feel like crap because my body is working extra hard to get rid of its dependancy on alcohol. I feel like crap because my body is recovering from being used to having alcohol in my body on a daily basis and it is fighting this need along with trying to repair itself.
Last time I thought I'd lose weight right away. This time I'm not worrying about that right now. I am treating myself to other things, eating what I want and what my body wants and then once I'm through this initial withdrawl and I start to feel better I will work on my weight.
Last time I thought that I would have all this free time in the evenings because I'm not drinking. This time I realise that I am just really tired as I work through the withdrawls both physically and mentally and I just go to bed when I am tired.
Last time I looked at the big picture - wanted all these changes N-O-W and expected them asap. I overlooked all the little things that were happening. This time I am paying attention to those little things. Things like I just look at my kids and see how cute they are and how nice they are and how much I was missing. I think about how I'm not stressed out first thing in the morning trying to get breakfast ready and fighting the blurry hangover state I was in. This time I notice that I have a few spare minutes during the day to sit at my sewing machine and do a few stitches. This time I enjoy being able to look my husband in the eye (not avoid eye contact because I'm too embarrased and ashamed) and have a silly laugh about something totally dumb that we find funny. This time I am giving myself a break for being grumpy and I don't expect myself to be all happy and roses... I realise this is a tough time and it's ok to be miserable sometimes. I don't have to be happy and perfect just cuz I'm not drinking.
It's still a struggle. Especially when 3 pm hits and that's the time I usually start drinking. Today will be a test because my husband won't be home til 5:30. I might have to go pick him up from work to keep the gremlins away. So it's not super easy and there are still times when I want to drink. And I don't ever think about how I'm 'never going to drink again'. But this time I realise there is a lot more going on inside of me and I have to have patience. I just keep thinking that I'm not losing weight right now just because I've stopped drinking and my business isn't an overnight success and my husband and I aren't holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes all madly in love.. none of this has automatically happened... but I keep thinking that there is no way that any of that would happen while I was drinking the way I was. At least now I have a chance for all of this to happen in the future. And I have faith that it will.
Last time I thought I'd give up alcohol and automatically everything will be better. I would feel better, feel rested, lose weight, be happy. When I woke up feeling like crap I would think to myself 'well I feel like crap anyway, I may as well drink if I'm going to feel like this!' This time I realise that I'm actually going through withdrawl. I feel like crap because my body is working extra hard to get rid of its dependancy on alcohol. I feel like crap because my body is recovering from being used to having alcohol in my body on a daily basis and it is fighting this need along with trying to repair itself.
Last time I thought I'd lose weight right away. This time I'm not worrying about that right now. I am treating myself to other things, eating what I want and what my body wants and then once I'm through this initial withdrawl and I start to feel better I will work on my weight.
Last time I thought that I would have all this free time in the evenings because I'm not drinking. This time I realise that I am just really tired as I work through the withdrawls both physically and mentally and I just go to bed when I am tired.
Last time I looked at the big picture - wanted all these changes N-O-W and expected them asap. I overlooked all the little things that were happening. This time I am paying attention to those little things. Things like I just look at my kids and see how cute they are and how nice they are and how much I was missing. I think about how I'm not stressed out first thing in the morning trying to get breakfast ready and fighting the blurry hangover state I was in. This time I notice that I have a few spare minutes during the day to sit at my sewing machine and do a few stitches. This time I enjoy being able to look my husband in the eye (not avoid eye contact because I'm too embarrased and ashamed) and have a silly laugh about something totally dumb that we find funny. This time I am giving myself a break for being grumpy and I don't expect myself to be all happy and roses... I realise this is a tough time and it's ok to be miserable sometimes. I don't have to be happy and perfect just cuz I'm not drinking.
It's still a struggle. Especially when 3 pm hits and that's the time I usually start drinking. Today will be a test because my husband won't be home til 5:30. I might have to go pick him up from work to keep the gremlins away. So it's not super easy and there are still times when I want to drink. And I don't ever think about how I'm 'never going to drink again'. But this time I realise there is a lot more going on inside of me and I have to have patience. I just keep thinking that I'm not losing weight right now just because I've stopped drinking and my business isn't an overnight success and my husband and I aren't holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes all madly in love.. none of this has automatically happened... but I keep thinking that there is no way that any of that would happen while I was drinking the way I was. At least now I have a chance for all of this to happen in the future. And I have faith that it will.
Day 6
Well here I am again, and this time I've partly ended up here by accident.
I've been seeing my Alcohol Counsellor (AC) and this is my 3rd one and she really suits me. She is very logical, full of information and comes at it (at least with me) with an intellectual perspective. What I mean is she explains heaps to me like the actual physical effects of alcohol on, say, my liver. And she explains how giving up alcohol will bring me through the 5 stages of grief. And she explained where I am on the spectrum of alcohol consumers.... from non-drinker on the far left to alcohol dependent on the far right. I am alcohol dependent but she says within that range I am on the far left of the spectrum in that I still have control. And she says it's important that I do because I don't want to step over that line.
And then she put the labelling alcohol chart away and we won't talk about it again. She doesn't use the word alcoholic and says it's old fashioned and out dated. I am happy with all these things. I also think it's good that a professional has finally told me I have a problem. I still sometimes think I don't (denial I suppose) but I know I do.
And then we worked on a plan to get to abstinence which would take 4 weeks of reducing my alcohol intake in conjuction with growing the number of alcohol free days in a row. We're doing it this way just so we can avoid any potentially harmful withdrawls. Apparently I was at risk of having siezures, a stroke etc. Man that was a real eye opener... to realise my body has become that dependant on alcohol that I actually risk such harmful withdrawl symptoms!
So I'm on week 2. Week 1 was drink no more than 1 bottle of wine per session and 2 alcohol free days in a row. I didn't think I did well but she thought I did. Week 2 is 2 alcohol free days in a row plus one other alcohol free day and then keep to 1/2 a bottle of wine per session. I was a bit worried about how I would open a bottle of wine and not finish but but lo-and-behold I caught the flu. I got super sick on Thursday which was the 2nd day of week two (my appointments are on Wednesday and therefore that is the 'start' of my alcohol week). I am still sick today. I have been suffering withdrawl symptoms and yesterday was pretty bad but because I have the flu, I can't possibly drink. I did think about it yesterday just to allieviate the withdrawl symptoms but I knew this would only delay the inevitable and next week I'd just have to go through them again. I guess I'm just ripping the bandage off quickly this time.
I have so much to say, and so much I've been wanting to write. Just wanted to give an update to say where I am on this journey. I hopefully will be posting more and more to help me through this - to understand what I'm going through, to work things through.
I've been seeing my Alcohol Counsellor (AC) and this is my 3rd one and she really suits me. She is very logical, full of information and comes at it (at least with me) with an intellectual perspective. What I mean is she explains heaps to me like the actual physical effects of alcohol on, say, my liver. And she explains how giving up alcohol will bring me through the 5 stages of grief. And she explained where I am on the spectrum of alcohol consumers.... from non-drinker on the far left to alcohol dependent on the far right. I am alcohol dependent but she says within that range I am on the far left of the spectrum in that I still have control. And she says it's important that I do because I don't want to step over that line.
And then she put the labelling alcohol chart away and we won't talk about it again. She doesn't use the word alcoholic and says it's old fashioned and out dated. I am happy with all these things. I also think it's good that a professional has finally told me I have a problem. I still sometimes think I don't (denial I suppose) but I know I do.
And then we worked on a plan to get to abstinence which would take 4 weeks of reducing my alcohol intake in conjuction with growing the number of alcohol free days in a row. We're doing it this way just so we can avoid any potentially harmful withdrawls. Apparently I was at risk of having siezures, a stroke etc. Man that was a real eye opener... to realise my body has become that dependant on alcohol that I actually risk such harmful withdrawl symptoms!
So I'm on week 2. Week 1 was drink no more than 1 bottle of wine per session and 2 alcohol free days in a row. I didn't think I did well but she thought I did. Week 2 is 2 alcohol free days in a row plus one other alcohol free day and then keep to 1/2 a bottle of wine per session. I was a bit worried about how I would open a bottle of wine and not finish but but lo-and-behold I caught the flu. I got super sick on Thursday which was the 2nd day of week two (my appointments are on Wednesday and therefore that is the 'start' of my alcohol week). I am still sick today. I have been suffering withdrawl symptoms and yesterday was pretty bad but because I have the flu, I can't possibly drink. I did think about it yesterday just to allieviate the withdrawl symptoms but I knew this would only delay the inevitable and next week I'd just have to go through them again. I guess I'm just ripping the bandage off quickly this time.
I have so much to say, and so much I've been wanting to write. Just wanted to give an update to say where I am on this journey. I hopefully will be posting more and more to help me through this - to understand what I'm going through, to work things through.
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