Thursday 26 July 2012

And yet I still feel guilty

So I'm sticking to my 'maximum alloted drinks' and even to the number of alcohol free days each week.  Sunday I didn't drink.  Monday I did.  I stuck to 8 drinks (ya I know that's a lot but still, heaps less then I had been drinking).  I woke up Tuesday feeling guitly.  Drank Tuesday night.  Woke up Wednesday feeling a bit self-righteous.  Today I woke at 4 and barely slept since.  My feelings today were a mixture of anger at others, self-loathing, feeling there is nothing for me in life, depressed, lonely and the rest. 

I seem to notice this pattern when I drink in successive days.  Like one day is ok.  Two is not.  Three is horrible.  By 4 I hate everyone in my life.  Or at least those closest to me.  I think about leaving it all. 

In the end I know I have to stop drinking.  If I don't, I will be on this ride for eternity.  But you know, I was so tired today and so upset that I was thinking the last thing I need to do is drink.  But then I was also thinking about how much I wanted to drink to forget it all.  We all know that doesn't happen.  I forget for a while but really all I'm doing is stewing in these 'juices'.  I stick to my 8 maximum but all the while I really want more. Life was easier when I quit for 2 months.  I was still miserable but at least my hatred wasn't inwardly directed. 

Life was so much easier when I was amongst university students, or a young single professional in Canada's capital.  But now I have people to answer to.  I'm not living alone.  I know what this is doing.  And it's not even so much what I'm doing to my family, because I try soooo hard to be good. It's what I'm left with at the end of the day when I'm alone. 

The thing is... I can't handle thinking about family parties in the future without alcohol.  I'll be missing out.

Well, maybe not.  The more this continues, the less I see that as a reason to quit drinking. 

Monday 23 July 2012

Update time

Hi all,

Been a bit absent.  We went on holiday for a week so didn't post .. got back and just got busy with life.

Things have been going well for the most part.  Been a bit stressful with the move and not knowing what we're going to be doing but we've just realised selling the house right now would mean making a huge loss so we've decided to stay put for the time being.  HUGE stress off my shoulders.

As for the drinking, I've been seeing my alcohol counsellor.  Bit tough as she actually said I was addicted to alcohol and anyone who is should abstain.  That was a real shock to hear and I think part of me is still in disbelief even though I know I have a problem... if that makes sense.  Up til now everyone I have sought out has sort of laughed at me thinking I had a problem.  She left my goal up to me and for now I'm still trying to control my drinking.  I am doing this for a couple of reasons.  One is that I need to prove to myself that I can (or more likely can't) control my drinking.  That way if and when I do decide to abstain I will know for sure that I couldn't control it.. not like last time where I doubted if I had a problem.  The second is of course that I don't want to stop drinking.  Of course.

So it's been ok.  When I don't drink, I find it pretty easy peasy.  When I do drink I have been keeping to my set limit with my counsellor... except one night I overdid it drinking with family.  So right now my limit is still pretty high - one bottle of wine (yikes!) per session which is fairly easy to control because I only have a bottle of wine in the house at any given time so I can't continue.  Still, it's hard once I start.  But then the next day I realise that I'm still pretty hung over and feel quite crappy.  At least I don't have the guilt (as much) because i'm working towards a goal.

So that's where things stand at the moment.