Well I haven't written because - you guessed it - I've been drinking. We've had family visiting for the past week and a bit and of course I've used it as an excuse to break my 'no drinking during the week rule'. And it all came to the final epic drink I had at a wedding this past weekend. No, I didn't do anything stupid, I was fine. But I woke yesterday (Sunday) just feeling like total crap. I was physically ill for most of the early hours of the morning. Thankfully the kids stayed overnight at a friend's so I could recover. But worse than the physical pain was the emotional pain. And not just the beating myself up.. but also the feeling of just being so down.
And I still feel that way today. I know a couple of weeks ago I wrote that I thought drinking on the weekend was part of the reason for my monday morning blues... but wondered if it was also because I was on my own on Mondays.. but I don't feel that way when I'm on my own on Wednesdays. But also - today I still have company here and I still feel so lonely and down and have a hollow, empty feeling in my chest. I often felt this way throughout my drinking 'career' .... just so yuck the next day. Course this lessened during those times that I decided not to stop drinking just because it was a weekday.
The more I carry on with this drinking, the more clear it becomes to me. I can't just keep drinking on the weekends. For one, it just keeps the door open to having 'just one' drink during the week (which inevitably will become more) and also because feeling this way is just so horrible.
But then why do I still feel like on Friday night I'll want to have a drink? What is it that I am getting out of it? Or is it just a habit? Very down. Just want this to stop :(
Sunday 25 March 2012
Monday 12 March 2012
It's all in the way we think
This is something I have been hearing about since my mid-twenties. It's not so much the situation that we are in, it's how we interpret it that makes the difference. The book The Secret calls it the Law of Attraction - that what we put out in the universe comes back to us. Louise Hay talks about vibrations and energy and what we put out in the universe we get back. I really want to buy in to all this, but at the very least, I believe that what we focus on - what I focus on - is what I pay attention to more so that's what I experience more of .. if that makes sense.
For example. Losing weight.. still focussing on the weight. And of course - stop drinking... still really focusing on the 'drinking'. Instead think of being thin or living a sober, brilliant life!
I try really hard to retrain my brain but I find that since I had kids, and since the depression, I am stuck a lot in my brain. Well that's probably not entirely true. I think this has always been the way I am but now that I'm not rushing off to work and 'busy' all day I just have more time to think about things. More time to realise things. More time to see how my thoughts are shaping my world.
I know that today, when I have both kids home and no money in the bank and no glass of wine at the end of the tunnel, I start thinking 'this is going to be a long day'. That is going to make it a long day.
The problem for me is how do I change the way I think? Is it small steps? A major overhaul? It seems overwhelming. But it's something I want to work on because I can only imagine how wonderful my life would be if my first thougths in the morning are 'how great it is to be alive! I am ready to start this day!'
For example. Losing weight.. still focussing on the weight. And of course - stop drinking... still really focusing on the 'drinking'. Instead think of being thin or living a sober, brilliant life!
I try really hard to retrain my brain but I find that since I had kids, and since the depression, I am stuck a lot in my brain. Well that's probably not entirely true. I think this has always been the way I am but now that I'm not rushing off to work and 'busy' all day I just have more time to think about things. More time to realise things. More time to see how my thoughts are shaping my world.
I know that today, when I have both kids home and no money in the bank and no glass of wine at the end of the tunnel, I start thinking 'this is going to be a long day'. That is going to make it a long day.
The problem for me is how do I change the way I think? Is it small steps? A major overhaul? It seems overwhelming. But it's something I want to work on because I can only imagine how wonderful my life would be if my first thougths in the morning are 'how great it is to be alive! I am ready to start this day!'
Sunday 11 March 2012
An Update on my Drinking
Ok so I've said that I have still been drinking but keeping it to the weekends only and I've also said that I'm ok with this. I'm starting to think I'm not actually ok with this.
I woke up today feeling down. I know it's the day my kids go to care/ kindy so I have the day to myself. Not sure why I feel down - I start thinking maybe it's because I'm working on my business today and I'm scared that it won't be successful or that I'm selfish for spending the day doing that or that maybe it's because I don't want to be stuck in a room all alone sewing all day. Not really sure why I feel this way, I carry on with my morning (because I have to! I have two young kids haha).
So I am driving back home after dropping them off feeling really low. I've seen a friend this morning and she's so thin and trim and I'm reminded of how much weight I've put on while overseas... but it motivates me to hop on the crosstrainer. I picked up my book 'The Easyway to Control Your Drinking' by Allen Carr (yes, still haven't finished it - man it's taking me a long time but you know why - because I fear once I finish it I will indeed have to quit). As I pick up the book, it dawns on me that it's entirely possible that I am feeling low because I drank all weekend. And I don't really mean feeling low because I am disappointed in myself (because that is true too). I mean just feeling low because of the physical effects of the alcohol. It is a depressant. So is it possible that I am feeling down because I've been taking a depressant all weekend? I'm seriously asking you this - yes you - anyone reading this - please share your thoughts! I'm feeling all alone out here.....
And yes, I do feel ... something... that I've been drinking. I know I've been saying I'm all good with it, but that is probably just wishful thinking. I ended up drinking a bottle and a half of wine on Friday night where I had been sticking to just one bottle (haha - even reading that is insane! 'just' one bottle. Ya that's a lot of alcohol people!). Then the other half on Saturday night with a few beers til we ran out. Then a glass of wine yesterday at a function I was at.
I mean clearly the increase in the amount I'm drinking is evidence that I am never going to be free of this by trying to control it. The amount will always increase. I felt sooooo sick on Saturday because I'm not used to drinking that much - but still drank Saturday night. So clearly my problem hasn't changed, it's just been contained to two nights (and perhaps part of Sunday).
But I still maintain that I do not want to be sitting around a table in 20 years, 3 nights a week, talking about how I'm one drink away from annihilation. That's the thing Mr. Carr speaks about.. and I believe he is right. It's not the quitting that is the hard part, it's the fear of feeling deprived for the rest of our lives. If I have to chose between drinking and feeling awful about it or being sober and feeling awful about it... well I know who's going to win out in that war. I KNOW there is a way to quit and not feel like I've quit. I feel like I'm on the cusp of it.
But I need to be truthful again. I've been trying to focus on other things - healthy lifestyle (I need to update my 30 days because I have been doing it!!), working on my business etc etc.. but I'm trying to by-pass the alcohol thing. I think today I realise that is not going to happen. I'm feeling guilty, low, sad and alone. Boo hoo!! Time to move on to something else before I cry in my coffee :)
I woke up today feeling down. I know it's the day my kids go to care/ kindy so I have the day to myself. Not sure why I feel down - I start thinking maybe it's because I'm working on my business today and I'm scared that it won't be successful or that I'm selfish for spending the day doing that or that maybe it's because I don't want to be stuck in a room all alone sewing all day. Not really sure why I feel this way, I carry on with my morning (because I have to! I have two young kids haha).
So I am driving back home after dropping them off feeling really low. I've seen a friend this morning and she's so thin and trim and I'm reminded of how much weight I've put on while overseas... but it motivates me to hop on the crosstrainer. I picked up my book 'The Easyway to Control Your Drinking' by Allen Carr (yes, still haven't finished it - man it's taking me a long time but you know why - because I fear once I finish it I will indeed have to quit). As I pick up the book, it dawns on me that it's entirely possible that I am feeling low because I drank all weekend. And I don't really mean feeling low because I am disappointed in myself (because that is true too). I mean just feeling low because of the physical effects of the alcohol. It is a depressant. So is it possible that I am feeling down because I've been taking a depressant all weekend? I'm seriously asking you this - yes you - anyone reading this - please share your thoughts! I'm feeling all alone out here.....
And yes, I do feel ... something... that I've been drinking. I know I've been saying I'm all good with it, but that is probably just wishful thinking. I ended up drinking a bottle and a half of wine on Friday night where I had been sticking to just one bottle (haha - even reading that is insane! 'just' one bottle. Ya that's a lot of alcohol people!). Then the other half on Saturday night with a few beers til we ran out. Then a glass of wine yesterday at a function I was at.
I mean clearly the increase in the amount I'm drinking is evidence that I am never going to be free of this by trying to control it. The amount will always increase. I felt sooooo sick on Saturday because I'm not used to drinking that much - but still drank Saturday night. So clearly my problem hasn't changed, it's just been contained to two nights (and perhaps part of Sunday).
But I still maintain that I do not want to be sitting around a table in 20 years, 3 nights a week, talking about how I'm one drink away from annihilation. That's the thing Mr. Carr speaks about.. and I believe he is right. It's not the quitting that is the hard part, it's the fear of feeling deprived for the rest of our lives. If I have to chose between drinking and feeling awful about it or being sober and feeling awful about it... well I know who's going to win out in that war. I KNOW there is a way to quit and not feel like I've quit. I feel like I'm on the cusp of it.
But I need to be truthful again. I've been trying to focus on other things - healthy lifestyle (I need to update my 30 days because I have been doing it!!), working on my business etc etc.. but I'm trying to by-pass the alcohol thing. I think today I realise that is not going to happen. I'm feeling guilty, low, sad and alone. Boo hoo!! Time to move on to something else before I cry in my coffee :)
Thursday 8 March 2012
When the kids rule the roost
I keep thinking this blog is no longer about alcohol but it dawned on me today that because I'm no longer using alcohol as a coping mechanism - this is the reason all these other things are coming to light! Like usually, kids bugging me, drink.. spouse annoyed me... drink.... stressed trying to cook dinner... drink... sunny day ... well you get the picture!
But now I'm faced with all these things - life's challenges - and I have to actually deal with them.
So I've had it with the kids ruling my world. And like I know, kids come first and they always have. But I soooo accommodate them with every.. little... thing....and I mean everything. I have this thing in my that my kids must not be upset. Or wanting. Or lacking. Or anything really. So when J-bird wants to watch a tv show - great. But then he wants to watch something different so I change it. Then he wants a different part of the show. So I change it. Ad nauseum.
I don't know how I didn't see this before. OF COURSE it is going to do my head in. Like running around like a headless chicken trying to satisfy children who don't even have a clue what they want?! But I don't want them raised like I was so I try to give them everything they need.
No more. In the end I just end up snapping. Like how can I not? I am a patient person and I can last for ages, but when I know it's an endless cycle of this, of course I can't take it. I don't think anyone can. And this is probably the second biggest reason why I want to work (the first being money money money monnnneeeey!). I just want to/ need to get away.
But now I want to work on my own business. And my husband is tired of hearing me complain about how hard it is at home - he wants me to do something. Like make a change. Like go to work. So here I am, on my own, trying to deal with it. I don't want to be away from my kids 5 days a week. But I don't want to continue like this.
So today I figured it out. I need stronger boundaries. And not the kind where I put a rule in place and then I feel like I'm being 'mean' to the kids so I hug them and apologise and give in to something else. I mean rules. Strong rules. Fair rules, but strong none-the-less. So here I am, making the rules. The kids were throwing food around at dinner so I turned the tvs off and made them pick it all up. Then the tv didn't go back on. They had to play and be good.
Ok all this probably sounds pretty straightforward and obvious but for me it hasn't been. Between my PND, my upbringing of being hit and basically ignored, and not knowing what to do instead I have been running around trying to make EVERYONE else happy and making myself insane in the process.
Small steps, but today I actually did something to take control. I'm sure for my kids this is out of the norm but it will soon become the norm. I need to sit down and think of the rules I want in my house and a way I can deal with them.
Speaking of which.. must go deal with them now!
But now I'm faced with all these things - life's challenges - and I have to actually deal with them.
So I've had it with the kids ruling my world. And like I know, kids come first and they always have. But I soooo accommodate them with every.. little... thing....and I mean everything. I have this thing in my that my kids must not be upset. Or wanting. Or lacking. Or anything really. So when J-bird wants to watch a tv show - great. But then he wants to watch something different so I change it. Then he wants a different part of the show. So I change it. Ad nauseum.
I don't know how I didn't see this before. OF COURSE it is going to do my head in. Like running around like a headless chicken trying to satisfy children who don't even have a clue what they want?! But I don't want them raised like I was so I try to give them everything they need.
No more. In the end I just end up snapping. Like how can I not? I am a patient person and I can last for ages, but when I know it's an endless cycle of this, of course I can't take it. I don't think anyone can. And this is probably the second biggest reason why I want to work (the first being money money money monnnneeeey!). I just want to/ need to get away.
But now I want to work on my own business. And my husband is tired of hearing me complain about how hard it is at home - he wants me to do something. Like make a change. Like go to work. So here I am, on my own, trying to deal with it. I don't want to be away from my kids 5 days a week. But I don't want to continue like this.
So today I figured it out. I need stronger boundaries. And not the kind where I put a rule in place and then I feel like I'm being 'mean' to the kids so I hug them and apologise and give in to something else. I mean rules. Strong rules. Fair rules, but strong none-the-less. So here I am, making the rules. The kids were throwing food around at dinner so I turned the tvs off and made them pick it all up. Then the tv didn't go back on. They had to play and be good.
Ok all this probably sounds pretty straightforward and obvious but for me it hasn't been. Between my PND, my upbringing of being hit and basically ignored, and not knowing what to do instead I have been running around trying to make EVERYONE else happy and making myself insane in the process.
Small steps, but today I actually did something to take control. I'm sure for my kids this is out of the norm but it will soon become the norm. I need to sit down and think of the rules I want in my house and a way I can deal with them.
Speaking of which.. must go deal with them now!
Wednesday 7 March 2012
I'm a bit annoyed
Ok I don't know if this is the proper forum, but I need to get something off my chest. I am a bit annoyed with how involved everyone seems to be in my life at the moment. For some reason, everyone feels like they have a say in what I do. I currently have tester paint on my walls as I'm trying to decide what colours to paint... everyone that walks in sees it as an opening to discuss their opinion. Which is fine, ok offer advice and tell me what you like... but don't tell me what I 'have' to do... I don't care if houses sell better when they are in neutral colours - we're not planning on selling! I even had one friend come in and say 'well I'm the wrong person to ask because I like grey'. Oh right - did I ask you??
And it's not just the paint. My working friends tell me how I must work because they know me and that would be the best thing for me. My friends who work part time tell me that part time is the best because it's the best of both worlds. My stay at home mum friends tell me that I need time for myself and that working will just make me have 2 full time jobs (work and taking care of the house/ kids).
I'm also told how I have to garden, how I have to relax.... and everyone is coming at me like they are the experts on everything.
I have opinions too. No one seems to want to know how I feel about things, about what I want to do. When I start to say what I want, I'm told 'No, mate, you don't want that, you gotta do this...'
And frankly, it's making me really, really angry! I've been angry all week. I feel like just closing the outside world out and curling up and not talking to anyone but my husband and kids. I have no idea why this is going on. Is this all part of the not drinking thing? Is it because I'm not stuffing down my feelings? Or is it just part of coming off an addiction... or what?? All I know is that I am massively annoyed at people and it is exhausting. I've been sooooo tired all week. No idea what's going on.
I have hesitated to blog about this because I think focussing on something is just attracting more of it in to my life... but then I can't stop thinking about it so I'm focussing all my energy on it anyway. I wonder if I can just put it out there to get it off my chest and then maybe it will be lifted from me. I just can't even seem to relax this week. Not sure what it's all about.. if it's normal or what. But I'm not loving it! I don't like having anger. I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud of angriness - like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of my ears. I want this gone!!
And it's not just the paint. My working friends tell me how I must work because they know me and that would be the best thing for me. My friends who work part time tell me that part time is the best because it's the best of both worlds. My stay at home mum friends tell me that I need time for myself and that working will just make me have 2 full time jobs (work and taking care of the house/ kids).
I'm also told how I have to garden, how I have to relax.... and everyone is coming at me like they are the experts on everything.
I have opinions too. No one seems to want to know how I feel about things, about what I want to do. When I start to say what I want, I'm told 'No, mate, you don't want that, you gotta do this...'
And frankly, it's making me really, really angry! I've been angry all week. I feel like just closing the outside world out and curling up and not talking to anyone but my husband and kids. I have no idea why this is going on. Is this all part of the not drinking thing? Is it because I'm not stuffing down my feelings? Or is it just part of coming off an addiction... or what?? All I know is that I am massively annoyed at people and it is exhausting. I've been sooooo tired all week. No idea what's going on.
I have hesitated to blog about this because I think focussing on something is just attracting more of it in to my life... but then I can't stop thinking about it so I'm focussing all my energy on it anyway. I wonder if I can just put it out there to get it off my chest and then maybe it will be lifted from me. I just can't even seem to relax this week. Not sure what it's all about.. if it's normal or what. But I'm not loving it! I don't like having anger. I feel like I'm walking around in a cloud of angriness - like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of my ears. I want this gone!!
Tuesday 6 March 2012
About Me
I realise that I haven't really talked much about who I am and I figure it's time. Rosie is not my real name, and neither are the names of my kids etc. I feel some need to remain annonymous because it allows me an honesty I wouldn't otherwise have. So here goes - a bit about me....
I'm 39 years old, originally from Canada but currently living in New Zealand with my husband and two boys. I lived in Scotland for 4 years and that's where I met my man... we got engaged and decided to head for NZ but stopped in Australia on our way and lived there for 2 years. During that time we got married, had our first son (J-bird) and got pregnant with our second (Nicky) and decided it was time to settle down. We moved to NZ when I was very pregnant, sold the house my husband already owned here, bought a new one and have stayed put since!
Pretty much since I fell pregnant with J-bird I suffered from Postnatal Depression (as it is called here in NZ, but it's called Postpartum Depression in Canada... I'll refer to it as PND/ PPD). Moving countries, knowing noone, having no support network and being undiagnosed for ages caused us years of grief. And a lot of drinking on my part. I didn't drink during either of my pregnancies, but spent a lot of time 'self medicating' on alcohol outside of my pregnancies. But my alcohol abuse goes back further than that - I have used alcohol to deal with the pressures of life, to celebrate happy events, to drown my sorrows pretty much since I was a teanager. I think not being able to drink during my pregnancies caused me a lot of grief because I really felt like I was going without - being deprived of my constant companion.
Now I'm doing much better. After being on anti-depressants for a year, I am finally off them and able to take better care of myself. I am trying to get healthy and fit - both physically and mentally. I have cut down on my drinking, not quitting quite yet. I leave it to the weekends and for the most part I am ok with my still drinking. I don't miss it during the week and never think of having it on weekdays anymore. For this reason, I am in a much better place all around.
Because my alcohol is 'under control' I realise I have many other issues that haven't been addressed. I will talk a lot about my alcohol on this blog, but also I am starting to talk more about some of the other issues I face. I am working through things to live a better life. I think we all have things we'd like to change. Alcohol is just one of them for me. I know most people have been reading this because of my many posts about alcohol and me - but I hope you will continue to join me on my journey as I branch out and discuss other things, working through them to live the best life I possibly can.
Thanks forn reading :)
I'm 39 years old, originally from Canada but currently living in New Zealand with my husband and two boys. I lived in Scotland for 4 years and that's where I met my man... we got engaged and decided to head for NZ but stopped in Australia on our way and lived there for 2 years. During that time we got married, had our first son (J-bird) and got pregnant with our second (Nicky) and decided it was time to settle down. We moved to NZ when I was very pregnant, sold the house my husband already owned here, bought a new one and have stayed put since!
Pretty much since I fell pregnant with J-bird I suffered from Postnatal Depression (as it is called here in NZ, but it's called Postpartum Depression in Canada... I'll refer to it as PND/ PPD). Moving countries, knowing noone, having no support network and being undiagnosed for ages caused us years of grief. And a lot of drinking on my part. I didn't drink during either of my pregnancies, but spent a lot of time 'self medicating' on alcohol outside of my pregnancies. But my alcohol abuse goes back further than that - I have used alcohol to deal with the pressures of life, to celebrate happy events, to drown my sorrows pretty much since I was a teanager. I think not being able to drink during my pregnancies caused me a lot of grief because I really felt like I was going without - being deprived of my constant companion.
Now I'm doing much better. After being on anti-depressants for a year, I am finally off them and able to take better care of myself. I am trying to get healthy and fit - both physically and mentally. I have cut down on my drinking, not quitting quite yet. I leave it to the weekends and for the most part I am ok with my still drinking. I don't miss it during the week and never think of having it on weekdays anymore. For this reason, I am in a much better place all around.
Because my alcohol is 'under control' I realise I have many other issues that haven't been addressed. I will talk a lot about my alcohol on this blog, but also I am starting to talk more about some of the other issues I face. I am working through things to live a better life. I think we all have things we'd like to change. Alcohol is just one of them for me. I know most people have been reading this because of my many posts about alcohol and me - but I hope you will continue to join me on my journey as I branch out and discuss other things, working through them to live the best life I possibly can.
Thanks forn reading :)
Stress, stress and more stress
This morning I woke up a bit tired and groggy but otherwise ok (no hangover!!). But by the time I had made the kids their milo and made my eldest son's breakfast, I realised I was really stressed. This used to happen to me a lot when I had postnatal depression and I learned not to do too much in the morings because that was a major cause of the stress. But today I didn't really have much to be stressed about... not really sure what was going on.
I dropped both my kids off - one at kindy, the other to daycare. I think I mentioned I've got my little one in daycare to ease him in to the transition when I start working.... But anyway, I was on my way back home thinking thinking thinking about what is going on with me. I'm stressed about working, I don't want to work, I do want to work. Everyone has their opinion on whether or not I should work. I need to talk about it but everyone has their own agenda. I decide I'm going to call the counsellor I used to go to last year and talk to her. She's a half hour drive away but it would be worth it...
BUT ... then I decided to hop on my crosstrainer. I decided I would 'do nothing' to solve my problem. I'm the type of person who's focused on finding a solution now. But this time I decided not to. Twenty minutes of cardio later and I figured something out. If I had gone to my counsellor, it would take over 2 hours out of my 'day off'. By day off I mean the kids are not here. And I realised maybe that's why I'm stressing and wanting to go talk to someone. I'm scared... either to have time to myself, to take time for myself or ... even bigger... to work on my business. I could spend that 2 hours sewing and creating. But I was going to chose not too.
I've now changed my mind and am going to stay home to sew and generally do what I want (and not the things that need to be done like cleaning the fridge or mowing the lawn). But I've also realised over this past week that I need to find a way to handle my stress. I always used to stuff down the stress and 'reward' myself with a drink. I mean my parents ALWAYS had a drink after the end of the workday to 'wind down'' so it's what's been modelled to me. But I need to find another way. Now, after 20 years of doing it this way (ok in my 20's I didn't drink every day but I got bombed on the weekends so that was my reward - and I could hold off during the week knowing I was going out on the weekends) I am open to learning new ways to handle stress. I have been doing a lot of deep breathing, talking quietly to my kids... thinking about taking a meditation course in stress....
Overall I'm feeling much better now and am happy I didn't race off to the next thing that would 'make me feel better'. I realise today that sometimes it isn't about doing something - it's nothing at all.
I have SO much to write about... really want to be blogging more! Where to find time...
I dropped both my kids off - one at kindy, the other to daycare. I think I mentioned I've got my little one in daycare to ease him in to the transition when I start working.... But anyway, I was on my way back home thinking thinking thinking about what is going on with me. I'm stressed about working, I don't want to work, I do want to work. Everyone has their opinion on whether or not I should work. I need to talk about it but everyone has their own agenda. I decide I'm going to call the counsellor I used to go to last year and talk to her. She's a half hour drive away but it would be worth it...
BUT ... then I decided to hop on my crosstrainer. I decided I would 'do nothing' to solve my problem. I'm the type of person who's focused on finding a solution now. But this time I decided not to. Twenty minutes of cardio later and I figured something out. If I had gone to my counsellor, it would take over 2 hours out of my 'day off'. By day off I mean the kids are not here. And I realised maybe that's why I'm stressing and wanting to go talk to someone. I'm scared... either to have time to myself, to take time for myself or ... even bigger... to work on my business. I could spend that 2 hours sewing and creating. But I was going to chose not too.
I've now changed my mind and am going to stay home to sew and generally do what I want (and not the things that need to be done like cleaning the fridge or mowing the lawn). But I've also realised over this past week that I need to find a way to handle my stress. I always used to stuff down the stress and 'reward' myself with a drink. I mean my parents ALWAYS had a drink after the end of the workday to 'wind down'' so it's what's been modelled to me. But I need to find another way. Now, after 20 years of doing it this way (ok in my 20's I didn't drink every day but I got bombed on the weekends so that was my reward - and I could hold off during the week knowing I was going out on the weekends) I am open to learning new ways to handle stress. I have been doing a lot of deep breathing, talking quietly to my kids... thinking about taking a meditation course in stress....
Overall I'm feeling much better now and am happy I didn't race off to the next thing that would 'make me feel better'. I realise today that sometimes it isn't about doing something - it's nothing at all.
I have SO much to write about... really want to be blogging more! Where to find time...
Thursday 1 March 2012
Feelin Pain
So last night I was talking to my husband about something I felt bad about doing and he agreed (in a very nice way!) that ya it wasn't the best. At first I was upset at him because I had wanted him to make me feel better. But then I was glad that he spoke his mind. He often doesn't... and then he comes down hard on me when I get upset about something - which I've only just recently learned. Oops... going off track!
This was one of the first times I didn't even THINK of reaching for a glass/ bottle of wine to 'deal' with the pain. I decided to just sit with it (the pain that is, not the wine haha!). I knew that it would hurt, I knew I'd feel bad, but I also knew it wouldn't kill me. I felt the prickly feeling in my nose that I get just before tears come. And I just sat. And without even thinking about it, I just knew I would change my behaviour for the better. It was about my kids and just having more patience. I was so upset with myself for not being so patient and sometimes losing my cool. But it was a good wake up call for me. To feel that way and to know I was going to change it. Not so long ago - like really not long, a couple of weeks ago - I would've just drank away the pain and not learned anything from it.
Sure it hurt, it felt horrible, but it's not the end of the world. Today I would up feeling good, and I still feel good.
Just a short post but man that is a massive thing for me. To just feel pain and not do anything about it. Especially not drink. Wow.
Oh - btw - haven't blogged for a while because I had a job interview this week and it totally threw me off.. had two days to prepare for the interview and get clothes (nothing fits!) and all the stress.... which is why I've been less patient than usual but still not an excuse. Hectic week - glad it's friday!!!
This was one of the first times I didn't even THINK of reaching for a glass/ bottle of wine to 'deal' with the pain. I decided to just sit with it (the pain that is, not the wine haha!). I knew that it would hurt, I knew I'd feel bad, but I also knew it wouldn't kill me. I felt the prickly feeling in my nose that I get just before tears come. And I just sat. And without even thinking about it, I just knew I would change my behaviour for the better. It was about my kids and just having more patience. I was so upset with myself for not being so patient and sometimes losing my cool. But it was a good wake up call for me. To feel that way and to know I was going to change it. Not so long ago - like really not long, a couple of weeks ago - I would've just drank away the pain and not learned anything from it.
Sure it hurt, it felt horrible, but it's not the end of the world. Today I would up feeling good, and I still feel good.
Just a short post but man that is a massive thing for me. To just feel pain and not do anything about it. Especially not drink. Wow.
Oh - btw - haven't blogged for a while because I had a job interview this week and it totally threw me off.. had two days to prepare for the interview and get clothes (nothing fits!) and all the stress.... which is why I've been less patient than usual but still not an excuse. Hectic week - glad it's friday!!!
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